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#439518 - 06/29/13 12:31 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: JoeSmith]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: JoeSmith
....The one reliable thing about being a severe abuse victim survivor, is you can always count on the loneliness and despair, at least they will never leave you
But I think it is cathartic to show these older pictures, great idea.
Thanks for the picture Joe, Sorry you had to be here.

I think that showing the picture of men when they were molested and abused as kids shows the world the real face of the horror of CSA. It shows the size of the child when he was abused and how defenseless he actually was to any size adult. It shows the naivety of the child and how easily he was manipulated. It also shows the face of a child when he was introduced to the horrors of CSA and the age his inner-self disconnected from the boy he was supposed to be.

Originally Posted By: JoeSmith
....a picture of when I was around 6 yrs old, which would have been that "lost little boy". I mourn what he went through, and I mourn his figuratively speaking, "death"....
I look at my avatar of when I was 12 and look at a kid ("lost little boy") who ruined my life, changed my future and made me hide for 40+ years because of the person I really was. For him "taking the bait" hook, line and sinker, I still hold him responsible for what he went through for 9 years.

Now I face the prospect of making peace with that "lost little boy". Seeing the pictures add up here on this thread I can finally see that the "bait" used was specially developed for each kid. My "bait" was the overwhelming love I had for sfather (surrogate father) and the love that I still have for him. He gave me the world and the love my parents never gave me. The bait was his love for me and never being beaten by him like I was by my mother and never being ignored by him like I was by my father.

I still don't cry for him yet but I do cry for what he gave up in order for him to follow his own heart. The sports future he always wanted given up for a childhood of drugs, johns, photo sessions and movies. I do acknowledge now the fact that at times I thought I would end up dead. Maybe sold to someone else someplace and finally end up in a river or just disappear.

Thanks Joe, maybe one day I will hopefully cry for that "little lost boy".

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#439591 - 06/30/13 01:30 PM . [Re: lapchinj]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#439627 - 06/30/13 10:53 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Hey Greg,

Too much happened and I'm still making sense of it all. One thing I know is that I was fucked in more ways than one. I still love what sfather did for me and that makes it complex.

I hope one day I will be able to cry for that kid but right now I'm still at the bargaining table, the union on one side and the city on the other. Each has his own spin on things and are far apart in their talk or lack thereof. I have to keep up with it because I don't see any way out of my mess other than things that I don't even want to talk about.

Your post was spot on. I look at each avatar because it shows how unable we were to defend ourselves. It still doesn't let my little me off the hook for making the decision to go with the movie people. I was warned by sfather not to go do anything on my own, that it is very dangerous. I didn't listen to him. I know that he set me up and sold me to the movie people. Maybe he had no choice, I don't know. I still love what he did for me.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#439826 - 07/02/13 05:37 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1308
Oh... What the hell. I was a dork. Why hide it?

....


..My Bar Mitzvah. So GQ.
....and yeah - I actually grew nicely into those ears.



....AquaBoy to the rescue!

When I wasn't swimming, I was on my racer..

....My dad took this picture of me on an awesome father-son camping weekend.

....A rascal at 13.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#439844 - 07/02/13 09:23 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: Chase Eric]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11056
Loc: Denver, CO
Real cool, CE. smile

You weren't alone. I felt like a resident of nerd central as a kid.
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#439845 - 07/02/13 09:27 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: FormerTexan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL
Great pics Eirik!

Originally Posted By: FormerTexan
You weren't alone. I felt like a resident of nerd central as a kid.


Yeah, me to, and the other kids at school did all they could to reinforce that feeling. Every..... single.... day. frown

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#439851 - 07/02/13 10:38 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: BraveFalcon]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11056
Loc: Denver, CO
Quote:
Every..... single.... day. frown


Testify, brother!
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#439860 - 07/02/13 11:49 PM . [Re: lapchinj]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#439866 - 07/03/13 12:23 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
just me Offline


Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 194
Brave men...all
Thank you so much for sharing....
_________________________
My Story

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#439874 - 07/03/13 02:27 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Hey Greg,

When I was 14-15 I was either groomed, taken or just plain sold into movies. It was after I got into the car that came to pick me up where I was told to wait. I was beaten and bloody and I knew I was scared and very in trouble. The beatings and torture lasted that year of my life every Tuesday after school. A part of those times I was forced to do things that I really don't like to talk about and was responsible a week ago monday for a series of events. I flipped out in my T's office when we started to talk about what the interview for the WoR would be about. Then I canceled going to the WoR in Connecticut. Then emailing my T saying that I don't to continue with therapy or my meds.

So that's why I decided to not talk about it here in public. I have a lot of problems with what I was forced to do and I don't know how that piece of my story would be understood by the guys here.

But thanks for your concern and help, I do appreciate all that you've said

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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