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#436228 - 05/29/13 04:33 PM H continues to deny CSA affects him, blames me
BrighterDays Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 6
Loc: CA
So after reading the past month on MS ways to approach my husband in a non-threatening, constructive manner for him to move forward with getting help with regards to his CSA and the way it is affecting our marriage, not to mention my own self of sense, and I finally did. I was very cautious as to not shame him, embarrass him, etc while doing so - but wanted to let him know this is something on my mind that we need to deal with. His response was part of what I call the 'blame game' - his evasiveness, lack of intimacy, the avoidance dance - it was apparently due to ME! He claimed that since I haven't been forth coming with his fantasies, i.e. anal sex in a manner which I feel demeaned (after researching on the MS site I've learned that these 'fantasies' are actually him reenacting the abuse) as well as other things (he purchased a sex machine for his bday 2 years ago which was for me to use at his discretion - I felt more like a sex slave than wife). When I finally give into what I refer to as him performing anal rape on me, I cry during the process but try to cover my tears, I repeatedly tell myself I hate him, and vow that in order to set a strong example for my daughter I will not allow him to do this to me again.
But back to the night I approached him to get help. He claims he's already sought help for his CSA in the past and has dealt with it. I know he's mentioned it to a couple of T's we've been to in the past, but I don't believe they were trained in dealing with male CSA and did not properly address the issue. He then in turn claims that it is due to my smoking weed (stopped after that just to prove him wrong - I need all the aces I can get to 'prove' him that he plays a role in this, and my weed smoking is to numb me from the pain) and once again, my lack of interest in fulfilling his fantasies.
When I try to get into how it makes me feel when he does these things, he refers to how everyone in porn does it and there are 'so many people out there just like us doing this sort of thing all the time'. I tried explaining that most of the people in porn come from troubled backgrounds including abuse, etc., but he doesn't want to hear that.
He's lost touch with reality of what it's like to connect with someone on a intimate level - he feels the anal sex and demeaning sex IS intimate because according to him, these a things that he would only do with me, his wife. I'm so tired of having to derail all of his excuses.
So yesterday, 2 weeks after I first brought this up to him, I sent him an email saying the following:
"I love you and want you to be happy. I see pain and sadness behind the face even during the happy moments; I've tried to break down the wall in the only ways I know how but see that it's not a battle I can fight for you. I want to be able to take that barrier away so you can feel the entirety of what I have to offer and provide for you, but that's not in my control. I don't want to be a contributor to the problem, so I ask myself what is necessary to be happy. I don't know if I am part of the source of this; I know previous actions of mine have lead us down a path of mistrust and since then I've been determined to live as honestly as I can, for myself, for you, and for our kids. Like I said, I don't know if I am a part of the source of this but I can't continue to question if I am. I don't know if this means you take a break from me to figure all of this out; this isn't what I want but when you love someone you do whatever possible to achieve a better outcome. I love you and please know that my goal is to see you being set free of whatever pain you carry with you, and I'm willing to do my part."
He didn't reply, so I just sent him a follow up email saying "I need a response to the email I sent to you and understand if you are formulating one, but please don't ignore it."
So his reply? (I want to throw this iPad at the wall and scream)....
"I have been really busy and can't keep up. Not delaying getting back to you just did not know what to say....caught me by surprise a bit. You are correct that I'm not in a super. Good mood...which we can talk about again tonight if you would like to...nothing we can't get over...same stuff that was on my mind during our last talk....I guess I don't feel those few requests have been happening and other/same shit still bringing me down."
So again, I feel that he is redirecting all of his feelings at me, and I'm just exhausted at having to go through this song and dance again. Any advice from spouses/partners/survivors as to how to get him to stop pointing the finger at me and for him to take a look in the mirror to see what he's contributing to the problem?

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#436247 - 05/29/13 08:26 PM Re: H continues to deny CSA affects him, blames me [Re: BrighterDays]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I think you need a third party. There is no way that you are going to fix this with just the two of you. No matter what he will not accept that he has any significant issues.

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#436258 - 05/29/13 10:15 PM Re: H continues to deny CSA affects him, blames me [Re: BrighterDays]
Julia Offline


Registered: 11/05/08
Posts: 59
Candu,
Why won't he admit or take any responsibility for any of his issues? Is it because he doesn't really get it or does he see any of her points but just doesn't care so he plays, dumb?

Julia

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#436259 - 05/29/13 10:27 PM Re: H continues to deny CSA affects him, blames me [Re: BrighterDays]
BrighterDays Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 6
Loc: CA
Hi Candu,
Thanks for your reply; I've seen other posts you've made and they are very insightful. Others have spoken about how there are good times with their survivor and I'm questioning what qualifies as being 'good times'? Sure, he's got a great sense of humor (one of his coping mechanisms) so there are laughs, we have 2 amazing kids, and we own a successful business together. But even during those times when we're able to be friends, there is never any intimacy beyond what would be considered friendship.
And when there is some form of hand-holding, or maybe stealing a quick kiss, if its not initiated by me then I know it's part of his master plan to coerce me into living out his sexual fantasies. In no way do I mean this to sound egotistic, but I am a beautiful girl inside and out who would've had the opportunity for many suitors had I not chosen to be with him since I was 17 (now 33). I wonder if I had not pursued him would he have ever come around to me?
I go over in my head all of the times he 'did me wrong', searching CL fishing for women, hooking up w/ some chick at a bar (I found out about this b/c I put a GPS and recorder in his vehicle while they hooked up), he had gotten a pay as you go cell phone I found out about to contact his CL girls (although I don't think he did hook up w/ any of them, I don't know for sure). He's done other numerous distrustful and hurtful acts over the years, but I had never been independent enough to stand on my own and with our lives so intertwined with work, it seemed so difficult to make it on my own.
I love and care about him despite his wrongdoings, I just wonder if he loves me enough to get the help he needs. After I found out about the hook up w/ bar chick, he did seem scared that I would leave him, he mentioned that if it weren't for me he would probably be living alone in some apartment by himself, immersing himself in his work and not living much of a life at all. It's so difficult not to be able to discuss any of this with my girlfriends, they all see us as somewhat of a 'power couple', and I can't let them know the whole story (CSA) w/o betraying his trust.......I just keep hoping for brighter days ahead, whether they be with him or without, although I prefer with.

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#436296 - 05/30/13 09:18 AM Re: H continues to deny CSA affects him, blames me [Re: Julia]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: Julia
Candu,
Why won't he admit or take any responsibility for any of his issues? Is it because he doesn't really get it or does he see any of her points but just doesn't care so he plays, dumb?

Julia

I don't know enough about him or their situation. But it sounds like he is in denial on a number of levels. It doesn't sound like he even wants to consider the other person's point of view. I'm sure there are a number of reasons why he wont take responsibility. And when one reason doesn't fit he will jump to the next one that covers it. He is lying and also lying to himself.

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#436333 - 05/30/13 04:34 PM Re: H continues to deny CSA affects him, blames me [Re: BrighterDays]
BrighterDays Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 6
Loc: CA
Any suggestions of how to break the cycle of denial? I'm hoping for him to get to a place where he would be willing to get help on his own, but we've been together for 16 plus years and I'm at a point where I've matured and I'm ready to put an end to the blame/avoidance, etc.
The fact that he said this is something we can get over in his email makes me feel as though he's minimizing the situation and is only concerned with how it affects him. He probably feels this is just another obstacle in his day. He's so into his own self/world that he's unable to recognize that not everyone feels the same way he does about things, and his reply is, "No, I'm just able to see it from a more logical viewpoint, w/o getting emotional about it". As if emotions and feelings were a bad thing.....

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