ANGER. How can I get to grips with it?
I know what it is I think but I just don't know how to deal with it. Today for instance I woke early feeling furious I could believe that if I knew where those feelings had originated in my mind during my very irregular sleep pattern but if I have suffered from nightmares and triggers whilst asleep I usually wake up soaked to the skin. I woke bone dry and I couldn't remember what I was dreaming about to make me feel this way. That to me was very strange. These feeling followed their natural route, which means I pass through stages of feeling totally fucking useless, depressed, near to tears and this rage that I just want to lash out and hurt. I cant seem to loose my temper in a controlled way (I used to play drums, maybe I should get another kit), I bury it deep inside and return to old forms behaviour like self abuse in the form of bulimia (which gives me one hell of a buzz), self harming myself by way of burning (and sometimes scalding) and wanking myself into oblivion,
Disassociation from the present.
It gives me something else to focus on. I no longer use alcohol but I do yearn greatly for that warm fuzzy oblivion and the feeling of not being at risk as no one could touch me (physically and emotionally). The booze used to give me that feeling and I don't think I have had my last drink yet.
I relapsed twice last year after the trials I was connected with had finished. We got two convictions one got seven years and placed on our Sex Offenders Register for life. The UK government wont allow it (the register) into the public domain because of the likelihood of vigulante actions. The other abuser got fined £300 about $450 and placed on Sex Offenders register for five years. Although I have heard that he is in it up to his neck again because of Operation Arundel, an investigation in to paedophilia within the entertainment industry here in the UK once more all linked to Jonathan King (see thread for details).
Up to that time of relapse I had been sober for nearly eight year's. I'm happy to say that I'm back on message as far as my Twelve Step (AA) programme and take it “one day at a time”. But for how long especially when I'm in a negative mood.
The thing I wanted to ask is how do I get in touch with this rage that is sitting in the pit of my stomach, I think I HAVE got in touch with those feeling but I haven't a clue what to do next. I really do need some help with this as it is really beginning to affect my close relationships especially with my three grandchildren and my wife.
I was meant to visit them today with my wife but I don't want my godchild to see me when I'm down. Now I feel guilty for not going……. I was being a self pitying prat and being selfish yet again (this recovering alcoholic makes Leonard Cohen sound like Jackie Mason). Up until my relapses last year I was just beginning to cry naturally again for the first time in thirty-two years.
Those “Benders” (which happens to be the title of a book I'm writing) appear to have sealed the old emotional channels up again. It took so fucking long to get in touch with those feelings. I just hope I haven't got to go through that lengthy process again. I get very frustrated and angry with myself for just not letting go (being able to cry again).
I am taunted continuously by one of my abusers who is running a Pubic Relations Campaign from his prison cell. I shouldn't really go and see what he states but I'm obsessed with my lot of abusers all of them especially the ones that haven't been arrested or charged with anything.
They really do PISS me off.
And all that was left was hope