Newest Members
Green_Lantern, Safe11ride, WillWins, neophiliac, Jerone
12118 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
betterdays (29), ChevyMan76 (46), cuda (48), swartzhund (42), wdf9 (70)
Who's Online
4 registered (I Want 2 Thrive, 3 invisible), 73 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12118 Members
73 Forums
62517 Topics
438110 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#436301 - 05/30/13 11:26 AM Why is vulnerability such a bad thing?
IrisHashiba Offline


Registered: 05/16/13
Posts: 10
I'm dating a guy who has experienced ASA, and has not sought help. (We were friends before, so he admitted his ASA to me awhile back.) Because we're only dating and not in a committed relationship, there are certain topics of conversation that I won't bring up until I can feel he trusts me enough.

Anyway, what I notice is he has intimacy issues, which I can see from reading these forums is normal. He's also had his share of heartbreaks and bad experiences with other women. (He has an inferiority complex and insecurities.)

When I sleep over (no sex involved), sometimes he'll willingly embrace me, and intitiate the cuddling. Yet, sometimes he won't even touch me.

So I'l inititate the cuddling, and then he'll pull me in closer. From that, I intrepret that he enjoys the cuddling, but does not always want to inititate it.

What I'm asking is when are you comfortable intitating intimacy, and when are you not? I'm not ready to ask this man what his triggers are, so I'm just trying to read the cues until then.

Also, what are you thinking when vulnerability feels horrible? Are you afraid the person will leave you? Are you afraid the person won't love you anymore?

Top
#436303 - 05/30/13 11:58 AM Re: Why is vulnerability such a bad thing? [Re: IrisHashiba]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 644
Loc: michigan
hi iris
to me vulnerability = danger it was when I was vulnerable that I was caught/ attacked/abused. so it is a huge trigger to feel exposed and vulnerable. I have learned through the years that with my wife, to be vulnerable to a certain extent is OK. she will not intentionally hurt me. as far as the cuddeling goes, for me my earliest abusers were women and so when my wife becomes more too aggressive sexually it is very triggering I love it when she shows interest in me as you described but it is a fine line for me sometimes. there were also guilt feelings early in our relationship that caused problems with intimacy as well. because of the abuse sex can = bad. Maybe not all the time even but just enough to confuse the hell out of everyone.
hope this helps
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

Top
#436306 - 05/30/13 12:30 PM Re: Why is vulnerability such a bad thing? [Re: IrisHashiba]
IrisHashiba Offline


Registered: 05/16/13
Posts: 10
Thank you, Newground. I appreciate your response. As I mentioned before, I'm not this guy's girlfriend yet, so there are certain things I'm waiting to bring up. In the meantime, I frequent these forums in a way to get an idea on what my guy must be thinking and feeling.

When I'm with him, I sense that he doesn't want to let go emotionally because he thinks that the happiness he feels with me is fleeting. I can tell that this man needs more reassurance of my feelings for him more than I'm normally used to giving. Not that I'm not willing to give it. I'm just trying not to cross that fine line that you mentioned.

Top
#436320 - 05/30/13 02:22 PM Re: Why is vulnerability such a bad thing? [Re: IrisHashiba]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 644
Loc: michigan
it is very possible that he feels that way. I have no idea of his story but sometimes on going physical or especially emotional abuse can give that impression and sometimes gifts and such are used as weapons against the child leaving an impression that good things are temporary or something of that nature. hope that you can reach him and help
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

Top
#436324 - 05/30/13 03:26 PM Re: Why is vulnerability such a bad thing? [Re: IrisHashiba]
IrisHashiba Offline


Registered: 05/16/13
Posts: 10
Thanks, Jeff!

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.