Newest Members
lilac, The Wife Of, smusab, whiteflag, North101
12287 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cards (33), korbin2003 (39), Rosemary (53), Zebra (47)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 25 Guests and 8 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12287 Members
73 Forums
63212 Topics
442012 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#435411 - 05/21/13 11:51 PM Had a really weird sad feeling today that i never
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 115
Loc: california
To start iam a very masculan guy works electrical blah bah! Lol well today I had a very weird immotional break down I had a very clearly vivid memory about when I was getting sexually abused!!! At the age of 9. I snapped but then I accepted the memory and just vividely watched it as it unfolded again when I was getting RAPED I JUST Broke down started crying saying how can I live with this for ever asking god to be with me at those memories I was experiencing ...............SAD
_________________________
BertG777

Top
#435412 - 05/21/13 11:57 PM Re: Had a really weird sad feeling today that i never [Re: forgive777]
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 115
Loc: california
I felt aroused!! And then disapointed at my self for like it!!! Smh liking those memories I don't know how to tell my girlfriend now anything ..???
_________________________
BertG777

Top
#435438 - 05/22/13 09:11 AM Re: Had a really weird sad feeling today that i never [Re: forgive777]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Hi Forgive.

You are not alone. When we get raped as boys, sometimes our bodies betray us and get aroused, even orgasm, while our minds know that what is happening to us is something we don't want.

Then we experience confusion because we feel like our body has betrayed us.

We are so sorry you are going through this pain right now. Just hang in there. You are not alone.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

Top
#435445 - 05/22/13 09:59 AM Re: Had a really weird sad feeling today that i never [Re: forgive777]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
You are supposed to feel confusion and self-hate. Perps know how to activate male bodies, as sure as the doctor hitting your knee with that little hammer. He knew you'd feel this way and got off on your confusion. It is precisely why he did what he did to you. Burns hurt, and arsonists like that they hurt.

Part of recovery is to recognize the feelings and responses that did not happen by your own choice but rather were forced upon you by another, and place responsibility where it belongs. And to forgive the self - a helpless child - for any leftover bits that you do feel responsible for.

It is outrageous for your girlfriend to taunt you for being gay, latently gay, or destined to be gay over this. You do not have to take that, and she should get her head on straight real fast.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

Top
#435447 - 05/22/13 10:03 AM Re: Had a really weird sad feeling today that i never [Re: forgive777]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1285
Hey, Bert -

Every once in awhile I read a post that I relate to quite deeply, and this is one such post. You speak to the very heart of why so many of us are here. You simply and eloquently said in a few short, emotive words what people have said in pages and pages all over this site.

Maybe it will help to step outside yourself a moment and look at that little nine year old boy. He got aroused. Do you blame him for that? Did he initiate the sexual exchange? Would he even know how to? Did he guide and direct how that exchange moved along? I think every answer to any question you could possibly ask lays the responsibility squarely at the feet of THE ADULT. And, Bert, if you stepped into a room and saw a man raping a nine-year-old boy - and even if that boy looked aroused - what would you do? Because, unless you have an amazing double standard, within that answer lies the grace of your own forgiveness.

We are wired for sexual pleasure. It comes with birth. All the circuits are in place. There is no indignancy button that we can press to stop it. It's more than a joke to think that societal mores have any power over such a primitive and fundamentally powerful biological reflexes. Matt mentioned a reflex hammer on the knee. If society said such a reaction was inappropriate, would that carry any influence over the biology? Nature has decided that the shotgun approach to sexual pleasure is the best way to ensure that the appropriate matings propagate the species. And when someone plugs into and charges that circuit inappropriately, sexual pleasure still results. Like the Honey Badger, nature doesn't give a shit. And we are left trying to reconcile that with who we are in society and who we imagine or expect ourselves to be.

Keep working at this, my friend. Because others can explain it - as I tried to above - until they are hypoxic blue, and give you every intellectual reason why you experienced this as you did. And they will likely be quite correct. Yet try telling that to your heart. THAT'S where the work is. If my heart could just remember for more than half a day what my mind already knows, I wouldn't be here.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#435508 - 05/22/13 07:48 PM Re: Had a really weird sad feeling today that i never [Re: forgive777]
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 115
Loc: california
Couldn't explain it any better Eric Chase! Its amazing how you could find a short cut on how to see a dramatic event on my eyes its exactly how I tried to cancel all those memories couldn't handle it anymore until I seen a therapist! Its now about 6 months and its as it was still the first day everyday I go. As if iam never going to get better it makes me feel weird like I walk out of there feeling like a child again with anxiety gloomy puppy eyes etc. And then I have to show up to the room iam renting out and deal with some drunk!! Roomate always wants to fight. I feel like I get nervous easier i do I need to find a peaceful home appt. Room etc. To heal? Becouse like I said I feel like that lil abused child again...
_________________________
BertG777

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.