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#436528 - 06/01/13 11:44 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: genedebs]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: genedebs
Yes, it is his fault and no matter how you deny it and how much he gives you what you need, doesn't change the fact.


That's probably one of the hardest things for me to accept. Like I said, he is so incredible to me now. So caring. And when I think about what he did to me when I was so little...I mean, what kind of man rapes his own infant/toddler soon like that? Its horrible.

The fact that this incredibly sensitive and loving man could do something so terrible to me...it doesn't seem possible. And so I feel like there is just something about me. I justify things and rationalize things in my head for him. Like maybe there was just something about me and he really couldn't help himself. Or that maybe he was just in love with me and didn't actually mean any harm. I feel f-cked up for even thinking these things. The fact that I'm constantly defending him in my mind, and even to some guys I've talked to on here, is ridiculous. idk whats wrong with me. I'm more f-cked up than I could have possibly imagined.

I haven't slept at all in a few days and at this point I have no idea if I'm even talking in complete thoughts. If I don't makes sense, I apologize.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436530 - 06/01/13 11:49 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: BraveFalcon]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: BraveFalcon
It sounds like he's only trying to manipulate you anyway.


It doesn't seem like he's manipulating me though. It seems like he is really cares about me. But I get what you're saying. Its all very confusing for the most part but you make a lot of sense.

I don't think I could do the restraining order thing though. That would hurt him so much if I didn't something like that. I don't want to hurt him. And to risk him going back to jail...I just don't think I could do that to him. I don't want anything bad to happen to him smirk
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436540 - 06/02/13 03:02 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
I joined this site about 4 days ago, so I'm no expert in the topic but I want to convey a perspective that I haven't seen covered yet on this site which I think is a very real and important dimension of the cycles we are caught up in. Its important because in the effort to ascribe 'blame' or 'good' and 'evil' to a person (the perp), we are missing the target, which in this case happens to be an invisible moving one...so its hard to hit. The target is demonic in nature.

Let me start by saying I am a little bit spiritually open. I am aware of the spirit world's existence and have seen how it plays into our motives, actions, emotions, and thoughts. I've seen how demons look in spirit world and I know about their special interest in sexual affairs, because illicit sexual behavior is their best shot at creating a landing pad for themselves on earth. They have been at it, perfecting their poisonous delivery system for millenia and they are experts. So the dad, uncle, older brother...they are puppets of a much more aggressive and powerful masters of darkness and pain.

Any attempt to ascribe full blame to the puppet
is going to come up feeling thin and untenable.

My second point is this ...the fact that there are demonic entities behind the perp is easy to fathom...but in the extended sexual relationship, demons begin to work also through the heart, mind, and body of the victim causing intense longing, fear, lonliness, rage, and addiction.

These two types of demons have been having this long raging dance throughout history, using humans as their puppets.

Even though I'm not this great religious person, I strongly believe in intervention as one piece of the healing puzzle. Extricating ourselves from the puppet strings is sacred work. And for some it can happen instantaneously given the right conditions. We shouldn't rely only on spiritual power to save ourselves, but it is a component that should not be overlooked.

In the end these demons are a sad and bankrupt lot, with no place to call home...so while they are fearsome and corrupt, and experts in the field of sexual manipulation, they are also pitiful and unworthy of our genitals, which represent the hope of God and humanity. The door to our salvation, and theirs, will never open until we learn to say no, once and for all.

Finally, I want to thank the OP for this revealing account, which has helped me gain perspective on the nature of my own deceptive longings, and on the source of my pain and salvation.

I expect that from here on in, the great work of religion/spirituality has to be able to address and uproot this heinous system of human slavery, fully and completely... for the most part it has failed thus far.


Edited by GoldStone (06/02/13 03:07 AM)

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#436545 - 06/02/13 04:00 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1523
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Confuzzed
But he's not ALL bad though. He says some of the sweetest things. He's so nice and understanding and supportive. He tells me constantly how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. And he makes me feel so attractive...he tells me all the time. So he has to really love me at least a little bit, right? And being so sweet and caring is a good thing.....But it isnt his fault I feel so bad. He's as nice as can be

Aiden, forgive me for being forceful and blunt. But if I understand you correctly,
1) This man repeatedly raped you as a toddler.
A man who repeatedly rapes his toddler son does not love him even "a lttle bit".
2) He denies doing so.
A man who has done such a huge wrong to a son that he loves owns up to it, and makes amends for it.
3) You haven't seen or heard from him for 23 years.
A man who loves his son doesn't wait 23 years to tell him so.
4) Your recent contact has only been on the phone and via text messages.
He has no basis for loving you or thinking you are attractive. He hasn't seen you since you were 5 years old. And you do not have enough information about him to judge the sincerity of his statements.
5) His professions of love and caring are laced with sexual inuendo like "Meet me at a hotel and I'll show you how much I love you"
Fathers who really care about their adult children do not attempt to seduce them.
6) You like his attention, but feel disgusted with yourself for it.
Trust your gut. Its telling you there is something wrong here.

I can't be any clearer. DO NOT HAVE CONTACT WITH THIS MAN. He does not love you, does not mean you well, and does not want to offer you the healthy father/son relationship that you missed out on. Do not misunderstand me. You are a lovable, worthy, and valuable young man. You didn't deserve what he did to you 23 years ago, and you don't deserve what he's trying to do now.

Check the National Sex Offender Registry and see if his name is there. Chances are that you were not his only victim. Please don't let your desire for a father's love cause you to be victimized again.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#436546 - 06/02/13 04:12 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Jude]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
I agree 100% with Jude. Jude you could not have put it any more clearer than this. In the book Victims No Longer by mike Lew there a very if not identical story about this kind of sexual abuse. Aiden, I hope all this advice help you get through this difficult and painful time in your life. You can overcome this. i have witness it happen many a times.
_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

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#436547 - 06/02/13 04:14 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Jude]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: Jude
He has no basis for loving you or thinking you are attractive. He hasn't seen you since you were 5 years old.


He's asked for pictures and I've sent them so he's seen me.

But I understand everything you've said. I guess it makes sense. I just must be really stupid because I can't seem to make myself fully believe it. Maybe because I want him to love me...I guess like the way a father normally would? but idk, to be honest.

I can't think of any words that can truly depict how confused and torn I am.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436548 - 06/02/13 04:17 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: GoldStone]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
GoldStone, I understand everything you're saying. I personally am an anti-theist but I still see where you're coming from and you do make a lot of sense.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436549 - 06/02/13 04:47 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Originally Posted By: Confuzzed
GoldStone, I understand everything you're saying. I personally am an anti-theist but I still see where you're coming from and you do make a lot of sense.


Frame it in Jungian way then... in the collective unconscious resides every demon imaginable...(in my case, seeing them face to face, leaves me no doubt that they have a will of their own, but thats beside the point). I don't think we have to be a believer in invisible spirits to know that a fractured human heart has more destructive potential than an atom bomb. I just happened to think that no one's heart acts on its own...there is the force of history and the collective (for good or evil) behind every action and thought.

I was raised (and am at heart) a humanist raised in an atheist home...I see and appreciate the great benefits and the wisdom of this world view. I'm not patronizing anyone when I say that.

EDIT...I'm feeling that my contribution here is tangential to the thread but I can't delete it. Let's not get stuck here.


I wish Jude's post had a like button.


Edited by GoldStone (06/02/13 05:01 AM)

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#436595 - 06/02/13 03:18 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3336
Loc: O Kanada
your story is hard to read.
it does not resemble mine, but it still disturbs me.
on the surface it appears to be the ultimate betrayal.

i can only imagine how hard it was for you to live through this,
and now i can only admire your courage to deal with this openly and honestly.

i pray you find a healthy path through the rest of your life.
please continue to post your thoughts and feelings here.
other survivors will challenge and guide you.

you are not guilty.
you will heal.
you will recover.
you are real.

you have already started.

welcome.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#436619 - 06/02/13 09:36 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
johnb11 Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 10
Loc: Europe
Hi Confuzzed,
'I just must be really stupid because I can't seem to make myself fully believe it. Maybe because I want him to love me...I guess like the way a father normally would? '

You're not stupid, its normal. Give time for yourself to believe it. Already your attitude is changing from your early posts. Let your therapy do its work too on that. be patient with your self. Altho' my father didnt abuse me I crave his affection and proof of his acceptance of me. He blamed me for my abuse as an 11 y.o. when I told him recently. I HAD to walk away with my back straight,knowing he didnt have the capacity, i didnt really have a father,I wouldnt get what I wanted from him. I would have to get approval, encouragement, fatherly love elsewhere. Its possible.
_________________________
To my brothers here, and to remind me:
I am NOT alone.
I was NOT responsible
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=...e=1&theater

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