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#406258 - 08/09/12 12:51 AM My Story
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Hi, I'm 55 in the USA and have kept my secret for 42 years, just told my therapist last week and am overwhelmed by feelings of anger and selfhatred. I was 13 and partied regularly with boys my own age in the neighborhood. An older guy in the neighborhood, Tim would buy us beer and share his pot with us. He was 21 and we all looked up to him and liked him because he supplied us. One night we were at Tim's house smoking dope and everyone else went home. I stayed and we kept smoking dope. I was taking hits off this big bong and the next think I remember I was sucking his dick. I stumbled home and I remember sitting on my couch telling myself this didnt happen. I never went back to Tim's house again and withdrew from all my friends and became a loner. Never had friends again all through high school and college and adulthood. never would let anyone be close to me. I drank and smoked dope all the time to kill the feelings of anger, selfhatred and fear. I was afraid I was gay. The only relationships I let myself have were with girls who would let me have sex with them, and those werent really relationships, just sex. i used them to prove I was staright. i got masrried but never let my wife get very close to me. Now my marriage is about over and Im finally dealing with this shit. I'm not using drugs or alcohol anymore to kill the seelings and I'm pretty fucvked up right now. My therapist says it will get worse before it gets better. i hope so cause it sure sucks now.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#406360 - 08/10/12 05:39 AM Re: My Story [Re: Jude]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1355
Hi Garydosh,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

It does not matter that you went to that guy's house, drank or smoked pot, he had NO RIGHT to do what he did to you!!

It was not your fault.

The fault lies with one person and one person only - Tim.

He chose to do the things he did. He chose to force you to do the things he made you do. He chose to put his needs ahead of yours. He chose to disregard the fact that you had needs. He is the one who chose to disrespect you.

Things will feel worse for a while. It is the nature of going through this process called "healing." It will be the wildest roller coaster you have ever experienced.

And then things will start to get better. Almost imperceptibly at first. A few good moments here and there, experienced almost without awareness. Then the good moments become noticable, and more frequent. The moments become minutes, then hours. Pretty soon you are having more good moments than not. And even when you have a difficult moment, it doesn't get you like it once did. The good hours become days, then weeks, and months.

Yes, things will get better.

But before you can reach that point you will be doing a lot of hard work in therapy. There will be a lot of anger, sadness, rage, depression, turmoil and upheaval. Sometimes you may feel like getting off this crazy ride. Other times you will question why you started the process at all.

During those times it is important to remember you are not alone. Come here and post or hang out in chat. You may not feel like talking, and that is okay. Just being around others will help you not feel so alone. Also, do not forget to neglect your off-line friendships. Your friends are very important, as is the need to engage in non-healing activities.

You have taken several very big steps, and I hope you recognize the courage it took to take them. You have started therapy; you have told your therapist about the abuse; you have given up the drugs and alcohol you were using to numb the pain; and you have come here. Many are never able to take even one of those steps.

In addition to therapy there are several books you may find helpful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#406374 - 08/10/12 10:19 AM Re: My Story [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Thanks Anomolous. I need to hear that over and over to undo 42 years of telling myself that it WAS my fault.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

Top
#406438 - 08/10/12 08:56 PM Re: My Story [Re: Jude]
Jonah Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 18
Loc: USA
Gary,

It takes a lot of strength to come out and talk openly about what was done to you. I'm no expert or philosopher, but i think th most essential and difficult part of this process is finding the strength to just acknowledge it and let it out. I've read a couple of your posts in other threads, already. While the circumstances of our SA are different, a lot of the coping methods that you've described using are the same as mine. The use of porn that relates to our victimization. The feelings that simultaneously arouse and disgust us. The inability to handle intimacy with those you love. All of it. Christ almighty, it takes a lot of strength to own up to this stuff, you know? You aren't alone out here. I hear and hope that it does get better after while. The key, i think, is to remember a few things.

1) no one is perfect
2) being afraid is expected and okay
3) courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to persevere in light of it.
4) you aren't alone out here.
5) together, maybe not right away, but one day, we will find the strength to be back on our feet again.


Welcome, brother. Let the healing commence.

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#408229 - 08/28/12 03:23 PM Re: My Story [Re: Jude]
cymrotom Offline


Registered: 06/15/12
Posts: 30
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
Gary,

Thanks for sharing your story. It's a big step to come here and talk about it. I know. I've been dealing with my abuse for many years and only just recently have actively done something about it.

We'll all learn how to heal from each other.
_________________________
I just want to be me.

Tom

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#408231 - 08/28/12 03:41 PM Re: My Story [Re: cymrotom]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2453
Loc: TEXAS
My fraternal brother, Gary.

A belated welcome to MS. Here you will receive compassion, understanding, hope & love, from your brothers (fraternal) & f(friends in pain.)

We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears..

You already are on board of that emotional roller coaster of emotions. It'll be the ride of your life.

It takes a while for some of us to start dealing with this CSA stuff. It took me 69 1/2 years. I'm now 73. Been healing since August '08. So as you can see there are quite a few senior...er..mature guys here too.

Wishing you well in healing my fraternal brother, Gary.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#408477 - 08/30/12 07:19 PM Re: My Story [Re: Jude]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
It is brave to deal with this
_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

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#435992 - 05/27/13 04:01 PM Re: My Story [Re: Jude]
StrugglingGuy Offline


Registered: 05/20/13
Posts: 48
Loc: Canada
You're not alone Bud

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#436015 - 05/27/13 08:35 PM Re: My Story [Re: Jude]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3584
Loc: O Kanada
this is a good place to bring your thoughts and feelings.
welcome.

good idea staying away from the drugs and alcohol.
my life is way better without it.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#436076 - 05/28/13 12:47 PM Re: My Story [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Victor,

Thanks for digging this up. Reminds me how far I've come. Maybe life isn't so bad....

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

Top
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