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#436409 - 05/31/13 10:51 AM Mom. :(
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
As a 41 year old man, I'm still 'coming to' and realizing how horrifically my mom did with raising me.

It surprised me to try and think back on all the good things my mom purposefully taught me. I could only remember 2. She taught me how to budget, and she made me take typing lessons. I can't remember anything else she taught me.

The fact is - she didn't teach me anything other than those 2. She ignored me. She neglected me. She didn't engage with me as a toddler and didn't challenge me to reach beyond my own means and she didn't guide me through the complex maze of what human relationships evolve to be. She gave me NONE of this.

Great grief strikes me when I realize that I could have been spared the childhood buylling and its after effects. I could have been spared the molestation and sexual abuse by my cousin. If only my mom cared about me like normal parents do.

My mom is to blame for causing the horrible wreckage of my life because of the severe emotional and psychological neglect. But I am responsible to try and fix it. It's taken me 30 agonizing years thus far, most of it clueless and blind. I've received a LOT of help over the years but I've still struggled with basic comprehension.

My mom did not deserve to have me as her child. She has no idea how lucky she is to have had ME - with my disposition. Any other kid would have given her an impossible time and driven her crazy with acting out and misbehaving because of her abuse.

Ugh. It pains me now, to realize this so late in the game. I grew up a mommas boy without a mom. What a grand relationship I could have had if I had a mom who loved and adored me.

Sometimes we have to pay for our parent's mistakes. Seems to be a hard fact of life.

Sigh.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#436440 - 05/31/13 07:08 PM Re: Mom. :( [Re: Magellan]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Well put Magellan. And you know it was/is a very similar situation with me and the Mommybitch.

You brought up a thot I haven't had in a while, too. I could have been much, much worse, acting out by stealing, etc. And I still have moments when I'm incredulous she's incapable of basic human traits like empathy. In particular, however, it really helped ex post facto that my stepsister was able to confirm it in her experience with the Mommybitch...to this day!.

So, too, like so many others in her circle, I made my case to her and just walked away from her craziness.

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#436441 - 05/31/13 07:10 PM Re: Mom. :( [Re: Magellan]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
Magellan

Iam 64. I learned a lot from my mother, but she extracted a high payment. For example, she thought it important to breast feed, however, she explained how she would read while breast feeding so she didn't waste her time.

She had me passing out political literature starting when I was 6 years old, only she called that teaching me civics. When I was six I had lead poisoning reaching my elbow and had to be hospitalized. My mother came to see me in the hospital and explained she loved me, to come and see me, instead of doing something important.

She brought her friends into my life, one who she determined was a latent homosexual, after he had molested and raped me, She asked if I enjoyed being penetrated, I said no it hurt, she said then you are O K. She had a friend take pictures of me while she had me disrobe to being naked, with an erection when I was 12.

It took me 25 years to accept that this was incest, and pornographic photography.

She taught me to read philosophy, and told me how I should have done better regardless of what I did. She taught me I was responsible to protect her from the hospital social worker when she reported her husband's (my father) abuse. She taught me I was responsible to get her pharmacutical grade of amphetamine. She decided it was my responsibility to get her an abortionist when she thought she was pregnant during her menopause.

When I was nine she asked if she should divorce my father. When I said yes but I would stay with my father, she used that as the reason she stayed married to my abusive father until she died, when I was 50 years old.

One of the characteristic of God described in Exodus is that He punishes the transgressions of the father unto the third and fourth generation.

We all have different stories but was all are just the same.

I hope this helps you know you are not alone.

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#436591 - 06/02/13 02:55 PM Re: Mom. :( [Re: Magellan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
No, Magellan. You are not alone. I also was so calm, and so peaceful, and so unobtrusive. And so used and abused and raped. I too should have been and should be now -not such a very positive force in society- but for whatever reason I have spent a lifetime (mine) trying to make a difference for others. We are as they said before me, all the same, but different. Thanks, guy for sharing your some of your story. It helps me to know that others are like me.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#436638 - 06/03/13 02:37 AM Re: Mom. :( [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
The best thing that my mother did was when she would go to Florida for the entire winter (10-11months???) when I was 13. She was the biggest pain in the ass, face, ears, cheeks (top and bottom) back of the head and that was with belts, sticks, shoes, etc, when available. I'm sure that sounds somewhat like a lot of your mothers.

But I think what shows what we all wanted was the dedication page of Dr. Richard Gartner's book "Beyond Betrayal...".

"I dedicate this book to the memory of my parents, Mae and Ben Gartner. Their generosity, love, and the vision ensured that I got the education I needed to write about complex topics. Their confidence, pride, and faith in me made all the difference."

I had told him last week Monday that I started reading his book over again from the beginning. So he asked me how far I got and I told him that I got stuck at the dedication page, for an hour or so. So he asked what struck me about the page. I told him your parents, I didn't have parents I had only a mother and father which didn't amount to shit. I think for a lot of us we wished we could have had real parents not mothers and fathers.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#436772 - 06/04/13 12:10 AM Re: Mom. :( [Re: lapchinj]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I have to join the pack about mothers.

My mother was very narcissistic. The movie, Mommie Dearest brought back many memories. I have watched it twice, crying through most of it.

http://www.fandango.com/movie-trailer/mommiedearest-trailer/529

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x45lhf_mommie-dearest-theatrical-trailer_shortfilms#.Ua1lHZz3Wlc

This is also true for narcissistic fathers. They have a favorite child and sometimes the other child gets all the abuse.

She also had DID (multiple personality disorder). She could be the queen, as in Mommie Dearest or the depressed wretched housewife, who would dissociate when she was doing housework.

People with narcissistic personality disorder always choose a favorite child, who get completely favored treatment, as in Mommie Dearest. The other child gets treated in a very inferior way. Like the prince and the pauper. Sometimes my birthday was forgotten.

I could go on but we'll save that.

Puffer

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#436803 - 06/04/13 07:31 AM Re: Mom. :( [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Hey Puffer,

My mother would never miss my birthday from what I remember. It would be unthought of to miss someone's birthday. She still doesn't. She still requires Mother's day cards and birthday cards and holiday cards. She really didn't give a shit about my birthday but I had to get a card from everyone and I had to show them on the counter for months and every time someone mentions them she would say "Yes I must take them down already" fuck her. No presents just cards. or maybe presents like a shirt or new pair of pants, some handkerchief with my initials. Shit she would buy that kind of shit anyway because I had to look proper when I met her fucken high society guests.

I was also not the favorite child in the family even though I didn't have any siblings smile

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#438362 - 06/16/13 10:45 AM Re: Mom. :( [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
Thanks for all your responses, guys. I've been doing some processing recently, and haven't known what else to say other than my original post.

Suffice it to say, I feel like I'm emotionally reaching back in my life, and trying to re-experience or re-feel my feelings, thoughts, and attitudes I had in life when I was 3 -5 years old - before the abuse I can identify started. While my mom was very neglectful, I was lucky to live in a safe and innocent neighborhood which allowed me to hang out after dark with the other neighborhood kids during summer. I wrote about this in another post, about these memories, and questions.

As a result of this, I feel like the emotional acknowledgment of the damage my mom did to me by her neglect and narcisistic character traits was/is necessary for me to reach back emotionally and find the authentic me before the abuse.

It's weird, because i thought I already met my inner child 2 years ago. But this process of emotionally 'reaching back' to grab the authentic emotions that I had before the abuse started feels important, for some reason.

Curious to see where this will take me. There's a lot more behind what I just said, but I don't want to dribble out a wall of text.

Thanks again for your responses, guy. Each of them have given me insight I otherwise wouldn't have. I am a richer man for it.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#438384 - 06/16/13 05:24 PM ! [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:39 PM)

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