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#405471 - 08/01/12 03:00 AM new moon
Lenz Offline


Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 61
Loc: San Francisco
Howling can be a soft act, like crying until exhaustion.


Edited by Lenz (10/09/12 12:21 AM)

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#412537 - 10/09/12 12:43 AM Re: new moon [Re: Lenz]
Lenz Offline


Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 61
Loc: San Francisco
The moons continue to come and go, to change, and reveal themselves, and nothing is moved, adjusted, or different. No one comes to me with a useful solution. I am still broken, feel unheard, and I leave this message in the sand (here) because I have no faith in any one on MS, and I continue to miss out on the support that I need, or the reconciliation that I must find with my family, to see beyond this pain or to improve my life.

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#412543 - 10/09/12 01:21 AM Re: new moon [Re: Lenz]
Blue1966 Offline


Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't know your situation or circumstances, but I an tell you that you are not alone. Every survivor has bee where you are at some time.

It's hard when no one will listen, no one will believe, but keep searching, someone will. I will because I know the worst that humans can do to one another. You see they almost did it to me and, did do the worst to one close to me. And no death is not the worst, I've seen and heard of worse, I know a man had lived worse.

It does get better, never right but better.

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#412627 - 10/09/12 04:38 PM Re: new moon [Re: Lenz]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1585
Loc: New England
Dear Lenz,

There is no solution but to keep moving forward, feel the feelings, and trust God for the rest. Even the smallest amount of faith you can muster is enough.

I complained to my T today that I feel like I'm not making any progress. He reminded me that I've only been dealing with this for about 8 weeks. Seems like yours to me. Your years must feel like an eternity to you. We're in the same boat. You don't have to trust us, just row with us till we can see the other side.

Jude
_________________________
Can't be bothered with sorrow
And I can't be bothered with hate, no, no
I'm using up the time but feeling fine every day
That's why I'm telling you
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
Rare Earth

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#437413 - 06/08/13 10:08 AM Re: new moon [Re: Lenz]
Lenz Offline


Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 61
Loc: San Francisco
Here is a box: don't go in there. It's hell. It is an inferno. You will be melted, burned, turned to ash, shown the other side of your fear. This can, lid sealed, sits here with the word caution on all sides.

8 weeks into your treatment, you were worried that you were not making any progress. Have you seen the other side yet? I haven't a sign, hardly, of water.

To tell you the truth, I have to speak in metaphor. If words like light and truth were thought of as anything other than analogies to light and truth, were there no separation between them, I would be unable to form these words about how I was feeling those 8 months ago.

How I felt then is like these little words here, which themselves are only like questions, calls, cries.

Lenz



Edited by Lenz (06/08/13 10:10 AM)
Edit Reason: removed quotations

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#437415 - 06/08/13 10:34 AM Re: new moon [Re: Lenz]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 788
Loc: michigan
hey lenz
seems to me that we have been trained to not have confidence in anyone else. that seems to be the case for me anyway. so to me howling at the moon is all good, running till I am exhausted is OK,writing,bleeding all that. but as of yet those things never changed anything,not for me at least. I still do them, each of them. but I am beginning to realize more and more that the ultimate act of defiance is to trust anyway. certainly not all at once, but to actively listen to thoughts and opinions and give them weight. to really consider them. there is not enough time in a life time for me to explore every option, to search every person looking for something. when I came here I decided I would have to try to be as honest as possible, share what I could and try to find a different way. it has worked for me so far. I am not healed but healing, not safe but safer things are better to a small degree somedays, and a large degree on others. I hope you can get there man
you deserve it
Jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#437494 - 06/09/13 01:07 AM Re: new moon [Re: Lenz]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1585
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Lenz
....8 weeks into your treatment, you were worried that you were not making any progress. Have you seen the other side yet? I haven't a sign, hardly, of water.
Hey Lenz,

Yeah, 8 weeks probably wasn't very realistic was it? I wanted a quick fix.

Now its been 10 months, and I can honestly say my life is getting better. One big step for me was accepting that this CSA debris wasn't just going to go away, and so to have a life I was going to have to learn to live with it. Kind of like living with diabetes or some other managable chronic condition. The second thing I've had to accept is that that recovery ends when we assume room temperature. Its a process without end. The pain, the flashbacks, the anger, the shame and self-hatred, have diminished somewhat thanks to EMDR, but by no means are they gone.

I have made my recovery my number one priority for the remainder of my life. No excuses, no compromises, no taking a break. Therapy, 12 Step work, marraige counseling....whatever it takes. Really whats changed is that I am willing to face all of it as it comes, the anger, the shame, the fear, the self-hatred. I make myself feel the feelings, and not retreat into one of my numbing addictions anymore. I can't claim that what works for me will work for anyone, but I CAN say that it is possible to feel better, and have something like a normal life.

I hope that you no longer feel so alone Lenz, but revisiting this post was a good way to reach out. Keep it up and you will find many of us very willing to be there for you. Be well.

Jude
_________________________
Can't be bothered with sorrow
And I can't be bothered with hate, no, no
I'm using up the time but feeling fine every day
That's why I'm telling you
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
Rare Earth

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#437540 - 06/09/13 02:58 PM Re: new moon [Re: Lenz]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Hi, Lenz.

After reading your posts, I just wanted to say I understand. I do have moments, even days of doing better since starting the dealing with the past, but I also have the times you speak of.

This weekend is one of the not so good times. As a matter of fact, its pretty difficult. But I still make myself come back to MS at least once a day and read. And I ALWAYS find something that helps or a quick quote that inspires. And there are days when I can't even make the fingers move to leave a note. But I still participate by reading... it helps break that feeling of isolation with the rapes.

Today's inspirational quote for me was from the man Jude...

"We're in the same boat. You don't have to trust us, just row with us till we can see the other side."

Thanks, Jude. And thanks, Lenz.

b
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#437543 - 06/09/13 03:33 PM ! [Re: Jude]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:30 PM)

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