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#435644 - 05/24/13 06:35 AM Feeling Vulnerable... is no fun
standingstrong Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 19
Loc: East Coast.. home of the best ...
Hi Guys, so I am a Newbie sort of, been on the site before but because of not so positive experience I left. So here I am again, seeing about others experiences. As it is hard to relate to someone who has not had there life shaken up like a snow globe

Have been with a T for 8 years now and have been doing a lot of work which I notice now it has take sometime but I see the progress. Slowly but surely, honestly it stinks as life is going before my eyes and I am missing out in so much. Part of me wishes things like this didn't hit the press cause before that I feel my life was normal, granted I know I was hiding but still.

In the past few months, I have been making major changes. I am some what okay about my abuse to talk about it in little details. In regards to my abuse I grow up in a love less home with my egg donor(mother) who was physical and verbally abusive, she got pregnant as a teenager and always blamed me for creating a burden for her. Clearly today I see that you alienated me from my father with head games. Unfortunately he passed away young at 41 and I was only 22, he was a teen also when I was born. And, I was so angry with him when he was sick that we didn't have the best relationship when he passed away. I know today he just didn't have the information on how to be a father, nor how to push himself on me to be the father that he should have been to protect me. I have heard from my old cousins nightmares about my childhood that make since today. From being dirty all the time as an infant to other things.

Sexually I have been abused by 3 different men 2 of them where many many times over for years, recently I went to the DA to press charges as I did some research to find him. Which they are in the process of doing,(long story). I recently went to the the Attorney Generals office about another perp, and they are going to forward with that. Working on an article of Male Sexual abuse. I am also a gay male and I now know that I have take on the abuse ownership from manipulation, based on statements that where made on how my body reacted when clearly no child would have any concept of that. I have always been a wall flower which many people are shocked about who know me, they think I am the life of the party. To many's amazement I am single also and have been for years, always married to my career. Which since I have been doing this work my career is in the toilet.

Recently, in the last 30 days I have been taking risks, putting myself out there, about to launch a software company, and have been talking to random guys at the gym. This has made me feel very very vulnerable freaking out inside I just want to crawl in my hole and put my walls back up. This is all too scary, I feel that I am going to be judged again on my sexuality and fail at this new work, it is feels so strange to have someone believe in my business concept, and my business partner really behind this. I know I have always expected the worse, and I am scared it is going to happen all over again. At 42 I know I need to start taking risk so that I can have the fruits of life but it is scary.

Has anyone had something like this happen for them? Cause honestly these body feelings and the whole head thing feeling risky is no fun.

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#435839 - 05/26/13 04:38 AM Re: Feeling Vulnerable... is no fun [Re: standingstrong]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi standingstrong, wow, you wrote about many interesting and insightful things in your post and I must add that yo did a lot in your personal journey, I congratulate you on your courage.
Breaking our isolation is very tough and difficult task. We used to live alone for so long (not literately) so it is not easy to break it.
When we are stepping out of our comfort zone it is easy to feel vulnerable and fragile. So please take care for yourself in first place while you trying it. Don't push yourself if you are not feel good about it. It is terrible important to keep and build our confidence with small steps. I can't expect big and quick changes in my life so sometimes I need to recall to myself that I'm expecting too much, that I need to follow my inner feelings and to be aware of positive changes that I already made.
Keep sharing with us!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#435847 - 05/26/13 08:50 AM Re: Feeling Vulnerable... is no fun [Re: standingstrong]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
I know I have always expected the worse, and I am scared it is going to happen all over again. At 42 I know I need to start taking risk so that I can have the fruits of life but it is scary.

I'm 52 and you are far ahead of me. My life has all been about not taking risks. Being safe. Unfortunately that also makes it pretty empty. I'm trying to change that now. I have started therapy and am scared about the future. Taking risks. The vunerabillity. But like you part of me wants more.

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#436284 - 05/30/13 07:22 AM Re: Feeling Vulnerable... is no fun [Re: standingstrong]
standingstrong Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 19
Loc: East Coast.. home of the best ...
Thanks for the feedback guys, I truly appreciate it!

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