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#435157 - 05/19/13 06:28 PM Hello All
GummyBear Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 6
Loc: Texas
Hello folks,

Normally I'm not one for bringing any attention to myself at all and hate when people (especially adult males) take any notice of me. But as my T said a few months ago, "you say that nothing interests you, nothing excites you, and you live every day looking for distractions. If you refuse to face your abuse head on then you've got the rest of your life to live in that same mode...so how's that working out for you?" He is sometimes rather straight forward and doesn't pull a punch, but I admire that honesty and with my tendency to treat anyone in authority with contempt and anger, it did snap me out of denial and I'm trying to finally call a spade a spade rather than dress it up with the "rules" I learned so long ago.

So, in an attempt to shed the shackles, although in an admittedly anonymous method, I'll take the step of saying hello. About me...hmm. I'm 44, have a job working from home so I only leave the house twice a week (once for grocery shopping and once for my T appointment), have a lovely supporting wife and no children (I became sterile as a result of cancer treatments back in 2003 - cancer the gift that just keeps on giving). Which is a great segue into the next paragraph.

Things really came to a head when my wife and I attempted to adopt a child who had experienced a lot of SA from his biological father. I thought I was the perfect candidate for the role of father to such a child given my own history (which I'd never told anyone about) and when that failed about 2 years ago due to the child's behaviors, I stopped eating (dropping 60 lb.'s or so), stopped going to church (my only source of outside communication since I work from home and have no one I'd call a friend), and pretty much just shut down. I had always thought I had turned my back on the things from the past but my T has shown me how those things have effected everything from my cynical outlook on life to my introverted personality.

I reckon that's enough of an introduction but as I strive toward a supposedly brighter future, I expect to be here rather often. Thanks for the time reading this.

- GB
_________________________
Sometimes it seems unfair that events so old can reach forward through the years, sinking claws into one's life and twisting all that follows it. Yet perhaps that is the ultimate justice: we are the sum of all we have done added to the sum of all that has been done to us.–Robin Hobb, Fool’s Fate

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#435165 - 05/19/13 07:33 PM Re: Hello All [Re: GummyBear]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
welcome to a place where i hope you feel safe enough to explore your thoughts and feelings as honestly and openly as you dare.

you may also be as private and protected as you need.

i like it here.

anything you wish to share i will accept as a gift.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435186 - 05/19/13 09:40 PM Re: Hello All [Re: GummyBear]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hey GB:

Welcome to MaleSurvivor: I hope you find a lot of healing and help here: I certainly have.

Tough story about the adoption: I am sorry. It must cut you deeply. Keep taking care of yourself on this journey of recovery and building and reclaiming your life and great things will happen for you and your spouse.

Catch you around!

Jamie
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#435233 - 05/20/13 05:23 AM Re: Hello All [Re: GummyBear]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1557
Loc: New England
Welcome GB,

Glad you made it here. MS makes life a little easier by giving you a place to express your experiences, thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement. Because we've all been through it, we all get it. So congratulations, you've just gotten 12,000 new brothers.

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#435256 - 05/20/13 01:35 PM Re: Hello All [Re: GummyBear]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
GB, welcome to the site. Your T sounds like mine and he does not let me dodge anything either, but gently and safely guides me through it. There are things I don't get, but I'm making progress. I've been here since last July and I've found love, support and understanding here. I started T late last year so I'm moving forward. I am glad you found MS, and know you will find friends here, other guys who really do "get it" without explanation or whatever, we just do. Welcome Brother!
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#435287 - 05/20/13 06:55 PM Re: Hello All [Re: GummyBear]
GummyBear Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 6
Loc: Texas
Thank you so much for a warm welcome. I've always considered my so completely alone. I almost cried reading your responses.
Again, thank you.

GB
_________________________
Sometimes it seems unfair that events so old can reach forward through the years, sinking claws into one's life and twisting all that follows it. Yet perhaps that is the ultimate justice: we are the sum of all we have done added to the sum of all that has been done to us.–Robin Hobb, Fool’s Fate

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#435500 - 05/22/13 06:24 PM Re: Hello All [Re: GummyBear]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:35 PM)

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#435514 - 05/22/13 08:54 PM Re: Hello All [Re: GummyBear]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Welcome, Gummy. You have come to a safe place where people will understand your experiences. Your T is correct... and I am glad he snapped something in you to cause you to begin to think differently. So very good to meet you, my man.

bill
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#435616 - 05/23/13 09:12 PM Re: Hello All [Re: GummyBear]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
praying for you brother, for God did Not put the spirit of fear In man.You have so much within you and God wants to use you and he will never be able to use you until you except His will for your life. Although you are working on your life and that is comenable, I just no you are not living the abundant life Christ has called us all to live. Keep moving forward brother you will get there. Going into deep prayer for you
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#435626 - 05/24/13 12:13 AM Re: Hello All [Re: GummyBear]
GummyBear Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 6
Loc: Texas
Thank you all,
I'm working on 'my' story, It is long and hard and the interplay of emotional, physical, and sexual abuses are very difficult for me to even separate today, BodyGuard got it right about the difficulties involved in incest, There are familial obligations, vs, what I know is right (but feel is wrong),
My story will tell it all from the aspect it had on me, And to hell with anyone else, I tried to tell when I recognized it for what it was when I was 12 and was told that "that is a serious accusation to bring against any man...are your sure you want to pursue that form of investigation?"...I coward’ed out and accepted the inevitability of punishment to come and all that followed,

Soon I will bring it all to light (with different names and such so no specific person can be identified) but with my story finally told in its fullest details, no holds barred, this is what happened and these are the effects I'm struggling with today,

How unapologetically you all accept me, I've always condemned my inner child for his weakness in not accepting the inevitability for his decisions (and those thrust upon him) but for never even once saying 'no', But always trying to amp it up to a new level for his "lover", I sit at this ripe age and wander if I had a child who at the age of 8 said he had a 'lover' whether I'd beat this ‘lover’ unmercifully or just turn it over to the law, but the rules seemed different to me back in '75'.

Thanks again for your time and I truly appreciate and accept *your* acceptance of me,
-GB
_________________________
Sometimes it seems unfair that events so old can reach forward through the years, sinking claws into one's life and twisting all that follows it. Yet perhaps that is the ultimate justice: we are the sum of all we have done added to the sum of all that has been done to us.–Robin Hobb, Fool’s Fate

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