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#434997 - 05/17/13 06:43 PM war stories
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
Been a while since I last posted here. Been doing pretty well mostly.. flashbacks sometimes, but I'm getting pretty good at riding them out.. difficult to explain how. Anyway, what's hitting me now is that for the second time I'm dealing with hearing someone tell a war story about how someone supposedly got out of the kind of gun to head situation that ended with me getting raped about ten years ago.
I feel obligated to appreciate someone's bravery, but not without feelings that make me want to hurt myself. I'm not suicidal, but it just really messes with me really bad.
All the talk about how courageous I am by therapists just goes out the window and I feel like crap. And this hit when I was already depressed. It makes me feel like I should have made him shoot me instead of let him rape me.

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#435022 - 05/17/13 11:24 PM Re: war stories [Re: Jaifian]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Jaifian, it's good to hear that you do well most of the time. I appreciate the phrase "riding them out" concerning the flashbacks. I am still learning how to do that. Unfortunately, those flashbacks seem to sneak in and drag us back to a place and time we don't want to go.

I can't pretend to know what an assault does to a man when a gun is involved and your life is threatened. I can only imagine. I do know what it feels like to have my life threatened multiple times by the same man who raped me (I think this may be the first time I have admitted this on MS- thats a big thing). And I have the flashbacks that remind me it did happen, my life was threatened, and it fucks me up for a while also.

Don't think for an instant you did something wrong. I am telling you ... it is a fallacy... FALLACY... you had nothing to do with your rape. I was assaulted and there was nothing I could do and there wasn't even a gun. Hell-o-Pete, you had a gun to your head!

I am glad you returned to post.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#435058 - 05/18/13 04:38 PM Re: war stories [Re: Jaifian]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: Jaifian
All the talk about how courageous I am by therapists just goes out the window and I feel like crap. And this hit when I was already depressed. It makes me feel like I should have made him shoot me instead of let him rape me.


I absolutely hate this feeling. I have thoughts like that, too, a lot. I wish I had something to say other than that. You are not alone.
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#435068 - 05/18/13 06:04 PM Re: war stories [Re: Jaifian]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
I have a hard time believing anyone could truly "get out of" a true gun-to-head situation, but for a gun of their own. I'd sooner call BS. Everybody likes to make out like they're more than they actually are. What you lived was reality.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#435180 - 05/19/13 09:06 PM Re: war stories [Re: Jaifian]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3342
Loc: O Kanada
"All the talk about how courageous I am by therapists just goes out the window and I feel like crap. And this hit when I was already depressed. It makes me feel like I should have made him shoot me instead of let him rape me." -Jaifian

i understand your statement perfectly. i asked myself why i submitted to a death threat. all i had to go on was a threat, a choke, and a look in the eye. no gun.

i don't blame myself for not choosing death before dishonour.
i chose life. he was a killer.
i survived. you survived.
this is the life we chose.
the life of a survivor.

i believe that decision saved your life.
i know it saved mine.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435232 - 05/20/13 04:58 AM Re: war stories [Re: Jaifian]
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
It's a wierd kind of shame dynamic that goes on because I don't think of other men who get raped as weak or cowardly, and most of the time I don't feel that way about myself either. But when I hear someone talking about how they out-witted or out-nerved someone pointing a gun at them I just feel like crawling in a hole and dying.
The first time it happened it was exactly like soccer star was talking about.. pure bull coming from a habitual liar.. so it was a lot easier to just blow it off. This time though, it's someone else saying almost the same thing and this is someone I hold in higher regard.
Part of me still wants to think its BS, but either way it still makes me feel like I should just go off and do hari kari or something. And I agree that it's not right that I should feel that way, but I just do.

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#435273 - 05/20/13 05:17 PM Re: war stories [Re: Jaifian]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3342
Loc: O Kanada
odd. you are right about that.
i never judge other survivors as i do myself.
good insight.

this "shame dynamic" you talk about, compelled me to seek danger and prove my "manhood" needlessly over and over again with unecessary risks for years. i dared god to kill me.
i stood on the roof of a building in a storm holding an aluminum pole screaming "go ahead. take me now" just to freak out my cowering coworkers.
mountain climbing wasn't enough, i had to climb volcanoes.
i lived through a landslide with rocks the size of small cars.
i spend months in the golden triangle.
i had guns pointed at me. i had enemies.
i went way out of my way to prove to myself and anyone who paid attention... i was psycho. i carried a knife. i cut myself.
whenever i cheated death, i would laugh hysterically.
people avoided me. except other psychos.

i was lucky for a long time. all i proved was my stupidity.
everything i did showed clearly how scared i was inside.

as i have mentioned elsewhere in this forum... my children saved me from being compulsive. they entered my train of thought. i had to live to protect them.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435314 - 05/20/13 11:24 PM Re: war stories [Re: Jaifian]
honorableman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 25
Loc: United States
I think we all need to remember we were never prepared for these assaults. Some were at knifepoint, probably most were through lies and grooming.

Rape has no affect on one's manhood. Period , end of story. THE shame is on the rapist (s) not on us, 'bro.

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#435325 - 05/21/13 01:12 AM Re: war stories [Re: Jaifian]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3342
Loc: O Kanada
honorableman, so true.
i needed to hear that.
some day i'll believe.
jaifian, you will too.
thanks, guys.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435394 - 05/21/13 10:01 PM Re: war stories [Re: Jaifian]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
thanks, honrableman... Period, end of story. I like that and this is a good post to use it on. One day we will all embrace that truth.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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