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#43590 - 05/30/01 08:14 PM I hate myself, i hate my life, i hate what happened.........
gg1978 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/30/01
Posts: 14
What can i say? I'm 22 years old, live in Indiana, and i was sexually molested by my uncle from the ages of 11 to 17. I never have told anyone in my family or friends what happened to me.

I hate myself for not saying anything, for letting this fester inside of me for the past 11 years.. God i hope he didn't do this to any of my other family members or anyone else for that matter.

Not that my parents could've helped me anyway, my mom had 4 nervous breakdown's of varying degrees between 1990 and 1997. The first one in 1990 was the worst, i came home from school, when i walked in the door, she stared at me with the emptiest eyes i have ever seen (catatonia).. She was in the mental instituition for 2 months. My parents couldn't have afforded counciling for me anyway. In 1992, we didn't have Christmas, mom was in the hospital again, and we didn't have food either. Again it happened in 1994 and 1997....

Why does being sexually molested hurt in so many ways? I feel like a broken jar, so many pieces missing, pieces scattered all over the place.

I was a pretty normal kid, didn't have any trouble in school, until it happened... One time i was a good kid, who got good grades and barely ever got into trouble. After it happened, i really changed. The fall after it happened, i started 7th grade, unfortunately some of the juniors and seniors seemed to enjoy calling me obscene names disparaging my sexuality... It all came to a head about 2 weeks later when a junior stopped me in the hall, calling me names in front of a lot of people. I had really had enough of it, i punched him in the stomach, he bent over, then i cracked my fists over his head and he fell to the floor. This was the first of many "disciplinary events" of my school career. People thought i was psycho because of that, but i was popular in school because people knew i didn't take sh#t from anybody. I graduated from high school and college without incident, but i still feel broken inside to this day.

I have such a cold personality, i can make friends, but i don't want them to know what happened to me...

I can't afford counciling now, i have school loans to pay.... Not that it would help anyway....

my email address is goch78@yahoo.com if you want to talk...


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#43591 - 05/30/01 08:30 PM Re: I hate myself, i hate my life, i hate what happened.........
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
Like hating yourself, when you didn't do anything wrong in the first place.
I want to welcome you to this site but then again why? would I want to do that in the first place?
Life is funny like that, but not what happened to all of us, thats come to use this site.
In time I have gotten better with how I feel, and hopefully you may find the same for you.
fmighell Anc Ak


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#43592 - 05/31/01 11:16 AM Re: I hate myself, i hate my life, i hate what happened.........
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
GG,

Welcome to the club, sorry you had to pay the price of admission to get in, but since ya did and your here, welcome! This is a good place, lots of nice people here.

It sounds like you have been to hell and your trying to find your way back, i can really relate to the *broken* feelings, i have had those myself many many times.

I think the one thing that has helped me more than anything else is the work i have done on finding ways to just love myself no matter what. We didn't ask for any of this stuff and it certainly is not our fault, and cus we got stuck with it does not take away anything from who we were before it all happened, i know for me i felt for a long time like it changed me, and you know what, it didnt, what it did do is make me forget i was a good person, it left me with a lot of anger and sadness to work out and it took me a while to get back to remembering that i am a good person and that this is just not my stuff, it was all planted in me by the guy who abused me.

I hope your able to stick around some, talking about the feelings helps lots, if you want to e mail you can get me at johnb@digisec.com ok?

Take care of yourself, inside of you there is a little guy that didnt do anything wrong and he needs some care right now.

I be watching for you,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#43593 - 05/31/01 01:31 PM Re: I hate myself, i hate my life, i hate what happened.........
sean2day Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/01
Posts: 6
Loc: USA
i'm pretty new here myself, but what you wrote gg really resonated with me. i think its normal that we get mad at ourselves for not saying anything, but you have to remember that you were a child when it happened and an adult was hurting you. children expect adults to take care of them (and rightfully so!) not abuse them. kids sometimes think that it is just how things are or that they deserve it somehow- none ofthat is true! so go easy on yourself for not telling. youare doing it now- that is what counts to me. you're getting to it 20+ years before i did (amnesic all that time)- so go easy.

i think it is great that you are working on it now. talkinghere is a good way to start. look forward to hearing more.

sean


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#43594 - 06/01/01 12:26 AM Re: I hate myself, i hate my life, i hate what happened.........
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
gg,

Don't let it upset you, it wasn't your fault. It took me 38 years to finally start to deal with it. I found a good therapist to talk to after a couple of trys and I'm glad I did. I don't care who knows about the abuse that happened to me now, I kept "our little secret" for too many years. All that ever did was protect the abuser and make me feel used, ashamed and unsure of myself. It gets better and you'll be able to look back on this rough time and see how far forward you've come in your life.

Check out groups in your area, sometimes they're hard to find, but it helps to talk and be listened to non-judgementally by others who have been through some of the same types of situations.

Take good care of yourself, you deserve it!

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#43595 - 06/01/01 09:54 AM Re: I hate myself, i hate my life, i hate what happened.........
thunderbolt Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
counseling has been the outlet iv found to work for me, it is suggested through out this site, i dont think eveybody can go to far with out this speaking out thing, i have found it a total bitch to talk about, when it comes to somebody to tell make sure of the trust thing,that will send the demons pronto if your not careful,as far as the dark side your in the club of the never ending war, but for god at least let one person know you exist. get your help and good luck,,,,


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#43596 - 06/03/01 06:53 PM Re: I hate myself, i hate my life, i hate what happened.........
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Take care of yourself, Keep your hands out to recieve love and to give love.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#43597 - 06/03/01 09:22 PM Re: I hate myself, i hate my life, i hate what happened.........
gg1978 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/30/01
Posts: 14
Thanks for your responses, it makes me feel better that i am not alone.... I am so unhappy most days though, i just cant help it.... I've been a pretty calm, rational person for the past few years, but all that calmness goes away when i sleep. The horribly vivid nightmares i have some nights... I have been awoken by these terrifying dreams, sometimes i think they are real... One time i woke up my roommate because i was so scared, i don't know if it was a yell or a scream....... Being tormented by dreams is unavoidable, i can't dream of anything else......


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