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#435688 - 05/24/13 10:11 PM Re: Sigma's about telling people you were molested? [Re: little big man]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Twenty years ago, I spoke publicly regarding my CSA to a group. It was well received and forgotten by them as quickly as possible, I assume. I did receive one anonymous card in the mail later which thanked me for sharing because they had experienced CSA and had never talked about it.

Based upon the comment from Dark Empathy's posting..

"...bad reactions, especially from those who are certain that only women have the right to be victims of abuse."

I have to agree that it seems that people are much more comfortable that only women/girls be the victim, including therapists. This is an incredibly damaging and unfair bias to the male clients from within the profession which is supposed to help ALL clients.

In my lifetime I have utilized the services of three female therapists. One outright asked if I had desires for children because my chosen profession was that of teacher, one suggested repeatedly she would have to report to the police anything I might disclose to her involving the hurting of another- and this was the first visit, and the last one just thought at times it was a joke to be male and to be raped.

So, yeah. I have felt the sting of the stereotype of being the abused = becoming the abuser. Or less than male because I was raped. By professionals. By Therapists. So, to echo what was said before, I also, am discerning with what I say and how I say it.


Edited by ThisMan (05/24/13 10:14 PM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#435691 - 05/24/13 10:18 PM Re: Sigma's about telling people you were molested? [Re: ThisMan]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1489
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: ThisMan
In my lifetime I have utilized the services of three female therapists. One outright asked if I had desires for children because my chosen profession was that of teacher, one suggested repeatedly she would have to report to the police anything I might disclose to her involving the hurting of another- and this was the first visit, and the last one just thought at times it was a joke to be male and to be raped.

All three of them should be run out of the profession. Look for you state board that licenses therapists, and find out how to lodge a complaint. Just my opinion.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#435715 - 05/24/13 11:36 PM Re: Sigma's about telling people you were molested? [Re: little big man]
Happythoughts Offline


Registered: 05/12/13
Posts: 19
My takeaway: I spent 25 years in silence. F them if its too uncomfortable. Right?


I love this .. thanks mattheal

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#435729 - 05/25/13 03:45 AM Re: Sigma's about telling people you were molested? [Re: little big man]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
@This man, that is horrendous, yet I'm afraid I'm not surprised. I remember one chap who posted a story in the female abuse survivers room saying he'd lost his job as a teacher when it was found out a woman had raped him, and I mentioned my own experience with an angry feminist before.

One other tactic I've used for discussing abuse, which in some ways feel a copout, but in others is a good way to protect myself is "I've done some research and ----" this lets me discuss male sa in general, especially with strangers, indeed I once had a taxi driver who told me himself about volunteering at an abuse recovery center and meeting both male and female survivers, and though I didn't want to admit to this man given that I was sitting in his taxi and had only just met him, saying "I've done some research and" did let me point out ms to him and let him know I knew without revealing my own involvement.

Obviously something like that wouldn't work in an alanon meeting, but in disclosure generally it's something I've found helps.

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#435742 - 05/25/13 09:22 AM Re: Sigma's about telling people you were molested? [Re: little big man]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1093
Loc: The ATL

I've only disclosed to a handful of people in my life for many of these same reasons. Mostly because I'm afraid of how people will view me after the disclosure. Also because I'm afraid of my experiences being minimized and trivialized. That second reason is something that actually has happened when I've disclosed to people and it not only severely pissed me off but also scared me away from further disclosures.

So, only a few life long friends and family members know about my past and I'm going to keep it that way. I honestly want to "like" MS on Facebook but I don't because then people would see it on my page and I'm afraid it would raise eyebrows. (I do follow MS on Twitter but that's only because none of my RL friends know I'm on Twitter or follow me there.)

Originally Posted By: Happythoughts
My main thing about being abused and how I am now, is I would rather kill myself than have another human being to go thru what I or us are going thru now.. what I'm saying I couldn't abuse some kid and live with myself like the perp that did what he did to me


QFT! Peace,

Ken

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#435759 - 05/25/13 11:53 AM Re: Sigma's about telling people you were molested? [Re: little big man]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Love this thread because I recently disclosed (last week!) in an al anon meeting in my first qualification that I am dealing with abuse issues in addition to al anon issues. Like Happythoughts wrote:

F them if its too uncomfortable.

I am interested in healing. For me, that means healing family emotional abuse, addictions and sexual abuse. It is most definitely a gigantic part of my story and I've tried to manage it by myself for too long. If someone doesn't like me talking about it, that is their problem. However, I don't go to al anon to recover from sex abuse - I keep that clear. I go there for family issues and tell people the truth about myself. That is all I can do but I don't put this identity as an abuse survivor upfront in that room. It is a part of my story in there but not the focus.

What has changed for me is my expectations after disclosure. Most people don't want to talk about it but they want to talk to me. They feel more comfortable around me because I am more comfortable simply admitting it and not forcing anyone who isn't qualified to meet my needs around my abuse issues. I don't force anyone to be better at dealing with it than they are; I now look for people who are also in the process of healing or healed or professionals with training who want to help. And some friends I am slowly making. I don't go to the wrong people for support so much anymore.

Saying "F" the ones who are uncomfortable is maybe a little unclear. I say "F" the ones who are uncomfortable and then want to displace their discomfort on me. I mean it - "F" them and their baggage. The ones who don't want me to talk about it can go to hell or go to a different meeting. Again, to stress though, I am not interested in bashing anyone over the head with it either. It is MY disclosure, for MY benefit. That is a new way for me to live.

Thanks so much for starting this thread. Disclosing is a stage and learning how and when to do it are super important.


Edited by EdfromNYC (05/25/13 11:56 AM)
Edit Reason: added more
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#435881 - 05/26/13 02:45 PM Re: Sigma's about telling people you were molested? [Re: little big man]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
I also find that when I share I may project my past experiences with telling on the present. Others may not be reacting with disbelief, prejudice etc...

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#435885 - 05/26/13 03:54 PM . [Re: little big man]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/22/13 04:20 PM)

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#435935 - 05/27/13 03:05 AM Re: Sigma's about telling people you were molested? [Re: little big man]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
I think it is important to let people know about this and like others have said most times there are others that are survivors also. Your speaking up give them a chance to also tell.

Tom
_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#435963 - 05/27/13 11:28 AM Re: Sigma's about telling people you were molested? [Re: little big man]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
I have been speaking up about how csa has affected me in about the last three alanon meetings. It is so powerfull. Helps me to stop taking the blame and to stand up straght. Scary also.

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