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#435305 - 05/20/13 10:17 PM Re: Time to tell, but how to start? [Re: SoccerStar]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3028
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
BuffaloCO,

A lot of good advice in this thread. While I can understand your hesitation about possibly restarting a bad dynamic with your family, the real question is "are they supportive now?" Because if they are, and if you think it would make you feel better to tell, then you should.

No, you don't blurt out with an I GOT MOLESTED. You set it up by saying you want to talk about something from the past that you're working on dealing with now, and/or confronting and explaining any characteristic acting-out or other aftereffects that they noticed at the time.

Getting the oldest secret off your chest can feel great. But it doesn't always end right there and you have to give them some time to process. I told my parents in December, and about a month ago my mom told me that "for many reasons" this had been the worst year of her life, and she started to cry. The ironic thing is that I was only really able to comfort her because of the huge step I'd taken for myself which had required kinda-sorta disregarding her feelings and bringing pain into her life.

Parenthood comes with pain, there is always the presumption of risk, it's why good parents always worry and fret. If it hadn't been CSA it could just as well have been a paralyzing car crash they'd have had to deal with - and they WOULD have dealt with it. They have no choice but to deal. Once you get that heartbeat, it is their job to deal. And it is unnatural for a child to take more pain onto themselves in order to deny the parent their rightful role of comforting and understanding their children.

Obviously the above only applies to good, involved, supportive parents. Any animal can squirt a baby out - parenting is about more than that, it's VERY much about giving your kids your all and taking the bad things with the good.


Matt


this is some of the best advice... worth reading twice.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435352 - 05/21/13 10:59 AM Re: Time to tell, but how to start? [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Thank you everyone. Everything you all have said is encouraging. I know this is another step in healing even if I don't know how it will end. As my Pastor says it is time to cross the chicken-line. The fear that comes up is not from who I am now, it's those old voices of the bad people trying to keep me down, saying things like stupid boy, no one will believe you, you'll be rejected again and the worst one, you should have died by now.

I won't believe those voices anymore, and have to reject that programming as it is no longer true. In fact nothing they said was ever true about me and who I am. When I first started T, I was angry that no one had noticed or seemed to care, and I wanted to tell just to make my family feel bad. I knew that wasn't right but it was how I felt. So I decided not to say anything because it was a bad motive, making me no better then those who had hurt me. I am no longer angry thanks to my T, are really to my faith that is bringing me out of this sadness. So I'll find the right words and the right time. When I do, it will be with the right motive of finally being able to love and forgive me, and them, and to move forward. Thank you all. Your words are making me cry again but this time it is a good one. I keep getting reminded here that we can heal, finish growing up inside, and live the life intended for us.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#435358 - 05/21/13 12:49 PM Re: Time to tell, but how to start? [Re: BuffaloCO]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 691
Loc: Southeast USA
I'm sorry I just now got to read your thread. I just went through this last month...

You have a lot of sound advice here, so I don't have much new to add. To reiterate a couple of points others have made:

Take a measure of your current relationship with your family. My perp was non-family, so your family dynamic may be much more favorable in this regard. The denial---covering up, etc. will not manifest so strongly (or at all).

Set aside a time with your parents to talk with NO interruptions---and tell them you are working on a problem---and have for a long time---that you want to disuscuss it. Don't create an unnecessary sense of drama or build-up, but make sure they understand it is important to you.

Ease into the topic by setting the stage of that time period---the good and finally, the bad. After you do this, move quickly and use the appropriate language. Tell them you were molested from age 5.... Like others have mentioned, we weren't "messed with." We were molested. Leave out graphic details, but draw the borders for them.

I waited for quite some time before I told my parents. The reasons were manifold---shame, guilt, worry about them, anger that they didn't magically see it or suspect what happened. Your results may vary, but my concerns largely melted away when I finally told my parents. Yes, they are now second-guessing past decisions, but they are adults, they are parents---and part of their job description in small print is to take what life delivers to you---and them. It isn't easy---but neither is sexual abuse. Tell them when you are ready---you'll know when that is---your language is loud and strong on this.

I don't regret telling my parents. It was liberating.

Good luck and good healing!

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#435437 - 05/22/13 09:08 AM Re: Time to tell, but how to start? [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Again thank you everyone. I have a plan and I'm at peace with it from all of your ideas. This will be another step forward now that my motive has changed, a way to keep building up with my family and inside me too.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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