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#432129 - 04/22/13 11:17 PM I hurt myself again. Dumb me.
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I have to get these thoughts out related to ASA so here I am.

I hurt myself. Around 5 years ago I lifted things of excess weight, and I gave myself a double hernia. On surgery day, after the double surgery- both sides were "repaired" - before the anesthesia had worn off, between the pain pills and coming in and out of consciousness-shaved down, stained from the anti-septic, mumbling rather confusingly I am certain- I was sodomized. I was raped. Very violated. I remember it, I couldn't stop it, and I fail to remember how it ended. Your guess is good as mine.

This weekend I hurt myself. Again. Dumb dumb me. I lifted a few pieces of heavy furniture by myself. On one, I felt the pain shoot through my groin area. I now have the soreness and the swelling in the groin area. I am triggered beyond anything I have encountered to date related to the adult rape. If it stays sore and swollen, it means I have ripped open one of the hernias. Or both. This means I will have to go to the doctor, drop my trousers, and my underwear. Someone's hands will again touch my most private areas as they feel around and decide what is going on. And I will need to just stand there.

If another surgery is needed, that means anesthesia, lose of consciousness, and at least a day of being incapacitated again. Laying in a room of strange people without being in control, having on no underwear and at the mercy of whomever. I will again be at the most vulnerable, exposed top and bottom. And I am just beside myself. It explains why tonight is so emotionally rough.

Has anyone had these fears of returning to the clinic? Has anyone been assaulted while being medically incapacitated.? I would like to hear. The guy who had me was not a medical staff member, but a supposed friend who was supposed to care for me after leaving the clinic. How did you overcome your fear of being in a vulnerable position after being assaulted?
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#432133 - 04/23/13 12:09 AM Re: I hurt myself again. Dumb me. [Re: ThisMan]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I am so sorry you experienced this. It is especially awful that it happened by a person who was supposed to be a trusted friend in a place that is supposed to be a safe place, an institution you can rely on. Your fear of going back to the hospital is completely understandable. I experience this a lot too as my rape happened while a patient on a cardiac unit in the hospital, too. I was 27 and it was a staff member. I still have a lot of medical issues so I have to deal with doctors & medical professionals quite often and it is triggering. What is hard for me is dealing with all the people coming in and out of my room as it is difficult to know who I can trust.

here are some things I do to cope:

- Make sure the staff know what this means for you emotionally. Whether that is giving them a letter from your therapist, or handing them a small piece of paper saying you have PTSD and are reactive to touch. It isn't easy telling people this but it is better than having people triggering you without knowing.

- In my mind, every health professional is a potential rapist so I ask them to limit the # of people coming into my room. So if Nurse So-andSo was working with me on Monday from 3-11, and I found her to be good, I ask for her on Tuesday etc. No interns, no student nurses, no med students!

- Make sure you have an opportunity to talk to the doctor, anesthesiologist, and whoever else will be performing surgery beforehand.

- Last few times I was in the hospital, my sister and my wife did a lot to give me reminders of home. They plastered the walls with my son's artwork which did help me to ground myself in the middle of the night when everything around me was disorienting and triggering.
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#432157 - 04/23/13 11:32 AM Re: I hurt myself again. Dumb me. [Re: ThisMan]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 786
Loc: michigan
hey bud
I'm so so sorry this has happened. I do share your feelings of dread and suspicion, and I feel then any time I have to walk into a Dr.s office. I think the advice you have received is good though I have never been able to implement it. my issues came from a hospitalization in childhood so I just was made to deal with it and have been doing it ever since. I hope that you can find a way to tell about your fears and that you are heard. I think they are getting better about that now days but you will want to be sure to bring any support you can muster even if they cant be immediately with you it feels good to know they are near. do not let them tell you what you must do man you tell them what your NEEDS are and insist that they comply. you have that right.
be well
Jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#432166 - 04/23/13 12:51 PM Re: I hurt myself again. Dumb me. [Re: ThisMan]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Oh man, TM, this really bites. I don't know if ASA or CSA is worse, if understanding the SA or not understanding the SA is worse...or if it even matters. Excellent advice above.

The only thing I'd add is, despite your anxiety, get it taken care of. Naturally, your brothers will be here to support you when/if you need to vent, etc. So much the better if you have at least one trusted friend/family member to be on site with you.

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#433229 - 05/02/13 12:20 AM Re: I hurt myself again. Dumb me. [Re: ThisMan]
J.Bytendorp Offline
User
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/09/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Salt Lake CIty, Utah
Lancer,

I don't think it matters if it was a ASA or CSA abuse is abuse and its hard especially when we have the triggers.

This Man, i know its hard but find a way to go back to the doctors, talk with a friend, find someone you are comfortable with and go. Find a safe therapist and doctor and take care of yourself.

Josh

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#435395 - 05/21/13 10:03 PM Re: I hurt myself again. Dumb me. [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
okay. I made an appt to have myself checked this Friday to see if the soreness and swelling is a pulled muscle or the ripe of the hernia... ugh. still hurts. still swollen.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#435560 - 05/23/13 12:11 PM Re: I hurt myself again. Dumb me. [Re: ThisMan]
just me Offline


Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 196
Feel better...I can relate.
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My Story

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#435666 - 05/24/13 04:22 PM Re: I hurt myself again. Dumb me. [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
My appointment was this morning. The hernia is a definite. Going to wait a month to see if it will begin healing before visiting the surgeon. Thanks for the support and advice. It's just life, but it I surely am experiencing some anxiety over it. At least I can get some SAFE plans ready.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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