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#436458 - 06/01/13 03:53 AM New here. Here goes...
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
My name is Aiden and I'm new to this. I'm having a tough time figuring everything out on this site. Hopefully I'm doing everything right. If I'm not, I apologize. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed at times.

I'm terrified and extremely confused. I would cherish any possible advice, input and opinions. Sorry if there is too much detail...thats just how I've always told stories (I'm a writer...although I only write car reviews...a writer nevertheless lol). But I think maybe the term ***TRIGGER*** might apply to this? I'm not sure, I'm sorry. Just proceed with caution...some of this may be considered graphic, I guess.

I'll start at the beginning...
My biological father raped and molested me (allegedly up to 2,600 separate occasions) before my 5th birthday. My mother was absent during that time. She had gone into the military shortly after I was born and was stationed overseas. I stayed exclusively with my father. One day my grandmother came to see me. My father wasn't home and I was being watched by a babysitter whom my Granny sent home so she could spend time with me. She found bruises on my arms and a large bruise that resembled a hand on my back. And when she tried talking to me about it (4 years old at the time) I started crying and screaming saying that my dad would get taken away. She took me to the doctor and DNA evidence was found inside me that was proof my father that had been raping me. He was put in prison for 11 years.

Growing up, starting almost immediately after he was sent to prison, my nights were plagued with nightmares of being beaten up by my father. It wasn't until I was 11 or 12 that I realized I wasn't being beaten up, I was being raped. It was horrifying and even more horrifying once I realized it wasn't just violence but sexual violence. Although, I had no conscious memories of what he had done to me.

When I was 14 years old the nightmares slowly subsided and were replaced with very pleasurable and oddly comforting dreams of consensual sexual encounters with my father. After a few weeks of constant dreaming, which I greatly enjoyed on many levels, I suddenly began to think about how disturbing and disgusting the dreams were. I started feeling really dirty and scared. I didn't want to dream them anymore but I couldn't stop. So I stopped sleeping. I stayed awake for 9 consecutive days and ended up having to be hospitalized where they induced sleep. After that, the dreams became rather rare. I could handle the occasional dream. It wasn't overwhelming and I didn't feel as disgusting since it wasn't happening nightly.

Six months ago, out of the blue, my father contacted me. He had been given my phone number by my uncle (his brother). I was terrified. I had been suppressing everything as best as I could for such a long time. After all, honestly dealing with things is so much harder than pretending there is no problem. We slowly started talking over the phone and in texts but to date I have been far too scared to meet him in person. He has denied the fact that he ever sexually abused me (which, if you recall, was medically proven). I accepted his denial and we proceeded to fall into this sick relationship that quickly progressed from a seemingly father/son bond to a very strong romantic/sexual love.

Now I'm bombarded by never-ending thoughts of him both romantic and sexual. I've never wanted someone so badly in my entire life. And this love I feel, this IN-love feeling, feels so real. That butterfly-in-the-tummy feeling that normally accompanies a healthy love or crush is there every time I see his name pop up on my phone. I can't help but smile when I read his texts, which are so loving and supportive (two things I've always craved but were always without). Nothing has ever felt so real and so right, while feeling so deceptive and so wrong. My life has become a nightmare of confliction and I never knew it was possible to feel so lost.

Now he is beginning to be more and more apparent with his intentions. Especially today as he has been emailing me, texting me, and leaving voicemails...none of which I have responded to, even though I'm dying to. He was trying to talk me into meeting him at a hotel. I justified the suggestion because I suffer from extreme anxiety in social settings. He said it would give us privacy to talk and relax, have a few drinks and just spend time bonding. He has since hinted that we would "have a lot of fun" there and he would "show" me how much he loves me. Its all so confusing. Such a huge part of me wants to see him, and much more.

Its humiliating. I hate myself. Every time I fall asleep I hope I don't wake up. I feel like such a disgusting pervert. It's just so hard. For so long I've felt like I don't deserve to be loved. Between ages 14 - 23 I filled the void with massive amounts of promiscuous sex with any man who would have me and craved the acting out of rape fantasies. Now that I'm 27 I barely leave my home. I never see anyone, accept my boyfriend of 5 years who lives with me. I'm scared to go further than my front yard and I hate being seen. I feel like every person who looks at me can see the incestual desire on me like its a billboard nailed to my chest. And I've lost one of my jobs, my main source of income. This is ruining my life.

I have my first appointment with a therapist next week. I'm not looking forward to talking about this to someone face to face but I think (and hope) that it can help in some way. I'm just tired of feeling so disgusting and undeserving of life.

Again, I apologize if I'm doing this wrong, if I used too much detail and if I missed any typos or spelling errors. I hope this makes sense to some of you. A few of you have been very helpful so far and I thank you so much for everything.



-Aiden
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436462 - 06/01/13 04:16 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1530
Loc: New England
Welcome Aiden!

I replied to your post under the Gay/Bi catagory.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#436463 - 06/01/13 04:23 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
welcome.

I'm sorry this happened to you...and I'm sorry the bastard called.

I can relate to you a lot. In fact, reading your words was like been hit by a lightning. Been able to relate to someone is something I find incredibly helpful. I hope it happens to you too.

I had the same situation going on with my dad. It went on until I was 13. I got moved to a safer place and became amnesic. I forgot all that had happened, even my name and who I was although I also had the nightmare thing, which I believed was an invention of my sick, pervert, dirty mind.

I was doing relatively ok in life at 18 but one day he decided to call. It was the beguinning of the end. I don't need to bore you with detailed events but I can tell you he and me ended up in a destructive/intense/insane/sexual/lovely/angry/violent relationship that almost literally killed us and just ended a year ago because I ran away from the country.

I feel you are in that exact moment when I decided to go back and "see" him. Aiden, I can't live without him. it's killing me. It kills me to be with him too, of course. There's no way out of this nightmare. I know, I understand. I love him too, almost as much as I hate him probably. I understand the butterflies... but hear me.. they become blades..

at least, I can tell you you did the right thing coming to this site... and of course, starting therapy. I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you I went down that same road and it leads to hell.

You have all my support, let me know if you ever need a friend.

Dan



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#436465 - 06/01/13 05:10 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Thank you Daniel.

I'm sorry about your experience as well. I'm honestly shocked that there are other people out there with similar experiences. I thought I was alone.

And I feel so lonely, unless I'm talking to him. Having been ignoring him for almost 24 hours now, I feel like I'm dying. It feels like he's under my skin and I love him so much frown Its so confusing.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436471 - 06/01/13 08:15 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1106
Loc: The ATL

Hello Aiden. First of all... You are not a disgusting pervert! IT WAS NOT AND STILL IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You were abused. You were harmed. It is not your fault! The thoughts and feelings and dreams are simply the abuse manifesting itself in your adult life. It is not your fault!

I'm glad you're here and I hope you find the site useful and helpful. Don't worry so much about whether you're using the site wrong. After spending three months posting here I can say that I'm not sure there is really even a right and a wrong way to use it. Just share what you want, when you want, and it should be cool with everybody. Good luck with the therapist. Take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy! Peace,

Ken

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#436472 - 06/01/13 08:20 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Thanks so much, Ken. Several people have given me similarly kind words. I really appreciate it.

In many ways I feel like I'm just as much to blame as my father is. After all, I do love him back...as sickening as it is smirk
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436474 - 06/01/13 08:52 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1106
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Confuzzed

In many ways I feel like I'm just as much to blame as my father is. After all, I do love him back...as sickening as it is smirk


No, you're not as much to blame as he is. You're not to blame at all. You love him because he is your father and your love for him is hard-wired into you. There is nothing sickening about that, at least not on your end. HE was the one who started the abuse. HE was the one who twisted and perverted the relationship. HE was the one who set you up for all of this pain and confusion and shame. If it wasn't for his abusive actions that you had no control over when you were little, you would never have had all of these thoughts and feelings and dreams and fantasies that you find so "sickening." Don't you see? It's all him!!! IT-IS-NOT-YOUR-FAULT!!! Peace,

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (06/01/13 08:53 AM)

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#436477 - 06/01/13 10:14 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: BraveFalcon]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
But he's not ALL bad though. He says some of the sweetest things. He's so nice and understanding and supportive. He tells me constantly how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. And he makes me feel so attractive...he tells me all the time. So he has to really love me at least a little bit, right? And being so sweet and caring is a good thing. When we talk I feel so good. It isn't until the conversation is over that I feel horrible about myself. But it isnt his fault I feel so bad. He's as nice as can be smirk
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436482 - 06/01/13 01:30 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Dear Confuzzed,

Welcome. I hope you find this a safe place to share. I hope you get some of the help you need from therapy.

The issue is not about his being all bad. It is about being used and abused. Based on my experience, the kindness he shows you is a transaction. He acts to endear himself to use you. You have been overwhelmed by the sexual/love confusion imposed on you over 20 years ago.

The idea that it feels so good is natural given your limited experience with true care and affection from your parents. My mother and father both loved me as much as they could. But that did not stop my father from physically abusing me and the other members of the family.

My mother had me naked for her photographer friend at 12, and cared for by her friend who she thought was a latent homosexual. From 13 to 14 he sexually used abused and raped me. I loved her and tried to do anything I could to please her.

To day I know she was a narcisist and trained me to be her narcissitic supply. She manipulated me to believe that only by performing for her did I have any value at all.

The experience of incest, abuse, worthlessness, and self hatred are common among us. Yes, it is his fault and no matter how you deny it and how much he gives you what you need, doesn't change the fact.


We all have different stories and we all are just the same.

Again, welcome.

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#436485 - 06/01/13 03:16 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1106
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Confuzzed
But he's not ALL bad though.


I'm not going to sit here and tell you that your father is pure evil or that he has no good in him whatsoever. I don't know that to be true. Most people, even those that commit CSA, have some good in them somewhere. The nice things he is saying to you don't fix the fact that he sexually abused you and that his sexual abuse of you continues to harm and torment you to this day. It sounds like he's only trying to manipulate you anyway.

The fact of the matter is, he should never have contacted you and it sounds like now he's trying to abuse you some more. He's trying to do the very thing he did that started all this hurt in your life in the first place. I urge you to stay strong and not let him back into your life. In fact, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to serve him with a restraining order so that if he ever tries to contact you again, he goes straight back to jail. He should not be doing this. After what he did, he does not deserve to have you in his life. Peace,

Ken

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#436528 - 06/01/13 11:44 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: genedebs]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: genedebs
Yes, it is his fault and no matter how you deny it and how much he gives you what you need, doesn't change the fact.


That's probably one of the hardest things for me to accept. Like I said, he is so incredible to me now. So caring. And when I think about what he did to me when I was so little...I mean, what kind of man rapes his own infant/toddler soon like that? Its horrible.

The fact that this incredibly sensitive and loving man could do something so terrible to me...it doesn't seem possible. And so I feel like there is just something about me. I justify things and rationalize things in my head for him. Like maybe there was just something about me and he really couldn't help himself. Or that maybe he was just in love with me and didn't actually mean any harm. I feel f-cked up for even thinking these things. The fact that I'm constantly defending him in my mind, and even to some guys I've talked to on here, is ridiculous. idk whats wrong with me. I'm more f-cked up than I could have possibly imagined.

I haven't slept at all in a few days and at this point I have no idea if I'm even talking in complete thoughts. If I don't makes sense, I apologize.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436530 - 06/01/13 11:49 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: BraveFalcon]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: BraveFalcon
It sounds like he's only trying to manipulate you anyway.


It doesn't seem like he's manipulating me though. It seems like he is really cares about me. But I get what you're saying. Its all very confusing for the most part but you make a lot of sense.

I don't think I could do the restraining order thing though. That would hurt him so much if I didn't something like that. I don't want to hurt him. And to risk him going back to jail...I just don't think I could do that to him. I don't want anything bad to happen to him smirk
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436540 - 06/02/13 03:02 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
I joined this site about 4 days ago, so I'm no expert in the topic but I want to convey a perspective that I haven't seen covered yet on this site which I think is a very real and important dimension of the cycles we are caught up in. Its important because in the effort to ascribe 'blame' or 'good' and 'evil' to a person (the perp), we are missing the target, which in this case happens to be an invisible moving one...so its hard to hit. The target is demonic in nature.

Let me start by saying I am a little bit spiritually open. I am aware of the spirit world's existence and have seen how it plays into our motives, actions, emotions, and thoughts. I've seen how demons look in spirit world and I know about their special interest in sexual affairs, because illicit sexual behavior is their best shot at creating a landing pad for themselves on earth. They have been at it, perfecting their poisonous delivery system for millenia and they are experts. So the dad, uncle, older brother...they are puppets of a much more aggressive and powerful masters of darkness and pain.

Any attempt to ascribe full blame to the puppet
is going to come up feeling thin and untenable.

My second point is this ...the fact that there are demonic entities behind the perp is easy to fathom...but in the extended sexual relationship, demons begin to work also through the heart, mind, and body of the victim causing intense longing, fear, lonliness, rage, and addiction.

These two types of demons have been having this long raging dance throughout history, using humans as their puppets.

Even though I'm not this great religious person, I strongly believe in intervention as one piece of the healing puzzle. Extricating ourselves from the puppet strings is sacred work. And for some it can happen instantaneously given the right conditions. We shouldn't rely only on spiritual power to save ourselves, but it is a component that should not be overlooked.

In the end these demons are a sad and bankrupt lot, with no place to call home...so while they are fearsome and corrupt, and experts in the field of sexual manipulation, they are also pitiful and unworthy of our genitals, which represent the hope of God and humanity. The door to our salvation, and theirs, will never open until we learn to say no, once and for all.

Finally, I want to thank the OP for this revealing account, which has helped me gain perspective on the nature of my own deceptive longings, and on the source of my pain and salvation.

I expect that from here on in, the great work of religion/spirituality has to be able to address and uproot this heinous system of human slavery, fully and completely... for the most part it has failed thus far.


Edited by GoldStone (06/02/13 03:07 AM)

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#436545 - 06/02/13 04:00 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1530
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Confuzzed
But he's not ALL bad though. He says some of the sweetest things. He's so nice and understanding and supportive. He tells me constantly how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. And he makes me feel so attractive...he tells me all the time. So he has to really love me at least a little bit, right? And being so sweet and caring is a good thing.....But it isnt his fault I feel so bad. He's as nice as can be

Aiden, forgive me for being forceful and blunt. But if I understand you correctly,
1) This man repeatedly raped you as a toddler.
A man who repeatedly rapes his toddler son does not love him even "a lttle bit".
2) He denies doing so.
A man who has done such a huge wrong to a son that he loves owns up to it, and makes amends for it.
3) You haven't seen or heard from him for 23 years.
A man who loves his son doesn't wait 23 years to tell him so.
4) Your recent contact has only been on the phone and via text messages.
He has no basis for loving you or thinking you are attractive. He hasn't seen you since you were 5 years old. And you do not have enough information about him to judge the sincerity of his statements.
5) His professions of love and caring are laced with sexual inuendo like "Meet me at a hotel and I'll show you how much I love you"
Fathers who really care about their adult children do not attempt to seduce them.
6) You like his attention, but feel disgusted with yourself for it.
Trust your gut. Its telling you there is something wrong here.

I can't be any clearer. DO NOT HAVE CONTACT WITH THIS MAN. He does not love you, does not mean you well, and does not want to offer you the healthy father/son relationship that you missed out on. Do not misunderstand me. You are a lovable, worthy, and valuable young man. You didn't deserve what he did to you 23 years ago, and you don't deserve what he's trying to do now.

Check the National Sex Offender Registry and see if his name is there. Chances are that you were not his only victim. Please don't let your desire for a father's love cause you to be victimized again.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#436546 - 06/02/13 04:12 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Jude]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
I agree 100% with Jude. Jude you could not have put it any more clearer than this. In the book Victims No Longer by mike Lew there a very if not identical story about this kind of sexual abuse. Aiden, I hope all this advice help you get through this difficult and painful time in your life. You can overcome this. i have witness it happen many a times.
_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

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#436547 - 06/02/13 04:14 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Jude]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: Jude
He has no basis for loving you or thinking you are attractive. He hasn't seen you since you were 5 years old.


He's asked for pictures and I've sent them so he's seen me.

But I understand everything you've said. I guess it makes sense. I just must be really stupid because I can't seem to make myself fully believe it. Maybe because I want him to love me...I guess like the way a father normally would? but idk, to be honest.

I can't think of any words that can truly depict how confused and torn I am.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436548 - 06/02/13 04:17 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: GoldStone]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
GoldStone, I understand everything you're saying. I personally am an anti-theist but I still see where you're coming from and you do make a lot of sense.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436549 - 06/02/13 04:47 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Originally Posted By: Confuzzed
GoldStone, I understand everything you're saying. I personally am an anti-theist but I still see where you're coming from and you do make a lot of sense.


Frame it in Jungian way then... in the collective unconscious resides every demon imaginable...(in my case, seeing them face to face, leaves me no doubt that they have a will of their own, but thats beside the point). I don't think we have to be a believer in invisible spirits to know that a fractured human heart has more destructive potential than an atom bomb. I just happened to think that no one's heart acts on its own...there is the force of history and the collective (for good or evil) behind every action and thought.

I was raised (and am at heart) a humanist raised in an atheist home...I see and appreciate the great benefits and the wisdom of this world view. I'm not patronizing anyone when I say that.

EDIT...I'm feeling that my contribution here is tangential to the thread but I can't delete it. Let's not get stuck here.


I wish Jude's post had a like button.


Edited by GoldStone (06/02/13 05:01 AM)

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#436595 - 06/02/13 03:18 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3342
Loc: O Kanada
your story is hard to read.
it does not resemble mine, but it still disturbs me.
on the surface it appears to be the ultimate betrayal.

i can only imagine how hard it was for you to live through this,
and now i can only admire your courage to deal with this openly and honestly.

i pray you find a healthy path through the rest of your life.
please continue to post your thoughts and feelings here.
other survivors will challenge and guide you.

you are not guilty.
you will heal.
you will recover.
you are real.

you have already started.

welcome.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#436619 - 06/02/13 09:36 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
johnb11 Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 10
Loc: Europe
Hi Confuzzed,
'I just must be really stupid because I can't seem to make myself fully believe it. Maybe because I want him to love me...I guess like the way a father normally would? '

You're not stupid, its normal. Give time for yourself to believe it. Already your attitude is changing from your early posts. Let your therapy do its work too on that. be patient with your self. Altho' my father didnt abuse me I crave his affection and proof of his acceptance of me. He blamed me for my abuse as an 11 y.o. when I told him recently. I HAD to walk away with my back straight,knowing he didnt have the capacity, i didnt really have a father,I wouldnt get what I wanted from him. I would have to get approval, encouragement, fatherly love elsewhere. Its possible.
_________________________
To my brothers here, and to remind me:
I am NOT alone.
I was NOT responsible
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=...e=1&theater

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