Hi, My name is Jon, 35 yo, single and living in the Philippines. In my search for sexual healing brought about by CSA, I fortunately came across this site. And glad to know that “i am not alone” in what has been an awful experience of a life as a child (and to adulthood unfortunately). Just happy that in my search to totally dissolve my compulsions, I gained hope from all the stories I read from this site. For that, I am grateful for your courageous sharing.
My abuse started at the early age of 4, and went about until I was 18 yo. But to my assessment right now, I would believe it happened until i was 22. In as much as I would like to write the gory details, i have written it in my journal already, and mind you it gave me a big headache and heavy pain in my heart. To count, I was molested by 9 males and 3 females. To this date, I would say it really f****d up my life. Not knowing how to keep an intimate relationship, and constantly feeling that no one can truly understand me even my closest friends and family. Thus leaving me no choice but to retreat myself in isolation.
One thing I am truly seeking for right now is a path to a “genuine intimacy.” I guess I am already tired of the confusion of which path to take. I had girlfriends in the past, but these nagging feelings of guilt and shame always becomes the reason for me to abandon them. For it makes me think that there are other better guys that they deserve. Someone who is not broken and sure of their sexuality. Yes, sexuality has become my confusion. A solution that I made was to try out having a gay relationship, and there were 2 serious ones. But unfortunately, that too failed and felt like a mistake. Bringing out a lot of triggers, and consuming me with more shame. Let alone in a society that doesn't totally accept gay relationships.
But one thing for sure about what I can take to heart, is knowing that I am capable of Loving regardless of gender. Nevertheless, I am no longer bound with the issues of sexual orientation. But I guess, I haven’t totally healed my CSA. Thus me choosing to be single to heal, before I can commit to another intimate relationship. For I am tired of this vicious cycle already.
Another thing I am trying to heal is my sexual compulsions. Praying to god that I can finally stop myself from engaging with compulsive and dangerous sexual acts. For I know it is just my programming as a child trying to manifest again and re-live the abuses. Without meaning, without intimacy and just feeling empty after the experience. So I would like to seek advice about ways how to resolve this aspect of my life. Your inputs will be highly appreciated.
For the family men out-there. I too long for a life like that. But there are questions that I fear would surface. How do you guys handle the fear of being homosexual? And how do you manage the triggers? In my case, I eventually (unfortunate maybe) found pleasure with men, that it became a normal thing for me. Will that desire be ever controlled especially when married already? Your feedback will be highly appreciated.
Thanks so much.