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#435241 - 05/20/13 09:30 AM Time to tell, but how to start?
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 415
Loc: USA
Last July I signed up, feeling trapped and alone and did not have a T. Since then I got one and that's helped big time, along with talking to people here. Now I'm at a place where I feel inside it's time to tell my family. At home, I got verbal and physical abuse but my relationship with my family is good now. They don't know about the perps. All of them were strangers except one guy who was a friend of my parents. I think now he's the one who introduced me to four others. So now I want to tell my family but I have no idea what to say to start. "Hey mom, we need to talk, I was molested" doesn't seem to be a good way, nothing I can think of seems like a good way. I'm afraid too that if I tell it could undo the work I've done with my family, and I don't want to go backwards. The perps are gone, all strangers somewhere in the past but I still have my family. I guess that's weird too as everything I read says most perps are known to the family. Then if I do start, I don't want to talk details or even tell about the friend of my parents. He's dead. Is this introducing a hurt into their life that is wrong since it can't change anything now? I just want them to know why I am who I am, and who I am now. At least where I'm headed and that I'm not totally broken anymore. I don't know where to go with this...
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#435242 - 05/20/13 09:53 AM Re: Time to tell, but how to start? [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 415
Loc: USA
Another scary thing, it seems like when we are all together it's for some special event like a wedding. This kind of news could ruin that.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#435243 - 05/20/13 10:06 AM Re: Time to tell, but how to start? [Re: BuffaloCO]
trytry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/13
Posts: 36
Loc: Wisconsin
I've never told my family so I don't have much to offer, but I know some people have sent them a letter or email or called to say they have something they need to talk about, this gives them some time to mentally prepare for what it might be so it's not quite as big of a shock.

As far as introducing a hurt into their lives since it won't change anything, that's not correct. It won't change the past, but it can change the future, not to mention all that much more support you'll have in real life, they may have answers if you have any questions about the past, we all know how much worse it makes things keeping them secret, and how good it feels when you finally have someone to tell, whether it's the first time, or 10th time you've told someone, it still seems to lift a weight off your shoulders.

Don't feel obligated to give them any details if you're not comfortable with it, you don't even need to tell them who it was.

And I know how you feel about wishing they knew the reasons why you are who you are, that there IS an explanation to everything.

I know you have the courage to tell them if that's what you choose to do.

Best of luck man.

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#435244 - 05/20/13 10:13 AM Re: Time to tell, but how to start? [Re: BuffaloCO]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 315
Loc: Iowa, USA
Buffalo,

Congratulations on making the decision to tell your parents. It sounds like you've put considerable time into contemplating your reasons for wanting to tell them, plus you've pondered how you will tell them. This is a big step in your recovery, and in some ways it's the hardest step. I recently told my parents, and it was a very positive experience. I'm very glad I did so. I realize not everyone will have the same experience, but I'm glad I did. Only you know the type of people your parents are, and what relationship you have with them. Prior to telling my family, I had the very same questions that you have. You only need to reveal what you're comfortable with. You are not responsible for your parents' reactions. They will be hurt, without a doubt, but they are also adults who, theoretically can handle this. It is admirable that you are taking into consideration their feelings, but they don't have the right to go through life without ever experiencing hurt and pain. It's not necessary for you to endure unneeded stress and anguish to ease their psyches. It's a good idea to plan how much hurt you'd be able to handle should you experience a bad reaction from them, and limit yourself to stating only that much of your story.

You don't need to name names initially. You can always tell more of your story later, but you can't go back and undo it if you say too much too soon. Actually, when I told my mom, I did just say " Mom, there's something I need to tell you. In my past, I was abused." It worked and if you decide that's how you want to tell them, do it. The simplicity and candor of just blurting it out makes it easy for you to get it out, and almost impossible for them to mis-interpret. If you can think of a different way, you can do it too. There's pretty much no way to screw it up.

Good luck Buffalo. I wish you well and I hope you have a positive outcome. Please let us know how it goes.

DavO

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#435245 - 05/20/13 10:25 AM Re: Time to tell, but how to start? [Re: BuffaloCO]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Family disclosure is always a scary thing. Your motives are pure though... to help connect the pieces of who you are. To help understand you and in turn relieve you of a secret that wasn't yours to hold. Your looking for comfort and understanding.

At the same time you are going to change things and give yourself some healthy boundaries with them. No need to give them details and everything should be on your terms. if a question c omes up you don't want to answer... you can simply say.. that is beyond my boundries.

A suggestion is to be a little blunt with saying you were sexually abused... not somebody did something to me. They don't have to figure out what you're saying if you say it straight but without being to offensive.

I wish you luck and have always felt and seen this as a very good step to freeing yourself. Make it about you... it's ok, you've earned this time to be about you healing.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#435247 - 05/20/13 10:59 AM Re: Time to tell, but how to start? [Re: BuffaloCO]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1286
All your reasons are sound. This is a huge thing in your life, and you are honoring them by letting them know you, know your struggles. If the relationship with your family has any meaningful substance, it will stand up to the truth. If you are keeping the secrets to protect the family, then just what are you protecting?

Quote:
So now I want to tell my family but I have no idea what to say to start. "Hey mom, we need to talk, I was molested" doesn't seem to be a good way, nothing I can think of seems like a good way.

That's just technique. You can rehearse it a million times and it will never play out the way you expect, anyways. Don't sweat how. Just do.

My only advice, having been there myself, is to go in with NO expectations. Unmet expectations will only throw you off balance. Expectations imply a control you simple do not have. You own the experience, and you own the initiative and decision to share. Let them own their response. Not sure if that makes sense, but the only thing they will have any control of are their own reactions to this. As long as they do not hurt you, respect them and let them own that. I suspect they will go through a process with this - it won't end at the kitchen table when you tell them. And they may even need your strength, support and love to help them through. Just be ready for anything.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#435248 - 05/20/13 11:21 AM Re: Time to tell, but how to start? [Re: BuffaloCO]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1560
BuffaloCo

I envy you in having the ability to tell you parents. My father told me a story as I was driving him back from dialysis about 8 years ago of having coffee with friends. He told me one father told of his two sons who were altar boys and had a difficult life. They learned the two boys had been abused by a priest at my church. My father did not say which priest. I was an altar boy at the same time and he asked if anything happened to me. I was evasive but he said if I ever wanted to talk he would be here. When I was ready to confront the past, he had passed. So many times I think of him and wish he was here--because I know he would have been a wonderful support--open minded and caring. He like his mother had a caring heart and could accept everyone--I have met few people in my life with that capacity. For some reason I believe he must have said something to my Mom. She recently passed after having been unresponsive for 13 days. She was in assisted living and two aids when they met me said you are Kevin--she was so worried about you, she knew something very bad had happened to you. She would not tell them what it was. She fought without food or fluids for those 13 days. The day before she passed I told her, with no response, that I was facing the past and I had wonderful support from friends and support groups. I told her I would be alright. Over the next 18 hours the fight subsided and shortly before she passed I reminded her it was alright to go, because I found wonderful caring people who would be there for me and help me heal. Her eyes opened and she looked out and she went peacefully. She gave me the strength to go to the church to talk to the priest who gave her the last rites. He was wonderful, I blurted out I could not go to the church because of what happened. He offered to take me to the church a few days before the funeral. We went along with my brother, and my brother commented he could tell this was not the first time this priest had done this. So I may not have told my parents, but they knew in their own way something had happened. They are physically not here but in some mysterious way they are here and guiding me. I envy you for having the opportunity to tell your parents--they probably have a sense something happened to you. I choke and tear up as I write this. Do not miss this opportunity.

I hope your talk with your parents brings you closer and heals some of the wounds you carry.

Kevin


Edited by KMCINVA (05/20/13 04:18 PM)

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#435257 - 05/20/13 01:55 PM Re: Time to tell, but how to start? [Re: BuffaloCO]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
BuffaloCO,

A lot of good advice in this thread. While I can understand your hesitation about possibly restarting a bad dynamic with your family, the real question is "are they supportive now?" Because if they are, and if you think it would make you feel better to tell, then you should.

No, you don't blurt out with an I GOT MOLESTED. You set it up by saying you want to talk about something from the past that you're working on dealing with now, and/or confronting and explaining any characteristic acting-out or other aftereffects that they noticed at the time.

Getting the oldest secret off your chest can feel great. But it doesn't always end right there and you have to give them some time to process. I told my parents in December, and about a month ago my mom told me that "for many reasons" this had been the worst year of her life, and she started to cry. The ironic thing is that I was only really able to comfort her because of the huge step I'd taken for myself which had required kinda-sorta disregarding her feelings and bringing pain into her life.

Parenthood comes with pain, there is always the presumption of risk, it's why good parents always worry and fret. If it hadn't been CSA it could just as well have been a paralyzing car crash they'd have had to deal with - and they WOULD have dealt with it. They have no choice but to deal. Once you get that heartbeat, it is their job to deal. And it is unnatural for a child to take more pain onto themselves in order to deny the parent their rightful role of comforting and understanding their children.

Obviously the above only applies to good, involved, supportive parents. Any animal can squirt a baby out - parenting is about more than that, it's VERY much about giving your kids your all and taking the bad things with the good.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#435294 - 05/20/13 08:39 PM Re: Time to tell, but how to start? [Re: BuffaloCO]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3089
Loc: O Kanada
i encourage you to do what you think best. be aware of the risk. be ready for the consequences. disclosure will put you one step closer to closure. consider the alternative... continued silence and secrecy. not healthy.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435304 - 05/20/13 10:08 PM Re: Time to tell, but how to start? [Re: BuffaloCO]
Happythoughts Offline


Registered: 05/12/13
Posts: 19
My god I didn't think I had emotion in me, but I teared up at ever post. I told my brother and friend last week... Buff let your heart guide you....

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