This was a letter to a friend on here and I decided, because I've never officially told my Survivor Story on here, that I would tell what I have so far. I'm being a little lazy not editing it, so just understand this was a letter to a friend on here about what goes on with me, and where I'm at in finding out the truth of what my story really is:

You said: "scar tissue can be very sensitive as well as numb."

Very very true. Some CSA survivors are very triggerable (sensitive scars) and some of us have deadened emotions and are untriggerable (numb). Perfect analogy. And I think it works in stages. If you don't know, my issue is that I have repressed memories that are only just now starting to come back. And another analogy for that could be it's like when your foot falls asleep. It starts out numb, then as the blood rushes back in (like memories coming back) it can be acutely painful (like "pins and needles"), seemingly unbearable, but then it finally abates and you're back to feeling again.

Of course a lot of this is me hypothesizing, since I have not reached the point where I've really started getting at the heart of what really happened to me. Have you ever had tactile flashbacks (also called "body memories"), where it's only the memory of the sense of touch of what was done to you? It feels like a ghost is touching you all over. I get that every night. And sometimes during the day. And sometimes when these body memories get strong enough they cause me to be "transported", if you will, and suddenly I'm back in time, in a different (old) bedroom, watching a man walking in on me. The room is always dark.

These are visual flashbacks. They're rare for me, and I honestly wish they would happen more often. They're the most valuable pieces of information for me, because I'm actually back there again, seeing what's happening. It's frustrating though, because they only last for a couple of seconds at the most, and because it apparently took place in a dark bedroom, I can't see much of anything. I'm always in bed with my back to the wall, facing toward my bedroom door. To this day, I still have to sleep like this. I have always had to have my back to the wall facing toward the door, so no one can sneak up on me.

Like in some I've seen this man reaching over me from in front of me. Another I've seen him reaching over me from behind me toward my crotch, while apparently laying behind me. And in still another I've seen him come and sit down on the side of the bed with his back to me, and his left hand moving toward my crotch. As scary as these feel when they're happening, they are like gold to me right now, because they show me everything.

I'll feel terror while they're happening, and then pop back in time into the present, in my modern day bed, shaking. Sometimes it takes a good 15 minutes or so to calm down.

And then there is the recurring dream. I haven't had it in a long time. In fact, I haven't been able to remember my dreams at all for a long time now. But in this dream, the man is facing toward me, and I'm much shorter than him (I would guess around 5 years old- but that's a guess) and (as happens in dreams) several separate events seem to be occurring all at once, instead of in any kind of chronological order. I feel sick to my stomach- like when someone kicks you really hard in the testicles- yet extremely aroused- feels like my testicles and entire genitals are simultaneously being squeezed by his hand (and I'm way too scared to move), but also feels like there's wetness down there, like a tongue (again- it's like nothing is in chronological order- it's ALL happening at the same time), AND I feel as though he's up inside of my rectum (which is HIGHLY sexually arousing- not at all to say it feels "good"- it feels sick- "bad lovesick" I've termed it).

And these are when I hurt the most. Upon waking up from this dream. I'm in the most emotional pain. Nevermind the punched-in-the-testicles/stomach cramp/urge to vomit physical feelings. It's the emotional pain that hurts the worst. I haven't had this recurring dream in a long time.

When this all started 2 years ago, I'd say that was when it was the most painful (sensitive scar tissue, from your analogy), and lately I've been totally numb, and only getting "body memories". Had a bunch last night. Interestingly, over the last 2 years, the body memories seem to be moving, as to where they're concentrated the most. At first it was touching of my upper back. Then lower back. Then squeezing of my hips and what feels like finger tips tracing their way down past my belly button to my crotch.

Do I sound crazy, or what? Anyway, your comment made me think of all this. It is very true "scar tissue can be very sensitive as well as numb."


Edited by ModTeam (05/20/13 02:04 PM)
Edit Reason: added trigger warning