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#435685 - 05/24/13 09:38 PM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I don't forgive any of the abusers who had me at any time, but I don't hate them either. I've done one confrontation so far, and the deeds done were denied. And I have little interest in wasting the mental energy on the others. Seems they have left me feeling rather ambivalent. All I feel is the crappy after effects that reverberate within.

But I do wonder when I hear of a plane going down or a bridge collapsing if so and so might have been on it. Just a few passive- aggressive thoughts I have for them from time to time.
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For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#435686 - 05/24/13 09:50 PM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: ThisMan]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1286
.......


Edited by Chase Eric (05/27/13 11:39 PM)
Edit Reason: Is there room for dissenting opinions?
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#435693 - 05/24/13 10:24 PM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
Jude Online   content


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1489
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Publius
Is there anyone else out there who feels this way?
Yes sir! I am over much of my agressive anger, but I still would like to see him pay for what he did. No cruel and unusual punishment. castration would do.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#435703 - 05/24/13 10:42 PM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3101
Loc: O Kanada
a lot of abusers are acting our their own revenge fantasy when they abuse others. that is human nature.

humans need to rise above their own nature.
this is why forgiveness ends the cycle of abuse.

forgiveness is one step closer to freedom.
you do not have to condone a crime in order to forgive a criminal.

forgiveness does not mean there will be no judgement, punishment or consequences for the crime.
frogiveness is not a pardon.
forgiveness is not retroactive permission.
the criminal may never know or care that he has been forgiven.

forgiveness is a peaceful state of mind for the victim.
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Victor|Victim

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Love
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#435710 - 05/24/13 11:18 PM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
takingitslow Offline


Registered: 09/12/12
Posts: 58
Loc: UK
I want my perp dead asap. If he doesnt get convicted this year or commits suicide himself I'm not sure what is going to happen. He's a vengeful bastard by nature. Like really sneaky. When the police investigation started against him (instigated by me) he didn't know who was the source for his employer to discipline him for allegations at his workplace. He assumed it was a different lad so this other lad gets a fake letter through the post saying you have been fired don't bother coming to work again. This letter was handed to the police but unfortunately no finger prints were found.

Bascially I think my perp is the ultimate selfish deluded piece of shit and as long as he is alive he will look to disrupt my life in any way possible. I won't be pushed around by him in person ever again he causes me daily mental trauma so fuck him I'd love to smash his face in break every bone in his body but just having him dead will suffice.

Like right now I'm depressed beyond belief, got an exam in 4 hours which i'm screwed for because I'm in so much hopeless sadness and empty pain which just subtly hurts due to the anti depressants- like I know Im in pain I'd rather have angry pain so I can respond to it, instead I'm left with yearning for a better immediate life which is impossible, the pain of falling for a girl I live with and can't act out on even though she's interested due to all my crap/shit going on right now. It's so painful watching your life not reach potential knowing you just have to take it not working out then in the future it might get better only for you to then regret the what ifs and buts.

Dan

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#435713 - 05/24/13 11:27 PM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
I have thought a great amount of time about killing my abuser. Weighing the consequences, ect. Fantasizing about putting a bullet in his head. So yes, I have thought about hurting my abuser, in great detail. But I'd never really kill him, but if there were no laws, I most definitely might have by now. Assaulting him? Perhaps, if I ever see him in person I might go berserk. Most I can do is build up the strength and stability to take him to court and have him face legal justice. He underestimated me, he will pay one way or another, I am a fighter.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#435724 - 05/25/13 01:36 AM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 315
Loc: Iowa, USA
*** Trigger Warning***

I was abused by several different people in my youth and adolescence. One instance occurred during a camping trip in the mountains of Colorado. The perp was a long time family friend. The following morning all of us on the trip attended Mass. My abuser in this case was not a priest. During Mass I had to give my abuser the Kiss of Peace. Those of you who are Catholic understand what this is. During the Kiss of Peace, my abuser whispered into my ear " No one will ever believe you." I become enraged at that moment and just wanted to start screaming and yelling. I wanted to punch the perp's f***ing lights out. I thought in my head - "Kiss of Peace? How about I cum all over you like last night? Would that be good? We could call it the Cum of Peace." Instead of letting it out, I just had to hold it inside and seethe with anger. When Mass was over, I put on my running gear and went for a long run. I just kept running and running and running. I was gone for over two hours and ran over 12 miles that day. I had to run that long to exhaust myself so I would be too tired to feel anything. I did that every day until I could return home. My perp died about 10 years after that incident. When I heard he died, I didn't feel sorry for his family at all. Instead I felt a sense of relief, a sense of freedom knowing that he could never hurt me again. To answer the question, yes, I hated him, and wanted to beat the s*** out of him.

DavO.

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#435739 - 05/25/13 08:41 AM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1093
Loc: The ATL

Hi Publius. You certainly aren't crazy. Your anger is valid and it is justified. I personally don't even remember what my first abusers looked like. I'm not even 100% sure who they were or how they knew me. I only remember what they did. I gave up being angry at any of them a long time ago though. I still live with a lot of internal anger, although I don't think much of that is necessarily over having been abused. A lot of it does stem from the after effect of the abuse but is not directed at the abusers themselves. Maybe those two things are part in parcel to one another in some weird way though, I don't know.

Anyway, this is something I just posted in another thread. Excuse the lazy copy and paste but the exact same words apply in this thread, so I'm copying and pasting away...

"The decision to forgive or not is something that is very personal and very unique to each CSA survivor. If a CSA survivor decides to forgive their abuser, it should be done for their own benefit and not for the abuser's. Again, the abuser does not deserve to be forgiven! Don't ever listen to anyone who tells you that you need to forgive! Listen only to yourself and whatever conclusion you ultimately arrive at regarding forgiveness is the right one. What that conclusion is does not and will not make you any better or worse of a person."

So, yeah, that's pretty much how I feel about it. I will say that I can completely relate to one part of your post more than anything else though.....


Originally Posted By: Publius



I ALWAYS feel like I'm taking crazy pills!!!! Maybe someone is slipping them in our drinks!!!..... eek

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#435769 - 05/25/13 02:07 PM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1286
Quote:
I want to beat him to death with a baseball bat. I sometimes fantasize about running into him at a bar and just beating him with my fists. The son of a bitch took everything away from me as a child when I didn't even stand a chance. Fuck him. Is there anyone else out there who feels this way?

.......


Edited by Chase Eric (05/27/13 11:39 PM)
Edit Reason: ........no?
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#435790 - 05/25/13 05:51 PM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1169
Loc: New York
A friend of mine here at MS directed me to this thread just so I can throw in my 2 cents.

I was abused for 9 years 7 of those with my judo teacher. My parents were always in Florida and left me at home alone more or less. I don't know my history before the age of 10 so my story is from age 10 to 18 when I went into the USAF.

This man who was my judo teacher became my surrogate father so I will refer to him here as sfather. He was the father I never had I loved him. I met him when I was 12 and a very good judo student with lots of competition wins. He came to the other school that he worked for and took great interest in me. I became his student. We trained 12, 14 hours on a saturday and another 15 during the week I would sleep in his apartment when I went to practice in the city school.

Yes there was sex between us but I thought that kids had sex with their fathers. I was very happy with him. He took me to the NY World's Fair so many times I was probably in every pavilion 3 times if not more. I was in all the museums in NYC so many times I lost count. There were always presents. I truly think that we loved each other.

But he did pimp me out to people. Not to trash but to from my perspective very rich people. I was delivered to a john like a Domino's Pizza. These johns were never physically abusive with me. After I was done for the night sfather would pick me up and bring me down to his other apartment where other boys he had slept. There were 4 or us in that apartment 2 boys my age were real hardened street kids (I was 13 at the time) They weren't my type. Then there was a third kid, Bobby was his name, that was about a year and a half younger than me whose older brother was one of those 2 street kids. We all slept on a 6'x6' mattress on the floor. Both Bobby and I were gay kids and we fell for each other the first time we met when I was 12. These were the happiest 7 years of my life. The johns were no big deal they were nice and always gave us a five. We never saw any money given to sfather.

When I was 14-1/2 sfather took me to a tailor so I could get the nehru jacket I always wanted. It took him weeks to fit a pair of pants, shirt and the jacket. Me having to be naked to try on matching underwear. At the end of this all he asked me if I wanted to do commercials or even be in movies. He said I was a very handsome muscular boy just the size they needed. I said yes. He told me that when I come home from school on Tuesday to get off at the bus stop next to Wetson's (just like McDonalds) and call him and someone would pick me up. I was picked up and climbed into the front seat. I said hi but the driver told me to look down at the floor and not out the windows. So as I looked down at the floor boards he gave me a backhand into my face, He grabbed me by the hair and threw me to the floor. I was bleeding, hurting and I knew I was in trouble.

To make a long story shorter I had to call every Tuesday when I got off the bus. They would take me into the house from the car in the closed garage door and give me something to drink. It made me feel extremely funny. They would take me into a room with a bed and take off all my cloths. There were a bunch of cameras and they were all rolling. They would take all sorts of pictures like me jerking off or playing with other kids my age or being fucked by some huge muscled bodybuilder. Then one week they brought me into that room and told me to strip and start jerking off while I'm standing. Then they bring in two little kids about 6 (???) years old. A girl and a boy and they tell them to jerk me off and tell them what to do which I will not say here. They tell the kids to get on the bed and then tell me to get on the bed. They lay the girl on her back with someone holding her hands above her head and tells me to fuck her. I hesitate and they start hitting me until finally I say no I can't. They push the girl, now crying, to the side of the bed. They then say that the kid is a faggot so give him the boy. They lay the boy, same age, on his back and someone kneels on his arms and hold his legs up and open and tells me to fuck him. I hesitate again and they start hitting me even worse this time and again I say no I can't. The beating stops and we're all crying. Instantly they flip me on my back and tie my hands to the two corners of the bed. They stick a rod up my ass and tie my legs to the other two sided os the bed. Then the tingling starts and at first feels kinda OK sort of a tingling in your privates. The tingling turns into an unbearable something tearing me apart inside my body. After it stopped they got me up got me showered, gave me something to eat and laid me down in front of a TV. After I got myself back together again they got me dressed and warned me that I better make sure that I call next week.

I came the next week and they immediately stripped me and brought me into a room with a movie screen and projector and a bunch of people. There was one guy who told me to sit in a chair in the middle of the room. They turn the movie on and it's the movie of last weeks “show”. This time I'm the main actor and the guy telling me what's happening has this rod and he's brushing it all over my body while telling me that I should be a good boy and listen to your elders. Then the scene with the two little kids and then me with the rod up my ass, screaming in agony with every fiber of every muscle sticking out of my body. While this is happening he slides the rod between my cheeks and the chair back and forth while he tells me that he can blow me up with this.

The last part of the film is where they untie me and carry me out of the room. He asks me again if I'm going to be a good boy. I tell him yes. About 3 weeks later I tried to commit suicide.

Getting to the theme of this thread all I can say is that I love sfather even though now I know that not only did he pimp me but it was he that sold me to those movie people. Do I hate the movie people? That's a hard question? I don't think that I have any feeling for them, they only beat me. But I hate me for what I did to kids over the next year so I didn't even get to hatting anyone else. I have flashbacks of these kids I have nightmares where all these kids are chasing me and only want to kill me. When they are trying to subdue me I'm thrashing around in my bed. Finally as they catch me and hold me down to kill me I wake up.

I think that the hate I have for myself for what I did and from what I see here of guys fucked up because they were molested by pervs when they were very young and to see the lives they now live because of people like me makes it so hard to even think about loving myself or hating anyone else.

I'm sorry for the long post but maybe it might help someone or maybe even help me by getting it off my chest.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
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Stick around, It will get better....

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