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#435371 - 05/21/13 05:44 PM I know- but husband didn't tell me- what now?
cns Offline


Registered: 05/21/13
Posts: 4
I could really use some advice from survivors and spouses. I found out that my husband was abused as a child, but my husband was not the one who told me. I was reading about a case online from my area (court action was over 10 years ago for abuse of many boys that happened more than 25 years ago) and read police reports/accounts from victims in an investigation. Although the names are blacked out online, I am 100% positive that one of the accounts was from my husband. There is no question that this was his report. My husband never mentioned this to me. We have been married for 6 years and together for 9. What do I do? Do I tell him somehow that I know? Do I keep my mouth shut and hope one day he will trust me enough to tell me? I have no idea if he's ever gotten help (I suspect no). Survivors- would you want your loved one to tell you they know, and offer their support? Would you be mad if later you found out they knew all along and didn't say anything? Have any loved ones of survivors been in this situation? I am scared and would like your opinions/advice/resources etc...thanks- your help is greatly appreciated.

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#435372 - 05/21/13 05:52 PM Re: I know- but husband didn't tell me- what now? [Re: cns]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1648
That is a great question. I was approached by my father, quite innocently. One day I was driving him home from dialysis. He told me a something he had learned while having coffee with friends. One father mentioned his two sons had difficult lives and they only learned years later that the boys had been abused by a priest. They were altar boys when I was an altar boy. He asked if anything happened to me. I was very evasive and he just said if it did he was here for me. It was handled delicately and not with intimidation and when I backed off he left the door opened. I think about it and I know I was not ready to talk about it when he raised the question. But when I was ready to talk, he was no longer with us. For me I will never forget this, he was reaching out but not in a threatening way.

If you approach your husband be delicate and do not make him feel threatened--because the secret and shame are so great and remember the abuser in his/her own way threatened the child through emotional and verbal manipulation. Do not push but leave the door open for the future.




Edited by KMCINVA (05/21/13 05:53 PM)

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#435398 - 05/21/13 10:19 PM Re: I know- but husband didn't tell me- what now? [Re: cns]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 611
Loc: VA
I would definitely have thanked my wife for raising the subject, if she had found out my "secret" before I finally told her. I think asking your Hub about it would show your love and concern, and maybe even that being "found out" isn't the end of the world. Obviously he told someone about the abuse during the investigation years ago. He may not want to talk about the abuse again, but at least he'll know that there's no need to keep it secret from you. I kept quiet for 35 years, and I can confirm that it's a losing strategy.

John

p.s.: Today (May 21) is our 30th anniversary!


Edited by unhappycamper (05/21/13 10:22 PM)
Edit Reason: added "p.s."

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#435436 - 05/22/13 08:29 AM Re: I know- but husband didn't tell me- what now? [Re: cns]
cns Offline


Registered: 05/21/13
Posts: 4
Thank you very much KMCINVA and John for your insight and advice- I appreciate it very much. I think I will try and talk with him without being confrontational in any way- and at the very least let him know I am always here for him no matter what. I don't think I can just ignore it and say nothing at all. If he doesn't want to talk about it, that is of course fine- I will not push it. Perhaps a very general lead in about how I found out about all this in the first place might be a good place to start and will open the door for conversation.

Thanks to both of you again- you have been incredibly helpful.

Happy Anniversary John! Hope you and your wife had a fun day smile

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#435442 - 05/22/13 09:49 AM Re: I know- but husband didn't tell me- what now? [Re: cns]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 341
Maybe you can talk about the case in general terms and gently say something like "if anything like that ever happened to you please feel free to talk to me about it, I would be there for you" ....then drop it and see what happens.

The church scandal being in the news was how my H came out about his abuse. News stories are a good way to talk about victims in general and to show your support of them to make him feel safe.



Edited by sugarbaby (05/22/13 09:53 AM)

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#435468 - 05/22/13 11:53 AM Re: I know- but husband didn't tell me- what now? [Re: cns]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:33 PM)

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#435493 - 05/22/13 05:44 PM Re: I know- but husband didn't tell me- what now? [Re: bodyguard8367]
cns Offline


Registered: 05/21/13
Posts: 4
Thanks Geoff- those are very valuable points to consider...and you have identified one of my biggest concerns. I am very worried about a complete shut down as he rarely shows any emotion to begin with. Talking to a T first seems like a great idea for me as I have no idea what to expect. I will definitely begin searching for a T with experience with these issues. I feel like if I talk to my husband about this, the more prepared I can be, the better. Another part of me thinks I should just respect his decision to not tell me- and leave it alone. It's so hard know what's the right thing to do here. A T might be able to help me sort this out and give me some more tools and insight- a great suggestion- thank you...

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#435494 - 05/22/13 05:48 PM Re: I know- but husband didn't tell me- what now? [Re: sugarbaby]
cns Offline


Registered: 05/21/13
Posts: 4
Originally Posted By: sugarbaby
Maybe you can talk about the case in general terms and gently say something like "if anything like that ever happened to you please feel free to talk to me about it, I would be there for you" ....then drop it and see what happens.

The church scandal being in the news was how my H came out about his abuse. News stories are a good way to talk about victims in general and to show your support of them to make him feel safe.


Thanks- that does seem like a very good way to breach the subject in a non-threatening way...

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#435502 - 05/22/13 06:26 PM Re: I know- but husband didn't tell me- what now? [Re: cns]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 759
Loc: michigan
I agree that to talk openly but in general terms about how this would not be an issue to you might bee the best plan. personally had someone confronted me early on I would have been terrified to think that ANYONE could see and find out about my story. i hesitate to think what that might have meant. but to say in general terms that your love and respect would not change if something had happened, or even turn it around and ask if he would feel different toward you if he found you had been molested as a child. then open the door as someone suggested and leave it there. I may be a strong exception but I have had to take EACH STEP on my on at MY TIME and had anyone pushed me... probably would NOT have gone well.
just my thoughts
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#435506 - 05/22/13 06:54 PM Re: I know- but husband didn't tell me- what now? [Re: cns]
Observador Offline


Registered: 01/08/13
Posts: 16
I also found out without my husband telling me.
I tried to approach him, as smooth as I could, to let him that I loved him and he was safe now.
He called me crazy, got angry, made me feel horrible.
Then I found out that he had a son with the woman that abused him. And he knows about this son, but never mentioned to me, and we are together more than 10 years.
And I also tried to approach him and let him know that there's no need to feel ashamed and I did not judge him. That I would be always there for him. He again called me crazy, told me I needed help, that he doesn't have anything to hide from me.
I just don't talk about it anymore. Even though I am dying inside with all the lies and trying to turn the blame on me.
I don't have any advice for you, sorry. I just wanted to tell you my experience.

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