Newest Members
TheGreatWhat, MyNameIsPaul, serenity38, vivo, Laurie
12485 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
era1 (31), GregoryP (50), GregoryParcell (50), junior (54), KDW78 (36), nansogre (48)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 24 Guests and 8 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12485 Members
74 Forums
64148 Topics
447575 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#434196 - 05/10/13 12:26 AM what does a break down feel like?
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
.... had to delete... was just wondering what a break down feels like?


Edited by ThisMan (05/10/13 02:20 AM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#434360 - 05/11/13 11:30 AM Re: what does a break down feel like? [Re: ThisMan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3516
Loc: O Kanada
i can only tell you what i feel like when i think i am "breaking down" which has never really happened. i think my "break downs" are mostly fear that i am going to "break down".

to me, a "break down" feels like i am about to "lose control" which sometimes leads to the decision to act out sexually or violently, which puts me back "in control" in my confused mind. if i "choose" to "lose control" then i am still "in control".

the only alternative i have to the "break down" is the "shut down". the inner conflict between what i should do and what i want to do turns into lack of activity and emotion, which i discovered is depression, even though i do not feel sad. i call it my "spock" routine. i imagine emotions are for fools and i feel nothing. but this can manifest into the "robot" or "auto-pilot" and even "cruelty". i used to brag that i had a heart of stone. this was never true.

so, in my case, it is all based around the illusion that i control the situation, which is an outright fantasy. i control nothing but my own behaviour. this self-knowledge seems to disappear during the panic or depression.

i have since discovered that the "pain" and "anger" is nothing but fear. the fear is based on the inner truth that i have no power over other people or mother nature.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#434484 - 05/12/13 11:34 AM Re: what does a break down feel like? [Re: ThisMan]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Thoughts racing out of control. Intrusive visions of the most disturbing and terrifying nature. Non-functionality at work - staring off into space. Constant ambient terror and s**c*d*l thoughts - which, combined with blackouts, end up as subconsciously manifested s**c*d* attempts. Constant crying - in public. Panic attacks that last hours, half a day. Total inability to sleep, which is okay because you are never ever tired - the later it is the more awake you get, for days. Total loss of appetite and sense of taste, so no impetus to eat, which you soon stop doing too. Sort of I guess feeling like your brain is being pushed through a terrifying darkness by an unstoppable bulldozer, and the more the bulldozer pushes along, the more the attached "cables" of ability and functionality get overfrayed until one by one they snap.

And you find yourself crying in the dark with a knife.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

Top
#434602 - 05/13/13 09:40 PM Re: what does a break down feel like? [Re: ThisMan]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 755
Loc: Southeast USA
((Matt)),

Yes.

I felt a river's current instead of a bulldozer. Both are remorseless and relentless with an inexorable push toward someplace you don't want to go.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

Top
#434701 - 05/14/13 10:47 PM Re: what does a break down feel like? [Re: ThisMan]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
My breakdowns have been situations where I am consciously aware that my emotions are completely out of control but I have no ability to stop them.

I am able to tell another person: "This is happening to me," but no ability to make it stop. Like I'm falling into a dark hole with no bottom. The unopening of intense negative emotion. Feeling that Death is a constant companion.

Last one for me was when my perp died back in October, and then again in January when my new T canceled on me twice because she was sick and I had an intense feeling of abandonment, even though I knew that feeling to be irrational.

Hang in there, guys.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

Top
#434737 - 05/15/13 11:24 AM Re: what does a break down feel like? [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Thanks, guys. It takes brave brave men to talk so openly and share. And I appreciate it. I don't know how I feel. I can't describe how I feel. Some of the things you guys said I can relate to and some I haven't experienced.

It is like death is constantly peeking over my shoulder. And I think once in a while of what it would be like, but I dont think I am suicidal. I hae this sense of forboding- like well, if I pullit together this time, again, someone will just arrive and take it from me in a vicious way. So its a daily fear of being.

I feel some anger at times, but it quickly dissipates. I was rebuilding that sense of self, and the recent comments about behavior and feminization and taking it from both ends have sent me back down the path of " what a total piece of crap" I must be. AND I KNOW ITS NOT TRUE, but there I am.

But like Suwanee said, I feel this river's current taking me to a not so distant place that I don't want to go. And I am fighting against the current with everything I've got, really am. I just dont want to be swept away and to land on the shore of total emotional devastation. I don't. I don't want to be lost again because I am afraid I can't find my way back.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#434804 - 05/16/13 12:23 AM Re: what does a break down feel like? [Re: cant_remember]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3516
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: cant_remember
My breakdowns have been situations where I am consciously aware that my emotions are completely out of control but I have no ability to stop them.

I am able to tell another person: "This is happening to me," but no ability to make it stop. Like I'm falling into a dark hole with no bottom. The unopening of intense negative emotion. Feeling that Death is a constant companion.

Last one for me was when my perp died back in October, and then again in January when my new T canceled on me twice because she was sick and I had an intense feeling of abandonment, even though I knew that feeling to be irrational.

Hang in there, guys.

Cant


everything you said. same again.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#435952 - 05/27/13 09:49 AM Re: what does a break down feel like? [Re: ThisMan]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
ThisMan, you have received sage advice from life experiences of your fellow survivors. May I add, keep carefully considering recovery and the steps you are taking to secure the life you wish to lead. Do not lose sight of the goal, keep your emotional footing and keep moving forward.

The process will get you to that part of the river you want to swim in, keep going.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.