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#435651 - 05/24/13 09:29 AM Emotional (not actual) divorce under way [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Well, so much for allies in healing.

The last 6 weeks or so have been a living hell. Here's the basic narrative I get from my wife:

Everything is my fault. Whenever anything cannot be found, i lost it - or stole it. I am "defensive" if I ever deny that. I can't do anything right. I'm like a baby, except when I'm like a teenager. I can't be trusted to make new friends - women or men - because I'm so vulnerable and "have confused sex for affection" (sic). I can't be trusted to go to a support group because all abuse victims turn out to be crazy pedophiles and they will take my fingerprints off the desk and take pictures if my car license plate and find where I live to kill our children. And by the way, all abuse victims turn out to be crazy pedophiles. I have to stop going to therapy because its annoying and keeps me from moving on.

I singlehandedly introduced lies and secrets into our marriage by not telling her about the abuse and pills, even though it was at a stage where I was less than a month into recall, when I couldn't process it or say it out loud, when I FAINTED ONTO THE FLOOR of my psychiatrist's office, and when I knew it was less than 10 days before our anniversary - and then Sandy destroyed our house and I didn't want to burden her with one more problem. All of the above was totally selfish of me. I am completely self-centered in my recovery and don't take her own trauma about the CSA seriously (even though everything she's asked for - telling her parents before mine, telling her best girlfriend - has happened).

We have sex about every 10 days if I'm lucky. She will usually ask for it, then begin her comedy routine - baby voiced, smiling - about how repulsive I am, how nobody else wants sex as much as I do and there's something wrong with me, how she wants to sleep through it, how I should go away and find another wife and respect her right to be asexual. She will not kiss me or look at me during. She will not MOVE. I have to move her into position, which inevitably leads to hurting an ankle or a knee, which I could only have possibly done on purpose. She demands oral every time. She hasn't given me that in 3 months. She denies it has been 3 months and says I should never ask for it again, that when it "feels natural" she'll surprise me with it. That it feels unnatural to me to go without while I am giving is meaningless. She demands footrubs nightly. I have asked for a backrub for the last 4 weeks and get turned down every time with as much sneering revulsion as if it were a blowjob - she's "not in the mood" even to TOUCH me. If any of the above hurts my feelings, then I am a baby and my lack of self-confidence is a huge turn-off.

She stores up things to complain and criticize about DURING SEX and if I protest this or try to disengage its just a sign of how the CSA messed me up and left me a baby forever, because no other man on Earth would be hurt by such treatment.

If I compliment her looks, it means I thought she used to look bad. I'm always "looking at her funny" - even when I'm NOT LOOKING AT HER AT ALL - and if I say I'm not looking at her, "oh so you think I'm ugly!"

If I say "whatever you say, okay, it's my fault, Im sorry, please just stop," she doesn't stop. If I ask her to apologize for making me cry, she doesn't (or she does it with an exasperated sigh and eyeroll).

I shut off one bedroom light last night. "MATT YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY I HATE WHEN YOU DO THAT TURN THE FUCKING LIGHT BACK ON!" When I conplained about that I was being a defensive child because she'd immediately beforehand turned the light on and then I instantly shut it off (when actually it had been in for HOURS) and she had actually politely asked me to please turn it back on and my recollection of events from just 45 seconds earlier was a lie. But we shouldn't "fight", so I should stop complaining so much. Oh, and my protests mean I "see her as the enemy," which hurts her feelings.


A long long long long long time after her abusive tantrums and successfully breaking me down, she'll say "you know I've been under so much stress, I'm hormonal, I'm cutting down on the breastfeeding, I'm worried about money." Maybe maybe she might even say sorry.

But she never stops herself. Never avoids the situation. Never filters or defuses herself.

I am the primary caregiver for both children. I do all the cleaning, I send out all the bills on time, I don't do drugs and have never cheated or acted out. When it looked for all the world like she was about yo have her 2nd miscarriage in 4 months I held her and rocked her and cried with her and told her it wasnt her fault and I'd stay with her forever without kids if it didnt work. Well it did eventually work. Both kids love me more. Our 4yo son says this routinely. I punish him for this, I give him time-out and stern talks and yell, but he says if you should tell the truth that's the truth. He loves me more because my wife was deathly ill for over a year from her pregnancy, when he was 2.5-3.5, and I was his SOLE caregiver then, and she missed out on the most important personality-building stages. This is terribly unfair but it's NOT MY FAULT.

I've explained the manner in much more detail to my psychiatrist, my T, and the rabbi who officiated at our wedding (and who knew my wife 20 years before I did and is a very close friend of the family - and btw is a woman). The psychiatrist and the rabbi feel divorce is inevitable. The T is practicing stern confrontation tactics with me just like we practiced disclosing the CSA to my parents. But she also warns that I can't confront her until after the breastpumping-weaning-cessation hormones have totally vanished, which could take weeks.

I don't really want to look at my wife anymore. I don't want to have sex with her, even though I DO, because I don't trust her around me when I am vulnerable and intimately "open". Have started to believe she truly likes hurting me. Half expecting her to start hitting me. She is very successfully pushing me out of love. For Fathers Day I had initially planned to ask for wild sex fantasy fulfillment. More recently I was thinking of asking for marriage counseling. As of last night I couldn't even think of asking her for anything anymore or plausibly see myself as important enough in her eyes to get it.

Last night I "attempted" again. Attempted you-know-what. Didn't break the skin. Like the other 4 times (with thst method; there was a 5th with another) I was in a dream-like state and just found myself set up, in position, and ready to go. I hadn't had A THOUGHT of "attempting" since I'd started treatment. It was an alien, different, unthinking version of "me." Well obviously now he's back and one of my clearest indications of progress and stability is ruined. I can't concentrate at work at all and am constantly miserable.

Our anniversary was in November. It was one of the happiest nights of my life. We were perfect for each other, perfect even with our flaws. THE VERY NEXT NIGHT was when she found my pills and all this emasculating cruelty took roost in her heart. Talk about a sign that things were over.

She's had periodic upswings, I've mentioned them here before, but there's always a down. And I can't deal with the down anymore, not a down this deep. I still do everything for her and the kids that I ever did. She is the one who has changed. I no longer care about her hormones or breastfeeding or job or other excuses. There is no excuse for abuse.

The last 2 weeks I have had devastating bouts of crying - both in and out of T's office - at the realization that of the two people I most often envision having intimate contact with me - my wife and my rapist - only the latter seemed attracted to me, saw me as sexy and desirable. And that desire nearly killed me at the time and nearly drove me to s**c*d*e later. None of the two people I think of most from an intimate contact perspective give a shit about my feelings, my dignity, my happiness, or my fair treatment. But only one of them saw something desirable in me. I have never cried more wildly, more uncontrolled to the point of vomiting, over anything as much as that realization. That I cannot be desired and cared for and valued.

That even if we stay together, in my heart we are divorced. It wouldn't surprise me if she were deliberately trying to provoke me to taking that step - to being the one who had to say it - so that she gets to be the "goodguy" of the story to her friends.

All I ever wanted in my life was her, she was the only woman to ever love me back, we had 4 years of heaven together. And I could stay with her and be happy with her forever if just she'd treat me like she used to. But she never will. I can't see her ever doing it. I can feel part of myself starting to emotionally divorce her, almost can't stop it, you CAN reach a point of no return. With feelings this bad, sometimes you can't come back.

He ruined me. He ruined us. He ruined everything. And WE ARE, ALL OF US, STILL PAYING HIS SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE BENEFITS.


Matt

_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#435655 - 05/24/13 11:00 AM Re: Emotional (not actual) divorce under way [Re: SoccerStar]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Matt,
I'm so sorry that you are felling so hurt frown
I really would like that there are no such situations but unfortunately we can't live completely isolated and alone.

Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
Everything is my fault. Whenever anything cannot be found, i lost it - or stole it. I am "defensive" if I ever deny that. I can't do anything right. I'm like a baby, except when I'm like a teenager. I can't be trusted to make new friends - women or men - because I'm so vulnerable and "have confused sex for affection" (sic). I can't be trusted to go to a support group because all abuse victims turn out to be crazy pedophiles and they will take my fingerprints off the desk and take pictures if my car license plate and find where I live to kill our children. And by the way, all abuse victims turn out to be crazy pedophiles. I have to stop going to therapy because its annoying and keeps me from moving on.

Unfortunately with healing and therapy some our issues seem much bigger and like seen trough microscope, I don't know why is so but that is how it is. You wrote it here very straight forward and it is visible that anxiety, fragility, fears and all other regular negative emotions that we survivors have as scars of abuse left are present. Even it seems so terrible at the moment be sure that those emotions would settle after some time. At least that is how it is with me. When process starts it is really hellish and nothing can help much to feel better but with some times suddenly I'm much stronger and not so vulnerable.

Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
I singlehandedly introduced lies and secrets into our marriage by not telling her about the abuse and pills, even though it was at a stage where I was less than a month into recall, when I couldn't process it or say it out loud, when I FAINTED ONTO THE FLOOR of my psychiatrist's office, and when I knew it was less than 10 days before our anniversary - and then Sandy destroyed our house and I didn't want to burden her with one more problem. All of the above was totally selfish of me. I am completely self-centered in my recovery and don't take her own trauma about the CSA seriously (even though everything she's asked for - telling her parents before mine, telling her best girlfriend - has happened).


Many times we don't have capacity to bear much more beside own issues. Please don't be so hard on yourself saying that you were self centered about your recovery (to be honest I don't think that could be different), rather give to self hug and be proud how much you endured on your own.
Unfortunately as many survivors are living with their spouses/families own issues impacts group dynamics. And it is very complex situation when we can't get support but rather fights for being in focus and attention. It is no wonder that many couples have mutual issues connected to codependency. Many times spouses/partners of survivors need to find themselves trough this process and to learn to be on their own. It is no wonder that many of them also need therapy. I think that you should consider talking with your wife about it...

Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
She stores up things to complain and criticize about DURING SEX and if I protest this or try to disengage its just a sign of how the CSA messed me up and left me a baby forever, because no other man on Earth would be hurt by such treatment...

...A long long long long long time after her abusive tantrums and successfully breaking me down, she'll say "you know I've been under so much stress, I'm hormonal, I'm cutting down on the breastfeeding, I'm worried about money." Maybe maybe she might even say sorry.
But she never stops herself. Never avoids the situation. Never filters or defuses herself.

I don't know what to say on all this. I couldn't handle such direct involvement into such vulnerable moment and matter. I would feel that my trust is heavily shaken at least.
Such toxic remarks can't been justified under any condition and I see it as clear evidence of her problems frown
You know denial is also very efficient defensive mechanism that keeps us closed and not dealing with own issues.

Originally Posted By: SoccerStar

I am the primary caregiver for both children. I do all the cleaning, I send out all the bills on time, I don't do drugs and have never cheated or acted out. When it looked for all the world like she was about yo have her 2nd miscarriage in 4 months I held her and rocked her and cried with her and told her it wasnt her fault and I'd stay with her forever without kids if it didnt work. Well it did eventually work. Both kids love me more. Our 4yo son says this routinely. I punish him for this, I give him time-out and stern talks and yell, but he says if you should tell the truth that's the truth. He loves me more because my wife was deathly ill for over a year from her pregnancy, when he was 2.5-3.5, and I was his SOLE caregiver then, and she missed out on the most important personality-building stages. This is terribly unfair but it's NOT MY FAULT.

I must say this is the most hurtful part of your story in my eyes. Please never punish your kids because they are felt like they are. It is something natural as breathing the air. Kids are telling only the true and they are not guilty for such complex situation. And neither you are. It is unimaginable for me to see wife/mother who has own issues on plate in front of her above children needs. I mean the thing that your kids at the moment need the most is love, nothing more. And if your wife can't sense and fulfill her the most important role there can't be more apparent evidence than you all need some help.
You have to think on counseling not just for you and your wife but because of your kids frown

Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
I don't really want to look at my wife anymore. I don't want to have sex with her, even though I DO, because I don't trust her around me when I am vulnerable and intimately "open". Have started to believe she truly likes hurting me. Half expecting her to start hitting me. She is very successfully pushing me out of love. For Fathers Day I had initially planned to ask for wild sex fantasy fulfillment. More recently I was thinking of asking for marriage counseling. As of last night I couldn't even think of asking her for anything anymore or plausibly see myself as important enough in her eyes to get it.


It is natural that you are feeling so vulnerable and like loosing your trust. It is good that you are thinking on marriage counseling. Please think more how to be more demanding about it and how to make clear limit toward such issue. Such thing shouldn't be negotiable as life goes on meaning more problems in future, so there is no time to loose.
Maybe you could talk with your T about it and even set up some strategy?

It is no wonder that all pairs have problems in marriages, we are so complex and fragile beings.
The most important question is how do open our eyes and to start to behave constructively in looking for solutions. No one is perfect and it is not shame to admit that some help is needed...
_________________________
My story

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#435681 - 05/24/13 07:26 PM Re: Emotional (not actual) divorce under way [Re: SoccerStar]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 184
I'm really sorry. This hurts just to read it, I can't imagine how it feels to live it. You are a totally awesome person and you don't deserve any of this.

You might want to punch me for saying this, but I don't think you can blame him for this. It just seems like if it wasn't the whole disclosure thing it would have been something else. If it was the other way round and you found out she'd been abused you wouldn't treat her like this. You wouldn't even treat someone you hated like this. It seems like it's just a convenient excuse for her and she's using it to push you till you can't take any more and you leave. Even if your wife is going through some crazy period of depression it's still wrong for her to be doing what she's doing to you. It's still abusive, even if it's caused by a hormone problem.

You are doing really great with the abuse stuff, you are doing everything right. I think everyone here really admires you for the way you are dealing with it. Please don't think it's all ruined just because of one slip up. I don't think it's a thing that goes perfectly from A to B. It seems like there are tons of bumps and setbacks along the road.

I know this probably doesn't really mean much, since it's just the internet, but we care about you and value you. I wish I could say something great to help you out like you've helped me, but I don't know what to say. Just that I'm sorry.

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#435708 - 05/24/13 11:14 PM Re: Emotional (not actual) divorce under way [Re: SoccerStar]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 323
Loc: NY
Matt:

You have a lot going on. You, and your wife.

Sometimes when we are in the middle of those things that are causing us so much trouble, finding the cause of all the pain seems paramount. The problem with that is that the pain must be dealt with first. There has to be caring before looking at hard truths. And the real causes of things don't reveal themselves to us until we are strong enough to bear them and have enough support. Even though you and your wife had that at one time, you are having a hard time giving that to each other now.

Please take care of yourself.

It's also okay to ask those you love to take care of themselves.

Hoping the best for you and your family.

Focused
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#436084 - 05/28/13 02:16 PM Re: Emotional (not actual) divorce under way [Re: SoccerStar]
Mulligan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 94
Loc: USA
A principal that I have found throughout my recovery:

Generally people with issues do not marry people who don't have issues. Generally the issues (whether known or not) are what makes up the chemistry of attraction. So when one person starts working on and recognizing their issues (like recovery) it tends to highlight the other persons issues. Behavior that was once acceptable to the boundryless is now not acceptable. It greatly throws the relationship out of balance. This seams like a tremendous chaos and is a very very painful process. Be careful not to become so fatalistic. Whoever you are you have value and your life can exist on a satisfying level outside of where you are now. Never give up the fight.
_________________________
Because I never give up the fight!

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