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#437162 - 06/06/13 10:40 PM Last Sunday
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1105
Loc: The ATL

Like many of you, I woke up last Sunday in a haze. Still in shock over the loss of our friend. Upon waking, for a moment I hoped that learning of Bryan's death had only been a bad dream. It hadn't been.

I spent the first few hours of the day just sitting here, staring at this monitor, bleary-eyed. The tears coming on and off. I wrote and responded to a couple of PMs from a PM box still full of messages to and from Bryan. I was stunned. I was stuck. I couldn't even move. There were a couple of household chores that needed to be done that weren't going to get done. Errands to be run that weren't going to be run. The gym? It was only an after thought. I wanted to go, but no way was it happening.

The plan for Sunday afternoon had been to go to a local festival with my brother, his boyfriend and a couple of our neighbors. The festival grounds were walking distance from my apartment. I had been looking forward to it all week but now it just seemed so irrelevant. However, as the day wore on, I knew I had to get out of the house. So, I finally moved myself to take a shower and later that afternoon walked down to the festival with my brother and our friends.

As luck would have it, as soon as we reached the festival grounds, it started raining. It began as a lite shower and quickly turned into a deluge. So, my brother and I took refuge beneath one of the vendor tents along with everyone else in that area of the festival. Not far from where we were standing was the festival's main concert stage where a U2 tribute band played on through the pouring rain.

While all this was going on, I noticed the only three people who had not taken refuge from the downpour. It was impossible not to notice them. Out in front of the stage, there were three children, playfully running around, jumping and splashing in the growing puddles and dancing happily away to the music. There were two boys who were probably 6-7 and a girl who was about 4-5.

They danced the way that small children normally dance. Very little rhythm or coordination and with an exuberance that is what I'll call adorably spastic. Hopping around, flailing their arms about, spinning around in circles, sometimes playing air guitar and/or attempting to mimic the movements of the men on-stage. At times, one of the boys would take a running slide into the wet ground, getting covered in mud and grass. All this, and it was pouring on them, and they didn't care. They just played and danced away in the rain, oblivious or indifferent to the fact that the majority of the adults around them were more entertained by their antics than they were by the loud rock band playing above them.

(Nothing against the band. They were actually quite good but these kids stole the show.)

While all this was going on, it almost felt like I was watching these children from behind an invisible lens. It was like their unbridled energy, their innocence and their uninhibited happiness existed only feet away, but somehow in another dimension, on a different plain than the one I inhabit. What was it like, I wondered. What was it like to be that naturally happy? To be that innocent? To be that full of life and unadulterated joy? Surely I knew what that felt like once, right? Had Bryan ever known what that was like? Had Bryan ever been like those kids I saw dancing in the rain? I hoped that he had and I concluded that he in fact must have, once. He must have.

At that moment, for a short time, those wet, happy, dancing children had brought a warm feeling to my sad heart and in my mind I thanked them and loved them for it.

When we got home from the festival my brother and his boyfriend went out to eat but I stayed at home. I didn't want to go. So, I sat there in my apartment, in the dark living room, drunk and alone. I suddenly felt stuck again. I couldn't even bring myself to turn the tv on and the only sound was the ceiling fan whirring on above me.

Then, it happened. The flood gates opened and I began to cry harder and deeper and longer than I had since learning of Bryan's death or have since. I just sat there with my face in my hands and sobbed into my palms. At times, asking questions out-loud into the empty room. "Why, Bryan? Why did you take yourself from us? Why did you take yourself from me? We cared about you! I FUCKING CARED ABOUT YOU!!! Why didn't you just reach out to me? I was here for you! I WANTED TO HELP YOU!!!! Why didn't you just let me help you???!!!" The questions continued out-loud as I cried, with no one but my cats there to listen.

After about thirty minutes of this, I finally got my composure and calmed down. I made myself dinner, watched a little TV and went to bed. And this sad and surreal Sunday was over.

It seems so strange that I've only been here at MS for little over three months and already it feels like there are ghosts here. I skim over old threads of mine and when I see Bryan's caring responses and read his words, I feel his presence, but he is not here. When I look at all the PMs he sent me I can sense his aura still attached to them, yet he is gone. It now seems almost unthinkable to me that just four short months ago I had never even heard of Bryan and did not know him, yet he had such an impact on my life in such a short period of time.

Last night I became a full member of MS. I payed my yearly dues for the first time and I joined officially. I just want to close this post by stating that I dedicate my decision to officially join and the contribution I made to the site with my dues to Bryan and to his memory. It's the least I can do but sadly, it's also the most I can do. I only wish I could have done more when he was still with us. I hope you all are well. Much love to all of you. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#437164 - 06/06/13 10:53 PM ! [Re: BraveFalcon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:19 PM)

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#437180 - 06/06/13 11:46 PM Re: Last Sunday [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
(((---))) 's
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

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#437531 - 06/09/13 12:17 PM Re: Last Sunday [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1105
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
I've been kinda stuck since Bryan left us. I know the best way to honor someone is to live the best life in their memory but those early days can be excruciating to the point of virtual paralysis; at least it can be for me. Steady progress is difficult because I'm often blindsided by waves of sadness.

One thing I've decided to do is be the best possible supporter to other survivors. I wish I was here in Bryan's final days and I carry a lot of guilt over not being here. But he's made what I do so much more important; more meaningful; like this really is a life or death situation.


Hi Gary. It is a life or death situation. Bryan's death taught us that harsh lesson. The even more harsh lesson it taught us is that no matter how hard you try, no matter how many people reach out, not everyone can be saved. God, that's hard to admit. In fact, as I typed that sentence, tears started welling up in my eyes. At the end of the day, all you can do is try, and if it doesn't work, that doesn't mean you've failed.

I can't believe it's been a week. I miss you Bryan. Take care all. Peace,

Ken

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#437546 - 06/09/13 03:45 PM 1 [Re: BraveFalcon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
1


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:29 PM)

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#437549 - 06/09/13 04:01 PM Re: Last Sunday [Re: BraveFalcon]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 219
Loc: Western Europe
The name Bryan didnt ring a bell, but if i understand correctly its Life's a Dream?
Makes me feel sad..

I like your story btw Ken! Very well written and you helped me realize a very powerful positive memory..

Take care Ken and all of you! (((HUG))!!


Edited by OCN (06/09/13 04:02 PM)
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#437552 - 06/09/13 04:08 PM Re: Last Sunday [Re: BraveFalcon]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
I am still convinced that LAD's death was an accident and not an intentional suicide. The tone and tenor of the PMs that he sent me in what would become his final hours were positive and upbeat, even after he had done such terrible things to himself.

I've been thinking about how to make my life better to honor the memory of LAD.

I feel fortunate to have known him, and he said things to me that I will never forget.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#437558 - 06/09/13 05:13 PM Re: Last Sunday [Re: BraveFalcon]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Ken,
You just inspired and reminded me that I should donate. And I just did. I don't know if that makes me a member or not, but it certainly makes me feel I am doing a bit more for others and for myself. Thanks, man.

b
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#437562 - 06/09/13 05:52 PM Re: Last Sunday [Re: cant_remember]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1105
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: cant_remember
I am still convinced that LAD's death was an accident and not an intentional suicide. The tone and tenor of the PMs that he sent me in what would become his final hours were positive and upbeat, even after he had done such terrible things to himself.


Hi Can't. Yeah, this is more or less what I believe now. Upon learning of his death, my first thought was intentional suicide but now I'm not so sure. Like you, I think it was probably an accident, but an accident caused by him pushing his self-destructive behavior to far. I think Bryan knew he was flirting with death, although he may not have actually meant to die that night. Depending on how you choose to look at it, I suppose you could say that's still suicide, just not intentional suicide.

Sadly, I don't suppose we'll ever know the real truth. Even if he did mean to do it and left a note for his parents, no one would ever hear about that note. If Bryan's parent's know the truth about what killed him, I'm sure it's a secret they're taking to their graves with them. It wasn't Rock Star Energy Drinks, that's for damn sure. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#437569 - 06/09/13 07:07 PM Re: Last Sunday [Re: BraveFalcon]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
I keep thinking about his screen name -- Life's A Dream. For him, life really was a dream, and now he is awake.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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