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#436813 - 06/04/13 09:46 AM My Introduction and Questions
Jon1977 Offline


Registered: 06/03/13
Posts: 4
Hi, My name is Jon, 35 yo, single and living in the Philippines. In my search for sexual healing brought about by CSA, I fortunately came across this site. And glad to know that “i am not alone” in what has been an awful experience of a life as a child (and to adulthood unfortunately). Just happy that in my search to totally dissolve my compulsions, I gained hope from all the stories I read from this site. For that, I am grateful for your courageous sharing.

My abuse started at the early age of 4, and went about until I was 18 yo. But to my assessment right now, I would believe it happened until i was 22. In as much as I would like to write the gory details, i have written it in my journal already, and mind you it gave me a big headache and heavy pain in my heart. To count, I was molested by 9 males and 3 females. To this date, I would say it really f****d up my life. Not knowing how to keep an intimate relationship, and constantly feeling that no one can truly understand me even my closest friends and family. Thus leaving me no choice but to retreat myself in isolation.

One thing I am truly seeking for right now is a path to a “genuine intimacy.” I guess I am already tired of the confusion of which path to take. I had girlfriends in the past, but these nagging feelings of guilt and shame always becomes the reason for me to abandon them. For it makes me think that there are other better guys that they deserve. Someone who is not broken and sure of their sexuality. Yes, sexuality has become my confusion. A solution that I made was to try out having a gay relationship, and there were 2 serious ones. But unfortunately, that too failed and felt like a mistake. Bringing out a lot of triggers, and consuming me with more shame. Let alone in a society that doesn't totally accept gay relationships.

But one thing for sure about what I can take to heart, is knowing that I am capable of Loving regardless of gender. Nevertheless, I am no longer bound with the issues of sexual orientation. But I guess, I haven’t totally healed my CSA. Thus me choosing to be single to heal, before I can commit to another intimate relationship. For I am tired of this vicious cycle already.

Another thing I am trying to heal is my sexual compulsions. Praying to god that I can finally stop myself from engaging with compulsive and dangerous sexual acts. For I know it is just my programming as a child trying to manifest again and re-live the abuses. Without meaning, without intimacy and just feeling empty after the experience. So I would like to seek advice about ways how to resolve this aspect of my life. Your inputs will be highly appreciated.

For the family men out-there. I too long for a life like that. But there are questions that I fear would surface. How do you guys handle the fear of being homosexual? And how do you manage the triggers? In my case, I eventually (unfortunate maybe) found pleasure with men, that it became a normal thing for me. Will that desire be ever controlled especially when married already? Your feedback will be highly appreciated.

Thanks so much.

Please help.

Jon

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#436828 - 06/04/13 12:35 PM Re: My Introduction and Questions [Re: Jon1977]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Hi Jon,

Welcome to MS, you will find many here that are very much like yourself. I am one of those married men and have struggled my whole life with my sexuality. I married at a young age longing for what I saw as a normal life. Looking back I wish I had been more honest with myself as well as with my wife to be. I was able to push aside many of my issues for many years so I felt there wasnt any reason to disclose to my wife. But as with everyone I lost my mind last year and divulged everything right down to my attraction to men. That is by far the worst way to blind side someone espacially after 17 yrs of marraige. I struggled with intimacy after about 10yrs of marraige. That is when I started to become "Triggerd" by the act of sex. It put a huge strain on our marraige, my wife felt there was something wrong with her and that I no longer wanted her sexually. I relieved her of that idea when i told her it was my issues with CSA and not her

As for handling triggers, I cant say that I do handle them rather I have become more proactive with telling my wife what can potentialy set me off. Comunication has become key in our relationship.

Fear of being homosexual, I no longer have a fear of being or outted as one. I am who I am my marraige has survived thus far and im too damn old to care what others think. I did for years have that fear but self acceptance has allowed me to free myself from that burden (fear).


Again Jon welcome, I hope I gave you a little insite on the married perspective as dysfunctional as it may sound..

-Jay-
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#436841 - 06/04/13 01:39 PM Re: My Introduction and Questions [Re: Jon1977]
Jon1977 Offline


Registered: 06/03/13
Posts: 4
Thanks Jay for the Welcome and the insights. It sure gives me a perspective and a glimpse of how it's like being married with CSA baggage.

Been reading some of your posts, and getting insights too. I guess communication and acceptance really holds a big factor in keeping the relationship together. Will reply to your post as well. Thanks!

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#436979 - 06/05/13 04:15 PM Re: My Introduction and Questions [Re: Jon1977]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3018
Loc: O Kanada
welcome.

considering the scope and scale of your abuse, it is truly amazing that you are as healthy as you sound.

you have an excellent understanding of your self and your situation.

you seem to know what is wrong and what you want to change.
that is excellent progress already.

i sincerely hope you stick around and find some of what you need from fellow survivors on this site.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#437184 - 06/06/13 11:59 PM Re: My Introduction and Questions [Re: Jon1977]
Jon1977 Offline


Registered: 06/03/13
Posts: 4
Thanks Victor!

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#437362 - 06/07/13 10:30 PM Re: My Introduction and Questions [Re: Jon1977]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Jon1977
In my search for sexual healing brought about by CSA, I fortunately came across this site. And glad to know that “i am not alone” in what has been an awful experience of a life as a child (and to adulthood unfortunately). Just happy that in my search to totally dissolve my compulsions, I gained hope from all the stories I read from this site.
Welcome Jon,
I'm glad you found MS and hope it will continue to be a place for your healing and growth. Sounds like you got the first and perhaps most important lesson already: "You are not alone". With nearly 12,000 members MS will be the biggest, (and sometimes most exasperating!) family of supporters you ever had.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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