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#435302 - 05/20/13 09:43 PM Re: Memories and Scars Left by a Sexual Bully. (LONG) [Re: BraveFalcon]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3433
Loc: O Kanada
that must feel good to get that all out of your system and into the ether.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435761 - 05/25/13 12:13 PM Re: Memories and Scars Left by a Sexual Bully. (LONG) [Re: BraveFalcon]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
Well Brave ( and you are brave sharing as you did), thanks.

I think, like many of us, we experienced peculiar sexual experimentation with siblings or friends which were abusive. My older brother was 2 years older than me. There is no reasonable basis for these experiments without their abuse.

My brother does not remember early experiences of sexual abuse though he believes he was abused. He does remember a photographer when he was maybe 8, he asked if I remembered. Yes, I remember him taking pictures of the three of us with our underwear on our heads. However, we didn't live in the house where I remember the pictures until I was 8, that would make my older brother 10.

Who knows. My older brother always thought that he had been sexually abused and therefore felt that his abuse of me and my younger brother was perfectly natural.

The confusion about abuse is easy to understand. But, the fact is that sexual experimentation that is sadistic, controlling, and violating is abusive. The issue of legal standards of childhood sexual abuse may be a serious question. In most cases, if there is less than two years difference in ages and both are under the age of consent, it is almost never legal sexual assault unless weapons are involved.

But, you are not really exploring legal questions, but emotional and psychological effects. There is no question that what you experienced was childhood sexual abuse. Your confusion may be further conflicted because of social norms of male power versus female power. But that is and always has been a social construct. The whole concept of cognitive dissonance is based on the conflict between social norms and personal experience. And cognitive dissonance is always confusing.

So other than technical and legal bull shit what am I saying?

You were sexually abused.

I, and many of the other people on this site, were also sexually abused, even if it would not meet the legal definitions.

The confusion is something we all deal with on the journey, but for some of us we have been on the journey longer than others. (For example, I have been on the journey and out of total denial for 27 years) Over time we figure out ways to understand be be less confused.

Our stories are all different and we are all the same.

Best of luck on this difficult journey

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#435872 - 05/26/13 12:44 PM Re: Memories and Scars Left by a Sexual Bully. (LONG) [Re: genedebs]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1139
Loc: The ATL

Hi Genedebs. Thanks for the reply.

Originally Posted By: genedebs
Who knows. My older brother always thought that he had been sexually abused and therefore felt that his abuse of me and my younger brother was perfectly natural.


I don't think "perfectly natural" is the right term. What your brother did to you was wrong, just like what T did to me was wrong. Sure, it is fairly typical for sexually abused children to act-out their abuse on other children but that doesn't make it ok. What I guess I'm saying is, T or your brother having been sexually abused themselves explains their behavior but it doesn't excuse their behavior.

Originally Posted By: genedebs
The confusion about abuse is easy to understand. But, the fact is that sexual experimentation that is sadistic, controlling, and violating is abusive.


That's exactly it. It's fairly normal for children to experiment with one another sexually but that's not what happened between T and I. What happened between us was not normal. It was controlling and often outright sadistic. It was sexual bullying, plain and simple. That's what made it abusive.



Originally Posted By: genedebs
There is no question that what you experienced was childhood sexual abuse. Your confusion may be further conflicted because of social norms of male power versus female power. But that is and always has been a social construct. The whole concept of cognitive dissonance is based on the conflict between social norms and personal experience. And cognitive dissonance is always confusing.


Yes, it sure as hell is. frown


Originally Posted By: genedebs
I, and many of the other people on this site, were also sexually abused, even if it would not meet the legal definitions.


So true. It is for this very reason I was reluctant to join MS for a long time and have been reluctant to share my story when posing at other abuse-related sights and forums over the years. Partly because I was ashamed to even consider calling what happened to me abuse when so many others had been abused in the more classic sense. You know, by adults and whatnot. How could I consider these things abuse when they didn't even fit the legal definition of abuse? (Although, the things that happened with the teenagers in CT probably did.) How could these experiences have fucked me up so unbelievably badly when they would be shrugged off by most people has having been "not that bad?" For this reason I have felt at times that I didn't have the right to stand along side other CSA survivors and call myself one of them. My participation here at MS in the last few months has helped me immensely in this regard though.

Anyway thanks again for the reply and thank you for your insight. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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