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#43601 - 02/13/03 09:26 AM Anger.... How to deal with it. HELP
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
ANGER. How can I get to grips with it?


I know what it is I think but I just don't know how to deal with it. Today for instance I woke early feeling furious I could believe that if I knew where those feelings had originated in my mind during my very irregular sleep pattern but if I have suffered from nightmares and triggers whilst asleep I usually wake up soaked to the skin. I woke bone dry and I couldn't remember what I was dreaming about to make me feel this way. That to me was very strange. These feeling followed their natural route, which means I pass through stages of feeling totally fucking useless, depressed, near to tears and this rage that I just want to lash out and hurt. I cant seem to loose my temper in a controlled way (I used to play drums, maybe I should get another kit), I bury it deep inside and return to old forms behaviour like self abuse in the form of bulimia (which gives me one hell of a buzz), self harming myself by way of burning (and sometimes scalding) and wanking myself into oblivion,


Disassociation from the present.

It gives me something else to focus on. I no longer use alcohol but I do yearn greatly for that warm fuzzy oblivion and the feeling of not being at risk as no one could touch me (physically and emotionally). The booze used to give me that feeling and I don't think I have had my last drink yet.

I relapsed twice last year after the trials I was connected with had finished. We got two convictions one got seven years and placed on our Sex Offenders Register for life. The UK government wont allow it (the register) into the public domain because of the likelihood of vigulante actions. The other abuser got fined 300 about $450 and placed on Sex Offenders register for five years. Although I have heard that he is in it up to his neck again because of Operation Arundel, an investigation in to paedophilia within the entertainment industry here in the UK once more all linked to Jonathan King (see thread for details).

Up to that time of relapse I had been sober for nearly eight year's. I'm happy to say that I'm back on message as far as my Twelve Step (AA) programme and take it “one day at a time”. But for how long especially when I'm in a negative mood.

I'm rambling. \:o

The thing I wanted to ask is how do I get in touch with this rage that is sitting in the pit of my stomach, I think I HAVE got in touch with those feeling but I haven't a clue what to do next. I really do need some help with this as it is really beginning to affect my close relationships especially with my three grandchildren and my wife. \:\(

I was meant to visit them today with my wife but I don't want my godchild to see me when I'm down. Now I feel guilty for not going……. I was being a self pitying prat and being selfish yet again (this recovering alcoholic makes Leonard Cohen sound like Jackie Mason). Up until my relapses last year I was just beginning to cry naturally again for the first time in thirty-two years.

Those “Benders” (which happens to be the title of a book I'm writing) appear to have sealed the old emotional channels up again. It took so fucking long to get in touch with those feelings. I just hope I haven't got to go through that lengthy process again. I get very frustrated and angry with myself for just not letting go (being able to cry again).

I am taunted continuously by one of my abusers who is running a Pubic Relations Campaign from his prison cell. I shouldn't really go and see what he states but I'm obsessed with my lot of abusers all of them especially the ones that haven't been arrested or charged with anything.

They really do PISS me off.

And all that was left was hope

Archnut


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#43602 - 02/13/03 09:47 AM Re: Anger.... How to deal with it. HELP
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
something I read once

"an angry person does not have anger, an angry person is angry"

I don't know if that is of any use to you, but reading that helped me.


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#43603 - 02/13/03 10:22 AM Re: Anger.... How to deal with it. HELP
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Hi Arhnut
Here is something I wrote in another thread
Numb!!
I have spent some 36 years that way. Numb in the sense of being detached from reality. the world was out of step with Mike. What is the matter with everyone. Why cant they be like me. I think the numbness is self enduced and in some ways helps us to survive to where we are now. But I also think that it is a form of excapism. I mean when you get cold you go numb and cannot feel. Well we do that too, but in a reverse order. We dont want to feel case it hurts too much so we numb ourselves down. It is called, I believe coping. What happened to us was a total assault and violation of our very selves and forever changed our innocence and compassion. That is contrary to every tenat of being human. How can we not go numb. We do it daily while watching the news. Se see something so terrible that we cannot comprehend it so we numb it down.
That is human nature. Can we recover from this. As it relates to our abuse and sense of self value the answer is an unequivocal yes. Because when we take it into the light of day and recognize that we were not to blame and direct our anger in the proper direction we have purpose and that purpose is motivational and prevents the numbness from reoccuring, or if it does, less and lless frequently. This is a terrible thing we have to deal with and nobody like to deal with terrible things. So we numb down. We are like a parent who has to live through the terrible tragedy of buring their son or daughter. We must cope for the moment. the danger that we face is that the moment becomes a decade and so on. the longer the numbness the harder it is to deal with the issue. Havaing read the posts here I would say that we have all felt that way to some extent or another. Beinng numb is, mental or ortherwise is like an anaesthetic, it relieves the moment. But unfortunately like most we became addicted to the anaesthetic to avoid the issue. Brother we are not doing that now.
Munbmes can also be mental dretachmend and you I both know that is another surviving tool. It did not happen to me but to that other kid. Unfortunately that other kid is inside us.
As I mentioned somewhere else and as other have said the inner child must be brought into the light of day and out of the darkness where he has hidden for soo sooo long. the dark is a cold and dreary place and leads to a numbness of the mind and spirit.

You talk about rage and Brian has the right take on it. The rage is also a form of numbing down. Unfortunately the rage is somehow misdirected because our brain has been hotwired. We rage because of the seeming inability of being able to come to grips with our past. We rage against our lack of will. We display our anger to those that most support us( our families). Our reage is alos a form on frustration. Think a bit. Your rage needs to be focused on the assholes who did what they did to you. The physical shit was bad but the emotional and psychological shit very nearly destroys us all. It is easy to say "Focus your anger but it is hard to do". You have an inner strength for which you do not give yourself any credit. Brother you have survived and have also a loving and caring family. That takes courage and strength. That same strength can be channeled to this purpose. Once I took enamel paint and wrote the words PERP in the toilet bowl and everytime I used it it gave me great satisfaction to either shit or piss all over them. I would say that I channeled my anger for my own selfish use. And boy do we have to be selfish. I am a member of AA and have been for 36 years. I am 62. I have also recovered from heroin addiction as a young man. I was also a male prostitute because of what happened to me and the counselling I got as a teenager.
How did I do it. I am not quite sure. All of it was self destructive behavior. And all of it deadened the misdirected rage I felt. Call it numbing down which I started this discussion with. My committment mow is 1. to the small child within2.to myself and 3to my family. In the final analysis that is all that is important. I have never said I will not drink again ever, I will not shoot heroin again ever, I will not indulge in uncotrollable rages again ever, I will not seek out the violence I was addicted to again ever. I just wont do it today. That is what keeos me going. You talk about bulimia. I had it from 18 years of age until last year. God what that did to me. I discovered what it was all about. When I was abused in Military Colege by my three perps and when I was on the street I was a solid specimen of male muscle. I mean that was what my perps so liked about me. I can still hear them talking to one another as they used me." Look at this pice of meat. Too bad all that muscle is wasted on a cocksucking fag". Also my clients who were into the more violent side of perversion wanted a really hard specimen. They used their own inadequacies to confirm their manhood in their own mind by being so violent with me. The more I struggled the more they liked it. During those times I raged against myself for seeking this out and numbed down with booze and heroin. In retrospect I also used these drugs to increase the violence. They wanted confirmation that they were the masters and to remain straight in their own mind they were only giving me what I wanted because of any arrrousal on my part. Booze and heroin have a remarkably negative effect on hardons. I raged about that too. Cause I thougt I was a controlling asshole.
I like you am married and have a beautiful 22 year old daughter and a wonderful wife who after years of hiding the truth from are my best supporters.
I know this may be a bit rambling Archnut but really what I am trying to say is the courts have given you a measure of justice and you should not give a ratws ass about the campaign. If you feel stronly emough write a letter to the editor of the local paper. Write the fuckers name in your toilet bowl. Realize the the inner strength you have. Let that innocent child revel through your eyse in the joy of living your grandchildren display. Let hi share im the felowsip of family and dear friends. He has been soooo sooo lonely all thes years and has a lot of anger in him at lost innocence and childhood. Be kind to yourself. Whatever you do or commit to. Just do it for today. You know the AA take on those two awful eternities yesterday and tomorrow.
Your Brother in Healing

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#43604 - 02/13/03 04:24 PM Re: Anger.... How to deal with it. HELP
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Archnut:

I am fairly new here but it seems I have received a "lifetime" of support from everyone here. I don't have a lot of experience since I've only just gotten into therapy after decades of carrying the guilt, shame and depression which stems from sa. Lately, when I am in need of strength to overcome fear, temptations and anger I pray for myself. So without knowing if anything I can say will be helpful to you, I said a brief prayer for you too. I'm sorry this turned out to be so "preachy". I hoped I could be supportive to you and all the Brothers here who have been so great a comfort to me in such a short time. Be loving to yourself and go easy on yourself too. Remember, we are all fighting a hard battle so we need to be kind to ourselves and to each other. Sincerely, Jess.


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#43605 - 02/13/03 08:07 PM Re: Anger.... How to deal with it. HELP
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Kirk
I have been lucky not to have felt a consuming rage or hatred myself, and it's hard to imagine that someone elses rage is twice as bad as mine, or even ten times as much.

The rage I felt was bad for me, and I think that some of mine was released symbolicaly as well.
I had a cerimonial burning of something that was directly attaching me to my past, some items of school uniform I still had.
I'd have really liked to set fire to the old school building which is about 10 miles from where I live, but there's laws about that......

But a steel pipe and an old washing machine can release a lot of pent up anger as well, something tangible to focus it on works wonders, then kick fuck out of it !

( And thank you for Tuesday. )

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#43606 - 02/13/03 11:16 PM Re: Anger.... How to deal with it. HELP
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Jesse: You are not preachy at all. You say what you have to with grace and conviction. You say you have been here only a short time my brother. So have we all. How long ago was it for us when it happened and what took us so long to get here. Ill tell you. It was the grace of those who have been here before and have left a legacy for us. I may have ranted in another thread but I do believe that collectively we may be getting somewhere all of us in this fight. For a good fight you need the hot heads to stir the pot, gentle men to watch out for everyones needs and graceful people to articulate what the hell we are all doing. And my brother you have the grace in how you feel and in what you say.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#43607 - 02/15/03 09:48 AM Re: Anger.... How to deal with it. HELP
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Thanks guys

I like the drain pipe and washing machine idea Dave I would imagine the sound of it being destroyed would give me some satisfaction.

No Jesse, you were not preaching at all. It gives me another angle on anger/rage and for that I am greatful.

I should exercise but I have slobbishness down to a fine art. \:D

And all that was left was hope

Archnut


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#43608 - 02/15/03 09:53 AM Re: Anger.... How to deal with it. HELP
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Dave

Tuesday

Your more than welcome and anytime you want an ear, give me a shout.

I look forward to the next group.

And all that was left was hope \:\) .

Take care

Kirk

PS had to use the board. Empty your mail box lol!


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#43609 - 02/15/03 01:20 PM Re: Anger.... How to deal with it. HELP
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Kirk, it is great to have you posting lots of good things.

As a fellow friend of Bill W you know you posted some sthinkin thinkin when you said you didn't think you have had your last drink. Talk about that to your sponsor. Best to do that today.

I had a great book that explained male anger. I loaned it to someone who never gave it back and now I don't even remember the name. It was something like: "Angry Males,-------Males.

There is a good book called "Your Perfect Right" it helps show the difference between Agression and Assertion but that does n ot seem to be what you are dealing with.

Although there has been a lot of argument over hitting punching bags etc or not, I still have found that for me, doing something physical to let the rage out does neutralize it some for me.

Hitting the matress with a plastic bat helps sometimes, but at other times I need to go where I can make a lot of noise. I go to Lake Michigan and throw rocks and yell out at whoever or whatever I am angry at. I fear that if I did not do that I could present the humoroous site of an increasingly feeble old man slugging some healthy young guy who just cut in front of me on the freeway.

Take care Kirk, but let the crap out. Pent up inside it gives us ulcers, hypertension, wretched headaches etc. etc.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#43610 - 02/15/03 05:30 PM Re: Anger.... How to deal with it. HELP
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Hey, Bob,

Your de>

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