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#435914 - 05/26/13 09:03 PM Re: Desensitized To Being Taken Advantage Of? [Re: txb]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL
Hi Guys. Thanks for the replies and the insight.

Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
.......



Eirik, man I really wish you hand't deleted your post. As usual, you had some really insightful and helpful things to say and I wanted to respond to some of it directly but I also wanted to reread it first. If you still have that text saved somewhere I hope you'll consider reposting it. I understand why you had to delete the android stuff but even before you deleted it and wrote a second post to the thread I made sure I worked through the smashed together text to figure out what it said. I always appreciate your insight so much.

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy

I have to say that was without a doubt ASA. Technically you could call it oral rape. You said No...You did! There was penetration. I wouldn't liketo test that ina court of law though. There is still a huge gap in gender equality.


Yeah, there is, although I never would have considered pressing charges or anything like that. She was just some stupid little bitch and I certainly could have said "no" more forcefully and stopped the whole thing but I didn't. I was an adult at the time, after all. Just not one that's good at setting clear boundaries or standing up for himself, that's all.

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
The parallels to your CSA are mind blowingly similar. You were programmed to submit...to a girl. It is seriously history repeating itself.


Yeah, it was. That's why I don't let myself ever get into these types of situations any more. Don't want to risk that the same thing happens. It's just not worth it.

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
While it saddens me that you have no human intimacy nowadays ... I am proud of you for breaking the cycle. We do what we need to do to protect ourselves.


That we do. Also, I wouldn't say I have no human intimacy, just no sexual intimacy. I'm all about a hug and will give and receive said hugs to or from just about anyone who wants them. Just no sexual stuff. It's not safe for me.

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
She is one very pathetic individual.


Ken I owe you an apology. I just realised what a shitty thing that was to say. There is no way that I would think that if the roles were reversed. My Bad!!! I guess the gender bias is very deeply rooted into the way we think in society.

Sorry man.


No apology necessary. She was pathetic. Also a piece of shit. And an idiot.

Here, let me paint a picture for you.... She was 19 years old, heavy set, and could barley speak proper English. She showed up to the party wearing baggy FUBU pants and a yellow LA Lakers jersey. No, she wasn't a black girl. I only bring up her race because I figure some may read about how she was dressed and assume she might be black but she wasn't. Although, if she had been a black girl she may have been able to pull that look off but when you're a fat, dumpy-looking white girl from rural Alabama and you dress like that you just wind up looking ridiculous. Sorry if that's politically incorrect but it's just true.

And that fucking Lakers jersey! LOL! I covertly made fun of her that night by asking her how long she had lived in LA for but of course she hadn't lived there. She had never been west of Alabama. I then asked her if she had any friends or family that lived in LA as if that may have been the reason she was wearing the jersey but of course she didn't. I'm quite certain that if I had asked her, she wouldn't have even been able to name more than one person on the Lakers damn roster and here she was, wearing a Lakers jersey. Again... ridiculous.

If you asked me where I thought she might be today I'd say she's probably living in a trailer park somewhere with about seven kids who all have different fathers that she does't speak to anymore. Not that there is anything wrong with living in a trailer. I've considered moving into one before just because it's so cheap. But I digress...

So, what I guess I'm trying to say is..... yeah, she was pathetic. LOL!

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
It took me almost three months of therapy when I began in November to just say the word- rape.


I'm still not sure I can call what happened that night "rape". Was I sexually assaulted? I suppose. Was I violated? Definitely. I guess I've just always associated the word "rape" with anger, out-right force and physical violence. Sometimes I can be overly semantical with these things though and perhaps I'm doing it here as well.

When the whole thing was over I didn't really feel all that upset about it. It felt icky and dirty and uncomfortable and awkward but I've always felt that way when I've had sex as an adult. (Which fortunately hasn't been all that much.) I always want to get up and run to the shower and clean all the nasty sex film off my skin afterwards. Not that there's any actual film there, but it feels like there is. GROTY!

Originally Posted By: txb
I'm sorry also. What she did was really wrong. But what's with the guy who spoke to you the next morning, he was right there, overhearing the fact you were obviously in trouble and did nothing. And his double standard thing, would he have just sat there and done nothing if it had been some guy doing it to a girl?


No, he probably wouldn't have done nothing. He probably would have piped up and tried to play hero. I'm another dude though and one who shouldn't need fellow dudes to stand up for me when the sexual assailant is a girl. Not that anyone should have. I should have been able to stand up for myself. Although, I kind of can't believe none of those people made it stop by just saying "I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable with y'all doing that right here in the room with the rest of us present. Please stop." Or at least something to that effect anyway.

Does that not speak volumes to how fucked up this chick was though? You know, the fact that she was doing this with several other people around us in the room? Sadly, she was probably a survivor herself. Anyone with that terrible a sense of sexual boundaries probably had their own sexual boundaries set askew somewhere along the line.

Originally Posted By: txb
There definitely ARE people that go through life being taken advantage of. You're not fucked up for not seeing it as a big deal back then, it's really hard to break away from stuff you've been conditioned to do in childhood or in certain situations. That's not your fault. This is something I've been thinking about a lot recently, like about how come I seem to have gotten myself into so many situations where people have taken advantage? And why can't I stand up for myself?


It's amazing how many of us here struggle with the same thing. Sometimes I have that chicken or the egg type debate with myself in my head over whether I'm like this because I was born an innately passive person and that's why I've always let others take advantage of me from the beginning or if the people who took advantage of me in the beginning set me up to be taken advantage of in the future. Or, maybe it's a little bit of both. At the end of the day I suppose it's a moot point because you shouldn't take advantage of other people, regardless of how bad they are at standing up for themselves.

Thanks again guys for the responses and for giving me new thoughts, ideas and insight to digest. I appreciate the support. Take care all. Laters,

Ken

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#435917 - 05/26/13 10:22 PM Re: Desensitized To Being Taken Advantage Of? [Re: BraveFalcon]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1304
...I recollected and reposted my thoughts upon request. This is for my friend Ken. I'm sorry I took it down to begin with...

Ken's post really opens my eyes on many levels. Here we are, damaged goods in a way, yet even WE can't see it sometimes. The social double standards confuse and blind us. And even with the perspective of time and distance, maturity and experience, we STILL miss it. And if I couldn't see it, how the hell did I expect others to at the time? Others like the adults who should have seen it. Others like the guy who molested me. He wasn't stupid, but he was less intelligent than I - could he possibly understand the immense damage he was causing? Or - possibly like that "skanky ho-bag" - maybe he just couldn't see past the intoxicating pulse of his own sexual urge.
_________________________



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#435931 - 05/26/13 11:55 PM Re: Desensitized To Being Taken Advantage Of? [Re: Chase Eric]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric

Ken's post really opens my eyes on many levels. Here we are, damaged goods in a way, yet even WE can't see it sometimes. The social double standards confuse and blind us. And even with the perspective of time and distance, maturity and experience, we STILL miss it. And if I couldn't see it, how the hell did I expect others to at the time? Others like the adults who should have seen it. Others like the guy who molested me. He wasn't stupid, but he was less intelligent than I - could he possibly understand the immense damage he was causing? Or - possibly like that "skanky ho-bag" - maybe he just couldn't see past the intoxicating pulse of his own sexual urge.[/color]


No, he probably couldn't. And it may be that he wouldn't have cared even if he could. The guy who abused you was a serial child molester though. This girl, "some skanky ho-bag", was just some dumb horny bitch who probably thought that she was doing me a favor. Not saying that makes what she did appropriate or ok but in her mind, she was probably thinking that I totally wanted her nasty-ass BJ.

Like I said before, I don't really think that this experience "damaged" me per se. However, that doesn't mean that I wasn't being sexually violated or that what happened wasn't a sexually unhealthy experience. To clarify what I mean by that, here's a little analogy I thought of. I hope this makes sense....

If my sexual self was a city, the CSA events that happened to me in my childhood were like an atom bomb that went off right in the middle of downtown. Pretty much 100% damage to all of the buildings, bridges, roads, and other structures with no civilians left alive. Everything was leveled to the ground. Then, this skanky ho-bag comes along and the things she did by comparison were like a little cruise missile being fired into the heart of that already devastated, leveled and deserted city that had never been rebuilt. How much damage is there? None at all! You can't damage something that is already completely and totally destroyed! HA HA!

Thanks for reposting this Eirik. It means a lot to me and I'm glad to have had your insight. Thanks again to all the others who have taken the time to help with feedback and insight. Take care all. Peace,

Ken

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