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#436457 - 06/01/13 03:27 AM New here. Here goes...
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
My name is Aiden and I'm new to this. I'm having a tough time figuring everything out on this site. Hopefully I'm doing everything right. If I'm not, I apologize. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed at times.

I'm terrified and extremely confused. I would cherish any possible advice, input and opinions. Sorry if there is too much detail...thats just how I've always told stories (I'm a writer...although I only write car reviews...a writer nevertheless lol). But I think maybe the term ***TRIGGER*** might apply to this? I'm not sure, I'm sorry. Just proceed with caution...some of this may be considered graphic, I guess.

I'll start at the beginning...
My biological father raped and molested me (allegedly up to 2,600 separate occasions) before my 5th birthday. My mother was absent during that time. She had gone into the military shortly after I was born and was stationed overseas. I stayed exclusively with my father. One day my grandmother came to see me. My father wasn't home and I was being watched by a babysitter whom my Granny sent home so she could spend time with me. She found bruises on my arms and a large bruise that resembled a hand on my back. And when she tried talking to me about it (4 years old at the time) I started crying and screaming saying that my dad would get taken away. She took me to the doctor and DNA evidence was found that it was my father that had been raping me. He was put in prison for 11 years.

Growing up, starting almost immediately after he was sent to prison, my nights were plagued with nightmares of being beaten up by my father. It wasn't until I was 11 or 12 that I realized I wasn't being beaten up, I was being raped. It was horrifying and even more horrifying once I realized it wasn't just violence but sexual violence. Although, I had no conscious memories of what he had done to me.

When I was 14 years old the nightmares slowly subsided and were replaced with very pleasurable and oddly comforting dreams of consensual sexual encounters with my father. After a few weeks of constant dreaming, which I greatly enjoyed on many levels, I suddenly began to think about how disturbing and disgusting the dreams were. I started feeling really dirty and scared. I didn't want to dream them anymore but I couldn't stop. So I stopped sleeping. I stayed awake for 9 consecutive days and ended up having to be hospitalized where they induced sleep. After that, the dreams became rather rare. I could handle the occasional dream. It wasn't overwhelming and I didn't feel as disgusting since it wasn't happening nightly.

Six months ago, out of the blue, my father contacted me. He had been given my phone number by my uncle (his brother). I was terrified. I had been suppressing everything as best as I could for such a long time. After all, honestly dealing with things is so much harder than pretending there is no problem. We slowly started talking over the phone and in texts but to date I have been far too scared to meet him in person. He has denied the fact that he ever sexually abused me (which, if you recall, was medically proven). I accepted his denial and we proceeded to fall into this sick relationship that quickly progressed from a seemingly father/son bond to a very strong romantic/sexual love.

Now I'm bombarded by never-ending thoughts of him both romantic and sexual. I've never wanted someone so badly in my entire life. And this love I feel, this IN-love feeling, feels so real. That butterfly-in-the-tummy feeling that normally accompanies a healthy love or crush is there every time I see his name pop up on my phone. I can't help but smile when I read his texts, which are so loving and supportive (two things I've always craved but were always without). Nothing has ever felt so real and so right, while feeling so deceptive and so wrong. My life has become a nightmare of confliction and I never knew it was possible to feel so lost.

Now he is beginning to be more and more apparent with his intentions. Especially today as he has been emailing me, texting me, and leaving voicemails...none of which I have responded to, even though I'm dying to. He was trying to talk me into meeting him at a hotel. I justified the suggestion because I suffer from extreme anxiety in social settings. He said it would give us privacy to talk and relax, have a few drinks and just spend time bonding. He has since hinted that we would "have a lot of fun" there and he would "show" me how much he loves me. Its all so confusing. Such a huge part of me wants to see him, and much more.

Its humiliating. I hate myself. Every time I fall asleep I hope I don't wake up. I feel like such a disgusting pervert. It's just so hard. For so long I've felt like I don't deserve to be loved. Between ages 14 - 23 I filled the void with massive amounts of promiscuous sex with any man who would have me and craved the acting out of rape fantasies. Now that I'm 27 I barely leave my home. I never see anyone, accept my boyfriend of 5 years who lives with me. I'm scared to go further than my front yard and I hate being seen. I feel like every person who looks at me can see the incestual desire on me like its a billboard nailed to my chest. And I've lost one of my jobs, my main source of income. This is ruining my life.

I have my first appointment with a therapist next week. I'm not looking forward to talking about this to someone face to face but I think (and hope) that it can help in some way. I'm just tired of feeling so disgusting and undeserving of life.

Again, I apologize if I'm doing this wrong, if I used too much detail and if I missed any typos or spelling errors. I hope this makes sense to some of you. A few of you have been very helpful so far and I thank you so much for everything.





Edited by Confuzzed (06/09/13 08:54 AM)
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436461 - 06/01/13 04:15 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Confuzzed
I accepted his denial and we proceeded to fall into this sick relationship that quickly progressed from a seemingly father/son bond to a very strong romantic/sexual love.

Welcome Aiden,

It took alot of courage to share your story, and don't worry you did everything all right, so no need for apologies. I make no judgements about what you are feeling. You've made another good move in making plans to see a therapist. You have a lot to sort out. Hopefully he/she will be able to help you work through this confusion.

In the meantime, I urge you not to allow yourself to be alone with this man. This is just my opinion, but it seems clear that after his not trying to contact you for 23 years, denying having ever molested you, and now making leading and suggestive comments, he does not mean you well.

I sense from your post that you know that "romantic/sexual love" between father and son is not appropriate on any level. I hope you will follow your better instincts, and stay away from him.

You have all our support here at MS, so don't hesitate to post or PM somebody when your're feeling upset, confused, or just need to get something off your chest. Chances are someone else here has experienced something similar and can be of some help.

Keep yourself safe. Recovery from childhood sexual abuse is a difficult and painful process, but you deserve a better life and it is within your reach.

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#436466 - 06/01/13 05:19 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Jude]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Thank you so much for your supportive words, Jude.

I hope I can be as strong as I know I need to be to make sure this goes no further. I'm terrified that I wont be strong enough but I'm trying as hard as I can.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436470 - 06/01/13 08:05 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 405
Loc: Canada
Hi Confuzzed ...

Welcome to MS.

I echo Jude's wise advice. Do not meet this man ... not alone ... and not before your first visit with your T.
Talking to a professional is a huge step ... frightening no doubt ... but absolutely necessary.
You simply cannot handle this situation alone ... whether or not you ever decide to meet this man.
Doing this is more than courageous ... and you should be proud of yourself for having the strength to do it.

You will find so many great people here.
I have been here 6 months and have come to know dozens of men on a deep and reassuring level,
and have made a few friends with guys who have become the closest non-sexual relationships I have ever had with a man.
My only regret about coming here is that I didn't find it years ago.

Don't be afraid of your T. He/She has absolutely nothing invested in the time he/she will spend with you other than to help you.

I share a somewhat similar story age wise ... it is NOT unusual to have the feelings you are having towards your abuser.
You will note I have used the terms 'this man' and 'your abuser'.
He has no right to be called your Father ... but it is an inescapable fact that he is.
He was not who he should have been.
What he is now is what you choose him to be.

Be brave.
Be who you are ... a good person.

Sharky
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#436478 - 06/01/13 10:25 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Shyshark]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Thank you Sharky.

It's really confusing because i feel like nobody understands that he isn't all bad. He's so nice to me. He says the SWEETEST things. So comforting, reassuring and supportive. He's one of the most positive influences in my life. But then when we aren't actively talking I have the time to think about all of this and I sink into this deep dark and lonely place where I just feel dirty and unworthy of...anything good. But then he texts me or calls me and I'm thrown back into this exciting love filled moment.

I know it sounds really stupid but I'm torn almost directly down the middle. Part of me wants to just let go and love him freely and finally pursue a romantic relationship with him and defend him from anyone saying he is a bad man (no offense, honestly) and then part of me agrees with everything people say about him being a heartless and sick abuser and I am sickened by hi and myself for allowing this to happen. Its so confusing. On the one hand he makes me feel so happy and so love, which I've always wanted but nobody has ever truly loved me. And then on the other hand he makes me feel like a piece of trash.

I hope this is making sense smirk
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436498 - 06/01/13 06:48 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 431
Loc: UK
Welcome Aiden I feel I instinctively know how you feel and you are making perfect sense.
My father was the main abuser for me and it started very young I was very bonded to the abuse. I know the strength of that awful bond, itís a poisoned and foul love but the only one we knew. My father was not all bad either but for my own sanity and healing I only spoke to him once in the last 25 years of his life.
I think it is the abused child in you that is driving your feelings here, he did not want his only carer taken away, for a child abandonment feels worse than abuse, that hurt child still wants his father back, he will do anything for that. These feelings are very powerful and they are drawing you back into the abuse in the vain hope that love could be found there. The adult romantic sexual feelings are how you are experiencing that desperate child need. It is sad but a father like mine or yours can never fulfil that need.
Another thing that maybe true is that these Ďromantic warmí feelings are an escape from your present life and difficulties and feel all the more acceptable due to that.
I agree with the other guys that to see him now would only do you harm. I am not thinking about it being socially unacceptable it is just that it would harm you because there is no way you would get what you need from him, there is no happy ending with him ever!. Itís your choice and I know that the pull must be very strong, I do hope that you manage to resist it.
Going to therapy would be a great step, therapy is not easy but living with this crap is a lot worse.
Whatever you do you will find common ground here. I havenít been here in years but the site was very helpful to me before.

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#436513 - 06/01/13 10:14 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
bey Offline


Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 178
Loc: canada
Hi Aiden,

My father was also one of my main abusers, and it also started when I was very young. I have no memory of a time "before".
I just wanted to add to what others are saying that what you are feeling, the feelings of attraction and desire and such are totally normal. And probably pretty common. My parents are no longer living, but I often still wish they were here and struggle with fantasy and recreating abuse. If they were still alive I would most definetly be struggling with the same fear and desire as you. I was taught from birth that love is sexual acts. I was severely physically abused and learned to control my safety using sex as a bargaining tool when I was very small. I do fantasize about my parents still. I do often wish I could go back there. And I am so fucking glad I don't have that option.
What you are feeling is normal and ok and means that you are a normal person dealing with a very abnormal situation. But it is not healthy to follow through on these feelings, and it is important to talk to a therapist so you can deal with them in a healthy way. It isn't easy, but it is worth it.
Take care of yourself, you deserve a happy and healthy life. Don't allow people into your life who threaten your happiness or safety.
Thinking of you,
Ben
_________________________
Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight
Got to kick at the darkness 'till it bleeds daylight

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#436523 - 06/01/13 11:11 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: bey]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: bey
What you are feeling is normal and ok and means that you are a normal person dealing with a very abnormal situation.


For some reason nothing has been more comforting than those words. I have spent so much of my life feeling abnormal. I've always been so afraid to let anyone in because I felt like they would know I was a freak or something. My father has literally effected every aspect of my life and every single relationship I've ever had...from just friends, to cousins, to romantic relationships. And I've always actually related to every man in a sexual or romantic way, even though most of them never knew that. Its like its hardwired into me... this desire to be loved is entwined with sexual desire. Even just friend love or love for other family members. Its all always riddled with sexual undertones for me. And I feel ridiculous for how I feel and how I want my dad so badly because when I stop to think about it I know he has ruined my life. But I've never felt normal until you said what you did, the way you did. So thank you so much, Ben.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436524 - 06/01/13 11:16 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Rustam]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: Rustam
I think it is the abused child in you that is driving your feelings here, he did not want his only carer taken away, for a child abandonment feels worse than abuse, that hurt child still wants his father back, he will do anything for that. These feelings are very powerful and they are drawing you back into the abuse in the vain hope that love could be found there.


I don't know if anything has ever made more sense to me. It feels good knowing there are people who understand what I've been through and know my struggle. What you say really does make sense. I am just going to have to keep reminding myself of these truths, though. Its so easy for me to put my guard down, especially with my dad. The longing for him is the most powerful thing I've ever felt. Hopefully the therapist will be able to help me but you guys have been so valuable to me so far. Thank you so much.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436596 - 06/02/13 03:30 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2972
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: Rustam
for a child abandonment feels worse than abuse


that is PURE GOLD.

those words explain my confusing actions as a child.

i never really looked at it that way before,
but everything i did makes sense now.
thank you for the insight, Rustam.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#436646 - 06/03/13 05:24 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
because you are stepping up and taking responsibility for the situation he's actually now your child not your father anymore. if you love your child, you want to keep them away from the person who makes them do bad things and that person is you. For his sake stay away from him.

Charting our course in life with Unselfishness And parental love, choosing that which benefits others and the whole, is the best way to plant your feet on a path of manhood. The whole universe, heaven, will conspire to support your decision. and you will have the strength to bare the consequences.



Edited by GoldStone (06/03/13 05:31 AM)

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#436702 - 06/03/13 04:57 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hey confuzzed,

My first abuser was also my father and I understand how you feel. I had sexual feelings for my dad in my late teen years. When my father abandoned the family, I cried and cried for years. It was worse for me than the abuse - at that time.

Having worked my own sexual recovery in a 12 step program, I was able to slowly reverse my perception of the past and my feelings of the present. Now I am deeply grateful that my father was absent for a large part of my life. I began to feel rage and resentment towards him as my perpetrator. These are the emotions I now deal with as memories arise.

I no longer have any contact with my dad. I have not seen him nor spoken to him for almost a year. He severed the father/son bond when he sexually assaulted me. The bond I felt all those years later was for me a false and distorted one.

I am glad you found this site. You strike me as a man with a sincere, open heart and it shows.

Take care,
Mac

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#436706 - 06/03/13 05:19 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:58 PM)

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#436948 - 06/05/13 11:55 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 385
Loc: west coast
There is a lot of pain and discordance in what you have shared. As a child the first need is to feel safe, a place where the monsters won't get you. The child has no way of coping if the monster is the same as the nurturer. All hell breaks loose.

You need to know there is no need for hyperboly here. Your story has many tragic events related, if there was DNA evidence then its air tight. Having said that your math reveals you were abused and molested more than once a day before age 5. Allegedly?

You say you screamed your daddy would be taken away. It is remarkable that a 5 year old would have such working knowledge of the law. Staying awake for 9 days is incredibly unlikely for a teenager. Physiologically its so unlikely , I think the record is 11 days and even that is called into question because of the microsleeping people do.

Somehow the conversation turns sexual almost instantly where he is concerned. If he denied the molestation in one breath, why come onto to you in the next. Then you say you accept his denial that there was sexual contact and we proceeded to fall into this sick relationship that quickly progressed from a seemingly father/son bond to a very strong romantic/sexual love.

What's so confusing is both how you say you feel and a real sense that calls into question whether your story is really real. I have read some of your other posts and it only furthers that suspicion. The story of him doing a 4 hour trip in 3. The $5 note which would leave evidence of the abuse which you say he denied and you accepted. I cant say if this story is not real, because I have met and befriended many men who have suffered from the effects of a sexual relationship with parents. Its very strange how you YADA YADA shit:
- he denied it, yada yada I accepted that
- he said there was no sex , yada yada we had sex
- he wasn't around, yada yada he was a great influence in my life

I don't doubt this could have happened. One of my buddies mother tried to coerce him into sex when she was near death. So it does happen. Maybe like one of the things we talked about in group how CSA survivors have learned the art of lying as a tool for protection. So maybe there is a kernel of truth and the rest is embellishment, aka 2,600 times ( counted by who, confirmed by who, admitted by who?) DNA evidence, well that is irrefutable. The rest of the prose reads like a film noir.

I am going to apologize ahead of time if I am wrong but something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Just my humble opinion.

I hope you are able to find the help and comfort you need.
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#436955 - 06/05/13 01:36 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: 1lifenow]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
there is no need for hyperboly here. Your story has many tragic events related, if there was DNA evidence then its air tight. Having said that your math reveals you were abused and molested more than once a day before age 5. Allegedly?


I have exaggerated nothing. The events from my early childhood are as told to me by family members. I don't remember any of it.

Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
You say you screamed your daddy would be taken away. It is remarkable that a 5 year old would have such working knowledge of the law.


I didn't know myself as a toddler but I suspect I was only averagely intelligent. My grandmother told me that I was afraid my dad would be taken away. According to her, my father told me if I told anyone about what happened he would be taken from me and I'd never see him again. But again, that is just the way it was told to me.

Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
Staying awake for 9 days is incredibly unlikely for a teenager. Physiologically its so unlikely , I think the record is 11 days and even that is called into question because of the microsleeping people do.


This was a long time ago so I can't remember if any few-seconds-at-a-time nodding off happened, although I suppose its entirely possible. I do remember never actually going to sleep though.

Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
Somehow the conversation turns sexual almost instantly where he is concerned. If he denied the molestation in one breath, why come onto to you in the next. Then you say you accept his denial that there was sexual contact and we proceeded to fall into this sick relationship that quickly progressed from a seemingly father/son bond to a very strong romantic/sexual love.


Our relationship was never a typical father/son relationship. I liked to pretend it was, though. I can only speak for me but the way I view my father has for a long time been laced with sexuality. And as far as his thoughts of me, I know he said he loved me and said a lot of fatherly things in addition to flirting that was hard for me to pick up on at first. His advances only recently became more blatant and my acceptance of them is deeply humiliating and regretted.

Also, he didn't deny in one breath and admit in the next and I never said that he did. I said he previously denied it... That denial happened well before the recent encounter. He since has said he didn't mean any harm by the note and only used a $5 because that's all he had in his pocket. He also originally told me he left because he thought I needed to be alone. Later he said he just didn't want to come clean about what happened when I was a child face-to-face but felt that he needed to be honest with me. That is of little importance though since, even though I "accepted" his denial of having abused me, I knew in reality that he did.

Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
What's so confusing is both how you say you feel and a real sense that calls into question whether your story is really real. I have read some of your other posts and it only furthers that suspicion. The story of him doing a 4 hour trip in 3. The $5 note which would leave evidence of the abuse which you say he denied and you accepted. I cant say if this story is not real, because I have met and befriended many men who have suffered from the effects of a sexual relationship with parents. Its very strange how you YADA YADA shit:
- he denied it, yada yada I accepted that
- he said there was no sex , yada yada we had sex
- he wasn't around, yada yada he was a great influence in my life


I yada yada sh*t? I haven't read any of your posts so I'm not sure of your own story and I can't speak for you but for me this wasn't easy. I realize that my writing is probably disjointed and some details are omitted for the sake of keeping the post as short as possible. So perhaps thats why I seem to "yada yada" sh*t.

Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
I don't doubt this could have happened. One of my buddies mother tried to coerce him into sex when she was near death. So it does happen. Maybe like one of the things we talked about in group how CSA survivors have learned the art of lying as a tool for protection. So maybe there is a kernel of truth and the rest is embellishment, aka 2,600 times ( counted by who, confirmed by who, admitted by who?) DNA evidence, well that is irrefutable. The rest of the prose reads like a film noir.

I am going to apologize ahead of time if I am wrong but something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Just my humble opinion.

I hope you are able to find the help and comfort you need.


Since coming to MS I've encountered very kind and supportive people who have made me realize that I'm not alone with my struggles. I've met people who have had remarkably similar experiences and they assured me that everything I was feeling is normal and are helping me to feel like less and less of a freak of nature everyday.

Now I can say I've interacted with someone who reminds me a lot of my father's side of the family. They doubt everything too. They even maintain that he is completely innocent. My mom's side of the family have been called liars and exaggerators for most of my life by his side of the family because of what happened in my early childhood.

This is the first time I've actually tried to talk about these things and I was under the assumption that this was a safe place to do so and I wouldn't be judged. I didn't stop to think that my word would be questioned.

I'm not the type of person who likes attention...one of the reasons I love the idea of anonymity this site offers... but I can't think of why I or anyone else would stretch the truth here on MS. And to think, I've only given tidbits and not the full stories. This feeling I have right now is why I've never tried seeking help or support in the past.

I'll admit, I'm a coward...so I can't really say exactly what I'm thinking and feeling about everything you just said but I appreciate your feedback, I suppose. Thanks, 1lifenow.


Edited by Confuzzed (06/06/13 01:49 AM)
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436957 - 06/05/13 01:41 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: 1lifenow]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
2,600 times ( counted by who, confirmed by who, admitted by who?)


And that number was given to me by my grandmother but can obviously not be proven to be accurate because nobody was there counting every time he did what he did...Thats why I said "allegedly"
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436972 - 06/05/13 03:52 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 431
Loc: UK
1lifenow, you have every right to your doubts but I have to say I feel disappointed that you should share them on here. When I have had doubts about posts here in the past, I didnít respond to the posts it was very rare though. The worst thing we can do to each other is in not to believe a fellow survivor I would prefer to be fooled a thousand times than to express my doubts to a genuine survivor here. My worst fear is not being believed, I had enough of that in childhood. I donít want to go on, but family abusers often silence the child by telling them they would be taken away itís a very effective way to silence a child. I find the confusion in the Confuzzed posts very real, at any rate his posts have jumped out at me and got me in touch with some of my own mess, though I never had an adult relationship with my father. Years ago I knew a guy who used to come to my local gay pub with his dad, he told me they were Ďa coupleí.

Confuzzed, I hope you continue to post as openly as you have, know that I for one do not doubt your truth. Keep sharing your struggles with us.

P.S. Victor-Victim thanks for the feedback, glad the words fitted for you.

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#436985 - 06/05/13 05:22 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Rustam]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 210
Loc: California, USA
I agree with Rustan
_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

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#437243 - 06/07/13 11:56 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: 1lifenow]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""



Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:57 PM)

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#437326 - 06/07/13 07:08 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Guys,

We are here to support one another and the sharing of one's story of abuse is not a easy one. I know my personal story has changed over the years as I go through my own recovery, does that make me a liar?

Confuzzed- Welcome to the site, I am sorry that we had to meet over these terms. I hope that you will see that this site is life changing. I have been here for a long time and seen my self grow and change with the support of the guys here. So much has changed but MS is my rock, my never ending support that keeps me moving forward.

I ask that everyone being respectful of where a fellow survivor is in their recovery process. Everyone responds differently to there abuse and everyone shares different amounts of that abuse on the boards. We are all different, we are all human, and we are all going to live GREAT LIVES!!!!!!

Nathan

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#437461 - 06/08/13 09:04 PM ! [Re: Confuzzed]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:26 PM)

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#437843 - 06/11/13 05:40 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:57 PM)

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#437984 - 06/12/13 08:42 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 385
Loc: west coast
Confuzzed
Aiden

I have to apologize, it was unfair and rash to respond the way I did.

I sometimes forget how mind numbing it was at the start of the realization process, the fact you are here speaks volumes of your character.

I have no doubt this stuff happened to you. What I could have said in a much kinder and respectful way was that you are welcome here and your truth is your truth. What I could have way better said was there is a group of men here who understand what you have been through and are going through. I remember at the start how I would embellish shit when I really didn't need to. Its natural and its normal and I was not really thinking when I pressed "submit".

I guess it was only after about a year in T and group that guys may have challenged me on some of the ideas I held. So I had to really think about it, and ultimately I understood that until I truly felt safe that I could tell it as it was. Not how my brain played it out like a movie script, that was my own shit getting in the way of my response, and again, I was out of line. I don't usually get triggered anymore, and I know in hind sight that is exactly what happened.

When you have been able to get some perspective and help to gain trust , the feeling of safety will allow for easier expression of how you are feeling. I am a "just the facts ma'am" kind of guy, others are way more eloquent and expressive.

Your story is yours to share it as you will, I had no right to editorialize and try suggest you edit it. Just know we have all shared a past that although not the same, has many similarities. Its like my buddy Joe said. We have a short hand, a dialogue, an experience that allows for a sort of understood language unlike talking to people who cannot possible relate.

I will try again. Welcome Aiden, I truly wish you healing and support in your path.

My initial response was sharp and immature and I retract it, sorry.


Grant
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#438085 - 06/13/13 05:48 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: 1lifenow]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:57 PM)

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