This was briefly touched on in the Gay Rage
thread, but I didn't want to hijack with a rant. Here I go...
Naturally, given the high school guidance counselor perp, I'd have an issue with older guys (he was in his 40s, me in my teens). But, as I've examined it, there's a pattern:
• When I was first old enuf to hit the gay bars (18), I'd go home with some repulsive, closeted "old" men, who would even have pix of their wives and kids around. I suppose I was recreating the abuse. Just the memory makes me sick.
• When I did inpatient codep treatment, I freaked out (and even said something in group) about another patient who, though he'd done nothing, set my dirty old man gaydar off. Had no idea at the time, nor did anyone else including the therapists, that it was the CSA coming up.
• The night Dad died, his (married), older pastor picked me up at the airport and within hours tried to seduce me at Dad's place. wtf?
• A few months ago, during a shoot, an older associate (70s) of a close friend (60s) grabbed my ass and I went off on him.
In short, old guys (or even guys who look old) disgust me. I've considered it might be gay ageism. Ironic, since I'm "old" (50s). It's deeper than that. I'm repulsed by DL/closet cases (apologies to those on the board who are bi, but I have to get this off my chest) who fall back on straight appearances, old guys who try to dress like frat boys to get frat boys (good lord, a 50-something guest at a recent dinner wore hip-huggers and it was all I could do to keep from asking, "WHAT were you thinking?"), etc.
As for me, haven't had a libido in 6-7 years anyway. I'm quite pleased with being my age. Young hotties/muscleboys are amusing - been there, done them - but not interesting. I gel best with my own age group. I guess it's a matter of my perceptions.
Comments? Similar experiences? Related to your CSA?