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#434884 - 05/16/13 09:14 PM Found out husband was molested by his sister
acj32 Offline


Registered: 05/16/13
Posts: 5
I just found out that my husband was molested by his 4 years older sister when he was litte.

My husband has never told anyone about the incident before and I don't think he was even planning to tell me. One night we were arguing about some other stuff he just blurt out this horrible event in his life. I am so shocked.

I have known my husband for 6 years. When I first met him, he was an easy-going guy with a great sense of humor. After we got married (for almost 4years now) I started to see some parts of him that he only shows to his closest friends/family. He has a extremely short fuse, gets unbelievably angry very fast, seemed depressed a lot of the times, and doesn't think he is good enough for a lot of things and eager to show off if there is anything he can brag about. But on the surface, he is still that easy going guy.

For the longest time, he has told me that he doesn't have the greatest relationship with his family, especially with his mom and sister. I was confused about this because when I met them, I can say they might not be the traditional loving family but they do love each other and they are all seemed "normal" (hard to define normal but seemed normal enough)..

And now everything makes sense.

He said he doesn't remember when and how many times it exactly had happened but he remember that his sister had already gone through puberty........so he must have been 6 or 7 years old when it happened. He didn't want to talk about it but basically just said his sister raped him. They have another brother in the family and he doesn't know if he also got molested or not.

Nobody, I mean NO ONE knows about this besides me. He has never told anyone. He was once suggested to have anger management therapy session around 13 and he didn't tell his therapist either. His mom doesn't know about this so growing up when he react weirdly (too old to wet the bed..etc) all she did was blame him, threaten him and belittle him. So he has never gotten the support he should have received.

I don't know how to digest this information. I feel like I want to say I understand this happened but I "feel" like he was talking about someone else. It is just so surreal. He was so calm when he told me about this and me on the other hand can not stop crying. I feel so sad for him to have to go through this alone.

I am just so mad at his sister. I want to call her up and yell at her about the horrible thing she has done to her family. And warn everyone so that she is not molesting her own children and the students she's teaching (she works at an elementary school)

I don't know how to support him and He seemed to not want to talk about this anymore. And now we are planning to have children and I don't know if this will effect him in anyway? Any advise is appreciated.


Edited by acj32 (05/16/13 10:07 PM)

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#434888 - 05/16/13 10:03 PM Re: Found out husband was molested by his sister [Re: acj32]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
Bring him here. Just knowing that he is not alone is a terrific first step.

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#434901 - 05/16/13 11:39 PM Re: Found out husband was molested by his sister [Re: acj32]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
He has a extremely short fuse, gets unbelievably angry very fast, seemed depressed a lot of the times, and doesn't think he is good enough for a lot of things and eager to show off if there is anything he can brag about. But on the surface, he is still that easy going guy.


He needs some professional help from a trauma therapist. Hopefully one that deals in male childhood sexual abuse (CSA). Pick up some books on CSA. I found my public library had about a dozen but it was sometimes hard to find them when I did a search for them.

http://1in6.org/men/books-films/for-partners-spouses-etc/

Give him time. Learn what you can. Don't think that you can solve this on your own. It can be very destructive on you as well. Take care.

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#434928 - 05/17/13 05:40 AM Re: Found out husband was molested by his sister [Re: acj32]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 288
Loc: Europe
Here's a response from a male survivor:
1) The fact that he told you means that he trusts you immensely. Good for you.

2) Thanks for believing him.

3) It would be great if he could get help, including from this site. You might tell him it is here, but tell him you don't need to know his name if he comes here. For some people this place works best when they know that nobody they know can link their posts to them.

4) You can get help, too. You might need some support in learning how to set your boundaries in a way that respects his struggle.

5) In my opinion you should under no circumstances talk to his sister or anyone else in his family about this. He told you in confidence. Don't break it. You might get advice from professionals about how to protect kids at her school adn in her family.

You must be a great support to him. I'm sorry if you get anger that might be better directed at someone else. I hope he learns to handle that better.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#435021 - 05/17/13 11:12 PM Re: Found out husband was molested by his sister [Re: learning2remember]
acj32 Offline


Registered: 05/16/13
Posts: 5
Thank you for all of your responses. I am really glad that I found this site.

A little update. Husband is UTTERLY calm. He basically doesn't want to talk about it anymore but he answers some of my questions which I have a million of them...but I didn't dare to push him to answer all....

After he disclosed this information to me, he has been acting all "normal" like this doesn't effect him at all. He told me that because this had happened such a long time ago so he had tried to block it and push it out of his system and just basically ignored it.

I have told him abou the site but he doesn't want to come on and view what everyone has shared. I think he just want to ignore it completely. He wants this to not be his memory.

I am very confused. I still feel extremely sad and hurt for him but on the other hand he acts like it's not a big deal so I feel like I am overreacting. I also do not know how I can be in the same room with his sister without punching her on the face. To which he responded that family is family, he still cares for all of the family members. How? How can he be so "normal" ? How can he still be so nice to them, to her? (He has a tendency to put other people before him)

How can I not let this consume me? This is all I can think about when I have free time....

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#435418 - 05/22/13 12:23 AM Re: Found out husband was molested by his sister [Re: acj32]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 373
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: acj32

I don't know how to digest this information. I feel like I want to say I understand this happened but I "feel" like he was talking about someone else. It is just so surreal. He was so calm when he told me about this and me on the other hand can not stop crying.


There is no one way to digest the information. For him he has been trying that for a long time and it probably hasn't been easy for him. What is a little easier and more productive is to notice how the information is handled each time it comes up, as you are doing.

Originally Posted By: acj32
To which he responded that family is family, he still cares for all of the family members. How? How can he be so "normal" ? How can he still be so nice to them, to her? (He has a tendency to put other people before him)


You may not respond the way he does, because you have not had to deal with the experience in many different ways. Some of the ways he has dealt with it may have been helpful. For instance, he may have some perspective on why it happened and hasn't been able to share that fully, with himself or with another person.

His statement that "family is family" is true and he probably does care about them. Sometimes that caring is all that can be held on to amidst the confusion about what happened. Other feelings may be there, but it can take time for them to surface.

Your patience may help. Don't forget to ask for the help you need too.

Focused Body
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#435444 - 05/22/13 09:58 AM Re: Found out husband was molested by his sister [Re: acj32]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 377
Quote:
And warn everyone so that she is not molesting her own children and the students she's teaching (she works at an elementary school)


I am surprised he doesn't have a problem with this.

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