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#435129 - 05/19/13 08:24 AM Was I in love with my dad?
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
I sat on the stairs, at 7 years old, with my cassette player, alone, all by myself, made sure no one else was around, singing along to a Righteous Brothers tape- singing "Unchained Melody" to.... my own father. To me it was a love song about how much I loved him. I'd sing it and cry. I had romantic feelings for my own father who...... may have never molested me at all. I fell in love with a bunch of different girls, chased them around on the playground in kindergarten and..... I was also in love with my own father. Yet I didn't want out of this fucked up dynamic. I had a Peter Pan Complex and never wanted to grow up. Almost everyone else on here talks about how they couldn't wait to grow up and leave the house. I was in perpetual mourning for my childhood.... while still a child. Constantly depressed at how it was slipping away. What kind of a fucking freakshow wannabe incest survivor am I?

This is also (now, thinking about it) a confusing time period in my life because, although I suspect my dad of being the one I'm seeing in flashbacks, I also lived around my uncle Jimmy and cousin, Jessica (same age as me) during this period (age 6-9). Jimmy gets out of prison in August. He has served 15 years for 11 counts of child sexual abuse, and 1 count of sodomy. At least some (if not all) of those were perpetrated on my cousin, Jessica. I've been trying, but can't, to talk to Jessica and ask her about it all. What is the 1 count of sodomy, for instance?

Anyway, I bring him up to say he and my dad got along swimmingly then, and he is from my dad's side of the family- that side has a LOT of this crap in it is my point. But there's the off-chance it really WAS Jimmy. My dad currently (not being in on my suspicions of him, obviously) has bounced from telling me maybe Jimmy did it, to telling me maybe my uncle Gene (my dad's older brother) did it. Reason being, my dad called me into his room a few weeks ago to show me a sex ad on craigslist with my uncle Gene's picture, titled "A Bear Looking for His Cub", looking for barely legal males to be f-buddies with him. My dad said "This might lend some credence to you believing you were sexually abused by a man". I used a fake account to ask Gene if he would be willing to pretend I was his 5 year old nephew and roleplay with me, to which he responded in graphic detail:

"I would ask you would you like to have a rub down on your stomach & ask you to take off your shirt & then lay on the bed.then ask you to roll over to back then rub down your front & undo your pants &taking your shoes ,socks off, then your pants then your underwear."

He also said "I have a LOT of experience with this". BUUUUUUT.... how did my dad find this ad? Why did he forbid me to write to him clandestinely (he acted miffed when he found out I'd written to him). I mean, really, HOW DID HE HAPPEN UPON THIS AD?!?! I believe my dad posted it himself. But I digress.

My dad would pick me up after school in 1st grade. I don't remember him ever picking up my older brother with me (he was in 2nd grade). And he'd play that same Righteous Brothers tape in the car. He'd stop at the convenience store every day after I got out of school, and let me get a Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze pie (a green one of those hostess fruit pies, except it was filled with cream). Where was my brother? Why was I picked up alone? Then there's a huge gap in my memory and suddenly I'm coming home with him from 2nd grade (a different school- which I can't remember- only just started to remember what the school looked like) bumping into my friend, Marty, from 1st grade, surprised to see him, cuz I hadn't seen him in a long time. Why is there a gap there? And my brother isn't with me. Why would he pick up only me, and not my older brother? It makes no sense.

It's not like he deprived me of love, either, that I would be crying and singing love songs about wishing... something. I don't know what. That he would hold me? I guess? I remember he took me on a 3 hour trip up from Central Oregon, to Portland, when I was 8. He took me, alone, with him, called me his little buddy (he did this a lot) and we went and saw the movie "Rock-A-Doodle" at the Lloyd Center mall in Portland. He wasn't neglectful of me at all. I wasn't deprived of love. Yet I was in love with him. And later on, when I was at my grandma's house in Phoenix, she rented Rock-A-Doodle, and I was overcome with feelings of sexual compulsion. I acted out on these by sneaking off into a bedroom and putting on diapers she'd kept from when we were little. That's the first time (to my RECOLLECTION) I remember getting an erection. From a GODDAMNED DIAPER!!

What the hell is really wrong with me?!?! No, I didn't look forward to getting older. I wanted to get younger. And then at the age of 10, I developed some kind of twisted desire to be anally raped. I WANTED it. I could feel it inside me. I KNEW what it felt like somehow. It turned me on. That scared me. It scared me so much, and I felt so guilty about it, that I wouldn't let my father be behind me. I JUST KNEW, deep down, all the men around me, my dad, men at church, deep down that they were turned on thinking about raping me, and I had to do everything in my power to keep from putting that thought in their head. I knew if I let them stand behind me, or get alone with me, that I would tempt them to do it.

Really, what kind of twisted, fucked up freak was I?! I felt like a girl. I knew they could see it in my eyes that I felt like a girl, and that I was suppressing arousing thoughts of receiving anal sex from them. WTF?! In my mind, I knew the pleasure from anal sex- both for me, the receiver, and them, the giver- was so completely overwhelming that it was just a no-brainer that these men would do it to me at the drop of a hat, given the right circumstances. And it was up to me to be a good little Christian boy (I officially converted at that age) to prevent those circumstances from happening. To prevent them from even having the thought cross their mind of how good it would feel to have anal sex with me. I'm being brutally honest here and this hurts to admit. What in the fucking hell was the matter with me?! It's much scarier to think I WASN'T incested, and was thinking shit like that. THEN what does that make me? Again, some kind of bizarre wannabe incest victim. Huh? Who had borderline nervous breakdowns at night from the fear of growing up. The fear of my dad dying (much of my OCD rituals were done to prevent this).

My mom found me in bed one day, around the age of 13, crying, unable to move or explain to her why I was so goddamned depressed and.... well just depressed, I guess. I was having a nervous breakdown. To this day I still have no idea what the hell I was crying about and why I couldn't stop. You'd have a nervous breakdown, too, if you carried around all the secrets I did of horrible sexual compulsions and uncontrollable OCD to prevent everyone from dying, but never being able to explain to them they owed you their life. Like a secret agent or something. Defusing invisible bombs everywhere to keep them from dying.


Edited by Life's A Dream (05/19/13 08:30 AM)

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#435153 - 05/19/13 04:56 PM Re: Was I in love with my dad? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Really resisting the urge to delete this shit again. Uuuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......

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#435155 - 05/19/13 05:03 PM Re: Was I in love with my dad? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1395
Please keep it posted. I read it and hope to get more time to respond because it touches on a lot of important and real issues. I suspect I am not the only one.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#435159 - 05/19/13 07:02 PM Re: Was I in love with my dad? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
LAD

I was glad to see you post again.
I want to start by saying I have no clue who or if you were done as a 5 year old. The anguish and frustration you feel about this is evident.

Your Dad and his two brother seem like the most likely suspects.
I have a couple of thoughts/questions.

Thought - I KNOW that being a perp of CSA runs in families - brothers especially. If 2 out of 3 than it would not be out of the question for no 3 to also be that way inclined. You have no idea what happened in their childhood. I hate to pull out the vampire card - but the truth is sometimes it happens. Maybe you could try asking your dad if anything happened between them as boys.

Question - What is your dad doing searching those Ads??? Is it because he is worried about you and what you have been up to and is trying to keep an eye on you .... concern? Is it because he is really into that stuff as well? It is a mystery.

Thought - It is totally possible to transfer the confused sexual feelings from your abuser to someone else who shows affection to you in healthy ways. If you were 'gently' abused - the loving groomed type. It would make a 5 year old feel loved etc (I know this first hand). Your little mind would have been trained to associate affection from a man with sex. So when your dad was affectionate to you in healthy ways you may have interpretted that as something else. Again - just a thought. I have NO IDEA what really happened - so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Working through this shit is all you can do. I am sorry I don't have any answers for you.

Lee

_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#435167 - 05/19/13 07:52 PM Re: Was I in love with my dad? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
I sat on the stairs, at 7 years old, with my cassette player, alone, all by myself, made sure no one else was around, singing along to a Righteous Brothers tape- singing "Unchained Melody" to.... my own father. To me it was a love song about how much I loved him. I'd sing it and cry. I had romantic feelings for my own father who...... may have never molested me at all. I fell in love with a bunch of different girls, chased them around on the playground in kindergarten and..... I was also in love with my own father. Yet I didn't want out of this fucked up dynamic. I had a Peter Pan Complex and never wanted to grow up. Almost everyone else on here talks about how they couldn't wait to grow up and leave the house. I was in perpetual mourning for my childhood.... while still a child. Constantly depressed at how it was slipping away. What kind of a fucking freakshow wannabe incest survivor am I?

This is also (now, thinking about it) a confusing time period in my life because, although I suspect my dad of being the one I'm seeing in flashbacks, I also lived around my uncle Jimmy and cousin, Jessica (same age as me) during this period (age 6-9). Jimmy gets out of prison in August. He has served 15 years for 11 counts of child sexual abuse, and 1 count of sodomy. At least some (if not all) of those were perpetrated on my cousin, Jessica. I've been trying, but can't, to talk to Jessica and ask her about it all. What is the 1 count of sodomy, for instance?
You are NOT a freakshow man. You've had freaky shit done to you. Don't call yourself something you know you're not.

I think the fact that your uncle had a criminal record makes him a likely culprit.

Consider that at ages 5-7, children can become infacuated with the opposite sex parent. They talk about marrying them and believe they will be with them when they are older. Of course they are not considering this on sexual terms, but more so on love and nuturing terms. A male whom is sexualy abused at young age may struggle with sexual identity issues, especially if the rape was by another male. The fact that you had loving thoughts for your father may suggest that switch.

Regardless, if that is the case it's an adverse side effect of the abuse, the confusion and guilt about the situation seems to reinforce that likelyhood.

I also, never wanted to grow up. I loved my dad also, I would pick his ear and be very affectionate to him, but that's all I remember. I dont think my father was the culprit though.

It was funny because, my brother was recalling earlier today how my dad would hit him if we were being bad, but never me. He has always been soft on me, I wonder if he carries some guilt himself; because I'm sure he knew about what his brothers were like and I find that simaliritie striking with yourself.

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
Anyway, I bring him up to say he and my dad got along swimmingly then, and he is from my dad's side of the family- that side has a LOT of this crap in it is my point. But there's the off-chance it really WAS Jimmy. My dad currently (not being in on my suspicions of him, obviously) has bounced from telling me maybe Jimmy did it, to telling me maybe my uncle Gene (my dad's older brother) did it. Reason being, my dad called me into his room a few weeks ago to show me a sex ad on craigslist with my uncle Gene's picture, titled "A Bear Looking for His Cub", looking for barely legal males to be f-buddies with him. My dad said "This might lend some credence to you believing you were sexually abused by a man". I used a fake account to ask Gene if he would be willing to pretend I was his 5 year old nephew and roleplay with me, to which he responded in graphic detail:

"I would ask you would you like to have a rub down on your stomach & ask you to take off your shirt & then lay on the bed.then ask you to roll over to back then rub down your front & undo your pants &taking your shoes ,socks off, then your pants then your underwear."
I also think that if your dad was the culprit; he would avoid the subject completely. It would take a pure narcassist to deflect you into believing otherwise and from the way you've composed yourself; I don't think your Dad is like that.

You're uncle just...man. I hear about perps like him all the time, he just fits the bill so clearly.

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
He also said "I have a LOT of experience with this". BUUUUUUT.... how did my dad find this ad? Why did he forbid me to write to him clandestinely (he acted miffed when he found out I'd written to him). I mean, really, HOW DID HE HAPPEN UPON THIS AD?!?! I believe my dad posted it himself. But I digress.
I'm not sure why you're dad would go out his way to do that against someone who is already convicted. He doesn't need to prove to anyone he has a lust for youth, his criminal record states that quite clearly. Regardless, your father could have been linked it or he could of just been browing the local ads on craiglist for a bargain and perhaps got curious about what people were up too locally.

Or his intentions could have been as you suggested, but which do you feel is most likely?

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
My dad would pick me up after school in 1st grade. I don't remember him ever picking up my older brother with me (he was in 2nd grade). And he'd play that same Righteous Brothers tape in the car. He'd stop at the convenience store every day after I got out of school, and let me get a Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze pie (a green one of those hostess fruit pies, except it was filled with cream). Where was my brother? Why was I picked up alone? Then there's a huge gap in my memory and suddenly I'm coming home with him from 2nd grade (a different school- which I can't remember- only just started to remember what the school looked like) bumping into my friend, Marty, from 1st grade, surprised to see him, cuz I hadn't seen him in a long time. Why is there a gap there? And my brother isn't with me. Why would he pick up only me, and not my older brother? It makes no sense.
Perhaps your brother had other plans after school, being older; he could have been doing after school events or going straight to a friends house. It depends on what your parents allowed. I can't see why your father would only pick you up and leave your brother behind, unless your brother was doing something else. Even if you rushed home first, there would be questions asked why he was left? You know these answers better than anyone else. You could also just ask your dad in a covert way as to avoid your suspicion as if its misplaced and your dad is a decent guy; he will understand with time. If not, he will probably get aggressive and defensive, perhaps call you crazy if he has something to hide.

Otherwise, you played the song and he probably heard you playing it and thought he would put his kids song on. I have to be honest, if my kids played decent music and liked it, I wouldn't mind having it on in the car if it pleases all. That's just me though.

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
It's not like he deprived me of love, either, that I would be crying and singing love songs about wishing... something. I don't know what. That he would hold me? I guess? I remember he took me on a 3 hour trip up from Central Oregon, to Portland, when I was 8. He took me, alone, with him, called me his little buddy (he did this a lot) and we went and saw the movie "Rock-A-Doodle" at the Lloyd Center mall in Portland. He wasn't neglectful of me at all. I wasn't deprived of love. Yet I was in love with him. And later on, when I was at my grandma's house in Phoenix, she rented Rock-A-Doodle, and I was overcome with feelings of sexual compulsion. I acted out on these by sneaking off into a bedroom and putting on diapers she'd kept from when we were little. That's the first time (to my RECOLLECTION) I remember getting an erection. From a GODDAMNED DIAPER!!
It almost as if you wanted to be saved by your father. And as per the diaper thing, you know I can relate.

I'm sure I've shared the diaper theory before, but we regress for a reason; safety and security. Getting arroused by a diaper could indicate diapers were part of the abuse or as was suggested to me by an aquitance of mine; it could have been that I saw my younger cousin in diapers and thought thats what I needed to get attention. Add in the premature sexual contact and 'sexual activation', it's going to create a diaper complex easy enough IMO.

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
What the hell is really wrong with me?!?! No, I didn't look forward to getting older. I wanted to get younger. And then at the age of 10, I developed some kind of twisted desire to be anally raped. I WANTED it. I could feel it inside me. I KNEW what it felt like somehow. It turned me on. That scared me. It scared me so much, and I felt so guilty about it, that I wouldn't let my father be behind me. I JUST KNEW, deep down, all the men around me, my dad, men at church, deep down that they were turned on thinking about raping me, and I had to do everything in my power to keep from putting that thought in their head. I knew if I let them stand behind me, or get alone with me, that I would tempt them to do it.
My bold: NOTHING!!! Nothing is wrong with you AT ALL.

I had the same thoughts man. I wanted it and I still have invasive fantasies which I kind of surrended to and just go along with. But kids who have been in a situation involving sex tend to purposely put themselves in harms way in the future. Remembering that all behaviour is learned, we have this morphed perception of how to gain affection and attention, through the thing that was bestwoed upon us at such a young age. It's confusion.

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
Really, what kind of twisted, fucked up freak was I?! I felt like a girl. I knew they could see it in my eyes that I felt like a girl, and that I was suppressing arousing thoughts of receiving anal sex from them. WTF?! In my mind, I knew the pleasure from anal sex- both for me, the receiver, and them, the giver- was so completely overwhelming that it was just a no-brainer that these men would do it to me at the drop of a hat, given the right circumstances. And it was up to me to be a good little Christian boy (I officially converted at that age) to prevent those circumstances from happening. To prevent them from even having the thought cross their mind of how good it would feel to have anal sex with me. I'm being brutally honest here and this hurts to admit. What in the fucking hell was the matter with me?! It's much scarier to think I WASN'T incested, and was thinking shit like that. THEN what does that make me? Again, some kind of bizarre wannabe incest victim. Huh? Who had borderline nervous breakdowns at night from the fear of growing up. The fear of my dad dying (much of my OCD rituals were done to prevent this).
You weren't a freak AT ALL! I will keep repeating this till it sinks in!

I felt like a girl also, I even cross dressed as a kid and got obsessed with wearing my sisters tutu when I was 8. I felt awesome when I wore it.

No one NATURALLY develops this behaviour. If you had 100,000 people who had nothing but a positive enviroment growing up; none of them would develop these fantasies. There is no reason, no catalyst and no cause for them to do so. All thoughts, ideas and behaviours that we posses are influenced via an experience. We may be able to create new ideas freshly, but everything has a bais on experience. That is what I believe and if you also believe that; you must believe that as your instincts are telling you, as they told me; these are not natural to our personalities and they are causing us conflict because they were inflicted upon us!

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
My mom found me in bed one day, around the age of 13, crying, unable to move or explain to her why I was so goddamned depressed and.... well just depressed, I guess. I was having a nervous breakdown. To this day I still have no idea what the hell I was crying about and why I couldn't stop. You'd have a nervous breakdown, too, if you carried around all the secrets I did of horrible sexual compulsions and uncontrollable OCD to prevent everyone from dying, but never being able to explain to them they owed you their life. Like a secret agent or something. Defusing invisible bombs everywhere to keep them from dying.

It was exhausting. I remember weaping, in secret and in silence.

I understand; you want them to know how much you're struggling, perhaps they can rescue you. But you don't want your efforts spoiled to keep them safe.

To me, the fear of telling my parents something was wrong would hinder my obsessive compulsiveness efforts to keep them alive.

Poorsoft

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#435205 - 05/19/13 11:23 PM Re: Was I in love with my dad? [Re: Poorsoft]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Originally Posted By: Poorsoft
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
I sat on the stairs, at 7 years old, with my cassette player, alone, all by myself, made sure no one else was around, singing along to a Righteous Brothers tape- singing "Unchained Melody" to.... my own father. To me it was a love song about how much I loved him. I'd sing it and cry. I had romantic feelings for my own father who...... may have never molested me at all. I fell in love with a bunch of different girls, chased them around on the playground in kindergarten and..... I was also in love with my own father. Yet I didn't want out of this fucked up dynamic. I had a Peter Pan Complex and never wanted to grow up. Almost everyone else on here talks about how they couldn't wait to grow up and leave the house. I was in perpetual mourning for my childhood.... while still a child. Constantly depressed at how it was slipping away. What kind of a fucking freakshow wannabe incest survivor am I?

This is also (now, thinking about it) a confusing time period in my life because, although I suspect my dad of being the one I'm seeing in flashbacks, I also lived around my uncle Jimmy and cousin, Jessica (same age as me) during this period (age 6-9). Jimmy gets out of prison in August. He has served 15 years for 11 counts of child sexual abuse, and 1 count of sodomy. At least some (if not all) of those were perpetrated on my cousin, Jessica. I've been trying, but can't, to talk to Jessica and ask her about it all. What is the 1 count of sodomy, for instance?
You are NOT a freakshow man. You've had freaky shit done to you. Don't call yourself something you know you're not.

I think the fact that your uncle had a criminal record makes him a likely culprit.

Consider that at ages 5-7, children can become infacuated with the opposite sex parent. They talk about marrying them and believe they will be with them when they are older. Of course they are not considering this on sexual terms, but more so on love and nuturing terms. A male whom is sexualy abused at young age may struggle with sexual identity issues, especially if the rape was by another male. The fact that you had loving thoughts for your father may suggest that switch.

Regardless, if that is the case it's an adverse side effect of the abuse, the confusion and guilt about the situation seems to reinforce that likelyhood.

I also, never wanted to grow up. I loved my dad also, I would pick his ear and be very affectionate to him, but that's all I remember. I dont think my father was the culprit though.

It was funny because, my brother was recalling earlier today how my dad would hit him if we were being bad, but never me. He has always been soft on me, I wonder if he carries some guilt himself; because I'm sure he knew about what his brothers were like and I find that simaliritie striking with yourself.

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
Anyway, I bring him up to say he and my dad got along swimmingly then, and he is from my dad's side of the family- that side has a LOT of this crap in it is my point. But there's the off-chance it really WAS Jimmy. My dad currently (not being in on my suspicions of him, obviously) has bounced from telling me maybe Jimmy did it, to telling me maybe my uncle Gene (my dad's older brother) did it. Reason being, my dad called me into his room a few weeks ago to show me a sex ad on craigslist with my uncle Gene's picture, titled "A Bear Looking for His Cub", looking for barely legal males to be f-buddies with him. My dad said "This might lend some credence to you believing you were sexually abused by a man". I used a fake account to ask Gene if he would be willing to pretend I was his 5 year old nephew and roleplay with me, to which he responded in graphic detail:

"I would ask you would you like to have a rub down on your stomach & ask you to take off your shirt & then lay on the bed.then ask you to roll over to back then rub down your front & undo your pants &taking your shoes ,socks off, then your pants then your underwear."
I also think that if your dad was the culprit; he would avoid the subject completely. It would take a pure narcassist to deflect you into believing otherwise and from the way you've composed yourself; I don't think your Dad is like that.

You're uncle just...man. I hear about perps like him all the time, he just fits the bill so clearly.

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
He also said "I have a LOT of experience with this". BUUUUUUT.... how did my dad find this ad? Why did he forbid me to write to him clandestinely (he acted miffed when he found out I'd written to him). I mean, really, HOW DID HE HAPPEN UPON THIS AD?!?! I believe my dad posted it himself. But I digress.
I'm not sure why you're dad would go out his way to do that against someone who is already convicted. He doesn't need to prove to anyone he has a lust for youth, his criminal record states that quite clearly. Regardless, your father could have been linked it or he could of just been browing the local ads on craiglist for a bargain and perhaps got curious about what people were up too locally.

Or his intentions could have been as you suggested, but which do you feel is most likely?

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
My dad would pick me up after school in 1st grade. I don't remember him ever picking up my older brother with me (he was in 2nd grade). And he'd play that same Righteous Brothers tape in the car. He'd stop at the convenience store every day after I got out of school, and let me get a Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze pie (a green one of those hostess fruit pies, except it was filled with cream). Where was my brother? Why was I picked up alone? Then there's a huge gap in my memory and suddenly I'm coming home with him from 2nd grade (a different school- which I can't remember- only just started to remember what the school looked like) bumping into my friend, Marty, from 1st grade, surprised to see him, cuz I hadn't seen him in a long time. Why is there a gap there? And my brother isn't with me. Why would he pick up only me, and not my older brother? It makes no sense.
Perhaps your brother had other plans after school, being older; he could have been doing after school events or going straight to a friends house. It depends on what your parents allowed. I can't see why your father would only pick you up and leave your brother behind, unless your brother was doing something else. Even if you rushed home first, there would be questions asked why he was left? You know these answers better than anyone else. You could also just ask your dad in a covert way as to avoid your suspicion as if its misplaced and your dad is a decent guy; he will understand with time. If not, he will probably get aggressive and defensive, perhaps call you crazy if he has something to hide.

Otherwise, you played the song and he probably heard you playing it and thought he would put his kids song on. I have to be honest, if my kids played decent music and liked it, I wouldn't mind having it on in the car if it pleases all. That's just me though.

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
It's not like he deprived me of love, either, that I would be crying and singing love songs about wishing... something. I don't know what. That he would hold me? I guess? I remember he took me on a 3 hour trip up from Central Oregon, to Portland, when I was 8. He took me, alone, with him, called me his little buddy (he did this a lot) and we went and saw the movie "Rock-A-Doodle" at the Lloyd Center mall in Portland. He wasn't neglectful of me at all. I wasn't deprived of love. Yet I was in love with him. And later on, when I was at my grandma's house in Phoenix, she rented Rock-A-Doodle, and I was overcome with feelings of sexual compulsion. I acted out on these by sneaking off into a bedroom and putting on diapers she'd kept from when we were little. That's the first time (to my RECOLLECTION) I remember getting an erection. From a GODDAMNED DIAPER!!
It almost as if you wanted to be saved by your father. And as per the diaper thing, you know I can relate.

I'm sure I've shared the diaper theory before, but we regress for a reason; safety and security. Getting arroused by a diaper could indicate diapers were part of the abuse or as was suggested to me by an aquitance of mine; it could have been that I saw my younger cousin in diapers and thought thats what I needed to get attention. Add in the premature sexual contact and 'sexual activation', it's going to create a diaper complex easy enough IMO.

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
What the hell is really wrong with me?!?! No, I didn't look forward to getting older. I wanted to get younger. And then at the age of 10, I developed some kind of twisted desire to be anally raped. I WANTED it. I could feel it inside me. I KNEW what it felt like somehow. It turned me on. That scared me. It scared me so much, and I felt so guilty about it, that I wouldn't let my father be behind me. I JUST KNEW, deep down, all the men around me, my dad, men at church, deep down that they were turned on thinking about raping me, and I had to do everything in my power to keep from putting that thought in their head. I knew if I let them stand behind me, or get alone with me, that I would tempt them to do it.
My bold: NOTHING!!! Nothing is wrong with you AT ALL.

I had the same thoughts man. I wanted it and I still have invasive fantasies which I kind of surrended to and just go along with. But kids who have been in a situation involving sex tend to purposely put themselves in harms way in the future. Remembering that all behaviour is learned, we have this morphed perception of how to gain affection and attention, through the thing that was bestwoed upon us at such a young age. It's confusion.

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
Really, what kind of twisted, fucked up freak was I?! I felt like a girl. I knew they could see it in my eyes that I felt like a girl, and that I was suppressing arousing thoughts of receiving anal sex from them. WTF?! In my mind, I knew the pleasure from anal sex- both for me, the receiver, and them, the giver- was so completely overwhelming that it was just a no-brainer that these men would do it to me at the drop of a hat, given the right circumstances. And it was up to me to be a good little Christian boy (I officially converted at that age) to prevent those circumstances from happening. To prevent them from even having the thought cross their mind of how good it would feel to have anal sex with me. I'm being brutally honest here and this hurts to admit. What in the fucking hell was the matter with me?! It's much scarier to think I WASN'T incested, and was thinking shit like that. THEN what does that make me? Again, some kind of bizarre wannabe incest victim. Huh? Who had borderline nervous breakdowns at night from the fear of growing up. The fear of my dad dying (much of my OCD rituals were done to prevent this).
You weren't a freak AT ALL! I will keep repeating this till it sinks in!

I felt like a girl also, I even cross dressed as a kid and got obsessed with wearing my sisters tutu when I was 8. I felt awesome when I wore it.

No one NATURALLY develops this behaviour. If you had 100,000 people who had nothing but a positive enviroment growing up; none of them would develop these fantasies. There is no reason, no catalyst and no cause for them to do so. All thoughts, ideas and behaviours that we posses are influenced via an experience. We may be able to create new ideas freshly, but everything has a bais on experience. That is what I believe and if you also believe that; you must believe that as your instincts are telling you, as they told me; these are not natural to our personalities and they are causing us conflict because they were inflicted upon us!

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
My mom found me in bed one day, around the age of 13, crying, unable to move or explain to her why I was so goddamned depressed and.... well just depressed, I guess. I was having a nervous breakdown. To this day I still have no idea what the hell I was crying about and why I couldn't stop. You'd have a nervous breakdown, too, if you carried around all the secrets I did of horrible sexual compulsions and uncontrollable OCD to prevent everyone from dying, but never being able to explain to them they owed you their life. Like a secret agent or something. Defusing invisible bombs everywhere to keep them from dying.

It was exhausting. I remember weaping, in secret and in silence.

I understand; you want them to know how much you're struggling, perhaps they can rescue you. But you don't want your efforts spoiled to keep them safe.

To me, the fear of telling my parents something was wrong would hinder my obsessive compulsiveness efforts to keep them alive.

Poorsoft


Oh, shoot, let me clear something up. Jimmy is the uncle who is in prison currently, who raped his stepdaughter, my cousin Jessica. Technically he is my dad's cousin, so I don't know, but I guess that makes him my cousin, too? I don't know how that works.

Gene is the uncle who is my dad's older brother, the one my dad officially stated to me most recently was his pick for most likely culprit. He is the one whose craigslist ad, trolling for young, just-turned adult guys. This isn't my official reply to all you said. Still working on one for all of you guys cuz you've all been so helpful, but I haven't slept for many days and I'm having trouble thinking or even typing, so I can;t reply as I want to but I needed to clear that up. Jimmy = convicted pedophile. Gene = craigslist ad uncle who described how he would roleplay with me if I pretended to be the five year old nephew and he the uncle (he, not realizing it was me speaking to him, as I used a fake anonmyous account and name). Gene has never been busted for any sex crimes (thought he should have for a number of different reasons, including letting his 12 year old daughter live at his house with her 20 year old boyfriend). My dad's entire side of the family is all kinds of fucked up. Anyway, I'm falling asleep as I type this and wanted to make sure to clear that up so y'all aren't laboring under the misapprehension Gene has a criminal record for pedophilia. He doesn't. But probably should. Nevertheless. I had not posted an ad to craigslist for months when my dad "accidentally" happened upon Gene's ad. In order for him to "accidentally" have done so he would need to have been reading through between 50-100 new casual encounters ads on craigslist every single day, for several months with not a word from me, in order to have "accidentally" found Gene's ad. It's WAYYYYYY too much of a coincidence. And I could see it in his eyes from the moment he showed me it. I knew how impossible it was and I could see that he could see I knew it. It is extremely unlikely for there to be any other explanation for that ad than him planting it himself. I'm sorry. Just makes no sense, otherwise. Damnit. This took me forever to type and I keep falling asleep. I will come back later........

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#435217 - 05/20/13 02:07 AM Re: Was I in love with my dad? [Re: Life's A Dream]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
LAD, Well, I hope you fell asleep and that you are now resting.

I think you experienced abuse as a baby before you can consciously remember it. Hence the diaper thing. When I told my therapist I thought I was abused at a very young age, he used a technique called Deep Relaxation. It wasn't painful. The first thing I remembered was being a very small boy and rolling on the floor with a puppy. I had the warm feelings of a warm puppy. Nice.

But yes, your father's family is really f--k-d up. You may have multiple abusers. They are playing cat-and-mouse with you. They are using your confusion to prolong your misery. They don't have a healthy sense of boundaries. Their boundaries between sick behavior and healthy behavior are very blurred. In this way you have also acquired (learned) these unhealthy barriers. Barriers are in the mind.

When I was in church yesterday, there was a perfectly normal man who sings great music for us. He has a little boy about 6 who follows him around admiringly like a puppy dog. He follows him wherever he goes. It is not unhealthy. There is nothing going on. It is normal for a boy like that to imprint on his father. That's how the boy learns who and what he is. But in a situation where the little boy follows the dad admiringly, if the dad is less than completely honorable, it would be very easy to take advantage of the boy in a wrong way. Then, the boy would hide that in his mind in a way he didn't have to be aware of the pain he experienced.

That's what happened to me. My father was working very long hours in the military. The neighbor offered to take care of me Saturday-overnight-Sunday so the mother could get a break. The man took advantage of that situation and did stuff that he should not have done. There were some other little boys running around in the neighborhood and so he used the situation to take pictures......and abuse.... I didn't learn from the proper role models of who and what I was supposed to be. That set me up for a lot of trouble. It gave me a lot of unhealthy emotions which would take me years to deal with.

Puffer

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#435229 - 05/20/13 04:00 AM Re: Was I in love with my dad? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
"It's much scarier to think I WASN'T incested, and was thinking shit like that. THEN what does that make me? Again, some kind of bizarre wannabe incest victim. Huh? Who had borderline nervous breakdowns at night from the fear of growing up."

Children do not start having night terrors, nervous breakdowns, and severe depression because they didn't eat their peas and carrots. The presence of all that suffering you experienced as a child is secondary proof, like smoke or a shadow, that you were sexually abused. Unfortunately, it sounds like you lived with or around your abuser for some time, which is inherently disruptive to an already unstable survival attempt a CSA victim undertakes. One day the fog of flashbacks will be lifted and your memory of what happened will become more clear. When that day comes and you recall who did this to you whether or not it was your dad, your uncle, or somebody else in your life at the time I will believe you and find them blameworthy.

A child's love is practically unconditional so when it is betrayed by those closest to him/her how can we possibly expect them to reconcile that fact with their situation? Now you are an adult survivor and working through it the best you can except this time you don't have to do it alone ; )
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#435272 - 05/20/13 05:16 PM Re: Was I in love with my dad? [Re: Life's A Dream]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL

Hi Bryan. Finally have a little time to sit down and do some reading/posting this afternoon. Now that I've read all your replies I don't have a lot to add that wouldn't sound like I was just regurgitating what others have already said or repeating the things I said to you privately.

The one thing you mention that sticks out to me more than anything else you posted here was the fantasies you developed at 10 of men forcibly sodomizing you. (God that part triggered the shit out of me!) Not that I have common experiences from my own childhood but just issues with children and sexuality and whatnot. That's not your fault though, so don't worry about it. I am responsible for my own triggers and for how I handle them. Anyway.....

I am going to have to say that there is not one 10 year old child on this planet who would have those thoughts/fantasies about grown men who had also not been sexually abused. Those types of thoughts don't just randomly happen in the minds of 10 yr old children. It very well could be that the things that happened to you happened at an age that you were to young to really remember much. Hell, I don't remember much from when I was five and under either. Not good stuff or bad stuff. Almost nothing at all. Just little flashes of things and scant memories. So, add the fact that what happened to you at a very young age was traumatic and confusing and it makes sense that your conscious mind blocked it out. A few years later, when you were 10, those memories were still kicking around in your subconscious mind and manifesting themselves in your conscious mind as rape fantasies and whatnot. I have to believe that's what it is. I'm no therapist and certainly no genius but after reading that whole post that's the only analysis I can think of that makes any sense to me.

Anyway, as usual, I have to wish you luck in your search for answers. Don't give up man. Take it easy. Peace,

Ken

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#435281 - 05/20/13 06:46 PM Re: Was I in love with my dad? [Re: Life's A Dream]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:23 PM)

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