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#436631 - 06/03/13 01:34 AM Desperate for some advice & insight
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
I'm going to start by saying this post may be especially triggering to survivors of parental sexual abuse.

I had been trying to avoid talking with my father who, for those of you who are unfamiliar with my story thus far, was my abuser from birth to the age of 5.

Around 5pm I talked with my dad out of weakness. I missed him. A part of me feels like it isn't even a choice. I have to let him in. I have to talk to him because it makes him happy and therefore it makes me happy. All I was planning on doing was talking to him for a few minutes so I could tell him I was going to be unavailable for a few days...I needed that space from him without him constantly begging me to talk to him. A few minutes turned into an hour and somehow we had phone sex. Afterwards we continued to talk and he suggested that I let him come to see me. I agreed. I gave him my address, we hung up with each other and he set out on the 4 hour drive from his house to mine.

I shook the entire time as I waited for him to arrive. Iíd be lying if I said I wasnít excited, but a big part of me was terrified. I wasnít as nervous to see him as much as I had a legitimate fear of him.

Somehow he managed to make a 4 hour trip in 3 hours, although the wait seemed more like 8. Shortly after 10pm he pulled up into my driveway in his beat up 1999 Mercury Grand Marque. I was petrified. I could hear his footsteps on my front porch and I felt like my heart was going to explode from my chest. He knocked on my door, I answered it, and before I could try to say anything he kissed me. Iíll spare you the details but in a nutshellÖI led him to my room and he made love to me. And thatís exactly what it felt like. Tender, passionate and full of love.

Afterwards, he looked at me and said "daddy loves you, son" and then I got up and went to the bathroom. I threw up and broke down in tears. That's all I actually wanted. I just wanted my dad to love me. And for some reason it took all that for me to realize he doesn't. It feels like he loves me but itís a lie. His loving words are lies and these feelings are lies. I want so desperately to feel loved by my father.

Suddenly everything that Iíve been told here on MS began rushing back into my mind. Those of you who tried to tell me my father didnít actually care about me, you were right. Those of you who said he had groomed me, you were right. Everyone who commented on my previous posts trying to explain to me that the feelings I have were planted in by him were absolutely right. But for whatever reason I couldnít accept it. But at that moment I realized what was really happening.

Then I heard his car start. He left. He didnít say anything to me. No goodbyes. Nothing. He just left. I went and looked out the window and saw him driving away. I went to my bedroom to get my clothes and saw he had left a $5 bill on my bed and on it he had written, ďyou were a lot better than you were at 5 years oldĒ when previously he wouldnít even admit to what he did to me as an infant and toddler.

He since has texted me a good bit, even though heís only been gone a little over 2 hour. He hasnít even made it back home yet. He is saying all the usual deceitful and seemingly loving things. He seems so happy and energetic about all of this. He keeps calling me ďHotrodĒ which was his nickname for me when I was a baby. He already wants to see me again, he says. And he said the only reason he left was because he thought I needed to be alone...for some reason.

The act of being with him was overwhelming. The feeling of love and the undivided attention and affection was intoxicating. But then it was over. And as quickly as I felt affirmed and fulfilled, I felt empty again. He had taken something from me. Or perhaps I gave it away. Either way I feel like Iím only part the man I was before he showed up.

I know my feelings are manufactured by my father...right? And he doesnít actually love me...right? I feel disgusting for what Iíve done. I feel even worse for wanting him again. Why would I want this? Especially now that I know Iím only worth $5 and a gut-wrenching note, even if my heart or mind canít fully accept it.

I feel like Iíve begun to see even more truth but at the same time Iíve never been more confused. I canít trust my thoughts. I canít trust my feelings. I canít trust my dad. After all these years it now seems that my dad wasn't my only abuser. I'm my abuser too.

Iím afraid to post this. Iím a huge disappointment to myself and Iím a huge disappointment to those of you who have offered me such valuable advice and helpful conversations. Not to mention my writing is probably very disjointed and most of this Iím sure doesn't make much sense. Iím sorry.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436633 - 06/03/13 01:57 AM Re: Desperate for some advice & insight [Re: Confuzzed]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3018
Loc: O Kanada
that 5$ bill is all the evidence you need!

sorry you had to find out the hard way, but it is good that you have figured it out.

YOU are your best friend.
YOU can be your worst enemy.

YOU are in control.

please check out this video : http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...6602#Post436602
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#436636 - 06/03/13 02:32 AM Re: Desperate for some advice & insight [Re: Confuzzed]
DRA Offline


Registered: 02/07/13
Posts: 47
Confuzzed,

I'm so sorry. What's just happened is inexcusable. A father is supposed to protect, mentor, and support his son. A father is not supposed to manipulate, use, and victimize his son. A father should be one whom a son wants to be, not one whom a son should avoid at all and every moment.

Your father is a wretched man. He's done things to you that no one should do to anyone. The "happy" feeling is, in part, a neuro-chemical reaction to allowing your body to activate certain mental pathways and your father has conditioned you to feel like the lack of fulfillment of those pathways is painful. But because you don't know anything else, perhaps that feeling is mistaken for "good".

That being said, you are not a disappointment, at least not to me. You found he resources to reach out here, to talk and to ask for support. We're here for you. I've got a plaque on my wall that reads, "Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." While clichť, it is far from vapid. We can only learn some things by making mistakes because otherwise we might not even notice what we're doing.

There are two things about which you are absolutely right: you cannot trust your father and he is your abuser. I disagree that you are your own abuser. Your father conditioned you, trained you, taught you to behave a certain way. You've already demonstrated that you're working against his manipulations. That is your strength.

You are not your abuser. You are your teacher. You are not a disappointment to me. You are a sign of strength: the strength to heal, to ask for help, to reach beyond yourself. You give me courage to continue my own healing. No matter what happens, please remember that we have to go through the pain to get past it. We can't go around it.

Here's my caveat: the journey is longer than we ever thought. So take heart. We will stumble and we will fall. Sometimes we'll be able to get right back up, and others we'll have to pull ourselves along by the tips of our fingers and push with the edges of our toes. At least we can keep moving, millimeter at a time.

Today, maybe you only moved one millimeter. But you're here, on MS, and talking about what happened. Instead of avoiding it, you're coming out and discussing it. So take heart. Maybe you've stumbled, fallen, and scraped your knees up really badly. But you can still move and still make progress.

Your courage gives me strength.

Yours,

DRA
_________________________
Strength in power is a false victory rooted in vapid grandiosity. Strength in character and integrity is the freedom to act righteously irrespective of the surrounding pressure. True power is the presence of mind to live with character and integrity.

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#436639 - 06/03/13 02:56 AM Re: Desperate for some advice & insight [Re: Confuzzed]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on Confuzzed,
I'm sorry for such outcome, please look how to protect yourself. With parents who already crossed safe border is never enough caution. I don't know if you have been in some therapy and do you have someone for talk about it?
It is nothing new that victims of abuse sometimes are terrible confused about abusive people and easy target for manipulation. You have feelings, you were craving for love and you were used by person for which I don't have enough words or any word to say about him.
Please don't be desperate and try to regain your sanity and look how to protect yourself. That should be your priority.
You shouldn't allow to be easily accessible by any means like phone, e-mail or whatever. That is advice that I would very seriously consider if I would be in your shoes.

Pero

_________________________
My story

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#436655 - 06/03/13 09:21 AM Re: Desperate for some advice & insight [Re: Confuzzed]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Basically you have to decide: do you want this man as a lover or not in your present life?
I am afraid that you did not had father in any real sense from the beginning so you could also stop call him like that and face it as it isÖ

I think that you do not have much chance to stay in normal contact with that man because of your own sexual attractions toward him, so either you should accept him as your lover or stop all contacts Ė father part never existed anyway, it is simple as that.


Edited by Ivo (06/03/13 09:21 AM)

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#436657 - 06/03/13 09:39 AM Re: Desperate for some advice & insight [Re: Confuzzed]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 588
Loc: VA
confuzzed: >> ďyou were a lot better than you were at 5 years oldĒ <<<

Ick. Just Ick. That remark says a lot about your "father"--and what it says ain't pretty.

Think about whether a guy like that deserves your love.

John

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#436662 - 06/03/13 10:55 AM Re: Desperate for some advice & insight [Re: Confuzzed]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Thank you for having the courage in posting this. I hope this experience with reality will stay with you deeply in your heart and mind. As painful as the truth is, its better than living in the fantasy that this man really loves you. Still I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling.

To his twisted mind you are just a good fuck and a five dollar bill, and thats all you will ever be to him.

But thats NOT what you are. Get that sick monster out of your life and start working on YOU. You have all our support brother. Just do it!
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#436669 - 06/03/13 12:53 PM Re: Desperate for some advice & insight [Re: Confuzzed]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
Confuzzed I canít imagine the confusion inside you, my perp died when I was 7 but it doesnít change the facts, el Diablo raped and made me who I am, even 40 years later I donít think Iíd have the strength to say no; never been able to say no to anyone, let alone the monster that destroyed me. I still think about how he made me feel good, special, drunken beatings turned to me sucking him off. How I still wish to be near him, to make him happy. I was such a shattered and compliant boy, his abuse was the only thing positive in my life, but it was not meant to be, luckily for me it ended when I was 7, just a few short months before I put the mother in the ground G. My first memory is of el Diablo raping me, Iíll never be able to forget the torture of my 1st few years on this earth, its why itís so easy for me to say it does get better; doesnít it have to after the realization of your rape as the first thing you can remember. Please understand I am just recently dealing with my abuse too, and know how hard it is to see things objectively without the feelings and needs of the ďvictimĒ, to realize that a grown man does not have sex with someone that age, itís their malfunction, their aberration, I was nothing more than convenient to el Diablo, if I hadnít been available then someone else. Your such a beautiful person, you are so much more than the five-dollar bill left by the man who raped you, I wish you all the best, please donít be so hard on yourself, it does get better!

Chris
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#436795 - 06/04/13 05:03 AM Re: Desperate for some advice & insight [Re: Confuzzed]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Thank all of you for all of your advice and wisdom. This is a tough situation but with the help of my therapist who I'm seeing for the first time this week and the amazing support I've found here at MS, I honestly think I'll have the strength to change my life and move beyond all of this pain and my distorted relationship with my father.

Thank you all again
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436877 - 06/04/13 07:19 PM Re: Desperate for some advice & insight [Re: Confuzzed]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
Confuzzed,

Wow, This is so hard. I too am an incest survivor. I understand the amount of compulsion and the feelings which cause us to seek things that will be denied us. I used to accept sex from my family when I wanted love more than anything. I was so indoctrinated that I believed I was at fault for sexual incest. I did not realize that little things that were said planted little small ideas that eventually became totally toxic as I did and said things over and over that were not true and believed them.

I feared for you when I read your post and knew that your dad had been successful in his seduction plans. when you wrote how he treated you and how you began to suddenly see through the incestuous sex and understand how badly you just really wanted to be loved my heart broke with understanding. I too just wanted to be loved.
Each Morning I look into the bathroom Mirror, I stare into my eyes and I say, "I LOVE YOU Geoffrey"

Your Dad is not safe for you to be around, further contact with him will only result in more conflicting messages about your worth, more efforts to recruit you into more incest, and more speaking of love while using you for sexual favors.

Thank you so much for being REAL, for telling the hard stuff, and for talking about your painful realization about your dad's motives.

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