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#435520 - 05/22/13 10:00 PM lies are crazier than I could have ever imagined
remaininghopeful Offline


Registered: 12/30/12
Posts: 23
Things have been really bad with my husband since last year, after we had a baby. Triggered to acting out, cheating with a lot of women, drinking, disappearing, quitting school and just hell. Our beautiful son is 16 months old. I'm going to Al Anon and get support here. And really thought that if my husband eventually got help, and if we got marriage counseling, perhaps I could get past all of the bad behavior because I understand and have compassion. But then I found out how deep the lies went. He made up a whole life for himself. He led me to believe he was 6 years older than he is, which means I married him when he was only 19 and I was 32. He lied about going to college, living in other countries, jobs, friends, girlfriends, so many things. I can't even begin to process any of the lies. And kept it up for over 5 years to someone he spent every day and night with, who was his closest friend, and wife. I believe he did love me (as much as he could) but can't believe anything else. I think he may suffer from deep mental problems, perhaps borderline personality disorder as well as his PTSD, but I am no doctor. He's moved out and I don't think there's any way to stay married after knowing this. But I'm really worried that if someone can lie like this, perhaps I shouldn't trust him with the baby. He loves him and would do anything for him, and hasn't been dangerous to anyone but himself. But I fear the baby could be a victim of collateral damage in all of this craziness. A lawyer I spoke to today told me to breathe and thinks that we can separate/divorce without going to court, while my closest friend and employer feels he is a danger and I shouldn't let him near me or the child. I will do anything to protect my son, and while I feel horribly betrayed and have no trust, without making things really ugly, I don't know how I could keep him from watching his son or spending time with him. Nor do I even know if I want to do that. Has anyone experienced anything like this? It's a like a bad movie of the week, I got seriously conned by the love of my life and do not know how best to protect myself and my baby moving forward.

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#435589 - 05/23/13 06:02 PM Re: lies are crazier than I could have ever imagined [Re: remaininghopeful]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Dearest RemainingHopeful

I feel for you, your story resounds as my own.

I would apply to the legal and social system for supervised visits even only on the grounds of his drinking. Do not put your little one in harms way, even if its proved to only be percieved.

The father of my children is also a survivor, but he is not a thriver. He sees the children when he has to. Doesn't support them financially but lives the life of a wealthy single bacholor. Its only been a few months and the children don't want to go to him. They question his lifestyle and Christian morals. Its sad to see.

I don't see a self absorbed survivor or any self absorbed person for that matter, sticking around for their children. I know my ex will vanish soon and from what you have discribed I'm sure yours will to. I like to live in hope and don't belive that someone could really be as emotionally dead as my ex, but its a reality that he is proving on a daily basis.

I am praying that you will have clarity as to your future.

Pie

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#435617 - 05/23/13 09:30 PM Re: lies are crazier than I could have ever imagined [Re: remaininghopeful]
remaininghopeful Offline


Registered: 12/30/12
Posts: 23
I've had a chance to breathe. For now, I've worked out a way for the baby to be in daycare full-time. Even if I can't be with my husband anymore, I want to be kind. It's still hard to see him in so much pain, but it's his pain. And in a way, knowing how crazy the lies are, makes it easier to disconnect. The next steps will be very challenging, but I want to be smart and compassionate and keep any ugliness from my son. Thanks for any and all advice.

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#435826 - 05/25/13 11:44 PM Re: lies are crazier than I could have ever imagined [Re: remaininghopeful]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Sometimes we want things to be a certain way so badly that we mask our denial in compassion. You husband is hurt and damaged by that hurt - but your compassion can not lead you to endanger your child. Even if your husband would never PHYSICALLY harm his child, his lack of focus on his recovery does not provide stability or predictability that a child needs to grow up WITHOUT these kinds of issues. Spend some time reading about what life is like for the child of a BPD person (who is NOT in treatment)- and then think about whether the interactions should be supervised - or better yet, contextualized.


Edited by Esposa (05/25/13 11:45 PM)
Edit Reason: added NOT IN TREATMENT

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