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#435817 - 05/25/13 11:15 PM Regrets
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
There are times when I get deeply depressed. Not over having been molested. But over the course my life has taken since then. Immersed in guilt over the choices I've made, things I've done, or not done. The people I've hurt, the wreckage I've left in my wake. Maybe because I'm middle aged, and thats when men are supposed to take stock of, and responsibility for, their lives. I'm jealous of the younger men here who are dealing with their CSA now, instead of waiting for 42 years as I did. I wish that I'd had their courage.

I know its a fruitless exercise. The past is gone, I can't change it, can't make up for it, can't always blame my abuser, my parents, or _________ (fill in the blank). I can only live my life differently from this point forward, with all the understanding I've gained about the roots of all my bad choices and behavior. Thats what the self-improvement books all say.

I'm learning to let go of the pain of the CSA experience in my past, but somehow, I just can't seem to let go of the pathetic, miserable 42 years that followed.

Woody Allen is famous for the line: "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else". I can't help wishing.....
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#435819 - 05/25/13 11:21 PM Re: Regrets [Re: Jude]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1212
(((jude)))
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#435820 - 05/25/13 11:26 PM Re: Regrets [Re: Jude]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 412
Loc: USA
Hi Jude, I know we've disagreed on somethings, but on a lot more things you have given me encouragement and words of kindness when I needed it. People don't do that in a vacuum or just on a lark...they do it because inside they have something good to offer. I would bet I am not the first person you have supported here and that counts for something, a lot to me. It means the whole of the 42 years are not wasted, and I bet you will have many more ahead that will far out run the bad or mistakes, whatever they are. So thank you for the times you have helped me, and tried to help me, along my own weird path out of the darkness.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#435821 - 05/25/13 11:27 PM Re: Regrets [Re: Jude]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2974
Loc: O Kanada
i don't know all your details, but i really hope you learn to make the most of what life you have now, and what life you have left to live. the future and the present trump the past.

you deserve to enjoy the rest of your days. give yourself permission to receive what you have already earned. it was yours to begin with.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435828 - 05/26/13 12:09 AM Re: Regrets [Re: Jude]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 758
Loc: upper south
Your 42 years were not wasted, Jude. You gained the experience and the knowledge and the love to step forward and help this tired 55 year old brother who had no other place to turn... and I am headed for the light... stumbling, but you are one of those always there to lift me up. ((((Jude))))
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#435830 - 05/26/13 12:48 AM Re: Regrets [Re: Jude]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 303
Loc: Iowa, USA
Jude,

I can definitely empathize with your feelings on this. It's a difficult exercise when we examine the route our lives has taken us. At the instant we make decisions, we are not always aware of our reasons for doing so, and each moment in time doesn't offer us to opportunity to analyze how that split seconds connects the past to the future. It is only through time, learning, experience, pain, and wisdom that we are able to look back at our lives and see what was not visible to us at the moment we made our decisions. Decisions that at the time seemed right, can appear foolish when viewed years later. We are not able to predict at the time whether any action will lead to misery or happiness. That is only revealed to us years later when the course of our life is viewed as a whole, and not as a series of separate actions.


None of us would have chosen the life we've led if we had been given the choice. However, we've become the leaders and the experts in a way that can't be taught. Our expertise can only be achieved by living it, as hellish as it is. We are the ones who can effect change for future generations. As painful as it is to analyze our own lives and the consequences for our actions, we know that we are the ones who can keep the next generation from being affected by the evil which has changed us forever. When we speak of the wrongs perpetrated upon us, we take away its power. We are the ones who can raise awareness of the number of boys and girls who are forever damaged by SA. We can offer a perspective, and more important, concrete steps to anyone who wants to develop programs and policies which will protect kids. When we use what we've experienced to protect others and protect kids, then good has come from what we've been through. Then we can show our decisions have not been in vain and our lives have not been wasted or ruined. We will be changed and transformed and that will be our reward.

DavO

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#435836 - 05/26/13 04:02 AM Re: Regrets [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Thanks guys. Haven't been this low for a while. But the past is what it is...er..was what it was. I have to live with it, there's no getting away from it. You have to feel sad about the bad times sometimes. Alone again....naturally.

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#435837 - 05/26/13 04:08 AM Re: Regrets [Re: Jude]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3568
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jude,
hang on buddy. There are times when we would like that our past was taken different course but that is something which we can't change. It could be connected to any aspect of our lives, there are so many things for regretting beside abuse no matter on age, so please be aware that you are not alone.
I'm sure you did many things in your life to have reasons to be proud. Sometimes it is much more difficult for us to keep assertive view on ourselves and our lives, unfortunately abuse has left negative self image and we all have problems with it.
Just keep sharing with us and please believe that you have so much to offer to others!

(((Jude)))
_________________________
My story

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#435838 - 05/26/13 04:09 AM Re: Regrets [Re: Jude]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3568
Loc: South-East Europe
I've just seen that I made reply to you post while you were adding this nice but sad music wink
_________________________
My story

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#435857 - 05/26/13 10:44 AM Re: Regrets [Re: Jude]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1049
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Jude

I know its a fruitless exercise. The past is gone, I can't change it, can't make up for it, can't always blame my abuser, my parents, or _________ (fill in the blank). I can only live my life differently from this point forward, with all the understanding I've gained about the roots of all my bad choices and behavior. Thats what the self-improvement books all say.


Hi Jude. Sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm not quite middle aged yet and I already spend a lot of time with regret. A LOT of time. The words you posted above couldn't be any truer though. We can't change the mistakes we've made in the past. We can't un-screw-up some of the things we've screwed-up a we can't un-hurt any of the people we feel we may have hurt. All we can do is go forward with the lessons learned and try not to make the same mistakes again.

The tough part is, at some point we need to be able to stop beating ourselves up constantly and forgive ourselves for things. How do you move forward with the tough lessons you've learned in life and also let go of the shame over the mistakes you've made that taught you those lessons? How do you stop beating yourself up? That's the part I'm not sure I'll ever figure out. If you can find the answer to that question, I'd like to know what it is. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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