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#435166 - 05/19/13 07:35 PM discussion of triggers ** suicide triggers
takingitslow Offline


Registered: 09/12/12
Posts: 53
Loc: UK
I've started to read more stories of other survivors/ recovery issues of others.

I seem to get more triggered by stories which I have little/ no experience with. It's like when I read a story so strikingly similar to my own past it doesn't invoke any where near as much anger in me when compared to a story with a different dynamic- perhaps the age difference as in the victim was very young (I was 14-22 my csa) or when the perp might be a father or mother (compared to my non-blood uncle).

I guess that is why I can't give much advice to others with different stories as I just get so mad in my head at the bastard who caused them harm. So many sick fucking individuals on this planet ruining the future generations hopes and abilities by preying on them as vulnerable kids.

As I've mentioned before I'm going through a patch of on and off deep depression but one of the things keeping me going is hate for perps. I have this weird idea that if I committed suicide right now it would mean a 24 year old man is gone. Then to replace me it would take 24 years for a new born to reach my moment in life right now. Take 24 years for that child to grow, become strong and get to a point of standing up for human values and stand up against pieces of shit who ruthlessly exploit children and others. So I discard the thought of suicide because the world doesn't want to have to wait another 24 years for a person to be in the position to do the right thing- stand up and fight these fucking bastards. I'll take this mandate on now and in the future I won't stop with just my perp. I like the idea of a career in child protection, or adopting disadvantaged children, being outspoken against csa just anything to aid the global effort against csa and the deranged selfish fucks who purport the acts every fucking day. Right now some fucker is doing it, and they will have consequences. The swifter the better.

I'm not religious at all. I guess I'm just driven by the memory of my deceased grandmother who was the best person I've ever known and the fact that how ever much pain I'm going through on a day to day basis fuck it I'm not taking it lying down.

My local football team has a banner in the stadium which says STAND OR FALL. ALBION.
Dan.

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#435168 - 05/19/13 07:52 PM Re: discussion of triggers ** suicide triggers [Re: takingitslow]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2965
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: takingitslow
I've started to read more stories of other survivors/ recovery issues of others.

I seem to get more triggered by stories which I have little/ no experience with. It's like when I read a story so strikingly similar to my own past it doesn't invoke any where near as much anger in me when compared to a story with a different dynamic- perhaps the age difference as in the victim was very young (I was 14-22 my csa) or when the perp might be a father or mother (compared to my non-blood uncle).

I guess that is why I can't give much advice to others with different stories as I just get so mad in my head at the bastard who caused them harm. So many sick fucking individuals on this planet ruining the future generations hopes and abilities by preying on them as vulnerable kids.

As I've mentioned before I'm going through a patch of on and off deep depression but one of the things keeping me going is hate for perps. I have this weird idea that if I committed suicide right now it would mean a 24 year old man is gone. Then to replace me it would take 24 years for a new born to reach my moment in life right now. Take 24 years for that child to grow, become strong and get to a point of standing up for human values and stand up against pieces of shit who ruthlessly exploit children and others. So I discard the thought of suicide because the world doesn't want to have to wait another 24 years for a person to be in the position to do the right thing- stand up and fight these fucking bastards. I'll take this mandate on now and in the future I won't stop with just my perp. I like the idea of a career in child protection, or adopting disadvantaged children, being outspoken against csa just anything to aid the global effort against csa and the deranged selfish fucks who purport the acts every fucking day. Right now some fucker is doing it, and they will have consequences. The swifter the better.

Dan.


Dan,

thanks for having the courage, wit and wisdom to say what i have been feeling.
some stories just leave me silenced, speechless.
i am cautious to comment. i refrain from response.
for fear of saying the wrong thing, nothing is said.
this is probably the wisest action to the reaction.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435169 - 05/19/13 07:58 PM Re: discussion of triggers ** suicide triggers [Re: takingitslow]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
I have read a few things and my heart has started to race.

I would urge you to talk, it's good to share man. Just keep yourself safe.

As for suicide, I contemplated it many times, but more on a passive sense. I thought about dying alot, I didn't have an urge to die as such, just thought about that I had that power.

And thats what suicide is, ultimate control and power. You have been out of control and this is the most drastic way to retain that power.

You say you get triggered by stories you have little or no experience with, if that is the case; what triggered you? A trigger is a reminder of danger, perhaps there is more than you're admitting to yourself.

The only reason I haven't ended it myself is because there is no way I'm letting those twisted fucks win. I have plans.

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#435173 - 05/19/13 08:10 PM Re: discussion of triggers ** suicide triggers [Re: takingitslow]
takingitslow Offline


Registered: 09/12/12
Posts: 53
Loc: UK
I think I get triggered by a mixture of things. I feel that those who have never experienced csa or sexual assault as an adult really down play the effect it has on survivors. This mixed with generally the impunity how most perps get away with it or the fact that perps don't get a long enough punishment generally considering how as a survivor I have torment some days every 5minutes. Also I'm a stubborn bastard and I think I'll never forgive my perp - I'm getting better at accepting what happened but not accepting in the sense that I'm passive rather it is such a big fucking personal violation my perp could of destroyed my life. I'm doing things right now to get more stable mentally not sure how to describe in words the process I'm undertaking. I look at the whole recovery process bit like how you have a set of scales and one side the perp's side starts off being far heavier and sends me down and I can't restore equilibrium I'm powerless to win if it was a see-saw equivalent with 2 people on it one heavier than the other. Now I'm the one who is heavier on my side I'm winning and sure some people don't see it as a game or a challenge but this confrontation with my perp is so personal and revenge orientated that I need to build myself up train to have the upperhand. Be it a self defence mechanism.

So I think I get triggered by the mixture of reactions I've had and the denial of how extreme our pain is.

The use of the word 'game or challenge' really down plays what it is but sometimes I just need to not use words which really overwhelm me as being hyper vigilant and angry all the time is tiring. Sure it is more like life or death for one of us me or the perp but I need a break some days from the seriousness of it all the repurcussions otherwise I would just snap.

Dan


Edited by takingitslow (05/19/13 08:15 PM)

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#435175 - 05/19/13 08:27 PM Re: discussion of triggers ** suicide triggers [Re: takingitslow]
takingitslow Offline


Registered: 09/12/12
Posts: 53
Loc: UK
Also I know it is inevitable that I will see my perp again one day. Be it in court or around where I live if he gets away with it. Subconsciously I used to be abit afraid of him (could be understatement not really sure of the exact mental state I was in kinda completely blocked that part). His size how imposing he was on the rare occassion he got angry. But now I'm getting myself ready for that next meeting I'm less afraid to the point where if I need to act in self defence I'll snap his fucking neck. I won't let him see any weakness in my eyes or body language sure he has caused me soo much mental anguish but I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing it. I'll switch on the part of me which is cold/psychotic and not vulnerable in the slightest. End of the day all I can do is act and be the strongest I possibly can there is an element of luck in life.

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#435177 - 05/19/13 08:56 PM Re: discussion of triggers ** suicide triggers [Re: takingitslow]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2965
Loc: O Kanada
sometimes i wonder if i might even be a little trigger happy.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

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Poetry

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#435178 - 05/19/13 08:59 PM Re: discussion of triggers ** suicide triggers [Re: takingitslow]
takingitslow Offline


Registered: 09/12/12
Posts: 53
Loc: UK
TRIGGER WARNING- INTIMIDATION BY A PERP + CSA ****

WARNING graphic csa YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ.


From 14-22 years old I was under the control of my perp. He only got mad 3 times. I can't remember the 2nd time at all. The first time I was young like 15 or 16 and I was in his office and we would do an hour or so of sexual acts. His office was in a compound and would be deserted mainly apart from me, him and security guard patrolling the grounds. The sexual acts included masterbating each other, him licking parts of my body, him giving me oral sex. Whenever he did any of this stuff I would show my disapproval by getting frustrated punching the floor, pulling away from him calling him names, saying I wasn't gay and that these things were only for his pleasure. I would slap him on the head or punch him on the arm probably not very hard as I was only 15-16. Well one day I gave him a dead leg where I kneed him right in the leg muscle during this sexual activity. And it must of really hurt him because he just snapped. I had never seen him get angry before. He got up pinned me down started kneeing me in my leg saying don't you fucking do that... that hurts and saying something like I'm stronger than you I'll hurt you more. This went on for a few minutes and I must of been pretty terrified. Afterwards he abruptly stopped everything for that day and drove me home I can't remember much of the rest of the dialogue from that day. But I never tried to dead leg him again.

When I was 21/22 and this is right near the end of the relationship with my perp was the 3rd time he got angry. It was september I broke contact with my perp in December so very soon after. I had stopped doing any sexual acts with my perp except masterabating him for money, and I was demanding a lot of money each time. Like 60 a time and it was clear my perp was very annoyed I didn't let him touch me any more. I had wanked him off hundreds of times so it was literally sit on the sofa 10mins later I would have the money I wanted to go gamble and I would go lose that money within 10mins in the bookmakers.

So in this September we were arguing about money I wanted more as I had lots of debts and he was 'supposed to love me' so he should pay my debts off like 4,000 worth at the time. He said no he shouldnt as it was my fault I had such a bad gambling problem and as I gave him less of what he wanted I didnt desrve that kind of money even though he could afford it. So I would call him names like gay and say he was a paedophile. He didn't like it when I said that word I had said it a couple of times before not any where as near as often as I called him gay. But this one time as I'm leaving his house I called him a perverted paedophile and he just went nuts he was right in my face smashing the wall with his fist saying I could kill you I should kill you. He didn't touch me but it really frightened me so I said touch me I'm going to the police fuck off out of my life and I quickly exited his house as I was near his front door.

I then went down the beach sat there crying at this point I realised I was not going to see him again as he selfish and his control over me was less. Also I was a bit afraid I didn't know what my next move was. He then tries ringing me. I don't answer. He texts me says where are you I need to pick you up and talk. I think he said something also about he had something for me as well. So I told him where I was and where to pick me up. I was abit afraid he might try and kill me but I also needed money so I must of thought he'll probably give me a large sum as a sorry for going mental at me.

So he picks me up and basically says he is stressed at the moment on anti depressants and his doctor says he doesnt need stress so I shouldnt stress him out. He sort of apologises but says dont wind him up anymore. He may have gave me 20 or some small amount which I was probably disappointed with but I was probably relieved that I didn't have to do anything drastic that day. From then on I saw him very rarely for the next 3 months spoke less on the phone less texts. Then in january I disclosed to my councillor at university I had been csa. This was bought on by like a few weeks of no contact with my perp and I think I had snapped out of his control. When I told my councillor words would not escape my mouth for ages he said did I want to write down whatever my problem was and I couldn t even write it down. 15mins later I started talking and I went on for like 1.5 hrs talking and crying. That was the start of the recovery and a bit of a backdrop to the fear Im trying to overcome of my perp so I can fight him now and rid that piece of shit from the history books.

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#435181 - 05/19/13 09:12 PM Re: discussion of triggers ** suicide triggers [Re: takingitslow]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2965
Loc: O Kanada
this is terrible. are the police involved?
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435182 - 05/19/13 09:21 PM Re: discussion of triggers ** suicide triggers [Re: takingitslow]
takingitslow Offline


Registered: 09/12/12
Posts: 53
Loc: UK
yes police are involved. Hoping for a trial soon after July. Going to be life defining few months coming up.

Dan

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#435183 - 05/19/13 09:28 PM Re: discussion of triggers ** suicide triggers [Re: takingitslow]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2965
Loc: O Kanada
as always, from numerous personal experiences with the justice system, i urge to be cautious in your expectations. you can care about the outcome, but please protect your heart.

keep your focus on your own recovery. you will still be you long after the trial is ended.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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