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#435044 - 05/18/13 11:28 AM A rant about SSA, abuse, men
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I am writing this to exorcise some demons. I had terrible connections to other males when I was abused. I had a father who seemed to dislike me, an older brother who treated me poorly and I was smaller and younger than my peers at school and I excelled academically unlike many other boys. I was an outsider in many ways and I was desperately seeking a connection with men.

Then I was abused. I was molested, fellated and the man disappeared forever. I never knew him or knew anything about him. I wasn't "attacked" in a physically aggressive way but I was attacked in a more insidious way. I know that now.

But it created a link for me between sex with a man and a feeling of connection to that man. It wasn't true. It was a lie and my need was exploited for the abuser's benefit and my need was what I perceive my abuser wanted to use to hurt me, wound me, what he hated in me, what he covered up with sexual touch which felt good while simultaneously "knifing" me in the soul, mind and body. It was evil under the cover of normal, physical reactions.

I was already ashamed of sex prior to that due to family issues and this only further drove my sexual health into shameful areas and kept me further isolated from others. I developed two lives and one where I was the good kid (with an edge) who got good grades and such and the other guy who acted out sexually in private in ways that kept the shame up, the secrets up and a place where I dumped a lot of real needs. My needs became things that I was ashamed of. The people that I was attracted to were dangerous, not benign, and had an threatening aura about them. I wanted to attach to the threatening males in my life (father and brother) and I acted that out in my sex life. It is the truth and I am sick of being ashamed of it.

The only homosexuality (or SSA)that is exhibited in my life is this dynamic. I have practiced abstinence for 7.5 months now and have made great strides. However, I worked too much in the last two weeks and got imbalanced in my life and my urge to connect in this ill manner re-appears. I don't want to spend my time in private hell hating myself or loathing my sexuality any more. My life has been getting better but there are many things that I have never talked (or written about) and my private sexual life is the biggest, darkest area of my life with many many secrets. I am sick of trying to hide what I did prior to and after my abuse. I am sick of trying to deny my sexuality. That doesn't mean I am sick of trying to deny my orientation. It means I am sick of carrying this weight of trying to make it all okay so I can just "fit in". I do fit in - here. And other places. It is okay that I have my past (and present) and it is okay on here to get into stuff that I can't elsewhere.

I don't know if this makes sense but I am sick of trying to clean up my act, so to speak, to appear a certain way to feel better about myself. I acknowledge what happened, what men did to me, how men abused me and let me down and I don't, for today, forgive the abusers, my father or my brother. They need to understand that they are all culpable to a degree and they don't get to have a relationship with me without my abuse.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#435092 - 05/18/13 11:24 PM Re: A rant about SSA, abuse, men [Re: EdfromNYC]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1568
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: EdfromNYC
.......I developed two lives and one where I was the good kid (with an edge) who got good grades and such and the other guy who acted out sexually in private in ways that kept the shame up, the secrets up .......I am sick of trying to hide what I did prior to and after my abuse. I am sick of trying to deny my sexuality........I am sick of trying to clean up my act, so to speak, to appear a certain way to feel better about myself.


Hey Ed,

That was a heartfelt post that was totally honest. Thats what we're all here for, a place where we can be honest about what happened, and how we feel about it, without being judged.

We've talked before, so you know that I led that double life too, acting out with men, trying to re-enact my CSA experience, to feel that false sense of connection. Personally I don't feel the need to tell all about my past. I no longer am that person. I am now sexually sober (total celebacy) for over a year, and don't intend to have sex again until/unless I can do so in a healthy way. That means staying in the present, caring for my partners needs, and having an emotional connection with her.

If I never have sex again, I can live with that. I've had lots of it over my lifetime, but little or no emotional intimacy. Thats what I'm looking for now. The mystery of sex and love may be the hardest thing for a man to deal with in life. My wish is that you find your own way with this. Good luck,

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#436093 - 05/28/13 03:52 PM Re: A rant about SSA, abuse, men [Re: EdfromNYC]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 408
Loc: west coast
great post ed

All of us lived two lives, whether from the abuse, from feeling different and knowing we were not like the others - it kept us apart from others and more importantly ourselves.

Freedom of the truth is so powerful, its so intoxicating and liberating. Whatever your truth is, live it!

There is nothing to be gained by denying who you are, and what you did in the past is not who you are now. Your shoulders feel so much lighter when the past no longer has the power to weigh you down.

cheers

grant
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#445473 - 08/26/13 12:36 AM Re: A rant about SSA, abuse, men [Re: EdfromNYC]
nomad510 Offline


Registered: 04/02/13
Posts: 28
Quote:
I developed two lives and one where I was the good kid (with an edge) who got good grades and such and the other guy who acted out sexually in private in ways that kept the shame up, the secrets up and a place where I dumped a lot of real needs. My needs became things that I was ashamed of.


Same here! This is a good way of putting. Your story sound very similar to mine. I also had two lives. The sexual addiction added much shame. It's been several years now and I wish I knew about or faced my abuse issues earlier so I didn't have to struggle so much why I was messing around with guys when I thought I was straight. I also liked women very much. But let me tell you how my abuse happened. All my ssa experience and all my attraction was towards this strange curiosity that I developed over looking at and foundling another mans penis because this is how I was molested. And then it got to the point where I knew I didn't like men at all but still liked this object ( the penis ) or at least th curiosity of it that I started messing around with transsexuals. At least they, the more attractive ones that were more convincing, looked like women and I could still connect with my heterosexuality. But when looking back on all of my sexploitations of m being this is all I ever did. I never had sexual intercourse or had any kind of emotional connection. Just curiosity of that one organism. All linking back to my own sexual abuse.

I certainly kept the shame up, and kept the secrets by acting out ( re-enacting my abuse) like this. And I tried to get my needs met like this, and I shared a lt of intimate moments with prostitues and people totally unqualified to help me with my pain. I tried getting love this way but. Only got pain. I was messing around with a ton of girls at the same time, my mind became so obsessed with the addict ing feeling of what I was doing that I lost myself and lost a of friends and support from my family. I basically ruined my life and lost many years that thankfully I'm being able to recover now. I have to accept it first.

Well that's just a part of my story that I can relate to yours. Good luck on your journey!


Edited by nomad510 (08/26/13 12:07 PM)

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#448169 - 09/25/13 05:07 AM Re: A rant about SSA, abuse, men [Re: EdfromNYC]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 323
Ed your post rocks man. You sound healthy minded when it comes to what you are feeling, as i read it i felt a deep connection with the way our sexuality was invaded. I don't think its fair to label this possessing of our sexuality as attraction. A child has no clue of what it's sexual structures are in the world without an adequate mirror, A healthy mother and father who experience sexual joy. Or these day's even what a loving same sex marriage can offer.

Imagine what rape does to your sexuality not your current sexuality but to your potential sexuality at an early age the one waiting to erect itself...the footprint it leaves. I have read some hideous stories where such sadism was involved that one can but cry over the pain this caused many of us.. It does not mean though that we cannot deeply asses our own sexuality...
Own up to our lusty male sexual appetites and desires..our needs for love from another body, if that be a woman or man well that is something only deep introspection can determine. Sometimes the abuse just becomes a neurological conditioning..think long enough about something and it is sure to become true...
our thoughts become our reality...i sincerely wish you the best in your journey.
Stay strong.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#448186 - 09/25/13 08:39 AM Re: A rant about SSA, abuse, men [Re: EdfromNYC]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
If by SSA you mean the attractions, they haven't gone away. But I've learned it as an involuntary compliment. It's my body telling someone, "Man did God do a nice job putting you together." I'm turned on by the men who resemble my abuser or the ones who look like I wished I did, maybe who i think I would be if I hadn't been abused?

But I don't act on it. I've been physically celibate for 8 years and emotionally for 5 (hit on a friend, but nothing happened).

I still have the same sex-map that goes "ping" around some guys. But I don't feel it makes me any different from a man who goes "ping" when anyone else, male or female, who is attractive comes by. It's what I chose to act on that defines me. In my faith tradition that means not married = no sex, and the gender doesn't really change that!

Knowing that sets me free. It makes me feel normal, even if my hormones are aimed where I didn't ask them to aim.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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