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#436458 - 06/01/13 03:53 AM New here. Here goes...
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
My name is Aiden and I'm new to this. I'm having a tough time figuring everything out on this site. Hopefully I'm doing everything right. If I'm not, I apologize. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed at times.

I'm terrified and extremely confused. I would cherish any possible advice, input and opinions. Sorry if there is too much detail...thats just how I've always told stories (I'm a writer...although I only write car reviews...a writer nevertheless lol). But I think maybe the term ***TRIGGER*** might apply to this? I'm not sure, I'm sorry. Just proceed with caution...some of this may be considered graphic, I guess.

I'll start at the beginning...
My biological father raped and molested me (allegedly up to 2,600 separate occasions) before my 5th birthday. My mother was absent during that time. She had gone into the military shortly after I was born and was stationed overseas. I stayed exclusively with my father. One day my grandmother came to see me. My father wasn't home and I was being watched by a babysitter whom my Granny sent home so she could spend time with me. She found bruises on my arms and a large bruise that resembled a hand on my back. And when she tried talking to me about it (4 years old at the time) I started crying and screaming saying that my dad would get taken away. She took me to the doctor and DNA evidence was found inside me that was proof my father that had been raping me. He was put in prison for 11 years.

Growing up, starting almost immediately after he was sent to prison, my nights were plagued with nightmares of being beaten up by my father. It wasn't until I was 11 or 12 that I realized I wasn't being beaten up, I was being raped. It was horrifying and even more horrifying once I realized it wasn't just violence but sexual violence. Although, I had no conscious memories of what he had done to me.

When I was 14 years old the nightmares slowly subsided and were replaced with very pleasurable and oddly comforting dreams of consensual sexual encounters with my father. After a few weeks of constant dreaming, which I greatly enjoyed on many levels, I suddenly began to think about how disturbing and disgusting the dreams were. I started feeling really dirty and scared. I didn't want to dream them anymore but I couldn't stop. So I stopped sleeping. I stayed awake for 9 consecutive days and ended up having to be hospitalized where they induced sleep. After that, the dreams became rather rare. I could handle the occasional dream. It wasn't overwhelming and I didn't feel as disgusting since it wasn't happening nightly.

Six months ago, out of the blue, my father contacted me. He had been given my phone number by my uncle (his brother). I was terrified. I had been suppressing everything as best as I could for such a long time. After all, honestly dealing with things is so much harder than pretending there is no problem. We slowly started talking over the phone and in texts but to date I have been far too scared to meet him in person. He has denied the fact that he ever sexually abused me (which, if you recall, was medically proven). I accepted his denial and we proceeded to fall into this sick relationship that quickly progressed from a seemingly father/son bond to a very strong romantic/sexual love.

Now I'm bombarded by never-ending thoughts of him both romantic and sexual. I've never wanted someone so badly in my entire life. And this love I feel, this IN-love feeling, feels so real. That butterfly-in-the-tummy feeling that normally accompanies a healthy love or crush is there every time I see his name pop up on my phone. I can't help but smile when I read his texts, which are so loving and supportive (two things I've always craved but were always without). Nothing has ever felt so real and so right, while feeling so deceptive and so wrong. My life has become a nightmare of confliction and I never knew it was possible to feel so lost.

Now he is beginning to be more and more apparent with his intentions. Especially today as he has been emailing me, texting me, and leaving voicemails...none of which I have responded to, even though I'm dying to. He was trying to talk me into meeting him at a hotel. I justified the suggestion because I suffer from extreme anxiety in social settings. He said it would give us privacy to talk and relax, have a few drinks and just spend time bonding. He has since hinted that we would "have a lot of fun" there and he would "show" me how much he loves me. Its all so confusing. Such a huge part of me wants to see him, and much more.

Its humiliating. I hate myself. Every time I fall asleep I hope I don't wake up. I feel like such a disgusting pervert. It's just so hard. For so long I've felt like I don't deserve to be loved. Between ages 14 - 23 I filled the void with massive amounts of promiscuous sex with any man who would have me and craved the acting out of rape fantasies. Now that I'm 27 I barely leave my home. I never see anyone, accept my boyfriend of 5 years who lives with me. I'm scared to go further than my front yard and I hate being seen. I feel like every person who looks at me can see the incestual desire on me like its a billboard nailed to my chest. And I've lost one of my jobs, my main source of income. This is ruining my life.

I have my first appointment with a therapist next week. I'm not looking forward to talking about this to someone face to face but I think (and hope) that it can help in some way. I'm just tired of feeling so disgusting and undeserving of life.

Again, I apologize if I'm doing this wrong, if I used too much detail and if I missed any typos or spelling errors. I hope this makes sense to some of you. A few of you have been very helpful so far and I thank you so much for everything.



-Aiden
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436462 - 06/01/13 04:16 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Welcome Aiden!

I replied to your post under the Gay/Bi catagory.

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#436463 - 06/01/13 04:23 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
welcome.

I'm sorry this happened to you...and I'm sorry the bastard called.

I can relate to you a lot. In fact, reading your words was like been hit by a lightning. Been able to relate to someone is something I find incredibly helpful. I hope it happens to you too.

I had the same situation going on with my dad. It went on until I was 13. I got moved to a safer place and became amnesic. I forgot all that had happened, even my name and who I was although I also had the nightmare thing, which I believed was an invention of my sick, pervert, dirty mind.

I was doing relatively ok in life at 18 but one day he decided to call. It was the beguinning of the end. I don't need to bore you with detailed events but I can tell you he and me ended up in a destructive/intense/insane/sexual/lovely/angry/violent relationship that almost literally killed us and just ended a year ago because I ran away from the country.

I feel you are in that exact moment when I decided to go back and "see" him. Aiden, I can't live without him. it's killing me. It kills me to be with him too, of course. There's no way out of this nightmare. I know, I understand. I love him too, almost as much as I hate him probably. I understand the butterflies... but hear me.. they become blades..

at least, I can tell you you did the right thing coming to this site... and of course, starting therapy. I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you I went down that same road and it leads to hell.

You have all my support, let me know if you ever need a friend.

Dan



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#436465 - 06/01/13 05:10 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Thank you Daniel.

I'm sorry about your experience as well. I'm honestly shocked that there are other people out there with similar experiences. I thought I was alone.

And I feel so lonely, unless I'm talking to him. Having been ignoring him for almost 24 hours now, I feel like I'm dying. It feels like he's under my skin and I love him so much frown Its so confusing.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436471 - 06/01/13 08:15 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1049
Loc: The ATL

Hello Aiden. First of all... You are not a disgusting pervert! IT WAS NOT AND STILL IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You were abused. You were harmed. It is not your fault! The thoughts and feelings and dreams are simply the abuse manifesting itself in your adult life. It is not your fault!

I'm glad you're here and I hope you find the site useful and helpful. Don't worry so much about whether you're using the site wrong. After spending three months posting here I can say that I'm not sure there is really even a right and a wrong way to use it. Just share what you want, when you want, and it should be cool with everybody. Good luck with the therapist. Take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy! Peace,

Ken

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#436472 - 06/01/13 08:20 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Thanks so much, Ken. Several people have given me similarly kind words. I really appreciate it.

In many ways I feel like I'm just as much to blame as my father is. After all, I do love him back...as sickening as it is smirk
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436474 - 06/01/13 08:52 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1049
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Confuzzed

In many ways I feel like I'm just as much to blame as my father is. After all, I do love him back...as sickening as it is smirk


No, you're not as much to blame as he is. You're not to blame at all. You love him because he is your father and your love for him is hard-wired into you. There is nothing sickening about that, at least not on your end. HE was the one who started the abuse. HE was the one who twisted and perverted the relationship. HE was the one who set you up for all of this pain and confusion and shame. If it wasn't for his abusive actions that you had no control over when you were little, you would never have had all of these thoughts and feelings and dreams and fantasies that you find so "sickening." Don't you see? It's all him!!! IT-IS-NOT-YOUR-FAULT!!! Peace,

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (06/01/13 08:53 AM)

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#436477 - 06/01/13 10:14 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: BraveFalcon]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
But he's not ALL bad though. He says some of the sweetest things. He's so nice and understanding and supportive. He tells me constantly how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. And he makes me feel so attractive...he tells me all the time. So he has to really love me at least a little bit, right? And being so sweet and caring is a good thing. When we talk I feel so good. It isn't until the conversation is over that I feel horrible about myself. But it isnt his fault I feel so bad. He's as nice as can be smirk
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436482 - 06/01/13 01:30 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 264
Loc: MO
Dear Confuzzed,

Welcome. I hope you find this a safe place to share. I hope you get some of the help you need from therapy.

The issue is not about his being all bad. It is about being used and abused. Based on my experience, the kindness he shows you is a transaction. He acts to endear himself to use you. You have been overwhelmed by the sexual/love confusion imposed on you over 20 years ago.

The idea that it feels so good is natural given your limited experience with true care and affection from your parents. My mother and father both loved me as much as they could. But that did not stop my father from physically abusing me and the other members of the family.

My mother had me naked for her photographer friend at 12, and cared for by her friend who she thought was a latent homosexual. From 13 to 14 he sexually used abused and raped me. I loved her and tried to do anything I could to please her.

To day I know she was a narcisist and trained me to be her narcissitic supply. She manipulated me to believe that only by performing for her did I have any value at all.

The experience of incest, abuse, worthlessness, and self hatred are common among us. Yes, it is his fault and no matter how you deny it and how much he gives you what you need, doesn't change the fact.


We all have different stories and we all are just the same.

Again, welcome.

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#436485 - 06/01/13 03:16 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1049
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Confuzzed
But he's not ALL bad though.


I'm not going to sit here and tell you that your father is pure evil or that he has no good in him whatsoever. I don't know that to be true. Most people, even those that commit CSA, have some good in them somewhere. The nice things he is saying to you don't fix the fact that he sexually abused you and that his sexual abuse of you continues to harm and torment you to this day. It sounds like he's only trying to manipulate you anyway.

The fact of the matter is, he should never have contacted you and it sounds like now he's trying to abuse you some more. He's trying to do the very thing he did that started all this hurt in your life in the first place. I urge you to stay strong and not let him back into your life. In fact, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to serve him with a restraining order so that if he ever tries to contact you again, he goes straight back to jail. He should not be doing this. After what he did, he does not deserve to have you in his life. Peace,

Ken

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