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#436746 - 06/03/13 09:44 PM Me at age 11.. please add yours
StrugglingGuy Offline


Registered: 05/20/13
Posts: 48
Loc: Canada
This is one of my prized possessions.. (my Display Pic) a picture of me at age 11. I often wish I could go back and protect that shy little Boy, and tell him everything's gonna be alright.

Please add yours and honour that lost Boy.


Edited by StrugglingGuy (06/06/13 10:34 PM)

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#436747 - 06/03/13 09:47 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
I hear you man, I have a pic in my living room of me aged 7, and every time I see it the same thing enters my head too. What would you say to him??

Take it easy

Oz
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

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#436750 - 06/03/13 09:58 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
StrugglingGuy Offline


Registered: 05/20/13
Posts: 48
Loc: Canada
Thanks for saying that Bud. It truly means a lot.

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#436751 - 06/03/13 10:10 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
i don't look at pictures of me, especially ones from my childhood.
except for promotional purposes as a professional performer i have never wanted to be photographed. i even tried to hide behind my music.

i prefer the mirror, the here and now, the disguise, the make-up, the distorted image, the caricature, the symbol.

i think it takes courage to post your pic like that.

1 Corinthian 1:12
"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known."
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#436763 - 06/03/13 11:21 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1390
He's a handsome fellow. I am glad that you can honor him - honor yourself - like that. I can certainly relate. My avatar image (superimposed over my molester's image) was when I was 13. I looked at the image one last time before walking into the high security facility to meet my molester a few weeks ago. I know what you mean when you speak of prized possession. They are links - reminders for why we are here and who we are fighting for.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#436974 - 06/05/13 03:56 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
thank you.. You inspired me to put my own childhood pic up! I feel a little less unknown now
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

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#436999 - 06/05/13 06:29 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
StrugglingGuy Offline


Registered: 05/20/13
Posts: 48
Loc: Canada
That's awesome Bud! I think everyone on here should do the same.

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#437002 - 06/05/13 06:40 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11112
Loc: Denver, CO
SG, thanks for sharing the pic. Mine is also at age 11.
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#437008 - 06/05/13 07:53 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
StrugglingGuy Offline


Registered: 05/20/13
Posts: 48
Loc: Canada
Thanks for adding your pic Tex. Lets see how many other Guys will do the same to honour those lost Boys.

Thanks again!

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#437013 - 06/05/13 08:36 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Thanks guys

I enjoy seeing these.

Your's is spectacular.

I love animated avatars.

Mine is already posted. In my avatar I'm 10 1/2 years old.

My picture taken at age 4 was the best one. After that I must have gone downhill.

I have a series of my childhood pictures in the Forum named "Found another photo - Part 2". It's post 428818, but it's on the Member's Side.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=428818#Post428818

Putting my boyhood pictures together helped me figure out what happened and when.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (06/05/13 09:13 PM)

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#437015 - 06/05/13 09:14 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
StrugglingGuy Offline


Registered: 05/20/13
Posts: 48
Loc: Canada
Thanks for adding that putterfish.. he was a brave Boy.

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#437167 - 06/06/13 11:05 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
StrugglingGuy Offline


Registered: 05/20/13
Posts: 48
Loc: Canada
Please add your avatar and honour that lost Boy.


Edited by StrugglingGuy (06/07/13 01:54 PM)

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#437244 - 06/07/13 12:03 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 169
Loc: Ohio
In my avatar I'm about 5, looking at my pics I seem surprisingly happy, upbeat and always with big wide smiles, and I was... Well, I still can be, right?
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#437258 - 06/07/13 01:55 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
StrugglingGuy Offline


Registered: 05/20/13
Posts: 48
Loc: Canada
Thanks for adding that CloudyFalls. Now that Boy can make friends on here with others just like him. Be proud very of him.

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#437459 - 06/08/13 08:37 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
My avatar was at age 12. I was already being pimped along with my best friend sitting next to me. I look at all the faces on this thread and all over MS and just cry. We smile yet we are hiding from the world.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff


Edited by lapchinj (08/24/14 09:37 AM)
Edit Reason: changed avatar
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#437465 - 06/08/13 09:08 PM ! [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:26 PM)

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#437470 - 06/08/13 09:37 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
I'm 7 in my avatar. That was Halloween of 1982. That was either just before or just after my first CSA experience. I'm not 100% sure which as the CSA either occurred in fall of '82 or spring of '83. I know that because we lived in CT at the time and it was cool outside but warm enough for me to be naked in the woods and not be all that cold.

Anyway, look at how fucking cool I thought I was! Is it any wonder I went through a "goth phase" later on in life? Ha ha! Peace,

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (06/09/13 01:22 AM)

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#437475 - 06/08/13 10:15 PM ! [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:27 PM)

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#437476 - 06/08/13 10:18 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL

Yep, vampire. I didn't do the cutesy stuff either. Fuck that shit! I wanted to be scary and evil looking! The pic is to small and blurry to see the silly little plastic fangs I had in my mouth but they were in there. LOL!

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#437477 - 06/08/13 10:19 PM ! [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:26 PM)

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#437478 - 06/08/13 10:20 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL

Sweet!

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#437480 - 06/08/13 10:30 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
Here's one. This would have been around 1986. I'm going to click submit before I change my mind eek




I was in my 20's here. Only a little over ten years ago. I don't have long hair anymore and I haven't worn makeup in a long time but it was fun while it lasted. LOL!



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#437482 - 06/08/13 11:01 PM ! [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:30 PM)

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#437493 - 06/09/13 12:36 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1561
Loc: New England
My avatar is me at age 12 in the Florida keys. I caught that Baracuda unintentionally, but man I was over the moon! It's the last picture of me that exists before IT happened to me. Nothing more till age 20 or so. I just sorta didn't exist between 13 and 19.

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#437547 - 06/09/13 03:49 PM 1 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
1


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:29 PM)

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#437566 - 06/09/13 07:01 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Thank you, StrugglingGuy. This is a great idea and I would never have done this without the encouragement. Feels good.

My avatar is of me, age 5 in the fall of '63... "Little Me" - billy- had already experienced the first in the series of the CSAs, you can tell by the sadness in the eyes, but I think he is just a handsome, handsome lad. (I also suppose its normal not to be able to look at our pictures for too long w/out becoming emotional).

(I don't know why the image went all horizontal and I don't know how to rotate it!!- sorry....)

...I tried to move the image from hor to the vert and couldn't. will repost image when i get it straigthened out.

b


Edited by ThisMan (06/10/13 10:43 AM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#437580 - 06/09/13 08:38 PM 1 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
1


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:28 PM)

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#438374 - 06/16/13 03:05 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 224
Loc: California
I decided to add my picture of myself after reading this thread. It is all part of me owning my past. I was younger than 11 in this picture. I think 8 or 9. It was while I was participating in level 5 gymnastics, and after my abuse started.

Got to say, it adds a hole deeper layer to my posts to see that little guy staring back at me. I do love him. And I feel his pain.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#438385 - 06/16/13 05:27 PM ! [Re: toddop]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:39 PM)

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#438399 - 06/16/13 10:38 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Todd,

Originally Posted By: toddop
Got to say, it adds a hole deeper layer to my posts to see that little guy staring back at me. I do love him. And I feel his pain.

I seem to have the same problem as Gary. I know little Jeff was a good kid, a kind kid, and a kid that didn't become a street kid. But he was a fucken prostitute and druggy. I joined the USAF to get away from him and what he did. I've been hiding him from the world for 40+ years. He destroyed my chance at even thinking of going to the olympics. I want to love him and hold him but he is slowly destroying me. He should have died years ago.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#438413 - 06/17/13 12:36 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 224
Loc: California
Yeah, Gary and Jeff, I really hear you and respect your feelings about it. It has been one of my main struggles also. I love little Todd, but not what happened to him. But, in my work with him, not only did I have anger and bad feelings about him and what he did, but there was a lot of anger and bad feelings from him to me. Kinda like, "I walked through fucking fire and hell for this life you are living?"

I really had to reassess my view on this. I don't agree with everything he did and was. But, I do feel he was put in such an awful situation at the hands of some disgusting and sadistic men, and he survived all they dished out. Yes, he did some things that the adult me finds disgusting and sick. Yes, he willing went along with it in some instances. But he did what he had to, without any help from the fucking adults in his life that never even noticed something was wrong, even when he was bleeding, wetting the bed every night, and sunk into depression. In the end, I had to conclude, he is probably one of the bravest people I know.

I also put this up because there are so many pictures that were taken of him when he was being abused, raped, and tortured and they are still floating around out there I am sure. I think, despite everything that went down, he deserves to be seen this way. With dignity and even with some pride and love mixed in. Those bastards have gotten so much from us, and I will salvage what I can.

I am sure I will continue to struggle with this, and I understand exactly where you guys are. I have been there so many times. I honor what you both went through, and are going through.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#438422 - 06/17/13 06:43 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: toddop]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: toddop
....but there was a lot of anger and bad feelings from him to me. Kinda like, "I walked through fucking fire and hell for this life you are living?"

That's very interesting way of looking at it

Originally Posted By: toddop
.....But he did what he had to, without any help from the fucking adults in his life that never even noticed something was wrong, even when he was bleeding, wetting the bed every night, and sunk into depression. In the end, I had to conclude, he is probably one of the bravest people I know.

He had no option, he either got through it himself or not at all. I was lucky to be able to have 2 very close friends in the same business to bring me through it all, so in that respect I had all the support I needed.

Originally Posted By: toddop
I also put this up because there are so many pictures that were taken of him when he was being abused, raped, and tortured and they are still floating around out there I am sure.....

If there are any pictures or movies involved then they are surely out there. I know it is in my case. Even stuff taken in the '60s was upgraded hosted to the net and 8 & 16 mm film to video. I have no pictures really of my years after 10 and 90% of those were not so nice to look at. So the avatar you see there of me was taken on a secluded beach with a kid who was to become my best friend. I was 12 and he around 10-1/2. I wish I had something better than that of me but it is the best I can do.

I'm sorry for what you have gone through but I have a very good idea of what it was.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#438452 - 06/17/13 12:45 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 224
Loc: California
Yeah it seems like we share some unfortunate and awful similarities in terms of our history. We should never have been placed in those circumstances and exploited the way we were.

I'm sorry for what you have gone through as well, Jeff. Thanks for being here to share it and talk about it.

Peace to you, too.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#438457 - 06/17/13 01:39 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2439
Loc: TEXAS
I'm between 11-13 yrs old, i'm in the orphanage/Home & in love with another gay boy. First time in my young live that i had experienced what true, sweet & pure love was all about.


Edited by petercorbett (06/17/13 08:14 PM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#438472 - 06/17/13 03:44 PM ! [Re: toddop]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:38 PM)

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#438483 - 06/17/13 06:07 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
Dear struggling guy

I am still angry with the vulnerable and hurt child and will not search for pictures. I have (my ex-wife actually) a beautiful picture of me at 12 In 1961. However, it is my face and shoulders from a nude porn shot done at my mother's direction by her friend the photographer. I don't want anyone to see that one, ever.

I think it is a great opportunity to communicate with each other when we have made peace with who we were 30, 40, 50 years ago.

For me I am still struggling with finding peace, still trying to believe that I had choices and made the bad ones, though I know I had to choose among bad choices and would have regretted any experience I went through. I do not feel the child's bravery or even value his survival.

But there are days when it is not a punishment to wake up.

We all have different stories and we all are just the same.

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#438500 - 06/17/13 09:40 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: genedebs]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11112
Loc: Denver, CO
Here's a clearer shot of my avatar. Who would have thought those glasses would have come back in style one day?

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#438503 - 06/17/13 10:29 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: FormerTexan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: FormerTexan
Here's a clearer shot of my avatar. Who would have thought those glasses would have come back in style one day?


All you would need in that pic would be some super-tight jeans and a can of PBR and you'd fit right in at a modern-day hipster bar. LOL! Although, you would probably have needed to have a pretty convincing fake ID too.

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#438506 - 06/17/13 10:55 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: BraveFalcon]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11112
Loc: Denver, CO
I had to ask one of my younger coworkers exactly what a hipster was. When he showed me some pics, I was like ACK! No thanks! The glasses are GI, since my father was in the military. Back in those days I had no choice but to yield to my fashion-unconscious parents. These days it's no glasses, polo pullovers and either Levi's or Wranglers.
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#438510 - 06/17/13 11:41 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey texan,

I know how much you and all the boys in your class loved the look and probably wore glasses just like you.

I'm sorry, I really shouldn't tease. I really do know what you think of those glasses.

To show you I'm a sport here's a bigger avatar of me.


Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#438522 - 06/18/13 12:38 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 414
Loc: Canada
The pic on my profile is of me at 4 ... I think.

My abuse started at age 3.

Other than mandatory school photos ...
this is the only picture I know of taken of me as a small child.
I just found it recently among my Mother's things after she died.

You can't imagine how I cried when I found it.

I live again in a small silver frame on my nightstand.
It's the first thing I see in the morning ...
and often the last thing I look at before going to sleep.

I sleep better now ...

Knowing ...

I'm finally safe.
I've been found.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#438523 - 06/18/13 01:49 AM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Dave PNW Offline


Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 115
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Okay, here goes, for a limited time only. Dave around age 10. For most of my adult years I didn't want any childhood pictures of myself in my home. I felt that bad about myself. The only picture we had was me as a toddler, my wife had to ask my mom for it. Back in February in my family home in Pennsylvania, after both my mom and dad passed away I was there one last night before the estate sale. I found a couple pictures of myself as a boy, saved them and I brought them home. This is one. Dave

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#438530 - 06/18/13 03:14 AM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 414
Loc: Canada
I've spent a little time scrolling through the pics that guys have shared here.
I'm struck by one thing.
Despite it all ...
We were handsome boys.

Now I look at myself and all the pain seeps away.
I'm proud of that boy.
He was very brave.
He didn't cry.
He made it ...
He survived.

Now it's the man who cries ...
unashamedly ...
for him
and for myself.
I have every right to mourn ...
just as I have the right to smile ...
when I look at him.

We must be kinder to them now ...
than life was to them then.
They deserve it.

I cherish him ...
like nobody did then.

He's mine again.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#438538 - 06/18/13 08:22 AM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 209
For some reason I can't change the picture on my profile. Of course as soon as I post this it'll probably appear and make me look stupid...

I found this picture from when I was 11. I look pretty happy and normal. I'll try and upload it again later, but I'm kind of paranoid about having it here. So maybe it's a sign that it won't upload.

Well there you go. I'm taking this down later. This picture was taken near Christmas time, I'd been ice skating. I remember the jacket I'm wearing. It had lots of inside pockets and I had attached a mini compass to the zip of one of the pockets... sorry, was having a freak out so I took it down already.


Edited by txb (06/18/13 08:53 AM)
Edit Reason: freaking out

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#438539 - 06/18/13 08:31 AM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: StrugglingGuy]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 770
Loc: michigan
I have also made it a point not to have any childhood pictures in my house. I'm not crazy about current ones either I know there are some probably at my dads I just haven't found it in myself to go look at them yet. not sure why but maybe soon
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#438581 - 06/18/13 05:48 PM ! [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:43 PM)

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#438600 - 06/18/13 10:04 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: BraveFalcon]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL

Ok, why not?

My original avatar. This was taken at my fifth birthday. For some reason, I was angry and was sitting in the middle of the floor stewing while all the other kids played and had fun..... at MY birthday party! LOL! My mom says she doesn't remember what I was angry about but she thought it was funny so she took the picture......



I already explained my current avatar earlier in the thread when I posted this.....

Originally Posted By: BraveFalcon
I'm 7 in my avatar. That was Halloween of 1982. That was either just before or just after my first CSA experience. I'm not 100% sure which as the CSA either occurred in fall of '82 or spring of '83. I know that because we lived in CT at the time and it was cool outside but warm enough for me to be naked in the woods and not be all that cold.

Anyway, look at how fucking cool I thought I was! Is it any wonder I went through a "goth phase" later on in life? Ha ha!


So, here's the full size thing.....



Same night...


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#438618 - 06/19/13 02:37 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 414
Loc: Canada
BF ... you're not a vampire ...
you're a ham!

lol
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#438623 - 06/19/13 04:39 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey txb,

I also don't have many happy pictures of me but any picture of anyone I see here is not stupid. It shows a picture of a kid who wanted to be just a kid and at some point took a turn for the worse.

Sorry I missed the pic when it did go up. I'm sure there was nothing stupid about it but was just a picture of good kid no matter what was going on at the time. even for the short time it was up it showed a good kid.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#438624 - 06/19/13 05:40 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 261
Loc: Europe
When I went to this thread, I wasn't expecting it to be about photos. I NEVER thought I'd post my own, but I am. I'm 13 in this photo, in my favouriteshirt at the time. Outside of thr frame in this cropped shot is my abuser. Itscares me to compromise my anonymity here, but I don't think I'm very recognisable so it is ok. . I'm going this to show him my anonymity is NOT about anything I did. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm also doing this out of respect for all the great kids with photos here.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#438630 - 06/19/13 07:29 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: Shyshark]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Shyshark
BF ... you're not a vampire ...
you're a ham!


You have no idea....

At age 12. Summer of 1987...




Oh, and by the way, in another thread I just mentioned that I have a somewhat twisted and depraved sense of humor. Yeah, that goes way back! Ha ha!


Edited by BraveFalcon (06/19/13 07:32 AM)

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#438631 - 06/19/13 07:37 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey learning,

That's pretty brave of you to post your picture and thanks for adding to the collection. When I came to the site I was also paranoid about putting up my face and I changed it a few times. All my pictures from 10-18 were not so nice but I said WTF and I kept this one because it had my best friend and also in the game with me. But I thought it over and if someone remembers the face then fine but I've seen pictures of famous people at a young age and I would never have made the connection if I didn't know who it was. At first I didn't want to use a pic of me at one of the many photo shoots I did with my best friend or alone. But with this avatar, if you've seen it on the net you weren't supposed to be browsing the net in those places.

Thanks for the pic, it puts a face to the abuse and shows a normal kid trying to live life all the while he was trying to grow up.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#438634 - 06/19/13 07:59 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: lapchinj]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 261
Loc: Europe
Originally Posted By: lapchinj

Thanks for the pic, it puts a face to the abuse and shows a normal kid trying to live life all the while he was trying to grow up.


Thanks, lapchinj. The pic also shows a kid eating Chef Boyardee Ravioli. That's funny for me, because there is some nostalgia there, but it is also a reminder of normal moments.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#438645 - 06/19/13 11:02 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 414
Loc: Canada
I love this whole thing !

I saw the original post when it first went up and meant to act on it immediately ...
but I got caught up in something else and just forgot about it.

I couldn't wait to share mine.

It saddens me to think about the courage it took some of you to make this step ...
and elated that you did.
Thank you for being brave and sharing ...

and Thank you StrugglingGuy for starting it.

In that exact instant ... the precise moment ...
we were nothing more ... nothing less ... nothing different ...
than all the hundreds ... thousands ... of other boys who's picture was being taken.

We are what we were ... not what we were made to be.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#438646 - 06/19/13 11:06 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 414
Loc: Canada
P/S ...
I keep forgetting to change my little sad face to a happy one ...
... when I'm happy.
smile
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#438680 - 06/19/13 07:00 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: Shyshark]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2439
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Shyshark, i love your poem/story on page 5.

It speaks volumes of how i have come to know about my inner child. It's been a tough past four years trying to bring him into the sunshine, forever into eternity.

That's why I'm still that 10-14 year old boy emotionally & mentally, but physically in a 74 year old skin. I refuse to be an old man.

I love him & I'll never let him go.

Great response to this thread. I thank you all for sharing in it.

Wishing all my brothers here well in healing.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#438681 - 06/19/13 07:21 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: lapchinj]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 209
Originally Posted By: lapchinj
Hey txb,

I also don't have many happy pictures of me but any picture of anyone I see here is not stupid. It shows a picture of a kid who wanted to be just a kid and at some point took a turn for the worse.

Sorry I missed the pic when it did go up. I'm sure there was nothing stupid about it but was just a picture of good kid no matter what was going on at the time. even for the short time it was up it showed a good kid.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff


The stupidness was more my lack of profile picture changing skills rather than the picture itself. Turns out all you had to do was refresh the page and the new picture would be there. The only stupid thing about the picture is Iím smiling like my life is awesome, when itís not. Iíve always felt angry about everyone else around me, like why did they not see something was wrong, why did no one do anything? But when I looked at this picture I thought, how could they know? There is nothing to see. When I think about age 11, I think I was this really horrible obnoxious brat. I got kicked out of school at that age so I guess I expected myself to look like some evil kid in the picture. I just look like a nice ordinary kid. After reading this thread I really wanted to add my picture here.

I only left it here for about 20 minutes, then I just got scared thinking about other pictures of me. It was less than 10 years ago that stuff happened to me. The pictures from then are probably still circulating. I want to get rid of the thought that every time some sick person looks at those pictures I am being re-abused, because thatís not really true. The kid in those pictures was not really truly me. It was all acting. I donít know if I can explain properly... but I donít want pictures of me as a real kid having just been ice skating to have anything to do with those other pictures. I'm not sure if that makes any sense to anyone except me.

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#438686 - 06/19/13 08:21 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 224
Loc: California
txb,
Your feelings around the photos and not wanting them to have anything to do with the "other" photos of you make a lot of sense to me. I have the same issues with posting and seeing my photo. I struggle with taking it off every time I see my post. I know there are tons of other pics and more of me floating around out there that are horrible. I know about wanting to keep that kid out of the other stuff.

I guess to me, posting that picture gives me back a sense of control. I cannot control any other pics of me that are out there, but I can get one out there that is at least a halfway decent photo. And a picture that at least has all my clothes on. And it just happened to coincide with some recent work with little Todd that I have been doing. To me right now, it feels like a big middle finger to all the bastards that hurt me. Who knows how I'll feel next week.

The important thing is that you are doing what you are comfortable with and keeping your picture of yourself where you want it to be.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#438687 - 06/19/13 09:38 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 736
Loc: Southeast USA
.


Edited by Suwanee (06/21/13 08:21 AM)
Edit Reason: Perfidy
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#438704 - 06/20/13 02:04 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Learning, I loved Chef Boyardee Ravioli or anyone's Ravioli. My best was a cheeseburger, fries and a vanilla coke.

Originally Posted By: txb
.... The only stupid thing about the picture is Iím smiling like my life is awesome, when itís not. Iíve always felt angry about everyone else around me, like why did they not see something was wrong, why did no one do anything? But when I looked at this picture I thought, how could they know? There is nothing to see. When I think about age 11, I think I was this really horrible obnoxious brat. I got kicked out of school at that age so I guess I expected myself to look like some evil kid in the picture. I just look like a nice ordinary kid. After reading this thread I really wanted to add my picture here.

What's wrong with a picture that has smiling? It's better than the other ones you were thinking of. I have other pictures of me like the other ones your thinking of. I like the cropped version of my avatar. It shows me looking happy, I don't know if I was or not at the time, and my best friend's head on my shoulder. I was 12 he was 10-1/2. This was the first photo shoot with him when I started getting pimped I think my friend was 9 when he started being pimped. It looks normal but we sit there with no cloths or bathing suits on. So pictures can be deceiving. but the picture has to give us hope and not dispare.

When I look at a picture like Todd's why shouldn't he show that one. It's what he should have been even though he was being abused at the time very viciously. All the pictures shown here on MS look like regular kids without a care in the world and not to remind us of the porn. I think that's were we want to be and not like the other pictures that you said were not you. The picture of most of us here on MS are not happy at the time those pictures were taken but they all look like normal kids.


Originally Posted By: txb
....It was less than 10 years ago that stuff happened to me. The pictures from then are probably still circulating. I want to get rid of the thought that every time some sick person looks at those pictures I am being re-abused, because thatís not really true. The kid in those pictures was not really truly me. It was all acting. I donít know if I can explain properly... but I donít want pictures of me as a real kid having just been ice skating to have anything to do with those other pictures. I'm not sure if that makes any sense to anyone except me.

I don't think that you should feel like you're being re-abused. of course those pictures of you are still on the net. Thousands of pictures were taken of me and for all I know they're all there on the net. You can find them (not the raunchy ones) in a simple google search. I must have had at least 200 videos (in those days they were 8 and 16 mm film) of me taken over the years. I only saw one and that was the week after it was made and I will never forget that movie.

Your thinking makes a lot of sense to me, I know exactly where you're coming from.

Originally Posted By: learning2remember
....shows a kid eating Chef Boyardee Ravioli. That's funny for me, because there is some nostalgia there, but it is also a reminder of normal moments.

We all had normal moments even when we were being abused. Those are the moments we should dwell on not the ones on some russian or ukrainian server.

We all had bad things happen to us and we can't change it - it happened. But with the correct avatar we can strive to be and feel like aa normal person again.

Originally Posted By: Toddop
...I guess to me, posting that picture gives me back a sense of control. I cannot control any other pics of me that are out there, but I can get one out there that is at least a halfway decent photo. And a picture that at least has all my clothes on. And it just happened to coincide with some recent work with little Todd that I have been doing. To me right now, it feels like a big middle finger to all the bastards that hurt me. Who knows how I'll feel next week.

This statement, I think, sums up the reason we should post the best pictures we can. And who knows, maybe next week we'll feel even better looking at the kid we should have been.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#438714 - 06/20/13 10:09 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Tanis2105 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/10
Posts: 47
Loc: SW Florida
I haven't seen this picture in over 30 years and to be honest its a bit upsetting but if others are able to post their's then its time I do as well.
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsnCq24hu9w

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#438781 - 06/21/13 12:46 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Tanis2105

It's great that you added. But my mother was never able to get me to button my top button

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#438813 - 06/21/13 10:03 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11112
Loc: Denver, CO
I too have the dreaded top-button look in mine. Didn't exactly help my relational skills in the 70s.


Edited by FormerTexan (06/21/13 05:06 PM)
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#438836 - 06/21/13 04:08 PM ! [Re: BraveFalcon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:56 PM)

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#438889 - 06/22/13 02:28 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy

OK a Cabbage Patch doll in one picture and a Smurf in the other. Totally 80s LOL.


That it was. Although keep in mind that the Smurf was an actual friend of mine and therefore got to live. The Cabbage Patch Kid belonged to my little sister, and therefore had to die. In fact, at 12, it was my mission to have all Cabbage Patch Kids die this way. Sadly, this was the only one I ever successfully terminated. frown

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#438911 - 06/22/13 08:03 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
I have a very similar photo of me as a vampire at about that age somewhere, i'll have to look around for it.

Cool photos!
_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#438915 - 06/22/13 08:13 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: king tut]
BraveFalcon Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: king tut
I have a very similar photo of me as a vampire at about that age somewhere, i'll have to look around for it.

Cool photos!


Thanks KT! I would love to see your vampire pic. I hope you get a chance to post it. Although, I wonder, do you also have a pic of yourself murdering a Cabbage Patch Kid? If so, please post it as well! grin

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#438923 - 06/22/13 09:43 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
Lol, no cabbage patch kid, but I may have a smurf teddy photo somewhere
_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#439304 - 06/26/13 07:43 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
LonelyFarmBoy Offline


Registered: 06/08/13
Posts: 23
Loc: Nebraska
I like your pics.

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#439481 - 06/28/13 10:07 PM . [Re: StrugglingGuy]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#439518 - 06/29/13 12:31 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: JoeSmith]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: JoeSmith
....The one reliable thing about being a severe abuse victim survivor, is you can always count on the loneliness and despair, at least they will never leave you
But I think it is cathartic to show these older pictures, great idea.
Thanks for the picture Joe, Sorry you had to be here.

I think that showing the picture of men when they were molested and abused as kids shows the world the real face of the horror of CSA. It shows the size of the child when he was abused and how defenseless he actually was to any size adult. It shows the naivety of the child and how easily he was manipulated. It also shows the face of a child when he was introduced to the horrors of CSA and the age his inner-self disconnected from the boy he was supposed to be.

Originally Posted By: JoeSmith
....a picture of when I was around 6 yrs old, which would have been that "lost little boy". I mourn what he went through, and I mourn his figuratively speaking, "death"....
I look at my avatar of when I was 12 and look at a kid ("lost little boy") who ruined my life, changed my future and made me hide for 40+ years because of the person I really was. For him "taking the bait" hook, line and sinker, I still hold him responsible for what he went through for 9 years.

Now I face the prospect of making peace with that "lost little boy". Seeing the pictures add up here on this thread I can finally see that the "bait" used was specially developed for each kid. My "bait" was the overwhelming love I had for sfather (surrogate father) and the love that I still have for him. He gave me the world and the love my parents never gave me. The bait was his love for me and never being beaten by him like I was by my mother and never being ignored by him like I was by my father.

I still don't cry for him yet but I do cry for what he gave up in order for him to follow his own heart. The sports future he always wanted given up for a childhood of drugs, johns, photo sessions and movies. I do acknowledge now the fact that at times I thought I would end up dead. Maybe sold to someone else someplace and finally end up in a river or just disappear.

Thanks Joe, maybe one day I will hopefully cry for that "little lost boy".

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#439591 - 06/30/13 01:30 PM . [Re: lapchinj]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#439627 - 06/30/13 10:53 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Greg,

Too much happened and I'm still making sense of it all. One thing I know is that I was fucked in more ways than one. I still love what sfather did for me and that makes it complex.

I hope one day I will be able to cry for that kid but right now I'm still at the bargaining table, the union on one side and the city on the other. Each has his own spin on things and are far apart in their talk or lack thereof. I have to keep up with it because I don't see any way out of my mess other than things that I don't even want to talk about.

Your post was spot on. I look at each avatar because it shows how unable we were to defend ourselves. It still doesn't let my little me off the hook for making the decision to go with the movie people. I was warned by sfather not to go do anything on my own, that it is very dangerous. I didn't listen to him. I know that he set me up and sold me to the movie people. Maybe he had no choice, I don't know. I still love what he did for me.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#439826 - 07/02/13 05:37 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1390
Oh... What the hell. I was a dork. Why hide it?

....


..My Bar Mitzvah. So GQ.
....and yeah - I actually grew nicely into those ears.



....AquaBoy to the rescue!

When I wasn't swimming, I was on my racer..

....My dad took this picture of me on an awesome father-son camping weekend.

....A rascal at 13.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#439844 - 07/02/13 09:23 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: Chase Eric]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11112
Loc: Denver, CO
Real cool, CE. smile

You weren't alone. I felt like a resident of nerd central as a kid.
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#439845 - 07/02/13 09:27 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: FormerTexan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
Great pics Eirik!

Originally Posted By: FormerTexan
You weren't alone. I felt like a resident of nerd central as a kid.


Yeah, me to, and the other kids at school did all they could to reinforce that feeling. Every..... single.... day. frown

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#439851 - 07/02/13 10:38 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: BraveFalcon]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11112
Loc: Denver, CO
Quote:
Every..... single.... day. frown


Testify, brother!
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#439860 - 07/02/13 11:49 PM . [Re: lapchinj]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#439866 - 07/03/13 12:23 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
just me Offline


Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 195
Brave men...all
Thank you so much for sharing....
_________________________
My Story

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#439874 - 07/03/13 02:27 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Greg,

When I was 14-15 I was either groomed, taken or just plain sold into movies. It was after I got into the car that came to pick me up where I was told to wait. I was beaten and bloody and I knew I was scared and very in trouble. The beatings and torture lasted that year of my life every Tuesday after school. A part of those times I was forced to do things that I really don't like to talk about and was responsible a week ago monday for a series of events. I flipped out in my T's office when we started to talk about what the interview for the WoR would be about. Then I canceled going to the WoR in Connecticut. Then emailing my T saying that I don't to continue with therapy or my meds.

So that's why I decided to not talk about it here in public. I have a lot of problems with what I was forced to do and I don't know how that piece of my story would be understood by the guys here.

But thanks for your concern and help, I do appreciate all that you've said

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#439876 - 07/03/13 03:04 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Eric

I recognize that very sinister smile of yours smile

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#439936 - 07/03/13 05:10 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1390
Originally Posted By: Jeff
Hey Eric

I recognize that very sinister smile of yours smile

Impish, perhaps. A bit mischievous, maybe. But sinister? Moi? LoL! It is rather amazing I am smiling through all these images. And it's a deep smile, too - real genuine. With the exception of the sniper image (in which I was 10 and the abuse was still two years away), it is highly probably that none of those images was more than 24 to 48 hours from one of the many sexual engagements with my older neighbor. I was an expert at hiding it ALL. Besides, like a naive pigeon, I was still lapping up the antifreeze, thinking this sweet stuff isn't so bad. The toxin had not yet hit, and certainly no one was around to protect me from it...

I hope you don't mind me saying so, but I LOVE your avatar, Jeff. The expression on your face is priceless. I don't buy into categorical assessments easily, but I can tell that was one real sweet kid - right to the core. I'm so sorry he was cast into such an impossible world where there were simply no good choices for him to make. But the goodness just wants to bubble out, barely contained by that tight-lipped smile.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#439950 - 07/03/13 06:50 PM . [Re: lapchinj]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#439981 - 07/03/13 11:10 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
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Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Eric,

I was tight lipped I think because it was one of the first outings with sfather and my soon to be best friend. Looking at the whole picture it looks like I was 12 and that's Bobby with his head on me. We were naked, at a secluded part of the beach, and inside a tent. So I guess I really didn't know what would happen next. But as you can see I hit it off with him right away, we were in a way brothers and we kept each other sane for the next 7 years.

Your picture of the sniper is also smiling most probably, I haven't yet seen a picture of you where you weren't. And when was the last time you saw the other side of that picture to say you weren't smiling crazy.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#439982 - 07/03/13 11:21 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Greg,

I'm starting to face my past head on with my timeline. So far it's been the best thing I started doing. But there are pros and cons to anything like a timeline. the pros is that I can see where, when and what happened. The con is I can see how fucked up I was.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#439984 - 07/03/13 11:26 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: lapchinj]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
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Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11112
Loc: Denver, CO



That's an old Yashica camera I'm holding. Used 127 film, which is long obsolete now, and standing in front of a classmate's house. At 12 years old.
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#439991 - 07/04/13 12:11 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Texan

That's a good looking shot. I love the hairdoo. I have a picture of my best friend Lanny who lived across the street from my parents house. He had in his hand his sister's Rolliecord made between 1958 and 1961. I wish I was able to get the serial number and I would know when it was bought by his sister. It looks like one of those cameras that you look into the top of the camera. My friend's hair was also long and he was holding the camera high but he was looking into the camera like he was taking a picture. The only real difference is that he wasn't properly dressed eek grin.

The camera in the picture was bigger than the one you have, so I was able to get a good look at the camera and the specific things that made up that model of camer. That camera took probably thousands of pictures of us. It took me a few days searching but I found it, the exact make and model and from when to when that model was made.

Oh Yeah, My friend didn't wear glasses.

I love those glasses Texas cool.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#439994 - 07/04/13 12:20 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
.
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#440470 - 07/09/13 04:28 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Me at 11, fully in the trap.
_________________________
ďWe can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.Ē - Plato

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#440487 - 07/09/13 05:56 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: Chase Eric]
BraveFalcon Offline
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Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
Originally Posted By: Jeff
Hey Eric

I recognize that very sinister smile of yours smile

Impish, perhaps. A bit mischievous, maybe. But sinister? Moi? LoL!


Eirik, sinister? Naw... at least he wasn't the one hanging a Cabbage Patch Kid by the neck with a choke chain. Mwah-haw-haw-haw! smirk

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#440553 - 07/10/13 10:29 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
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Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Ken,

You never know, everyone has some skeletons in their closets grin. Mine was taking my best friend's father's shotgun shells and when we were all glued up at 10 and 11 years old we we would throw then into the oil burner. Listen to the bank and watch the shit fly around the room. I came from a poor home they didn't have Cabbage Patch Kids in those days. Shit a lot of scary shit those days I'm surprised I'm here at all.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#440557 - 07/10/13 11:01 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: lapchinj]
Chase Eric Offline
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Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1390
Who knows? Maybe I was aiming directly at a cabbage patch kid. I won't say. What I will say is that I like my method of firing bullets more than Jeff's. Target shooting is far more accurate when bullets are fired from a gun rather than an oil burner.

Shotgun shells? In an oil burner? Really, Jeff??? I dare say you were lucky to survive more than just CSA. Not that I didn't do my share of crazy-stupid-insane-dumb things. But while your stuff involved shotgun shells and oil burners, mine involved more benign things like snails and toothpaste. Or dissecting dead mice on my mother's vanity counter with her tweezers and a silver-plated knife from the fine china. Then wrapping the carcass in a wad of tissue paper and hiding it in the back of the drawer. Then being a half mile down the street with my friends when I heard the blood-curdling shriek. I wish I knew you back then, Jeff. Then I could have said, "But mom, dead mice can't hurt you! At least I don't explode ammunition in the house in an uncontrolled manner!"

Ken, I am amazed at your wonderful images. Is that all the same kid? You look so different from one to the other. That goth one is amazing! What was that pose about? I think my fave was the cabbage patch execution. You just had this look of absolute purpose on your face.

By the way - my rifleman pic - that was a Remington Matchmaster 22. It weighed 8 pounds and I could barely carry it. And yes, Jeff - even though you only see my back, I probably was smiling. smile
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#440559 - 07/10/13 11:13 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: FormerTexan]
Chase Eric Offline
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Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1390
@Texan -

Love that pic! And that hair, those glasses, the camera! Back then I suspect a nerd - but today the same thing would define you as "in".

Between you and the truck on the right side of the image... is that a bear leg-hold trap???
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#440594 - 07/10/13 06:46 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
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Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Looks like a bicycle wheel Eric

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#440604 - 07/10/13 09:06 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: Chase Eric]
BraveFalcon Offline
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Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric

Ken, I am amazed at your wonderful images. Is that all the same kid? You look so different from one to the other.


Yeah, it's all me. My hair got significantly darker and curlier as I got older. Peace,

Ken

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#440607 - 07/10/13 10:09 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: lapchinj]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1390
Originally Posted By: lapchinj
Looks like a bicycle wheel Eric

Yikes - you're right, Jeff - that IS a bike! I focused on where the spokes met the rim at the bottom - looked like teeth. Of course I was just talking about my sniping picture and I see bear traps. When you think you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail, I guess.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#440613 - 07/10/13 11:08 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: Chase Eric]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11112
Loc: Denver, CO
Quote:
Back then I suspect a nerd - but today the same thing would define you as "in".


I've been told lovingly that perhaps I was ahead of my time back then. whistle
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#440620 - 07/11/13 12:28 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York


Originally Posted By: FormerTexan
I've been told lovingly that perhaps I was ahead of my time back then.
YESSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssss grin

cool cool WAY COOL cool cool

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#440992 - 07/16/13 12:28 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: lapchinj]
pufferfish Offline
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Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Couldn't help posting another one or two:

This is at CampOree. I was about 12. I could still smile.



This was taken at school in gym class. I'm on the bottom row on the right side and looking downward. We made a human pyramid. My friend Tommy has his elbow on my back.





Edited by pufferfish (07/16/13 10:52 PM)

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#441076 - 07/16/13 04:33 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
peroperic2009 Offline
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Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Puffer, what a great pics. I've seen already your photo from Scouts somewhere.
I like very much this other photo from school too. It caught atmosphere so vividly.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#441082 - 07/16/13 05:50 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Pero,

It looks like he's collapsing under the weight. He's starting to go down grin

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#441084 - 07/16/13 06:13 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
peroperic2009 Offline
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Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jeff,
ha ha, it crossed my mind, lol.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#441100 - 07/16/13 09:51 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Pero,

I think it shows in the picture that it's crossing Allens mind also. I would love to see what the next picture looked like grin.

We have to ask him if he kept that one.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#441111 - 07/16/13 10:53 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: lapchinj]
pufferfish Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Thanks. I was encouraged by the comments so I came up with some more pictures.

My other friend Nash


Nash took the picture of the pyramid.

Me getting an ice cream:


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#441113 - 07/16/13 11:29 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Allen,

We had the same truck on our block here in NY. Looks like the same guy or his son also, he has the same white uniform and I'm sure he had a Good Humor hat and he even has one of those coin changers on his belt.

Boy that family gets around.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#441224 - 07/17/13 11:35 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: lapchinj]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: lapchinj
Hey Allen,

We had the same truck on our block here in NY. Looks like the same guy or his son also, he has the same white uniform and I'm sure he had a Good Humor hat and he even has one of those coin changers on his belt.

Boy that family gets around.


Well, you may have a point there. I'm not absolutely sure the boy wearing the striped shirt is me. (The boy in the striped shirt, not the boy in the striped pajamas). For instance, I didn't exactly have this picture stored away in a box somewhere waiting to post it here. I found the picture among others in a thread in facebook which has chains of old pictures.

However, I've been told that the boy looks like me. We lived in a house which looked almost identical to the one in the background on the right. I did have a striped shirt like the one shown. I probably looked like a discouraged kid, which the boy shown here seems to be.

Puff




Edited by pufferfish (07/18/13 12:39 AM)

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#441262 - 07/18/13 05:28 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: pufferfish]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
I'm not absolutely sure the boy wearing the striped shirt is me.


I don't think it is you, just from other pictures you have posted, could be wrong though
_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#441286 - 07/18/13 08:12 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: king tut]
pufferfish Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
OK, Well I will accept that as definitive. The boy in the striped shirt was not me. But that was certainly a weird situation. He looked a lot like me but his head was shaped a little bit differently. He had thick ankles which I don't, and I don't think I ever wore that kind of shoe. So, somewhere there is a man about my age who'se family lived in a house like the one I lived in, lived in the same part of the country with similar trees in the yard, and who also purchased an ice cream from a mobile vendor. It's almost the idea of the parallel universe. Whoever he is, I hope he has dealt with his childhood depression and is feeling better.

Also, I have to amend the idea I projected about the 2 friends pictured. The truth is that after the abuse I got when I was 12, I went to a different school than they did for a year. Also I was increasingly losing my ability to maintain friendships. Severe abuse somehow makes us very brittle in social situations. They asked me to be in the living pyrimid, which made me feel much better. I don't think they knew what was wrong with me. That's what happens to abused kids. My family moved to a different community and they forgot who the boy was at the base of their pyramid on the right. Abused boys just kind of drop out of society and nobody really knows why or where they went. At least that's what happened to me. But just looking at those pictures helps me to come to some important insights. At that time I had little or no understanding of why things were like they were. I had deep amnesia about the abuse and it was many years before I figured out what happened.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (07/18/13 08:26 PM)

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#441288 - 07/18/13 08:27 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Allen,

Quote:
Well, that's the truth even though it deflates me a little bit.

But at least you can talk about it so that's a plus. Sometimes the truth hurts but that's something we all have to deal with. The truth hurts a lot but it's so good that you can look at it, it will be easier to conquer the pain.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#441318 - 07/19/13 12:56 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: pufferfish]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 224
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
Abused boys just kind of drop out of society and nobody really knows why or where they went. At least that's what happened to me. But just looking at those pictures helps me to come to some important insights. At that time I had little or no understanding of why things were like they were. I had deep amnesia about the abuse and it was many years before I figured out what happened.


Hey Puffer, this is the truth if I ever heard it. Sometimes on this site, you read something that just sums up everything so well. Thanks for giving voice to this. I felt exactly the same way. And I am just now finding out where that abused boy that was me went and what happened to him. And like Jeff says admitting that is the start of getting it all sorted out.

May we all find them and help heal from the things that happened to us!

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#441337 - 07/19/13 07:41 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: toddop]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3450
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: toddop
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
Abused boys just kind of drop out of society and nobody really knows why or where they went. At least that's what happened to me. But just looking at those pictures helps me to come to some important insights. At that time I had little or no understanding of why things were like they were. I had deep amnesia about the abuse and it was many years before I figured out what happened.


Hey Puffer, this is the truth if I ever heard it. Sometimes on this site, you read something that just sums up everything so well. Thanks for giving voice to this. I felt exactly the same way. And I am just now finding out where that abused boy that was me went and what happened to him. And like Jeff says admitting that is the start of getting it all sorted out.

May we all find them and help heal from the things that happened to us!

Todd


SO SO SO TRUE!

i was one that my teachers would have voted as most likely to succeed. but i have always skirted around the edges of what would be called success - getting by - but underachieving for my potential - never drawing too much attention to myself.

in a couple weeks i will be able to mine the vast trove of family photos at brother's place that came from the parents' house. i am both scared and excited to think of what i might discover there. i promise to share - whatever insights i gain.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#441410 - 07/19/13 08:16 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Lee,

I hope there will be no eye openers, like recognizing someone you didn't wish to remember. I can't give any advice because I don't have that problem. I have all 18 pictures of me from the age of 0-10. I have a few pictures of them, not for me though, that I'll keep for their great grandchildren. Too bad they weren't great parents.

I sure wish that those pictures bring back plenty of good memories and not some surprise.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#442298 - 07/27/13 12:50 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 414
Loc: Canada
I want to thank you again StrugglingGuy ...

for introducing this to us all.

This is my favourite post.

It runs the gamut of emotions ... from love to hate to love.

To those of you who struggled with the posting of your pic

and those who made inciteful comments ...

Thank you.

This has been very uplifting for me.

... and the little boy in my pic ...

is grateful.

He really isn't alone.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#442360 - 07/27/13 02:08 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Shy

Your thoughts about this thread and using your picture for an avatar is the whole Idea behind StrugglingGuy. It has helped me tremendously to see all the innocent faces of kids that went through hell and survived it. Your picture shows me an innocent child that only wanted to be loved and have a normal childhood. Thanks for being brave enough to show that little boy in your avatar.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#442362 - 07/27/13 02:11 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 736
Loc: Southeast USA
..


Edited by Suwanee (07/27/13 02:12 PM)
Edit Reason: Perfidy
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#463153 - 03/25/14 03:18 PM Re: Me at age 11 [Re: COSC]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 300
during my recovery i found i had to go back and find as many pictures of myself at the age of my abuse. fortunately there were many for me to look at. it was very helpful in my recovery
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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