Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
almostdonew/life (39), barelysurviving (45), bigbob20 (69), billyp (65), Shawv (70), TheTwoOfUs (43)
Who's Online
1 registered (don64), 26 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63772 Topics
445343 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#437282 - 06/07/13 03:41 PM Wife was trying to help
Agate Offline


Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
One of my "quirks" is that I am uncomfortable with making male friends.

I prefer the company of women and am at ease, but often this ease turns into something sexual.

As a child I was weak, not the weakest who was singled out and bullied for it, but bottom 10% of the pack. More invisible, think second to last chosen.

Well I was a horrible baseball player and after a few years of playing right field, praying that the ball was not hit to me I promptly forgot about the game.
Fast foreword to a few years ago I have 2 young boys, and I bought my first glove.
I love having a catch, and look foreword to the day they are better ball players than the old man.

Well Monday night, wife and I take son to first practice. The coach has no asst and is obviously overwhelmed. Wife starts to suggest I step in and help.

Panic.

I give every excuse and she won't hear it.
She basically drags me on the field and introduces me to coach, and runs home to get my glove.

Now practice turns out ok. And coach thanks me for the help and asks if I can give a hand next week, or if he can buy me a beer. I just don't know how to respond. I confirm I'm avail next week for practice, but ignore the social invitation.

I'm kinda on edge the rest of the night, but manage to keep control until bedtime when wife gets on my case for not making the bed. I blow up for 10 sec and then sulk for the rest of the night, just fuming inside. Boiling.

I know that wife's pushing me into a situation I made clear I wanted no part of really took a lot of mental energy to maintain composure, and the criticism from her about a task I dislike/see as no big deal, yet means a lot to her. How do I explain the correlation between practice and my freak out 5 hours later without sounding like she is to blame?



Very confused today.

Agate


Edited by Agate (06/07/13 03:43 PM)

Top
#437319 - 06/07/13 06:40 PM Re: Wife was trying to help [Re: Agate]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:04 PM)

Top
#437321 - 06/07/13 06:49 PM Re: Wife was trying to help [Re: Agate]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
That's kind of hard to answer without knowing your wife. But I find that if you really have a hard time being able to talk to her about this (and I totally understand that) then write her a letter about it. In a letter you can get the right tone and express yourself without panicking or blowing up in front of her. It can take a while to write though. (it does for me)

But if it were me I would start with I appreciate what you tried to do but I don't think you understand how I feel being put into that kind of situation. ...

But just for my curiosity. How would you have reacted to all this if the coach was a female? Any different? To me it would be the same. I would hate to be put into that situation no matter who it was.

Top
#437332 - 06/07/13 07:27 PM Re: Wife was trying to help [Re: Agate]
Agate Offline


Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
Well since disclosure to my wife and entrance have its ups and downs. You know that roller coaster ride. But I have more up days than down, so I keep going to therapy. As it seems so help.

My T sessions are on Mondays.(oh shit, yet another reason to be on edge that day)

The sessions are still very hard for me and it leaves me physically and emotionaly drained for the day. So my reserve of staying socially acceptable is already running low.

As to the question if it were a woman would I have jumped in? Hell yea. Not a problem.

I don't blame my wife at all for pushing me. It was the "right" thing for me to do. One poor coach and 14 nine year olds? Some might call that the third level of hell. I was the only father present at the practice, and most of the mothers had younger kids to tend to. Plus it's my son out there, and due to my work schedules I haven't yet had a chance help with these sorts of activities. I have even told my wife so, that I wish I could get the father son sports bonding time, so her push was a good thing. I have much to offer, just lack the confidence when dealing with "masculine" pursuits.

The wife is such a rock and without her I would not be here talking about my fears and failings. She gives me the strength to care about those that love me despite the things I have done.

Before I disclosed to her what was really truly "wrong" with me, I was emotional liar. Everything was always fine. I faked only happiness. In reality I was always a pit of despair, ready to run at any moment.

Now I am emotional, and can fly into fits of anger and get snappy and rude at a moments notice. Tears even. Before a few months ago, the last time I cried I was probably about 12. It's like this emotional other being rises up and takes over. My wife thinks I now understand the rages of PMS.
She talks about wanting to keep me safe, but feeling like she has to walk on eggshells so as not to set me off.

During one painful discussion she brought up how mad she was at the situation. Not at me but at where the CSA left her. She said" I'm so flipping angry that all the problems my husband has are not the ones I signed up for"

I'm starting to ramble and lose focus so ill stop for now

Thanks for your responses and the new points of view do so much for me figuring out why I feel and do stuff that makes no sense.

Agate.

Top
#437343 - 06/07/13 08:05 PM Re: Wife was trying to help [Re: bodyguard8367]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
stop living in fear and take your life back brother . You will never get to where you need to be by not living the uncomfortable truth
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

Top
#437492 - 06/09/13 12:36 AM Re: Wife was trying to help [Re: Agate]
Dave PNW Offline


Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 115
Loc: Pacific Northwest

Agate, I don't know you or your wife or your son. I don't know your story or what you have been through. But on some level I understand where you are at. A lot of what you said is familiar to me in some ways. Let me just say this, your son will only be 9 for a little while. They grow up before you know it. The most important thing to a 9 is that you are there for him. You can do that. The fact that you are not the best at baseball will probably be lost completely on him because you are just simply there. He will be proud his dad cares. That is one of the biggest gifts you can give. You won't be able to get away with that when he is 13 or 14, but right now the fact you are there for him will mean a lot. Last night sitting with my 24 year old son as my 18 year old daughter graduated from high school I thought a lot about how time passes. In a lot of ways I don't have many regrets. I was there for them. I wish sometimes I did some things better, but I was there. Agate, I know this is hard, scares you, I get that, but for your 9 year old, its worth stretching for him. It is also good for him to see you are human, not perfect, but the love you have for him will make up the difference in the end. I believe that. You have the chance to put it out there. Oh yeah, your wife will love you for that too. We are all a little broken here, but we still have a lot we can give. Go throw that ball. He won't be 9 forever. I will cheer you on.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.