Newest Members
JimHouston42, GKB, MorganWut, myrlin, AaronS
12466 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dm13 (39), Jaso (34), liliana888 (43), Raju (32)
Who's Online
3 registered (cant_remember, Shyshark, 1 invisible), 15 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12466 Members
74 Forums
64017 Topics
446770 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#430 - 08/01/01 09:08 AM Reclaiming Positive Sexuality.
Anonymous
Unregistered


I was emotionally abused as a boy by my mom (I think physically as well , but not really sure.)

I am married and have had difficulty having sex (orgasm) with my wife. I am interested in her - but feelings of being punished by a guy keep intruding. Intimacy with women scare me. I want it, yet I run away when she shows an interest. Its like i'm damaged goods. .

Does anyone have experience with sexual dysfunction as a result of being a survivor. I would like some company here. I feel really alone. I know I'm bisexual - thats really not the issue. . . its how to reclaim positive sexuality after having it damaged as a kid.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

David
artistic_david@yahoo.com

PS This group has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. The support of everyone here is moving and I'm appreciative.


Top
#431 - 08/01/01 11:02 AM Re: Reclaiming Positive Sexuality.
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
i wish i could help, but as you know, sexuality is not my expertise.......i guess you have answered my gay question......if you love your wife, i guess you need to trust her enough to have sex with her....i know that is my issue......you already know how screwed up i am sexually.....be proud of yourself for being brave enough to have sex and to be willing to love another person.....if you have the characteristics we have discussed, you have a very special wife.....she must be a great person to put up with your personality....i guess my only advice is to just love her.......michael


Top
#432 - 08/01/01 02:17 PM Re: Reclaiming Positive Sexuality.
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
David,

As you read in my other post, I said that I'm pretty much asexual. While all my friends talk of getting hard-ons over seeing a beautiful woman, I stand back, and admire her beauty. If I see a REALLY incredible woman, the feeling *I* get is in my gut, almost like heartache, rather than the rush of blood to the groin.

I also have been a crossdresser since a young age (actively since 14), and that is the activity that provokes the most obvious sexual interest for me. For years, I just assumed that I was weird, and that there really was no hope of being "normal."

Before I ever had the courage to crossdress in real life, I had some "experiments" (3 or 4 times, in a few week time period) with another boy in my classes. It amounted to some groping, and attempted mutual masturbation (I didn't get aroused), but it didn't really interest me. And we never talked of the activities again. And we continued through 4 more years of high school sharing classes.

And then I met this really amazing young lady, and, at the tender age of 21, I had my first kiss. And I got a hard-on! It was a beautiful moment, in the streetlight, with this girl I really dug on, and the thought that ran through my head was, "Thank God!! I'm normal after all!"

Things never really worked out with her, though. She went on to marry someone else (a great guy), and I'm afraid to say I've lost touch with her now, though she was a really great friend for 2 years until we lost touch.

Anyway, move on 5 years, to when this friend of a friend shows up at my doorstop to say, "My husband is out of town. I'm bored. Come over." And as an afterthought, "Bring a toothbrush." I tried to convince myself that it would all be innocent (she simply wanted company), even though a large part of me said, "I'm probably going to get laid, at last!" I was a virgin at this point.

Long story short, though I held strong for about 4 hours (after putting her kids to bed), I eventually gave into her seduction, and slept with a married woman. She did all the work, made all the moves. I just let it happen. And when we kissed, I got my most sexual interest. The rest of the sex wasn't that great. I remember going through the motions, and thinking to myself, "I couldn't care less about her."

The next morning, with God's flashlight (the sun) shining straight in my eyes, the full impact of what happened sank in. She wanted me to stick around, and be her "man on the side," but I remained firm, and didn't do anything else with her. And spent the next several months going through a lot of self-loathing over breaking one of my most important personal vows (monogomy is VERY important to me, and by being the "other man" I violated that). I ended up growing from that experience, though I still get moments of getting down on myself about it. I did come away with the opinion that I have no interest in sex, just for sex' sake. I only want to sleep with someone I actually care about.

The woman I was dating in the weeks before my flashback, was someone that my friend set me up with. I didn't feel anything for her at first, but figured I would give it more time. Eventually, I started to warm up to her, and then I had to deal with some of her "games" and crap that seem to be par for the course of dating nowadays. I couldn't tell if she actually liked me or not, because whenever I thought she did, she would indicate she didn't (or worse, say that *I* didn't). So imagine my surprise when she called me up, and began to describe a fantasy, and it amounted to phone sex. I got somewhat aroused, but the whole episode kinda freaked me out. Since I had my flashback about 10 days later, I just broke it off with her.

The night that I had my flashback, I was in serious need of having someone being comforting and nururing (I saw myself as a very little boy), and my best friend, a lesbian, kept her arms around me. By the time we all needed to sleep, she asked if I wanted to be alone, or have company, and I said that I wanted company. So I slept in the same bed as her, and we spooned together, and slept with our arms around each other. I've had a crush on her for a few years now, so I got immediate arousal, which I did my best to ignore.

Later in the week, we talked all night again, and I stayed the night. We talked about our feelings for each other, and how it was a bad idea (she's vulnerable because her girlfriend died 2 months ago, I'm vulnerable, well, duh), to act on it, but we both admitted that we do love each other deeply.

So, we slept in the same bed together, keeping our arms around each other, and I had to make a conscious effort not to get aroused. Since I DO have deep feelings for her, it is a turn-on to be intimate with her. And that is messing with my head a bit. I mentioned that in one of my posts before I left on my vacation.

We talked again, after I got back from my vacation, and I said how it was a bad idea to "sleep together" (in the literal sense), because I'm having trouble keeping my feelings separate. I put the thought into words, (and she agreed) if we DID get together, I felt like it was a chance that we could be "normal." And she has a lot lesbian pride, so it pisses her off that she would actually feel that way ("normal" over being in a straight relationship). Perhaps it is meaningful that it was a discussion of the movie Chasing Amy (about a straight guy falling in love with a lesbian, who in turn realizes that she really is in love with him too) that led to her coming out to me in the first place.

Or not.

Anyway, here's another of my patented mile-long posts.

Now that I've said all that, David, my short answer is: Sexual dysfunction? Yes! I chalked it up to my crossdressing for most of my life. Now I see it more a product of a lack of emotional intimacy.

J
We're all in this together.

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

Top
#433 - 08/03/01 02:27 AM Re: Reclaiming Positive Sexuality.
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
Where do I start? Sexually Abused, YES
Seaxual Dysfunction, Yes
Bi, Yes
Positive Sexuality, How?
I'm married also. Sleeping in different beds at night. Haven't had sex with her for one year now. It was when I returned out of treatment, July 2000. For me having sex with her and me, reminds me of walwrist doing it.
I fear for her health. I do not want to hurt her. When I do get the erge, I masturbate.
I'm dysfunctional for lots of reasons. We talk and kiss, hold each other many a times.
I think we are still intimate even with out sex, but I could be wrong.
fmighell Anc Ak


Top
#434 - 08/05/01 11:12 PM Re: Reclaiming Positive Sexuality.
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
I'm now reading "Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse" by Mic Hunter.

I'm only partway through it, but I found that the things in my life that I thought of, weren't about the sexual abuse when I was 3; I don't remember enough about that.

I think about my first sexual experience when I was 25. I think about the woman that decided that if she was going to end her marriage by sleeping with another man, it would be me. I think about how she made all the moves, and I (after hours of protest) finally gave in.

I have tried to take responsibility for my actions (not saying no, not leaving the house, even when I was prepared for it), and going against my own moral code by having sex with a married woman.

But I get so angry when I think about the event. I feel used. I feel worthless, because I couldn't even stick to my OWN code of conduct.

One of the lines from the book is "Becoming angry is the beginning of acceptance and of moving from the view of self as a victim to the view of self as a survivor. You cannot get angry for the abuse and still blame yourself for it."

So I wonder if, even though I was 25 at the time, is this a situation that I should be taking responsibility for, in the first place? Is blaming her for the act a cop-out, so that I can get off guilt-free? Or was I, in fact, a victim here, so that I can claim all the recovery and healing rights thereof? Was this a continuation of my original abuse, sitting like a deer in headlights, while something sexual was done to me?

I really want to get over this event; I thought I had moved past it, but the recent near-relationship brought up a lot of the feelings and fears. I would like to be able to get into a healthy relationship. I still dream of the husband/father thing. Right now, it's hard enough being "parent" to my 2 cats.

I'd like to hear some more opinions on the matter. I used to always think I was an adult... now I wonder just how stunted my emotional growth really is.

J

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

Top
#435 - 08/06/01 09:44 AM Re: Reclaiming Positive Sexuality.
Anonymous
Unregistered


J-

I don;t wanna come down too hard on you, man, but this is what I think. You were 25 years old. This woman was alot more experienced then you, but still like you said you could of left the house, you could of done something to prevent it. I don;t see you as the victim in that scene.

You said you were abused when you were 3 years old, though. My shrink keeps asking me how old is someone when they do something. Then you're 25 years old and you do something you know is wrong, something that violates your own code like you said, like a kid, except that you were 25 so you were old enought to know better and to know what you were doing. The woman wanted to leave her husband, so you did something that would hurt someone else, also like a kid would do. Now we all do things we regret later, but I think it's wrong to try to blame her. That would be like acting like a little kid, little kids are always trying to blame other people. Like I said, you were old enought to know better. I don;t think that it's gonna help you to blame this woman, though, what she did was wrong, cheating on her husband, but she didn;t force you. You weren't her victim but there might be some connection to your past. I think that trying to blame her is like trying to be the little boy who was abused, that might be the connection. You weren;t her victim, you could of walked away but you didn;t, and trying to blame her just because you don't like what you did is like acting like a kid. Just some thoughts, don't know exactly where I was going but thought I'd pitch in.

[ 08-06-2001: Message edited by: big bear ]


Top
#436 - 08/06/01 02:46 PM Re: Reclaiming Positive Sexuality.
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Big Bear,

Thanks. It wasn't the answer I hoped for when I wrote it, but it's the answer that is going to keep me on the road to recovery... I hope.

Cuz I'm really not sure how to go about healing from this. After several months of feeling shitty about it, I had an epiphany of sorts, over a year ago. I had just watched The Iron Giant, and one of the most important lines of that movie is "You are, who YOU choose to be. You choose." And I decided that I could not change the fact that I had consented to sex with this woman, but I could make the choice not to do anything like that again. As a matter of fact, I had made that choice the very next morning, by not sleeping with her a second time, when she wanted it.

And that's pretty much where I am now. Except that I am trying to deal with the anger that has come up in the last few weeks. It feels like it would help if I had a target for this anger, but I don't know who my abuser was. Whenever I think about this, it pisses me off to no end. I am proud of myself for remaining true to myself, AFTER the fall. But then I remember how manipulative she was in trying to "win me back," then "ratting me out" to her husband when I wouldn't give in (resulted in him breaking a few windows, harrassment when I wasn't home, and a lot of fear. I've since moved, without leaving a forwarding address, and had no problems). It just feels like I'll never truly be free of this. I've been "incident free" for at least 10 months, so I hope that it's really over.

I had a good cry 2 weeks back, and that seemed to purge a lot of the pent up emotion, but I feel the anger welling back up again.

I guess I'll write one of those letters that you never send. It's a start.

J

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

Top
#437 - 08/08/01 09:42 AM Re: Reclaiming Positive Sexuality.
Anonymous
Unregistered


Glad I had something to add.


Top
#438 - 08/08/01 02:26 PM Re: Reclaiming Positive Sexuality.
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Thanks again.

I just hate the roller coaster ride of going over the same old crap I thought I was past...

J

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

Top
#439 - 08/08/01 06:21 PM Re: Reclaiming Positive Sexuality.
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Hey Just Call Me,
and I will tell you like it is! Poor joke but I have loads of imfo and experience on male sexual abuse and sexual dysfunction. I'm married 22 years and about 5 years ago I started having trouble getting hard...got viagra....helped for a few years...than it just gave me headaches...tried more and more. I got to the point that I couldn't have an orgasm...even with my hand. I was fucked...went nuts and started having flashbacks that I could remember of the sexual abuse when a child. These flashbacks were all single frame ones so I didn't know what they were. After about 3 months of no orgasms at all. I had strong thoughts of having a man hurt me, so I found one on the net that wanted to fist me. I was scared but with all the people on the net saying how much fun this was...I went for it and was surprised that it was easy and I loved it. I didn't know anything about gay life and what these leather freaks were into. The first 2 times he let me control the action but on the 3th he took control and started to really hurt me. I didn't like it..felt like beening raped. This is when I had my first rolling flashback, 10 seconds of being raped as a child. I was on my back and placed a foot against his chest and kicked him off and out of me....hiting the wall about 8' away..slid down to the floor and started crying...said that he thought that we had something going and I was gone...had another longer flashback at a stop light on the way home. He kept calling and E-mailing me untill I told him that I would most likely kill him the next time. I still didn't get hard with him but did have the first orgasms in months. This is where I became a super sex addict. I was out of my mind completly...never deleted any of the cookies or even the history...my wife is a programer...guess what happened !!! Yea, I didn't even feel like I had done anything wrong...I had to see the first of my therapist...I was pissed off at men so got a good looking lady. She freaked when I told her about the flashbacks in detail...she wanted it. Then when I told her about me picking fights with strange men...for fun?...In the nut house I went!!! Three weeks of checking out some real nuts...big time. This was a nice place on the front line of PTSD studies. Had to take 8 - one hour long classes every day...I was the only man there! There was 11 nutty girls and me...we were pretty tight after the first week. They all had problems of sexual dysfunction too. WOW, I learned a lot..one girl did try to kill me but said that she didn't mean it...it was one of her parts...DID !!! Whatever, when you are married you can't go outside the marriage for sex..be it that you are gay, bi, tri...marriage is a contract and wives take it as so...big time with no bullshit!!! My wife said that she would try to please me like the guy did...giving me a 2nd chance. I found that it wasn't the male to male thing but this sex ack...she is better...gentle and I have control this time. Now I'm addicted to this form of sex and can't stop. I do like it, a true pain and plesure thing. But I do want my cock working again...trying to get a pump up dick implant. I've been to 3 dick doctors and finilly found one that may do the operation. This works no matter what you are thinking about....Good Luck!!!!

Eddie


Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.