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#434616 - 05/14/13 12:34 AM -->REPOST<-- Bike accidents & slings & being 12
Chase Eric Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1413
.......


Edited by Chase Eric (05/15/13 07:48 AM)
Edit Reason: Working through this one on my own
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Eirik




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#434626 - 05/14/13 07:25 AM Re: Bike accidents & slings & being 12 -->TRIGGERS<-- [Re: Chase Eric]
Suwanee Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 738
Loc: Southeast USA
Eric (Eirik),

First of all, thank you for this and other insightful comments on MS.


I think you are making important thematic connections with this. Accidents, injury, vulnerability, and a healing presence...a reverse Florence Nightengale Syndrome if you will. This nurturing presence serves to mitigate past negative encounters.

I found a cache of old journals from adolescence. The CSA is closer to the surface in those books than I believed at time. As you point out, the omitted content is still palpable.

Will
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Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#434662 - 05/14/13 02:34 PM Re: Bike accidents & slings & being 12 -->TRIGGERS<-- [Re: Suwanee]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1413
Thank you so much, Will!

As always, I find such solid resonance and support in the words you share here.
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Eirik




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#434685 - 05/14/13 07:54 PM Re: Bike accidents & slings & being 12 -->TRIGGERS<-- [Re: Chase Eric]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Eric,

I'm sorry to have read that before you deleted it - now I feel like I know something you wanted to be a secret frown Is it inappropriate for me to respond?

Because - it was very insightful, and revealing, and important. You become more emotionally open, receptive, and suggestible after being injured - this is entirely normal and predictable, but most people are too proud to admit to it. I'm sure it didn't enable the initial abuse - the guy targeted lots of kids, arm casts weren't a special factor - but it might have led to some drawing of expectations for re-enacting later.

I also think after both your ASA and a serious physical accident you might have been in more emotional shock than you realized, and were turning to your straight bud in what could have been entirely platonic "classical" male affection, needing approval and reinforcement. With our modern society's redefinitions or flat-out inventions of concepts like "gay" and "straight," the blurring and confusion of bonding and comfort signals that are far older than that, AND your premature and traumatic oversexualization... that whole vignette in particular would have been very emotionally powerful and very confusing. But it takes a very clear eye to spot the trend.

Again I hope it isn't inappropriate that I responded to a deleted post. I'd half-composed this but didn't have time at work to finish!


Matt
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"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#434693 - 05/14/13 09:38 PM Re: Bike accidents & slings & being 12 -->TRIGGERS<-- [Re: SoccerStar]
Chase Eric Offline
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Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1413
Oh, Matt!

Thank you so much, and - NO! - I did not remove my post because it was not for group consumption. I just didn't think it was contributing much to the community conversation nor did I think it pertained to the common experience of anyone else. I felt like I was babbling.

If you read it and understood it, I'm actually happy (and sort of surprised) to hear that smile . And thanks for responding so eloquently. I found your take quite informative; you put words to what I suspect was a significant phenomenon that was at play. The accident as a kid put me in a vulnerable position, receptive and submissive to nurturing, and I'm sure that all my senses were heightened, contributing to being more responsive to his touch than I might otherwise have been. The fact that those potent moments I described occurred when similar injuries revisited me later is far more than coincidence. It's a major point I am bringing up to my therapist on Wednesday - my first session in years.
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Eirik




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#434699 - 05/14/13 10:30 PM Re: Bike accidents & slings & being 12 -->TRIGGERS<-- [Re: Chase Eric]
BraveFalcon Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1134
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
I just didn't think it was contributing much to the community conversation nor did I think it pertained to the common experience of anyone else. I felt like I was babbling.


Hi Eric. Well, I can't imagine you posting anything that doesn't contribute much to the community conversation or that isn't valuable or pertinent in some way. That would be pretty out of character. Unfortunately, you edited it before I had a chance to read it fully. I saw it on my phone when I was at work and when I'm at work, I normally only have time to skim people's posts and plan on reading them fully when I get home later. I was a little disappointed to get home and see you had deleted it, but I understand. I don't believe anyone should share anything they don't want to share for any reason. That said, if you change your mind and decide to repost it, I'll be sure to read it then. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#434719 - 05/15/13 07:46 AM Re: Bike accidents & slings & being 12 -->TRIGGERS<-- [Re: BraveFalcon]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1413
Hi, guys -

So here it is again, then whistle . I figured I'd just repost it down here rather than edit the original post again (that way the thread responses will make more sense).

If you find common experience with this, then that's great. If you don't, then ... well ... that's great.

______________________________________

I'm about to return for a single (I hope) therapy session next week to help me sort out some of the recent experiences and realizations I've had - experiences that lead me to face my abuser for the first time since he molested me, and realizations that have occurred not only along the way, but afterwards as well.

I thought I would share this really remarkable - well, I don't think epiphany is too strong a word for it.

----- TRIGGERS below - I am not trying to be graphic, but the details were important factors in how this played out ------

I kept a diary the year I was molested - the year I was twelve/thirteen. That summer on July 21st, I was screaming down the road on my bike when my foot slipped off the pedal. The crank caught my heel and I flipped, slamming down on the pavement. While there were no broken bones, I could not easily move my left arm and so it was in a sling for several days after that. The next night was the first of three nights in a row that I slept in the tent in the back yard with the "big brother" friend who molested me. I remember very distinctly how tough it was to remove my arm from the sling so I could lie on my belly for him.

10 years later. I'm 22, racing down the mountain from Griffith Park in Los Angeles on my English Racer into Burbank. I'm hitting the switchbacks real fast. Just before hitting one sharp 180 I pass over some water. I brake - the tires are wet - but I can't slow fast enough, start the turn and immediately wipe out. I mean bad. I had road rash all along the left side of my body and could barely move. I felt like I had burns all over me. A nice guy came along, put my bike in the bed of his pick-up truck, and took me back to my apartment building. One of my neighbors - a real nice guy named Steve - helped me and brought me into his apartment. He let me shower (that was so painful!) and gave me some of his old clothes that were comfortably loose on me because I was smaller than him. We sat on the couch and the last thing I remember him saying as I was nodding off was, "One minute awake and the next minute asleep - little children are like that." He said it admiringly, like an adult to a child. But I remember feeling very "twelve" at that moment and swear by the way he pampered me I must have seemed that way to him. He was straight and dating; I was very closeted gay having an extremely rough time trying to come out (my one and only ASA had just happened a few weeks prior). So even though I sort of slept in his arms, nothing happened. It was an amazing and unexpected moment of intimacy, although it was not obviously sexual. And those feelings scared me. I didn't trust myself and so I purposely kept my distance after that. To this day I don't know where his feelings really were, but he never took advantage of me when he easily could have.

And just ten years ago, another bike accident. This time I separated my left shoulder. My arm is in a sling. My partner is away on a business trip and a friend invites me over to watch a movie. We are sitting on the carpet eating licorice and popcorn. The movie is boring. I'm lying on my side and start drifting and then I feel his hand reach over from behind me and gently caress my shoulder and the arch of my back. I just melted into him and next thing I know we are making out as crazy as anyone can while lying on a berber carpet with a painful shoulder in a sling and it would have gone much further if I didn't stop it. But after that night I developed a sudden and huge crush on him and never expected those feelings. My feelings were extremely intense and seemed to come from nowhere. We flirted quite heavily for weeks after that and it went no further.

And I'm just making all these connections now. Both of these guys were bigger and "big brother" older than me - like my molester was. Bike accidents and road rash and slings - the stuff of my childhood - and potent elixirs of sexual memories - in one case I ran away from the memory, and in another I ran towards it.

So I kept a diary that year my neighbor stole me away from who I would have otherwise been. I didn't mention a word about the dirty stuff we did to my diary - not a word. But my T told me to spend some time reading it - to listen carefully to that child. "He'll tell you in his own way," he said. And that was so true - he did. Little Eirik told me exactly when the bike accident happened. And then he told me that just one night later I was sleeping with him in the tent. Again. And again. He didn't remind me what happened under that green canvas on an opened flannel sleeping bag, because he trusted me to remember that part. And I did.

Just sharing...
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Eirik




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#434724 - 05/15/13 08:27 AM Re: Bike accidents & slings & being 12 -->TRIGGERS<-- [Re: Chase Eric]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 738
Loc: Southeast USA
Eirik,

I still think this is an important connection you have made. You described the situations/feelings as "potent elixirs of sexual memories." I think this is an apt description. You are reconciling the juxtaposition of pleasure and terror. If we were looking at a Venn diagram of the two, you are dwelling in the overlap. I know I do this...

I believe this is common in survivors who are (or are becoming) more self-aware in relation to the past. I think your analysis is a good thing.

I suppose many paths can lead to healing-and many of those pass through this confusing realm between Scylla and Charybdis. Stay the course.

Thank you for sharing.

Will




Edited by Suwanee (05/15/13 08:30 AM)
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#434729 - 05/15/13 10:24 AM Re: Bike accidents & slings & being 12 -->TRIGGERS<-- [Re: Chase Eric]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1570
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
....I just didn't think it was contributing much to the community conversation nor did I think it pertained to the common experience of anyone else. I felt like I was babbling.......


There is almost nothing that is NOT worth posting. Any feelings, fears, anger, pain, experiences etc., are ALWAYS appropriate. There's always someone who can relate and either offer support, or receive insight from what you have to say.
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Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#434740 - 05/15/13 12:01 PM Re: Bike accidents & slings & being 12 -->TRIGGERS<-- [Re: Chase Eric]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:13 PM)

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