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#434742 - 05/15/13 12:18 PM he said I seemed 'exasperated'
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Had the second visit with the new T yesterday. He is still collecting data, 'building the framework' as he says. He made some definite points clear, in a most professional understanding way, which eased me a bit. And he had the notes from last week, and continued to make notes this week... again, hadn't seen that before.

He pointed out that I came looking for definite answers. I did. There are none.

He asked me how I felt emotionally about the comments I shared from the former T. I was able to articulate to him exactly how rejected, and demeaning, and dismissive I had emotionally internalized those comments...

Alright, then... yatta, yatta. I just wanted to share that at least I pulled it together to set some boundaries in which to function for the two of us. As I am certain, he is doing the same. It was really hard to stay in the moment with him, but thats a regular occurrence.

Near the end of the session he asked what 'help' I wanted. It was then that I suppose my body language and my voice changed, as well as the facial expressions as I explained. And my grandpa was a baptist preacher of the old order, so I naturally talk with my hands ...when I finished he calmly stated, " Well, you seem a little exasperated by that question. Do you know why?" I wanted to say, duh?, but I didn't. I was a good boy. And I hate having to share all this embarrassing, painful, and yes, humiliating stuff again... and to a male this time. But I figure if I experienced it, surely he can hear it.



Edited by ThisMan (05/15/13 03:58 PM)
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#434746 - 05/15/13 12:37 PM Re: he said I seemed 'exasperated' [Re: ThisMan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:18 PM)

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#434763 - 05/15/13 04:05 PM Re: he said I seemed 'exasperated' [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Geoff, I do appreciate the words. The image of being in a circle of similar fellows is something I have thought of often in recent years, and especially in the recent months. Even had the former T check into a male group... I could tell it was a half-ass (pardon) effort on her part. I could have called the rape crisis center myself. I have thought of attending one of the gatherings MS offers, but I may have to wait another year due to $$$... know how that goes. But just sharing on site and knowing someone understands helps tremendously. I'm gonna start saying it again... its gonna get better. ty
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#434766 - 05/15/13 05:19 PM Re: he said I seemed 'exasperated' [Re: ThisMan]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hey ThisMan, I read your post a couple times. I hope your new T is helpful to you. I understand your frustration with rehashing everything once again. I wouldn't want to do that. Is his being a male part of the problem too?

Specifically, what do you hope this guy can do for you?

Mac

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#434772 - 05/15/13 07:14 PM Re: he said I seemed 'exasperated' [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Thanks, Mac, for the well-wishes. He seems to have his professionalism together, which is a plus. So I am just taking one session at a time as I develop the trust relationship, which is going to be hard given the previous T.

His maleness is not a problem. I chose a male T for this episode of healing because the two previous had been female. They seemed to lack a certain understanding into the internal dynamics that happen and change within the whole guy persona after being sexually assaulted.

Although I had no way of knowing, this guy is quite a bit smaller so it turns out I am not intimidated physically. Nor is there an undercurrent of sexual threat, because he reminds me of no one, which I was concerned might be present. No triggering physically or sexually. So far, so good.

"Specifically, what do you hope this guy can do for you?"

Big question, Mac. I hope he can swiftly and consistently help me to replace the negative tape replay of blaming myself for the assaults with the rationalization that I had nothing to do with it. I was not responsible for the rapes. I once had this mastered, but over the last few months, I lost that power by some of the comments made from the previous T (now to be called pT). I want to have control in my sessions and to talk about what I wish to discuss. I wasn't given that authority with the pT.

I want to be taken seriously. Not as a perennial victim, but as someone who has experienced sexual violence and needs a chance to talk about it. I wish to be considered a grown man, a dad, and a grandpa who has his masculinity intact. I dont want to feel that the rapes have taken away what and who I am. It has altered me, but I am still me. I dont want to feel the need to explain, justify, or hide from the shame of what has happened to me.

Specifically, I have this abstract thought that if this guy treats me with respect after I explain my life, my assaults, and the ensuing struggles to deal with all of them that maybe I will believe completely that I am a man worthy of the dignity all men are worthy of. Lofty goals for a man full of idealism. Thanks for the direct question. I had to give some thought to what was asked.
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#434774 - 05/15/13 07:42 PM Re: he said I seemed 'exasperated' [Re: ThisMan]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
I see, ThisMan. It wasn't long after the memories began to trickle in that I needed to talk about them. The problem was that my 12 step recovery group really wasn't the appropriate place. My friends and family do not know what to make of it. That leaves me with confiding in a stranger on a park bench! So I am here, which helps a bit. I also sought out a professional - this one only has a masters. I actually do not believe in therapy and have never used its art before. However, in this situation I decided to pay this guy $20 + insurance for me to rant and rave at whenever a memory surfaces. He has agreed to this. Hey for 20 bucks I get to speak my mind and still keep my friends and family. Not bad huh?

So I hope this guy you are paying realizes that you are there to talk and his role is to listen.

Mac

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#434790 - 05/15/13 10:20 PM Re: he said I seemed 'exasperated' [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1144
Loc: The ATL

Hi TM. Don't have a lot to add other than to say I've been following your dilemma with the old T and now your transition to the new T. So far, it sounds like this guy seems really promising. Considering the fact that he's not the first T you've been to, I'll bet you find making progress with him goes faster than it did with your previous T's, especially starting out. Good luck with that and good luck with this T helping you to new heights of recovery not previously reached before. Peace,

Ken

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#434791 - 05/15/13 10:21 PM Re: he said I seemed 'exasperated' [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
No sir. $20 bucks plus insurance is a good deal. I hope the therapist helps you and I'm glad you get to keep your friends and family...lol...

I have told family (my sons) of my csa- have told one friend of the asa, no family. But I have told the world through MS... and three therapists... this guy being the third. And if you haven't started reading yet, there are some good reads regarding CSA.

bill
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#434832 - 05/16/13 07:36 AM Re: he said I seemed 'exasperated' [Re: ThisMan]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
Quote:
He pointed out that I came looking for definite answers. I did. There are none.
[..]
I want to be taken seriously. Not as a perennial victim, but as someone who has experienced sexual violence and needs a chance to talk about it. I wish to be considered a grown man, a dad, and a grandpa who has his masculinity intact. I dont want to feel that the rapes have taken away what and who I am. It has altered me, but I am still me. I dont want to feel the need to explain, justify, or hide from the shame of what has happened to me.

How recognizable.. i still struggle with accepting there is no definite answer to this all. And just being who you are and being repected and accepted for that.. not having to defend or keep secrets, but really expressing yourself..

thanks for sharing, i recognize a lot (i'm with a female therapist, but i notice i'm being reluctant to give therapy an honest chance.. even though its for me.. this helps me to create my own therapeutical path, instead of being led step by step..)
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#434866 - 05/16/13 04:25 PM Re: he said I seemed 'exasperated' [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Hey Ken, we were posting at the same time... so I missed what you had said. You did add something important to the thread. You added your support, as you always do. It just makes such a @#$#@$#$ difference knowing that guys understand. It just does.

And OCN, I still am not an expert with the therapy, but I feel different this time. Maybe listening to guys on MS has given me the power to know it is my time. Good luck to you with therapist and the therapy. And thanks, guy.
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