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#435750 - 05/25/13 10:25 AM Desensitized To Being Taken Advantage Of?
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1139
Loc: The ATL

Hi guys. I was having a conversation with Matt, (SoccerStar) a few weeks ago and something he said reminded me of something that happened to me in my early adulthood. So, thank you to Matt for making me think to post about this. Thanks Matt! smile

(Possible Triggers)

Many years ago I was at a party for a friend of mine that was graduating college. I think I was 23 or so. At the party there was some chick my buddy had met on the internet. Because I feel it would be disrespectful to use her real name on a public forum I'll simply refer to her as... "some skanky ho-bag."

Anyway, let's just say this chick was 100%, grade-A, Jerry Springer material. She was not attractive in the least and was kind of annoying to boot. She was heavy-set, a little younger than me, (19 I think), and was not the type of person I would normally ever have chosen to hang out or spend time with. That night I was stuck with her though and she zeroed in on me the second she got there.

So, I had been drinking and smoking weed with her and the other people at the party all night. After about 3:00 AM everyone started passing out and I took my spot on a mat on the living room floor. It was dark in the room at that point and there were about 7 or 8 other people in there with me, all passing out on the sofa and love seat and floor.

Not long after I had laid down, this bitch starts rubbing all over me and telling me she wants to fuck. Yeah, right there in the dark room with other people around. I told her I didn't have a condom and she said that didn't matter and that she could still make me feel good. In my normally way to passive fashion, I told her that I wouldn't be able to preform because I was to drunk and stoned instead of just telling the bitch "no." So, she then goes right past the stop signs I was giving her, takes my dick out of my pants and just goes to town.

I'm not exaggerating when I say she probably sucked me for 40-45 minutes before I just said, "Look, I'm sorry. I'm way to drunk for this. I need to pass out." She finally stopped. For that entire 45 minutes or whatever I tried as hard as I could to cum, just so she'd fucking stop and leave me alone but I couldn't. Partly because of CSA issues, partly because I was legitimately way to intoxicated, partly because there were other people in the room which made it even more awkward and partly because she was a disgusting cow.

The funny thing is, one of the other guys who had been in the room that night told me the next day that he thought what happened was to some extent sexual assault. I was totally taken aback by this becasue most young guys would have just been like, "Hellz yeah, you got your dick sucked! High five brah!" Not this guy though. He even brought up the gender double-standard. I'm paraphrasing but he said something to the effect of "Dude, you fucking told her 'no.' That was totally disrespectful of her. If some shit-faced chick told a dude no in that same situation and he went into her pants anyway everyone would have called it rape."

As an adult, I didn't really see it that way and still fail to but perhaps that's just because by then I was so used to being taken advantage of and so used to not having my boundaries respected that I was totally desensitized to it. Could that be what this was? Am I really that fucked up? Was this really a case of me essentially going.. "Yeah, I was totally sexually assulted last night but .... meh, whatever."? I don't know.

Anyway, just something I wanted to share with the rest of the group. This wasn't an event that I felt had a huge impact on my life or anything but perhaps it was a symptom of the patterns of letting others take advantage of me that were established in my childhood. Nothing like that happens anymore though, because now I don't ever put myself in situations where anything sexual could even possibly happen with another person. I stay the hell away and I keep myself safe. Alone, and safe. Take care all. Peace,

Ken

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#435753 - 05/25/13 11:14 AM Re: Desensitized To Being Taken Advantage Of? [Re: BraveFalcon]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1447
.......


Edited by Chase Eric (05/25/13 10:59 PM)
Edit Reason: Corrupted foratting from Android
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Eirik




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#435758 - 05/25/13 11:45 AM Re: Desensitized To Being Taken Advantage Of? [Re: BraveFalcon]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1447
.......


Edited by Chase Eric (05/26/13 10:15 AM)
Edit Reason: Same sentiments already expressed here by others
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Eirik




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#435781 - 05/25/13 04:14 PM Re: Desensitized To Being Taken Advantage Of? [Re: BraveFalcon]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
WOw Ken.

I have to say that was without a doubt ASA. Technically you could call it oral rape. You said No...You did! There was penetration. I wouldn't liketo test that ina court of law though. There is still a huge gap in gender equality. The parallels to your CSA are mind blowingly similar. You were programmed to submit...to a girl. It is seriously history repeating itself. She is one very pathetic individual.

Yes I think being taken advantage of is something we get used to. Not just sex either. I think we can get conditioned to 'go with the flow' in other areas as well...to our detriment.

While it saddens me that you have no human intimacy nowadays ... I am proud of you for breaking the cycle. We do what we need to do to protect ourselves.

As you say

Peace

Lee
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More than meets the eye!

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#435783 - 05/25/13 04:31 PM Re: Desensitized To Being Taken Advantage Of? [Re: BraveFalcon]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3430
Loc: O Kanada
what she did was wrong. having been through many similar situations, i know exactly what you were going through.
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Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435786 - 05/25/13 04:57 PM Re: Desensitized To Being Taken Advantage Of? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
She is one very pathetic individual.


Ken I owe you an apology. I just realised what a shitty thing that was to say. There is no way that I would think that if the roles were reversed. My Bad!!! I guess the gender bias is very deeply rooted into the way we think in society.

Sorry man.

It is eye opening to see that you were being 'taken advantage of' and didn't seem to know or care. I've been there.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#435807 - 05/25/13 10:45 PM Re: Desensitized To Being Taken Advantage Of? [Re: BraveFalcon]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1585
Loc: New England
Dittos for me.

Jude
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Can't be bothered with sorrow
And I can't be bothered with hate, no, no
I'm using up the time but feeling fine every day
That's why I'm telling you
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
Rare Earth

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#435813 - 05/25/13 11:03 PM Re: Desensitized To Being Taken Advantage Of? [Re: BraveFalcon]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Ken,
I am sorry that happened to you. And yes, I would identify that as a definite situation of ASA... rape. No means no... and definitely an incapacitated no means no. At the time, you didn't give it much thought as to being an assault, but your friend did. You say you didn't acknowledge it as such even then, but you were already sensitized to having your body used, to being abused.

Going to beat my personal dead horse, but the ASA I experienced was much the same, only there was no exchange of words. You were drunk and high, you were incapacitated. I was oblivious because of the anesthesia and pain pills, I was incapacitated. You said no. I said nothing. But the law in most states identifies sexual assault and rape as rape if done to the person while that person was in an incapacitated state and could not make sound judgement. Which we were. It took me almost three months of therapy when I began in November to just say the word- rape. And that it happened to me. 5 years after the fact.

Why has it taken you so long to think about it as rape? The same reason it took me almost 5 years to acknowledge my experience as rape. We were conditioned to think we were for the use of someone else. I knew it was wrong, you knew it was wrong for them to do as adults to us, what they did.

I had no idea the impact it had on my life, but it did, it does. Everyday that goes by I think at some point of the fact that someone so disrespected my being as an adult that they raped me for their own satisfaction. It took away what little trust I had established in others, it took away what I had spent years trying to build with self-esteem, awareness, and yatta, yatta.

I just say thank you for sharing your experience. Sexual assault is sexual assault and its effects are forever. Doesn't matter if we are children, teens, or adults. If not for this place, where would we be? And again, I am sorry that has happened to you.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#435824 - 05/25/13 11:33 PM Re: Desensitized To Being Taken Advantage Of? [Re: BraveFalcon]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Ken, I have to agree. You said no and you didn't want to. It was abuse plain and simple.
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#435853 - 05/26/13 10:10 AM Re: Desensitized To Being Taken Advantage Of? [Re: BraveFalcon]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 215
I'm sorry also. What she did was really wrong. But what's with the guy who spoke to you the next morning, he was right there, overhearing the fact you were obviously in trouble and did nothing. And his double standard thing, would he have just sat there and done nothing if it had been some guy doing it to a girl? Sorry, I know this wasn't about him at all. There definitely ARE people that go through life being taken advantage of. You're not fucked up for not seeing it as a big deal back then, it's really hard to break away from stuff you've been conditioned to do in childhood or in certain situations. That's not your fault. This is something I've been thinking about a lot recently, like about how come I seem to have gotten myself into so many situations where people have taken advantage? And why can't I stand up for myself? I'm sorry about what happened, but thanks for posting about it.

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