I am trying to figure this all out 25 years after my abuse's occurred.
Many of us waited years before we had the strength, and perhaps desperation, to disclose our childhood sexual abuse. You are in good company. We are men in all shapes and sizes, all walks of life, all ages, all orientations, and from several different countires. But the one thing that unites us is our childhood experiences, and how that affected our lives. You've made a good start by posting your introduction. Keep reading and posting when you need to get something out or ask a question. From this point forward, you do not have to do this alone.
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."Pink Floyd