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#435362 - 05/21/13 02:41 PM Combating isolation
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3612
Loc: South-East Europe
I've been trough my therapy collided with some terrible feelings of isolation lately. Recently in one session at the end in talk with my therapist we have had decided to tackle it. Those feelings have been surrounding me no matter how hardly I've been fighting it. And it is like that for very long time if not as long as I can remember.
It is seeded in my early childhood and is my life's goal to try to break it. So I'm using this opportunity to talk a little bit about it and to add one small step toward letting it out.
I've been raised in patriarchal society with high moral standards and many taboos. And somehow I accepted some cultural values as own even no one ever taught me about it. It is very difficult to spot or sense it but it is more visible if I look on my life like from outside.
For example I've never been willingly and freely intimate with anyone, only in compulsive manner with some boys when I was kid and own twin brother who was abused too and that is all. Having problems with SSA and excessive watching of porn as some coping mechanism added more burden and feelings of isolation. I tried couple of relationships with girls but all of them with time turned on questioning my trust, fragility and vulnerability and those situations among others have brought me to therapy. So question of sharing intimacy, being lonely and like only human being on this planet are those that invaded lately. It was ignited by couple simple questions by my T. If she wouldn't mentioned my therapy would look like some fun, lol. So it is not something that occupies me often.

To be honest it is unthinkable for me at the moment to have some sexual relationship with some person. Even I tried to be in couple relationships I never have enough courage nor I could be relaxed to enjoy it freely. I even said to myself when I was kid that I would rather be in celibacy than to act on some urges if they would be seen as "wrong". There was always such huge imbalance in me, since earliest time I was like that. For example I'm craving for touch and I can't give or get one, I'm hyper-sexual and I can't be involved into anything sexual with other person, I'm dying to find someone and at other side I can't do much to break my isolation when someone interesting shows.

In try to start breaking it I've already exchanged this what I wrote with couple good buddies and now I've felt ready for next step.
I'm terrible sad when seeing other survivors feeling similar like in this thread.
Let's be brave and let's try to fight it, every single step, every single word shared with other people no matter if it is in real world or cyber space counts!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#435415 - 05/22/13 12:07 AM Re: Combating isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 355
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009

I'm craving for touch and I can't give or get one, I'm hyper-sexual and I can't be involved into anything sexual with other person, I'm dying to find someone and at other side I can't do much to break my isolation when someone interesting shows.


Pero, the feeling of isolation regarding sexual feelings is always larger than normal feelings of isolation. This is because sexual feelings are not normally talked about, and are by and large more intense than other feelings. Although it is necessary to deal with this, hypersexual feelings themselves are not reason to believe that it is impossible to reach another person.

Chances are many other people have these experiences and are not sure what to do with them at first. They just don't say so.

Keep sharing and we'll keep listening,

Focused
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#435420 - 05/22/13 01:30 AM Re: Combating isolation [Re: focusedbody]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I'm going to reply more to this thread.

For now it helped me to finish a post on things I enjoyed as a kid. It helped me remember a lot of things I did together with friends and/or family. I realize that I wasn't as isolated as I had thought. The memories of abuse colored my whole idea of who I was as a child.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=435419#Post435419

Puffer

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#435462 - 05/22/13 11:10 AM Re: Combating isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2020
Loc: durham, north england
The problem I've always found Pero is isolation is a two way street and ultimately people are not prepared to meet you half way.

As I explained in that thread,I give what I can to others, indeed others even seem to appreciate it, ---- but still there's a distance. however much a person has shared with me (and some people share a lot), however much I've made someone laugh, think deeply about themselves, feel better about some problem they've got, however many complements I get,people leave and that's it.

Oh yes, I can always phone them, and we'll have a great conversation for half an hour, and "we'll have to talk again some time" the same pretty much happens all those occasions I have been out with people for drinks etc.

Once whatever reason I've got to talk to people, the social event, the shared activity, the lecture has finished, that's pretty much that. I thought previously this year things might change, since during my production I seemed to be hitting a closeness, ---- but no. People have just left after all, indeed when we last met up at the celibratory ball last month I was the outsider again.

This is the problem with isolation, or at least it is for me. Whatever I do, however good I am, all the things i've learnt about interacting with people, sensing people's emotions, none of it ultimately makes any difference since people only want to interact with me when there's some external reason to, and however welll that interaction goes, people just drop me afterwards.

Then again, what can I expect? people mostly tell me their emotional problems, and who wants to hang out much less get close to their counselor.

So, if you find an answer to isolation, i'd be interested to know what it is, but right now the only person who is really close to me, who stays with me and is always there is my dog, and I love her for that.

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#435479 - 05/22/13 02:05 PM Re: Combating isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:34 PM)

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#435483 - 05/22/13 02:52 PM Re: Combating isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
i feel isolated even when i am the center of attention.
being popular did not cure my loneliness, it actually made it more acute. i do not attract the right kind of people.
quantity is not quality.
i feel less isolated when i am completely alone.
yet the need for social interaction is impossible to ignore.
the desire for friendship can never be quenched.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435570 - 05/23/13 02:38 PM Re: Combating isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3612
Loc: South-East Europe
Originally Posted By: focusedbody
Pero, the feeling of isolation regarding sexual feelings is always larger than normal feelings of isolation. This is because sexual feelings are not normally talked about, and are by and large more intense than other feelings. Although it is necessary to deal with this, hypersexual feelings themselves are not reason to believe that it is impossible to reach another person.

Chances are many other people have these experiences and are not sure what to do with them at first. They just don't say so.

Keep sharing and we'll keep listening,

Focused


Thanks Focused, my feelings of isolation related to intimacy sharing are connected to feelings of betrayal and trust issues. If I'm involved with someone with more connecting those questions would arise with me becoming more sensitive before final closure if I would see any signs of mistrust, nonsupport, jealousy and similar...

Originally Posted By: pufferfish
I'm going to reply more to this thread.

For now it helped me to finish a post on things I enjoyed as a kid. It helped me remember a lot of things I did together with friends and/or family. I realize that I wasn't as isolated as I had thought. The memories of abuse colored my whole idea of who I was as a child.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=435419#Post435419

Puffer

Hey Puffer, somehow I'm much easier in company of kids forgetting completely on mentioned isolation. Spending time with my nephews in playing around, telling stories and singing songs have had therapeutic and healing impact on me smile

Originally Posted By: dark empathy
The problem I've always found Pero is isolation is a two way street and ultimately people are not prepared to meet you half way.

As I explained in that thread,I give what I can to others, indeed others even seem to appreciate it, ---- but still there's a distance. however much a person has shared with me (and some people share a lot), however much I've made someone laugh, think deeply about themselves, feel better about some problem they've got, however many complements I get,people leave and that's it.

Oh yes, I can always phone them, and we'll have a great conversation for half an hour, and "we'll have to talk again some time" the same pretty much happens all those occasions I have been out with people for drinks etc.

Once whatever reason I've got to talk to people, the social event, the shared activity, the lecture has finished, that's pretty much that. I thought previously this year things might change, since during my production I seemed to be hitting a closeness, ---- but no. People have just left after all, indeed when we last met up at the celibratory ball last month I was the outsider again.

This is the problem with isolation, or at least it is for me. Whatever I do, however good I am, all the things i've learnt about interacting with people, sensing people's emotions, none of it ultimately makes any difference since people only want to interact with me when there's some external reason to, and however welll that interaction goes, people just drop me afterwards.

Then again, what can I expect? people mostly tell me their emotional problems, and who wants to hang out much less get close to their counselor.

So, if you find an answer to isolation, i'd be interested to know what it is, but right now the only person who is really close to me, who stays with me and is always there is my dog, and I love her for that.


Hey Luke your words sounds like I wrote it. I'm feeling constantly like being counselor for people around me. I know many theirs problems. Some are even absurd and never told aloud, lol.
I also like presence of animals, I see them as very lovable beings who unconditionally love us. Dogs, cats, any other pet or even plans I see as very friendly and I'm always connecting with them without any problems.
I know that is not easy to fight isolation as it was too long present in our lives. I've found terrible good article in one book and I'd retype it later. Maybe you'll find some good advices there...

Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367
Pero,

You share isolation from a standpoint of sex. Being sexual with someone else is not the opposite of isolation...it is being sexual.

The Opposite of Isolation is intimacy. Sharing tender kisses, sharing physical need, sexual orgasm...these things are intimate by nature but they are not intimacy. In order to share Intimacy we have to share our MIND. We have to be HONEST with others about how we feel, and take the RISK that they will still want to be our friend (or more than friends).

Isolation is the FEAR. Isolation is the Unwillingness to face REJECTION, and the unwillingness to face RISK.

I am gay and married, and still isolation can be a problem if I am unwilling to share WHO I am and what I think with potential friends. If I am unwilling to share that with my spouse we begin to be less involved and it can lead to problems in my relationship.

Having friends, or lovers, or boyfriends or girlfriends is hard because you will get hurt doing it. But....like Precious Stones, we all get polished and acquire brilliance from the buffing that comes from the bumping into each other.

It will hurt...but it comes with rewards too.

Geoff

Hey Geoff, I talked about sexuality and isolation as there is the most obvious my problem with it. If someone would watch me from outside it would be easily said that it could be overlooked.
For example I have many friends, occasionally even very lively social life, many times I'm surrounded with good looking women and some guys were even jealous on me and so on.
But really I've been struggling with "sharing minds" components of becoming intimate with someone. I'll add that I can't come to sexuality at all if I can't be intimate in such way.
My T said to me that I have terrible high expectation needing to feel like "one" with others while many times other persons are not at all ready or capable to follow it and that was sometimes reason for misunderstandings or even end of relationship.
You are right, it hurts sometimes and it has to be like that.
I'm repeating my self that I need to step out of my comfort zone on daily basis and that is one of my mantras...

Originally Posted By: victor-victim
i feel isolated even when i am the center of attention.
being popular did not cure my loneliness, it actually made it more acute. i do not attract the right kind of people.
quantity is not quality.
i feel less isolated when i am completely alone.
yet the need for social interaction is impossible to ignore.
the desire for friendship can never be quenched.


There is much true in your words Victor. Well we are here to speak about it!

Thanks guys for adding your views to this topic!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#435600 - 05/23/13 06:30 PM Re: Combating isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
Getting out of isolation is very possible, just got to be willing enough to try something new. !2 step meetings.. I go to alanon, aa, saa, and dual recovery. I am around alot of people who have gotten to know me. Looking for one person to fufill my needs is not a good solution, so my neediness is spread around. I have alot of support. Sometimes people look at the differances instead of simmilarites and think they dont belong or are looking for a reason to not go.

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#435607 - 05/23/13 08:05 PM Re: Combating isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
Happythoughts Offline


Registered: 05/12/13
Posts: 19
Comfort zone, I go to work go home feel lonley, isolation is my big problem, have issue talking to people. My biggest problem I don't think/feel I could be intermet with a female, had sex with a female about 10 years ago and didn't feel anything and felt dirty afterwards...

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#435612 - 05/23/13 08:29 PM Re: Combating isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
to pero little big man et. al

I have not had a lot of experience with isolation. Being alone regardless of my contact is a different issue. I have had many sexual partners, been married 25 years
an have been celibate for 5 years at a time twice.

When I got sober and asked my wife for an intimate relationship after 23 years of marraige, she said what do you want , to fuck every night. I explained that wasn;t intimacy and she said she didn't know what I was talking about and moved out of my bed.

I have friends, often, when I share with them my difficulties, they turn the conversation to themselves and their needs. You may call that being their counselor, I think that is bull.

I absolutely agree with victor-victim and little big man. Friendship permits support of individuals to be present from time to time. Not the same one, or too much of a burden on anyone.

Will that mean you get to avoid leaving your comfort zone, no. But, you may find that the issue of sex has to do with choosing not to avoid it rather than having to create the situation.

May you find this a place of safety

May you find whatever you are looking for.

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