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#436132 - 05/28/13 10:24 PM Michael's Intro
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
OK, here goes.

I'm 'Michael'. I'm a 40 something white American from a 'good' family. By good I mean, consciencious, educated, resourceful, and socially and economically responsible. But I had to put it in quotes because there is one thing I think my parents did not get right, and that is sex. I don't think they were exceptionally ignorant about it, but they erred on the side of permissiveness. They were both witnesses of CSA within their immediate families, I expect were 'scared silent' about it.

If I compare to other stories of abuse and parental neglect, I'm not really sure where I might "rank". While both my parents are still accessible to me, I do not engage with either of them very much at this point, even though they are both regarded by their peers as exemplary citizens and friends. Somehow I can't get over the fact that my sexuality exploded onto to the stage in early elementary school, and put me into a frame of mind where I could not be reached, nor could they be reached by me, and where I suppose I gave up on my parents altogether...all the while keeping up the appearance of being an affectionate, engaged, and fun loving child.

My sexual awakening was not forced upon me, but was introduced to me by an older brother and masturbation to climax became our thing from about age 6. A couple years later I initiated more passionate contact with a same age male cousin. There was never penetration in either case...but a kind of simulated frot and kissing. That continued up through high school a few times a year.

I know that for some readers, I might not qualify as an abuse survivor, but I do believe that this behavior is abhorrant and disorienting...even if not perpetrated directly by an adult. So I hope I qualify as a member here. Where my brother learned masturbation at age 8 is a mystery. He doesn't remember. But one of his teachers was fired for sticking his hand down the back of his pants; he was one among several children who reported him.

I am now married with a child, but am occassionally led by fantasies of consentual same gender intergenerational sexual contact (not attracted to children at all but to the idea of being sexual with an adult as a child), and same gender "proximity" fantasies. I sometimes go night after night with dreams of erect penises around my bed, rarely any contact, and rarely any faces to go with it. I know the man/boy fantasies would never actually be as enticing in real life as they seem to appear in my mind, but my deepest sexual pleasure does seem to be bound up in this kind of relationship. Additionally I always have phallic imagery, when I self-stimulate, ever since I can remember, but never fantasize about actual sex.

Here's the rub. Just being on this site triggers my problematic sexual appetite. I am faced with the possibility of making contact with other men in my situation and wanting to 'fall in love' with another guy.

I sought help for my homosexual urges in a flimsy online so-called christian group for ssa, but found myself unable to manage the deep water. Ultimately it came to my attention that the group itself was basically initiated as a cruising ground, a trap for ssa men. So the attention became overwhelming, and satisfying in all the wrong ways.

My concern with getting close to men here is I tend to think that any kind of attention from sexually broken males is just a front for sexual or romantic interest. Somehow it takes a lot for me to believe otherwise. This is very isolating. Conversely, I am skeptical about my commitment the healing of other men, as I have in the past eroticized otherwise friendly and noble relationships. I don't want to be a user.

For a decade in my 30s I had sexual contact with 100s of men, and had several long term relationships with men. I also did some sex work for money. I left that all behind in 2007 when I moved to Korea and got married. Those changes followed something of a spiritual awakening.

Sex with my wife is thankfully unmarred by strange imaginings. It is one of the most healing experiences at this point, so I try to pursue it regularly even though, from a distance, I don't consider it my 'sweet spot' sexually. I don't act out with men any more but when my family leaves the country for one or two months out of the year, all hell breaks lose online.

I feel like I don't want to let go of what seems like an inborn love of man parts, and manly love. But I am able to lay aside the acting out for up to a year at a time.

I failingly seek a replacement for my 'gay side' in religious and married life, somewhat halfheartedly.

I feel I can only be fully understood and appreciated by someone who shares my so-called orientation and circumstances, but i'm guarded about the nature of any connection with such a person. What if only person who might be able to touch me in my deepest places, will capture my heart and interest in a way that only complicates my circumstances? I both want that and fear it.

I guess I'll end it there. Its hard to know if I'm just a bisexual male giving myself way too much leeway because "at least its not another woman". I don't know if that is a question for this site, but I guess sexual confusion is par for the course around here.


Edited by GoldStone (08/28/13 02:49 AM)

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#436160 - 05/29/13 07:26 AM Re: Danny's Intro [Re: GoldStone]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Hello Danny, welcome to Male survivor.
I hope you'll find this place as useful tool in looking for your healing where you could find some answers.
Please take care for yourself in first place while you've been here and in case if something would be triggering or challenging.
Many of us were hyper-sexual from childhood and have do to a lot of work to rebuild our integrity and find additional strength. Some weaknesses and coping mechanism we used for very long time and because of that it is not possible to find some quick solution.
Please learn what is offered to us here and look to find your "safe" way to connect to others. It could be trough personal messages, writing on public boards or chat - it is up to you.
It is important to go trough site's guidelines and to follow it in order to secure safety and anonymity.

I agree that sometimes is very challenging to hold grounded emotions while being in group of survivors. It is not wonder that sometimes some of us are falling to old habits. Some time is needed to learn how to be supportive to self and others. Sometimes set backs are sign actually of progress.

In any case please feel welcomed and keep sharing with us!


Pero
_________________________
My story

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#436166 - 05/29/13 07:54 AM Re: Danny's Intro [Re: GoldStone]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
So I guess members getting busy with one another offsite is not unheard of... it was a real problem on another recovery site.

I know there are guidelines about this...i wonder if there are threads on this so I can know how people are handling themselves when presented with this kind of temptation or seduction.


Edited by GoldStone (05/29/13 01:19 PM)

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#436173 - 05/29/13 08:55 AM Re: Danny's Intro [Re: GoldStone]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1556
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: GoldStone
So I guess members getting busy with one another offsite is not such an anomoly..

Welcome Danny,

Whether or not you call your experience "abuse" now may be a little beside the point. Like many here, you were introduced to sexuality at an age where your body and soul were not prepared to deal with its power and ramifications. Those early experiences still deeply affect our sexuality as men. I can only suggest therapy as a means to work through those issues, to sort out what kind of sexual boundaries will work for us now as men.

If "getting busy with one another" means what I think it does, I hope that its not found here. There are lots of websites where guys can go for that. This needs to be a place where all feel safe to heal, sexually and otherwise.

Seek healing Danny. It is possible to overcome all this.

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#436180 - 05/29/13 09:19 AM Re: Danny's Intro [Re: GoldStone]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Please be aware that sexual abuse (including exposure to explicit sexuality in childhood) is traumatic occurrence which left many times negative self image in us. So it is very difficult to cope when negative feelings are present.
Many times we have chosen as our coping strategy repeating situations and behaviors that could be linked to abuse. It can bee anything destructive and damaging in its core, like: drugs use, alcohol, porn addiction, risky sexual behavior, gambling and so on. The list is very long. Here is the link to article how to stop that cycle.

Related to your question, please read site's guidelines and follow it. We are moderated community and it is requested to act responsible while here. Our goal and focus is on healing and recovery not in repeating trauma, going trough similar emotions and acting out trough damaging behaviors.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#436181 - 05/29/13 09:26 AM Re: Danny's Intro [Re: GoldStone]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Thanks Pero and Jude...i just felt i had to test the ice before walking out on it. can't be too careful.



Edited by ModTeam (05/29/13 01:28 PM)
Edit Reason: rremoved graphic content

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#436190 - 05/29/13 10:45 AM Re: Danny's Intro [Re: GoldStone]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Hm your deep sexual desires would stay there.
The only real question is how much are you ready to accept yourself fully, I mean with also those deep urges and fantasies that you prefer to keep in darkness and regard as something bad…

Regarding interaction with other members – keep it slow, learn to behave by yourself, learn about other people, when you feel it is too much make a break and distance, stop communication and cool yourself because there is no real easy way or cure. Human mind is endless and so are our deep desires and urges…and you are not much different in that respect to any other human being so yeah welcome here and good luck you will need it...

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#436191 - 05/29/13 11:02 AM Re: Danny's Intro [Re: Ivo]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Thanks Ivo...your advice about interacting with other members makes a lot of sense. Proximity to other broken men is triggering...I'm going to have to work on that step by step. We do have to own our own situation.

As for your first paragraph...
Originally Posted By: Ivo

The only real question is how much are you ready to accept yourself fully, I mean with also those deep urges and fantasies that you prefer to keep in darkness and regard as something bad…
let me ask this...isn't it possible to bring those urges to the light and still regard them as BAD? That would be me.


Edited by GoldStone (05/29/13 11:05 AM)

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#436212 - 05/29/13 02:19 PM Re: Danny's Intro [Re: GoldStone]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Originally Posted By: GoldStone
... let me ask this...isn't it possible to bring those urges to the light and still regard them as BAD? That would be me.


It depends, there are certain limits, if you look something to be really BAD it could be that it would stimulate you MORE, there are many possibilities and relationships… you would have to figure it out on your own at the end

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#436214 - 05/29/13 02:21 PM Re: Danny's Intro [Re: GoldStone]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
yes...i see how we can uproot something and put it to good use instead of letting it puppeteer us from behind the curtain. Good point!

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