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#436457 - 06/01/13 03:27 AM New here. Here goes...
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
My name is Aiden and I'm new to this. I'm having a tough time figuring everything out on this site. Hopefully I'm doing everything right. If I'm not, I apologize. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed at times.

I'm terrified and extremely confused. I would cherish any possible advice, input and opinions. Sorry if there is too much detail...thats just how I've always told stories (I'm a writer...although I only write car reviews...a writer nevertheless lol). But I think maybe the term ***TRIGGER*** might apply to this? I'm not sure, I'm sorry. Just proceed with caution...some of this may be considered graphic, I guess.

I'll start at the beginning...
My biological father raped and molested me (allegedly up to 2,600 separate occasions) before my 5th birthday. My mother was absent during that time. She had gone into the military shortly after I was born and was stationed overseas. I stayed exclusively with my father. One day my grandmother came to see me. My father wasn't home and I was being watched by a babysitter whom my Granny sent home so she could spend time with me. She found bruises on my arms and a large bruise that resembled a hand on my back. And when she tried talking to me about it (4 years old at the time) I started crying and screaming saying that my dad would get taken away. She took me to the doctor and DNA evidence was found that it was my father that had been raping me. He was put in prison for 11 years.

Growing up, starting almost immediately after he was sent to prison, my nights were plagued with nightmares of being beaten up by my father. It wasn't until I was 11 or 12 that I realized I wasn't being beaten up, I was being raped. It was horrifying and even more horrifying once I realized it wasn't just violence but sexual violence. Although, I had no conscious memories of what he had done to me.

When I was 14 years old the nightmares slowly subsided and were replaced with very pleasurable and oddly comforting dreams of consensual sexual encounters with my father. After a few weeks of constant dreaming, which I greatly enjoyed on many levels, I suddenly began to think about how disturbing and disgusting the dreams were. I started feeling really dirty and scared. I didn't want to dream them anymore but I couldn't stop. So I stopped sleeping. I stayed awake for 9 consecutive days and ended up having to be hospitalized where they induced sleep. After that, the dreams became rather rare. I could handle the occasional dream. It wasn't overwhelming and I didn't feel as disgusting since it wasn't happening nightly.

Six months ago, out of the blue, my father contacted me. He had been given my phone number by my uncle (his brother). I was terrified. I had been suppressing everything as best as I could for such a long time. After all, honestly dealing with things is so much harder than pretending there is no problem. We slowly started talking over the phone and in texts but to date I have been far too scared to meet him in person. He has denied the fact that he ever sexually abused me (which, if you recall, was medically proven). I accepted his denial and we proceeded to fall into this sick relationship that quickly progressed from a seemingly father/son bond to a very strong romantic/sexual love.

Now I'm bombarded by never-ending thoughts of him both romantic and sexual. I've never wanted someone so badly in my entire life. And this love I feel, this IN-love feeling, feels so real. That butterfly-in-the-tummy feeling that normally accompanies a healthy love or crush is there every time I see his name pop up on my phone. I can't help but smile when I read his texts, which are so loving and supportive (two things I've always craved but were always without). Nothing has ever felt so real and so right, while feeling so deceptive and so wrong. My life has become a nightmare of confliction and I never knew it was possible to feel so lost.

Now he is beginning to be more and more apparent with his intentions. Especially today as he has been emailing me, texting me, and leaving voicemails...none of which I have responded to, even though I'm dying to. He was trying to talk me into meeting him at a hotel. I justified the suggestion because I suffer from extreme anxiety in social settings. He said it would give us privacy to talk and relax, have a few drinks and just spend time bonding. He has since hinted that we would "have a lot of fun" there and he would "show" me how much he loves me. Its all so confusing. Such a huge part of me wants to see him, and much more.

Its humiliating. I hate myself. Every time I fall asleep I hope I don't wake up. I feel like such a disgusting pervert. It's just so hard. For so long I've felt like I don't deserve to be loved. Between ages 14 - 23 I filled the void with massive amounts of promiscuous sex with any man who would have me and craved the acting out of rape fantasies. Now that I'm 27 I barely leave my home. I never see anyone, accept my boyfriend of 5 years who lives with me. I'm scared to go further than my front yard and I hate being seen. I feel like every person who looks at me can see the incestual desire on me like its a billboard nailed to my chest. And I've lost one of my jobs, my main source of income. This is ruining my life.

I have my first appointment with a therapist next week. I'm not looking forward to talking about this to someone face to face but I think (and hope) that it can help in some way. I'm just tired of feeling so disgusting and undeserving of life.

Again, I apologize if I'm doing this wrong, if I used too much detail and if I missed any typos or spelling errors. I hope this makes sense to some of you. A few of you have been very helpful so far and I thank you so much for everything.





Edited by Confuzzed (06/09/13 08:54 AM)
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436461 - 06/01/13 04:15 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1509
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Confuzzed
I accepted his denial and we proceeded to fall into this sick relationship that quickly progressed from a seemingly father/son bond to a very strong romantic/sexual love.

Welcome Aiden,

It took alot of courage to share your story, and don't worry you did everything all right, so no need for apologies. I make no judgements about what you are feeling. You've made another good move in making plans to see a therapist. You have a lot to sort out. Hopefully he/she will be able to help you work through this confusion.

In the meantime, I urge you not to allow yourself to be alone with this man. This is just my opinion, but it seems clear that after his not trying to contact you for 23 years, denying having ever molested you, and now making leading and suggestive comments, he does not mean you well.

I sense from your post that you know that "romantic/sexual love" between father and son is not appropriate on any level. I hope you will follow your better instincts, and stay away from him.

You have all our support here at MS, so don't hesitate to post or PM somebody when your're feeling upset, confused, or just need to get something off your chest. Chances are someone else here has experienced something similar and can be of some help.

Keep yourself safe. Recovery from childhood sexual abuse is a difficult and painful process, but you deserve a better life and it is within your reach.

Jude
_________________________
"I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
Van Halen

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#436466 - 06/01/13 05:19 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Jude]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Thank you so much for your supportive words, Jude.

I hope I can be as strong as I know I need to be to make sure this goes no further. I'm terrified that I wont be strong enough but I'm trying as hard as I can.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436470 - 06/01/13 08:05 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Hi Confuzzed ...

Welcome to MS.

I echo Jude's wise advice. Do not meet this man ... not alone ... and not before your first visit with your T.
Talking to a professional is a huge step ... frightening no doubt ... but absolutely necessary.
You simply cannot handle this situation alone ... whether or not you ever decide to meet this man.
Doing this is more than courageous ... and you should be proud of yourself for having the strength to do it.

You will find so many great people here.
I have been here 6 months and have come to know dozens of men on a deep and reassuring level,
and have made a few friends with guys who have become the closest non-sexual relationships I have ever had with a man.
My only regret about coming here is that I didn't find it years ago.

Don't be afraid of your T. He/She has absolutely nothing invested in the time he/she will spend with you other than to help you.

I share a somewhat similar story age wise ... it is NOT unusual to have the feelings you are having towards your abuser.
You will note I have used the terms 'this man' and 'your abuser'.
He has no right to be called your Father ... but it is an inescapable fact that he is.
He was not who he should have been.
What he is now is what you choose him to be.

Be brave.
Be who you are ... a good person.

Sharky
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#436478 - 06/01/13 10:25 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Shyshark]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Thank you Sharky.

It's really confusing because i feel like nobody understands that he isn't all bad. He's so nice to me. He says the SWEETEST things. So comforting, reassuring and supportive. He's one of the most positive influences in my life. But then when we aren't actively talking I have the time to think about all of this and I sink into this deep dark and lonely place where I just feel dirty and unworthy of...anything good. But then he texts me or calls me and I'm thrown back into this exciting love filled moment.

I know it sounds really stupid but I'm torn almost directly down the middle. Part of me wants to just let go and love him freely and finally pursue a romantic relationship with him and defend him from anyone saying he is a bad man (no offense, honestly) and then part of me agrees with everything people say about him being a heartless and sick abuser and I am sickened by hi and myself for allowing this to happen. Its so confusing. On the one hand he makes me feel so happy and so love, which I've always wanted but nobody has ever truly loved me. And then on the other hand he makes me feel like a piece of trash.

I hope this is making sense smirk
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436498 - 06/01/13 06:48 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
Welcome Aiden I feel I instinctively know how you feel and you are making perfect sense.
My father was the main abuser for me and it started very young I was very bonded to the abuse. I know the strength of that awful bond, itís a poisoned and foul love but the only one we knew. My father was not all bad either but for my own sanity and healing I only spoke to him once in the last 25 years of his life.
I think it is the abused child in you that is driving your feelings here, he did not want his only carer taken away, for a child abandonment feels worse than abuse, that hurt child still wants his father back, he will do anything for that. These feelings are very powerful and they are drawing you back into the abuse in the vain hope that love could be found there. The adult romantic sexual feelings are how you are experiencing that desperate child need. It is sad but a father like mine or yours can never fulfil that need.
Another thing that maybe true is that these Ďromantic warmí feelings are an escape from your present life and difficulties and feel all the more acceptable due to that.
I agree with the other guys that to see him now would only do you harm. I am not thinking about it being socially unacceptable it is just that it would harm you because there is no way you would get what you need from him, there is no happy ending with him ever!. Itís your choice and I know that the pull must be very strong, I do hope that you manage to resist it.
Going to therapy would be a great step, therapy is not easy but living with this crap is a lot worse.
Whatever you do you will find common ground here. I havenít been here in years but the site was very helpful to me before.

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#436513 - 06/01/13 10:14 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
bey Offline


Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 204
Loc: canada
Hi Aiden,

My father was also one of my main abusers, and it also started when I was very young. I have no memory of a time "before".
I just wanted to add to what others are saying that what you are feeling, the feelings of attraction and desire and such are totally normal. And probably pretty common. My parents are no longer living, but I often still wish they were here and struggle with fantasy and recreating abuse. If they were still alive I would most definetly be struggling with the same fear and desire as you. I was taught from birth that love is sexual acts. I was severely physically abused and learned to control my safety using sex as a bargaining tool when I was very small. I do fantasize about my parents still. I do often wish I could go back there. And I am so fucking glad I don't have that option.
What you are feeling is normal and ok and means that you are a normal person dealing with a very abnormal situation. But it is not healthy to follow through on these feelings, and it is important to talk to a therapist so you can deal with them in a healthy way. It isn't easy, but it is worth it.
Take care of yourself, you deserve a happy and healthy life. Don't allow people into your life who threaten your happiness or safety.
Thinking of you,
Ben

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#436523 - 06/01/13 11:11 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: bey]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: bey
What you are feeling is normal and ok and means that you are a normal person dealing with a very abnormal situation.


For some reason nothing has been more comforting than those words. I have spent so much of my life feeling abnormal. I've always been so afraid to let anyone in because I felt like they would know I was a freak or something. My father has literally effected every aspect of my life and every single relationship I've ever had...from just friends, to cousins, to romantic relationships. And I've always actually related to every man in a sexual or romantic way, even though most of them never knew that. Its like its hardwired into me... this desire to be loved is entwined with sexual desire. Even just friend love or love for other family members. Its all always riddled with sexual undertones for me. And I feel ridiculous for how I feel and how I want my dad so badly because when I stop to think about it I know he has ruined my life. But I've never felt normal until you said what you did, the way you did. So thank you so much, Ben.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436524 - 06/01/13 11:16 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Rustam]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: Rustam
I think it is the abused child in you that is driving your feelings here, he did not want his only carer taken away, for a child abandonment feels worse than abuse, that hurt child still wants his father back, he will do anything for that. These feelings are very powerful and they are drawing you back into the abuse in the vain hope that love could be found there.


I don't know if anything has ever made more sense to me. It feels good knowing there are people who understand what I've been through and know my struggle. What you say really does make sense. I am just going to have to keep reminding myself of these truths, though. Its so easy for me to put my guard down, especially with my dad. The longing for him is the most powerful thing I've ever felt. Hopefully the therapist will be able to help me but you guys have been so valuable to me so far. Thank you so much.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436596 - 06/02/13 03:30 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3314
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: Rustam
for a child abandonment feels worse than abuse


that is PURE GOLD.

those words explain my confusing actions as a child.

i never really looked at it that way before,
but everything i did makes sense now.
thank you for the insight, Rustam.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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