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#435995 - 05/27/13 04:51 PM Wives...How do you deal with family visits?
lat Offline


Registered: 05/27/13
Posts: 4
I recently found out that my husband was sexually abused by his parents. He is not ready to set boundaries with them yet, and whenever they visit they stay with us for a week which is very stressful for both of us. His mother is still all over him touching him inappropriately and kissing him on the lips. He hates that but he feels like there is nothing he can do about it, and he canít bring himself to talk to a therapist. They were never nice to me at all and now that I know what they did to my husband I canít even stand looking at them. Apart from that I have to constantly be on high alert when they are visiting because I donít want them to be alone with our children at any time, and thatís very difficult to do when they are staying in our house for so long. How do other people deal with this situation? Thanks for reading.

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#436012 - 05/27/13 08:09 PM Re: Wives...How do you deal with family visits? [Re: lat]
lat Offline


Registered: 05/27/13
Posts: 4
Anyone out there? I'm afraid they are going to announce their next visit soon and I need to find ways to cope with it while my husband works up the courage to see a therapist. Thanks in advance.

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#436028 - 05/27/13 10:36 PM Re: Wives...How do you deal with family visits? [Re: lat]
karin4him Offline


Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 18
Loc: Illinois
Lat,
My husband's abusers were not his parents, so I don't have any direct advice I can give not being in the same situation. What I can suggest is that you have a very frank discussion with your husband and set some firm boundaries around his parents visit.

They may be his parents but it is your home and children too! If you haven't already explain your worries and you feelings to him. If he cannot support the boundaries then take your children away while they are visiting. First and foremost your job is to protect your children, even if it is staying with friends or family in the same town.

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#436048 - 05/28/13 06:26 AM Re: Wives...How do you deal with family visits? [Re: lat]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Lat,

Depending on the abuse your husband suffered from his parents, I think he has already put your children at risk. He may have in the past been on the watch for any strange behaviour from both his parents and the children BUT you were not privvy to that information at the time.

Unfortunately, I think your husband has to get his act together and come up with a plan that suits you as the mother of his children. I agree with karin4him the protection of your children is your no.1 priority, even if it means you disturb this "happy little family". In the mean time I would not leave them alone with his parents for a second.

However, hang in there for your husband, it is early days and he will come around eventually, with your support he will start to heal but it may have to come to him having to severe ties with his parents.

Rose
_________________________
Rosemary

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page www.samsosa.org

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#436051 - 05/28/13 08:19 AM Re: Wives...How do you deal with family visits? [Re: lat]
lat Offline


Registered: 05/27/13
Posts: 4
Thanks so much for the advice. He didn't remember any of the abuse, that's why he never talked about it before but he has started having memories and it has been very hard for him. He remembers very little of his childhood in general and these memories are very disturbing to him. In a way I would love to just go away when his parents are visiting but on the other hand I think that would make it harder for him because they tone down their crazy behavior a little bit when I'm around. Arggg...

Another problem is that since my husband hasn't confronted his parents about the abuse, if I go away when they come to visit that would put him in a situation in which he would have to explain and he is not nearly ready to do that. They think that they did a great job raising their children because none of them is in jail.


Edited by lat (05/28/13 12:25 PM)

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#436108 - 05/28/13 04:49 PM Re: Wives...How do you deal with family visits? [Re: lat]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 698
Loc: NJ
Sorry, but who cares if he has to explain it to his parents? THOSE ARE CHILDREN - and your children and even if he can't make good decisions about them right now, YOU HAVE TO.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is harsh. Your in-laws abused a child, their OWN CHILD - so incest is not out of bounds to them. WOULD YOU ALLOW A CHILD MOLESTER TO SLEEP IN YOUR CHILDREN'S HOME if they were not called Grandma and Grandpa?

Your husband gets to dictate his recovery - he does not however get to put your children in harm's way because he is still in denial.

My apologies for being rough but he deserves your support but he also deserves someone who is clearly functioning to be setting reasonable boundaries.

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#436112 - 05/28/13 08:17 PM Re: Wives...How do you deal with family visits? [Re: lat]
lat Offline


Registered: 05/27/13
Posts: 4
You are not being harsh Esposa, I actually agree with you and that's why I don't allow them any unsupervised contact with the kids. I don't have any experience with this type of situation so I don't know if it would cause more harm than good to put my husband in a position where he is forced to confront his parents before he is ready to do so and potentially risk harming both his recovery and our marriage. His parents are very controlling, intrusive people so there is no way they would simply accept my decision of going somewhere else while they are here. I'm sure they would make my husband so miserable that he would either end up having to tell them why (the abuse) or he would end up taking them where I am and therefore I would have to tell them why I don't want them around. Sometimes I wonder if he will ever be able to stand up to his parents, even if he decides to go to therapy someday.

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#436232 - 05/29/13 05:18 PM Re: Wives...How do you deal with family visits? [Re: lat]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 698
Loc: NJ
I was under the impression that your inlaws stayed with you. Do they sleep in the same house?

I want to ask you a question. Have you decided what you will tell your children when they find out that their grandparents sexually abused their father and you let them be around them? Just make sure you know the answer to that question. I would encourage you to not give them a reason to not trust your relationship with them.

You are adults and they don't get to decide where you are and what you are doing with YOUR children. "There is no way they will accept your decision"? Again, who cares?

Your husband's recovery doesn't actually trump your children's safety. It took me awhile to learn this.

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