Hi Joe. Glad you decided to put this back up. I saw the post while checking the board with my phone when I was at work on Friday. I didn't have time to read it because I was at work but figured I'd read it when I got home. By the time I got home though, you'd deleted it.
This week has gone a little better than the last. Coping with this isn't easy. I started this post, I have no idea why, it should be obvious to everyone that I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to navigating or understanding this web site.
Really? I can't seem to figure out what you're doing wrong.
It's new to me. I'm afraid to put all my feelings down, because then I either read back what I wrote and think I must sound like a Nut, or some type of self-pitying loser
What you sound like to me is a CSA survivor who is trying to sort things out and walk through some long repressed pain and confusion. You don't sound like a nut to me at all.
To many members, at least from what I can tell, it seems like this is a sort of alternate Facebook page, or place to network, compare notes and make friends. For me, this is a place for me to sort out the worst type of abuse, and the worst types of emotions.
I don't think anyone sees it as an alternate FB page. It is as you say, "a place to sort out the worst types of abuse, and the worst types of emotions". However, for a lot of us, it can't be all abuse, all pain, all trauma, all the time. If it seems like we're cutting up and joking around here and there, it's not because we don't take this place or the issues discussed here seriously. It's more because we need little intermittent breaks from the horribleness. Personally, I couldn't participate here if we didn't have an opportunity to be "light and airy" once in a while. I wouldn't be able to deal with it. In my adult life, I have some of the most horrible, soul-crushing, and serious life problems stemming from my childhood sexual trauma that you could ever imagine. It's very real, it's very painful and it's very serious. However, outside of that, I am one of the least serious people you could ever encounter and some of that may come out in my posts and in my participation in these boards. That doesn't mean I don't take these things seriously. I take them very seriously and I think the vast majority of the guys here do as well.
Right now, as I've said before in some of my other postings, I'm trying to let go. I'm not even going to describe what the process is like for me, most of you wouldn't understand.
I think more people here would understand than you can imagine. I just wrote in another post that trying to describe your pain and your inner torment to another person is a little like trying to describe the color blue to a person who's been blind since birth. No words could be adequate. However, a lot of the guys here, myself included, don't need to hear words that would be adequate. We've seen that color before. We know what it looks like. You are not alone.
As a result, I've lived a life, literally of a walking zombie. I've had some good times, I've had some happy memories and not all has been bad. But for the most part, I have been dead inside, as a result of pushing this problem away and trying to live with it.
Dead inside. Walking zombie. Got it. Right there with you. Feeling emotionally dead on the inside is my primary emotion. Again, you-are-not-alone!
The last week has gone better than the prior week, so maybe there's hope.
Let's hope there is--
I believe there is. Some of the damage that was done to you can be repaired and the damage you can not repair, you can rise above. Keep working on it, keep sharing and good luck. Peace,